Question about disparity of interest in marital relations

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I have read a number of posts by the higher-interest spouse on this topic, but never from the lower-interest spouse asking for help (that’s me). My husband and I love one another very much, we don’t have any marital problems beyond day-to-day stresses, etc. I have never been specifically tested for this problem, but went through a battery of medical tests a few years ago to check blood levels of basically everything when I was having some health issues.

Now, we do have three young children (despite lack of instances in which children are begotten…I guess we’re efficient). But throughout our six years of marriage, we’ve been fully intimate in that way maybe three or four dozen times. Our youngest is 10 months old and we haven’t since BEFORE he was conceived. Now, in my head, and out of love for my husband, this bothers me, although physically I don’t mind basically at all. My husband often winds up sleeping in the spare bed partway through the night because he snores, but ideally husband and wife are not falling asleep during the event! Speaking of which, there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with me in that regard, as when it does occur there are satisfactory results for both parties…even if our technique along the way is not stellarly enthralling (probably due to lack of practice, right?).

Does anyone know of a good Catholic resource for nudging a desire for intimacy along, especially when there’s not a mental component to the freeze (I.e., not “turned off” by an argument, or anything like that, just seemingly permanently “turned off”)? We won’t turn to secular sources for obvious reasons, that their recommendations are rarely compatible with our theology of the body. Ideally it would be digital or a print source that could be kept around a house with kids who might come across it.

Thanks!
 
I don’t know of a Catholic resource I’d recommend, but I agree with Monicad. Schedule time for it–and do what you can to be sure you both are rested, focused on each other, and relaxed. This special time is not the time for discussions about the kids, work, finances, household or day-to-day issues, etc.

It may sound unromantic and counter-intuitive to schedule time for intimacy together, but generally, it helps you both be more focused and prepared, and the anticipation can actually help! Also, usually, the more you “practice” with each other, the better it gets (up to a point, anyway). 😉 Increasing the frequency of lovemaking may also increase your drive somewhat, but for some of us, it doesn’t, so if not, don’t get discouraged.

Remember to be emotionally intimate, and to flirt with each other, even when you aren’t planning to be physically intimate. Oh, and choose to be the one to initiate some of those times if your spouse responds well to that.

Also, be sure to recognize and respond favorably when your spouse initiates. This may take some effort and attention! Those of us with the lower drive may sometimes miss even the more obvious “hints” our spouse is giving, simply because sex doesn’t often cross our minds. And the longer your spouse goes without a positive response (whether we just miss the signs or actually respond unfavorably), the longer it usually takes for them to try to initiate again–and the more subtle it’s likely to be the next time. Which can make it even harder for the lower-drive spouse to recognize.

That said, I tried the “40 beads” method for a time, as a gift to my husband for St. Valentine’s Day. We had other issues going on at the time that we should have worked out first, so it didn’t work out very well for us, but I can see how it would be very helpful for some couples. It’s a secular source, and I do NOT recommend the book or most of the online resources (and let me emphasize again that I absolutely do not recommend the book!!!), but if you are willing to give yourself fully and dive in with enthusiasm, the method itself could be helpful to you. If interested in that, PM me and I’ll send you the basic info. But I’d probably recommend trying the scheduling first. :cool:
 
Thank you both! I will talk to my husband tonight and we will pick a “date” to start with. Hopefully we’ll find that method successful, otherwise I’ll be in touch to find out about the 40 beads. I appreciate hearing that I’m not the only one, too, I’m sure for many people the abstinence periods of NFP are a trial, but this is it’s own cross too (at least if you love your spouse :))
 
Have you read “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak? It’s the Catholic view of sex. I highly recommend it.
 
You say you have not been intimate with your husband since BEFORE your youngest was conceived…unless the child was fathered by someone else, I assume you mean “since”…
 
Yes. Yes I do mean “since.” Thank you 😊 Anyway, it’s been a while.
 
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