Question about cohabitation/ sin/ reconciliation before confirmation

[ajk2191991]

Hi all, I have sort of a confusing question.
I am 19, have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we have been living together for a couple months. The reasons for this…or moreso excuses…is because I am going to college and he is working (both of us are 3 hours away from our hometowns) so it works out great financially. I don’t have a job (but have an interview next week!) so he pretty much takes care of everything-Although I do not think it is morally right, I don’t know how my situation would work if I didn’t live with him. I am very, very aware of my situation and am very conscientious of what God is thinking of this so I don’t need any opinions on the matter.
Anyways, onto my question. I have been doing RCIA this year and have my confirmation on Easter Vigil. This Saturday we all have to go to reconciliation and** I am not sure if I am committing a mortal sin or not but if I am and I do confess this sin is my priest going to tell me not to live with him because if I continue to live with him through my confirmation, am I still receiving the grace of the sacrament?** I think I am committing a sin of scandal because I am abstinent?
Thanks for any advice!

 

[benedictgal]

Hi all, I have sort of a confusing question.
I am 19, have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we have been living together for a couple months. The reasons for this…or moreso excuses…is because I am going to college and he is working (both of us are 3 hours away from our hometowns) so it works out great financially. I don’t have a job (but have an interview next week!) so he pretty much takes care of everything-Although I do not think it is morally right, I don’t know how my situation would work if I didn’t live with him. I am very, very aware of my situation and am very conscientious of what God is thinking of this so I don’t need any opinions on the matter.
Anyways, onto my question. I have been doing RCIA this year and have my confirmation on Easter Vigil. This Saturday we all have to go to reconciliation and** I am not sure if I am committing a mortal sin or not but if I am and I do confess this sin is my priest going to tell me not to live with him because if I continue to live with him through my confirmation, am I still receiving the grace of the sacrament?** I think I am committing a sin of scandal because I am abstinent?
Thanks for any advice!

Since you will not resolve to avoid this sin and will continue to remain living in this situation, I do not believe, with all due respect, that there is any merit in going to confession. Confession means that you are sorry for your sins and that you have a firm purpose of amendment to avoid this sin. Remember, you will be reciting the Act of Contrition, which states, “I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace to sin no more and avoid the near occasion of sin.” My friend, when you leave the church after confession, you will again be placing yourself in the same sinful situation that you have just confessed. After Jesus saved the woman caught committing adultery, he cautioned her to avoid this sin. I do not want to sound judgmental, but, you run the risk of compounding sin after sin by, first of all, making a bad confession and then keep doing what you are doing.

Do you not have financial aid that could help with moving into an apartment or into a dorm or some other place? If you do get this job, are you going to move out?

You said that you know the moral implications and do not want us to comment on this, but, again, with all due respect, you cannot expect those of us who post to ignore this fact.

 

[Rachel_1]

Hi all, I have sort of a confusing question.
I am 19, have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we have been living together for a couple months. The reasons for this…or moreso excuses…is because I am going to college and he is working (both of us are 3 hours away from our hometowns) so it works out great financially. I don’t have a job (but have an interview next week!) so he pretty much takes care of everything-Although I do not think it is morally right, I don’t know how my situation would work if I didn’t live with him. I am very, very aware of my situation and am very conscientious of what God is thinking of this so I don’t need any opinions on the matter.
Anyways, onto my question. I have been doing RCIA this year and have my confirmation on Easter Vigil. This Saturday we all have to go to reconciliation and** I am not sure if I am committing a mortal sin or not but if I am and I do confess this sin is my priest going to tell me not to live with him because if I continue to live with him through my confirmation, am I still receiving the grace of the sacrament?** I think I am committing a sin of scandal because I am abstinent?
Thanks for any advice!

I’m kind of in the same situation as you… sorta.
I’m civilly married, but I was Baptized Catholic as a baby, just not raised Catholic, so I’m in RCIA to learn my faith.
I’ve not had my first Confession or Communion or Confirmation.
Anyway, because I was married civilly and was Catholic, my situation is a ‘lack of form’ situation, meaning my marriage isn’t valid, so we have to have our marriage convalidated before I have my Sacraments (except Confession).
If I’m reading your situation correctly, you’re just living with him, but not ‘doing anything’ right? That’s how my husband and I are now… living as ‘brother and sister’ until we get the marriage convalidated.
If you’re not doing anything, I would think you’re not in mortal sin… not sure about the scandal though. Ask your RCIA instructor or priest, they should be able to let you know for sure.
Welcome to the Church

 

[Rachel_1]

Since you will not resolve to avoid this sin and will continue to remain living in this situation, I do not believe, with all due respect, that there is any merit in going to confession.

But wait, if they aren’t doing anything sexual, is it a sin to still live with him?

 

[benedictgal]

But wait, if they aren’t doing anything sexual, is it a sin to still live with him?

However, if you read this part of her post:

The reasons for this…or moreso excuses…is because I am going to college and he is working (both of us are 3 hours away from our hometowns) so it works out great financially. I don’t have a job (but have an interview next week!) so he pretty much takes care of everything-Although I do not think it is morally right, I don’t know how my situation would work if I didn’t live with him. I am very, very aware of my situation and am very conscientious of what God is thinking of this so I don’t need any opinions on the matter.

it seems to indicate that something is happening that should not be. In this day and age, it is highly improbable that cohabitating couples are living as brother and sister. As I said, I do not want to be judgmental, but, the OP stated that she does not think her situation is morally right and is quite aware of the implications.

That is why, it is better, as I see it, to not go to Confession because going to confession means that you have a firm purpose of amendment to avoid the sin and near occasion of sin. Leaving the confessional and returning to the occasion of sin is not a good thing.

It is better for the OP to speak to the priest and be open and honest with him about this rather than the RCIA director. Even if nothing is happening, there is still the occasion of temptation. The OP should try to look for an alternative living arrangement as soon as possible.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Hi all, I have sort of a confusing question.
I am 19, have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we have been living together for a couple months. The reasons for this…or moreso excuses…is because I am going to college and he is working (both of us are 3 hours away from our hometowns) so it works out great financially. I don’t have a job (but have an interview next week!) so he pretty much takes care of everything-Although I do not think it is morally right, I don’t know how my situation would work if I didn’t live with him. I am very, very aware of my situation and am very conscientious of what God is thinking of this so I don’t need any opinions on the matter.
Anyways, onto my question. I have been doing RCIA this year and have my confirmation on Easter Vigil. This Saturday we all have to go to reconciliation and** I am not sure if I am committing a mortal sin or not but if I am and I do confess this sin is my priest going to tell me not to live with him because if I continue to live with him through my confirmation, am I still receiving the grace of the sacrament?** I think I am committing a sin of scandal because I am abstinent?
Thanks for any advice!

This is a question that you should ask about in Confession. However living with or in other words sharing a house with someone else is not a mortal sin. Having a sexual relationship, without being married to them, would be, generally speaking.

 

[joandarc2008]

My dh and I lived together before marriage - then we decided to confess and live as brother and sister.

As far as the scandal part goes - sometimes it is not what you say it is what you do not say. Your address is no one’s businesss but your priest’s. Don’t mean to be rude but unless your nosy neighbor that isn’t seeing you not having sex is one of the Church gossips you really are not causing scandal in this day and age by living as brother and sister. HOwever,

1. I would not do this permamanently you should either have a plan to move out or get married- and get married for the right reasons
2. Living as brother and sister is difficult - you will need a back-up plan for dealing with extra stresses and tensions that may arise especially a female friends place to go and vent for a bit if need be even if you can’t stay
3. Adore the Blessed Sacrament - use the model of the Holy Family as a model for your own
4. Remember that Chastity will make that wedding night even more special

 

[Rachel_1]

In this day and age, it is highly improbable that cohabitating couples are living as brother and sister.

It happens more than you must realize… it’s sure happening here in my house. My husband was not happy about it at first, but he’s ok with it now. We’ve been living like this going on 4 months now (ever since I found out that our marriage isn’t valid), and we’ll continue to live this way until our marriage is convalidated.

 

[Rachel_1]

My dh and I lived together before marriage - then we decided to confess and live as brother and sister.

As far as the scandal part goes - sometimes it is not what you say it is what you do not say. Your address is no one’s businesss but your priest’s. Don’t mean to be rude but unless your nosy neighbor that isn’t seeing you not having sex is one of the Church gossips you really are not causing scandal in this day and age by living as brother and sister. HOwever,

1. I would not do this permamanently you should either have a plan to move out or get married- and get married for the right reasons
2. Living as brother and sister is difficult - you will need a back-up plan for dealing with extra stresses and tensions that may arise especially a female friends place to go and vent for a bit if need be even if you can’t stay
3. Adore the Blessed Sacrament - use the model of the Holy Family as a model for your own
4. Remember that Chastity will make that wedding night even more special

 

[benedictgal]

It happens more than you must realize… it’s sure happening here in my house. My husband was not happy about it at first, but he’s ok with it now. We’ve been living like this going on 4 months now (ever since I found out that our marriage isn’t valid), and we’ll continue to live this way until our marriage is convalidated.

However, your situation is different. The OP and her boyfriend are not in the same situation.

The problem as I see it, is that we tend to forget the seriousness of sin and how much damage it can do to our souls. We try to justify reasons for doing this, that and the other thing in order to relieve ourselves of the resonsibility and the culplability of our actions. We also try to anesthetize things so that they not appear as serious as they really are.

Joandearc made some very good points. But, the reality is that in the case of a cohabitating boyfrield/girlfriend, it can be (and, more often than not is) a recipe for disaster. It is also a very strong occasion of temptation. It is better not to place oneself in that kind of a predicament.

 

[ajk2191991]

However, if you read this part of her post:

it seems to indicate that something is happening that should not be. In this day and age, it is highly improbable that cohabitating couples are living as brother and sister. As I said, I do not want to be judgmental, but, the OP stated that she does not think her situation is morally right and is quite aware of the implications.

That is why, it is better, as I see it, to not go to Confession because going to confession means that you have a firm purpose of amendment to avoid the sin and near occasion of sin. Leaving the confessional and returning to the occasion of sin is not a good thing.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, I do agree with you, however I AM remorseful. I feel guilty about this and have it on my shoulders constantly. I pray every night for God’s forgiveness if this is a sin. This may sound contradicting but I HONESTLY feel that this whole situation has brought me closer to God. (read on…)
Nothing is happening besides living together. “Things” used to happen (never sex) but everything stopped when I was…“saved.” I am a cradle Catholic but never ACTUALLY felt a connection with God and had a relationship but this miraculously (and fortunately) happened last year which makes it more difficult because I’m not the same person he started dating. My boyfriend has been so wonderful and understanding about this.
Anyway, I WANT to confess and I have to before my confirmation, but I was wondering if my priest will tell me to stop living with him. And if he WOULDN’T tell me to do so, would I still receive the grace of the sacrament? (Now that I’m reading this, I know no one can predict what he will say…) But on the other hand, you are right, I probably would go back to living together.
Additionally, I am a bit stressed out because my bf is Baptist and does not understand the Sacraments, especially confession. (I have tried explaining many times winding up in tears because he doesn’t understand) NOT TO MENTION the economy and finances! If I could find a job and have money to live on my own, I would.

 

[benedictgal]

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, I do agree with you, however I AM remorseful. I feel guilty about this and have it on my shoulders constantly. I pray every night for God’s forgiveness if this is a sin. This may sound contradicting but I HONESTLY feel that this whole situation has brought me closer to God. (read on…)
Nothing is happening besides living together. “Things” used to happen (never sex) but everything stopped when I was…“saved.” I am a cradle Catholic but never ACTUALLY felt a connection with God and had a relationship but this miraculously (and fortunately) happened last year which makes it more difficult because I’m not the same person he started dating. My boyfriend has been so wonderful and understanding about this.
Anyway, I WANT to confess and I have to before my confirmation, but I was wondering if my priest will tell me to stop living with him. And if he WOULDN’T tell me to do so, would I still receive the grace of the sacrament? (Now that I’m reading this, I know no one can predict what he will say…) But on the other hand, you are right, I probably would go back to living together.
Additionally, I am a bit stressed out because my bf is Baptist and does not understand the Sacraments, especially confession. (I have tried explaining many times winding up in tears because he doesn’t understand) NOT TO MENTION the economy and finances! If I could find a job and have money to live on my own, I would.

The upshot is that nothing has happened as far as the two of you are concerned. However, living together for economic convenience is never a good thing, as the situation could eventually become compromised in some manner. He is supporting you, but, what does he expect out of the arrangement? There is no such thing as a free lunch. I do not want to paint a bad picture, but, you need to examine all of the aspects of your situation.

Because your boyfriend is not Catholic, it also complicates things a little. If you marry him, how will he be about rearing your children in the Church (a consent that you have to make as the Catholic party)? How will he be about having the marriage blessed by the Church? These are things that you and he need to talk about before taking things further.

Have a good and honest talk with the priest before Saturday. This is a serious situation you have going. Just because you have not engaged in anything that does not mean that the occasion could not present itself in some form or fashion. The devil is very clever.

Also, try and apply for financial aid for the next term and look at on-campus housing options that your school may have. You should be on Spring break pretty soon. That would give you the chance to start looking for a job.

 

[ajk2191991]

The upshot is that nothing has happened as far as the two of you are concerned. However, living together for economic convenience is never a good thing, as the situation could eventually become compromised in some manner. He is supporting you, but, what does he expect out of the arrangement? There is no such thing as a free lunch. I do not want to paint a bad picture, but, you need to examine all of the aspects of your situation.

Because your boyfriend is not Catholic, it also complicates things a little. If you marry him, how will he be about rearing your children in the Church (a consent that you have to make as the Catholic party)? How will he be about having the marriage blessed by the Church? These are things that you and he need to talk about before taking things further.

Have a good and honest talk with the priest before Saturday. This is a serious situation you have going. Just because you have not engaged in anything that does not mean that the occasion could not present itself in some form or fashion. The devil is very clever.

Also, try and apply for financial aid for the next term and look at on-campus housing options that your school may have. You should be on Spring break pretty soon. That would give you the chance to start looking for a job.

Thank you, your information has been very helpful. I am going to a technical college, therefore they do not have housing and I will have financial aid next semester, switched programs this semester so i wasn’t eligible. I’ve been trying to get a job since September, the city I’m living in has very bad employment rates, my bf drives 40 minutes away for his job.

We have talked about marrying and I being Catholic and he is fine with raising our children Catholic, but he, himself cannot grasp confession and why you cannot just ask God for forgiveness and I understand where he’s coming from because I didn’t understand it for a while and he was not raised with it at all. By the way, I buy the groceries

Thanks again, I will talk to my priest!

 

[Rachel_1]

ajk2191991,
I agree with what benedictgal said (see below)

The upshot is that nothing has happened as far as the two of you are concerned. However, living together for economic convenience is never a good thing, as the situation could eventually become compromised in some manner. He is supporting you, but, what does he expect out of the arrangement? There is no such thing as a free lunch. I do not want to paint a bad picture, but, you need to examine all of the aspects of your situation.

benedictgal,
ajk2191991 doesn’t have a job right now, so can you think of some ideas for her to move out and live on her own to avoid temptation? I agree that the temptation will be there and that it’s going to be hard, for the BOTH of you, so it’s best if you can move out… but without a job I can see the problem you have… so I’m wondering if we can brainstorm and help

Because your boyfriend is not Catholic, it also complicates things a little. If you marry him, how will he be about rearing your children in the Church (a consent that you have to make as the Catholic party)? How will he be about having the marriage blessed by the Church? These are things that you and he need to talk about before taking things further.

Yes!!! This will be a **huge **issue! My husband isn’t Catholic and it’s causing issues here. In your case, with him being Baptist, it could be even worse… I’ve read a lot of posts here at this forum from Catholics married to Baptists and there seem to always be problems. Now, that doesn’t mean all hope is lost either, but you need to seriously pray about your situation, and for your boyfriend!
Once you’re in the Church in order to marry and it to count as valid, you have to be married in the Church and you have to agree to raise any children you have as Catholic… and your husband will need to agree to this.
I understand about what you mean when you said that you changed within the last year… same thing happened to me. My husband felt it wasn’t fair, because I changed, but the more he learns about what I believe, the more he understands why I do some of what I do.
Anyway, yea, before anything gets more serious with your bf, you need to clarify where he will stand on things, or it can get REALLY hard on you.

Have a good and honest talk with the priest before Saturday. This is a serious situation you have going. Just because you have not engaged in anything that does not mean that the occasion could not present itself in some form or fashion. The devil is very clever.

Also, try and apply for financial aid for the next term and look at on-campus housing options that your school may have. You should be on Spring break pretty soon. That would give you the chance to start looking for a job.

I agree that you need to talk with your priest and just explain like you did here to him.
As far as the financial aid, that’s a good idea, if you got aid, when would you get it?

 

[ajk2191991]

My dh and I lived together before marriage - then we decided to confess and live as brother and sister.

As far as the scandal part goes - sometimes it is not what you say it is what you do not say. Your address is no one’s businesss but your priest’s. Don’t mean to be rude but unless your nosy neighbor that isn’t seeing you not having sex is one of the Church gossips you really are not causing scandal in this day and age by living as brother and sister. HOwever,

1. I would not do this permamanently you should either have a plan to move out or get married- and get married for the right reasons
2. Living as brother and sister is difficult - you will need a back-up plan for dealing with extra stresses and tensions that may arise especially a female friends place to go and vent for a bit if need be even if you can’t stay
3. Adore the Blessed Sacrament - use the model of the Holy Family as a model for your own
4. Remember that Chastity will make that wedding night even more special

One of the Catholic books I have and also a thread on here that I read about Cohabitation said it was a sin of scandal because, perhaps, friends or younger siblings see me living with my bf and therefore think it is okay for them to do it too so that is why I thought it was that type of sin? Honestly, we have been dating for 3 years and have never had any big problems, we are extremely close and if either of us has a conflict, we’ll let each other know and fight amongst ourselves, I have never had to vent to someone else about him.
I know it must be weird being an adult and looking at someone who has found the person she wants to marry and she’s only 19!

 

[Rachel_1]

Thank you, your information has been very helpful. I am going to a technical college, therefore they do not have housing and I will have financial aid next semester, switched programs this semester so i wasn’t eligible. I’ve been trying to get a job since September, the city I’m living in has very bad employment rates, my bf drives 40 minutes away for his job.

We have talked about marrying and I being Catholic and he is fine with raising our children Catholic, but he, himself cannot grasp confession and why you cannot just ask God for forgiveness and I understand where he’s coming from because I didn’t understand it for a while and he was not raised with it at all. By the way, I buy the groceries

Thanks again, I will talk to my priest!

HA! ignore my post… you responded before I hit submit

 

[ajk2191991]

ajk2191991,
I agree with what benedictgal said (see below)

benedictgal,
ajk2191991 doesn’t have a job right now, so can you think of some ideas for her to move out and live on her own to avoid temptation? I agree that the temptation will be there and that it’s going to be hard, for the BOTH of you, so it’s best if you can move out… but without a job I can see the problem you have… so I’m wondering if we can brainstorm and help

Yes!!! This will be a **huge **issue! My husband isn’t Catholic and it’s causing issues here. In your case, with him being Baptist, it could be even worse… I’ve read a lot of posts here at this forum from Catholics married to Baptists and there seem to always be problems. Now, that doesn’t mean all hope is lost either, but you need to seriously pray about your situation, and for your boyfriend!
Once you’re in the Church in order to marry and it to count as valid, you have to be married in the Church and you have to agree to raise any children you have as Catholic… and your husband will need to agree to this.
I understand about what you mean when you said that you changed within the last year… same thing happened to me. My husband felt it wasn’t fair, because I changed, but the more he learns about what I believe, the more he understands why I do some of what I do.
Anyway, yea, before anything gets more serious with your bf, you need to clarify where he will stand on things, or it can get REALLY hard on you.

I agree that you need to talk with your priest and just explain like you did here to him.
As far as the financial aid, that’s a good idea, if you got aid, when would you get it?

Thanks a lot for your advice, nice to know someone else is sort of relating to me LOL. Well, there is NO temptation. I KNOW I do not want to have sex until I am married.
We often talk about religion and he is completely fine with me being Catholic and he knows I want to be forever Catholic and that we are going to have to raise our children Catholic. He even comes to mass with me occasionally. He does not have a problem with it at all besides, as I’ve already said, he has trouble understanding the sacraments.
I can’t get aid til next semester. I also applied at a place in October and they JUST called me this morning. Have an interview next week, pray for me!
Thanks I enjoyed your post!

 

[BrokenFortress]

No real advice on the living situation.

But as far as confession goes and explaining it to your boyfriend, well, I myself struggle with this as a new Catholic. It’s the only doctrine that I struggle with.

However, one good thing that I can see from Confession is that you get advice from the priest. Whereas, when praying to God, you cannot get advice straight back. And the priest is working with the Holy Spirit to give you this advice. I’ve heard stories of priests saying that they don’t even know where they got the words from or how they came up with the advice, which goes to show that God is working through them.

For me, I see confession as important because if forces us to focus on our sins. Can you confess straight to God? Sure. I grew up Protestant, so I did that my whole life. But being forced to go to confession forces us to look on our life and see our sins. Because I admit, I don’t focus daily on my sins. But when it comes time for confession I spend the time to look back and see where I’ve sinned. Which allows me to go forward and try to not do that sin any longer. As humans we tend to be lazy. I think if we didn’t go to confession we’d be more inclined to not see where we sinned and just pray a general “Forgive me for my sins”.

I know many Catholics talk about this sense of relief and healing from going to Confession. I have yet to feel that, as I’ve only been Catholic 4 years this Easter Vigil. But because of the reasons I’ve given is why I see it as important. And I think these are points that will make sense to a non-Catholic.

 

[joandarc2008]

What I would do if I were you is get one of the apologetic books on this site about defending against Anti-Catholic attacks. No, your boyfriend does not seem anti-Catholic as you present him however, the questions are aswered there much more succinctly than I ever could. Read through it with him. My parents are a mixed marriage tha worked - going on 35 years now - and I am glad thy got together.

 

[deanast]

Hi,

Please go to confession and be open and honest with the priest. About six years ago I went to confession with very grave sins on my conscience that I was in fact resolved NOT to change anything in my life. I left after an hour having formed a firm purpose of amendment through the grace of the Holy Spirit. As my priest always emphasizes, the sacraments really do something. From a human standpoint it may be impossible to see a resolution (as it was for me), but allow the Holy Spirit to work and you may be surprised.

I am praying for you.