Question about having sex when married

[AnnG06]

I’m 24 and currently have a boyfriend that I’m head over heels for and can definitely see a future with. I recently learned that birth control of ANY kind is a mortal sin because it interrupts God’s design. When I reflected on this law, I was seriously floored because I’ve always grown up thinking that once I marry, I can have as much guilt-free sex as I want with my husband because we’d have been married in the eyes of the Lord. BUT after having learned that birth control is a sin and sex is ONLY meant for procreation, I have to honestly say im floored. I’ve always wanted to only have 2 or 3 children, so what I’m gathering from this law is that I can only have sex with my husband a handful of times in our life together unless I’m ready to face the consequences of potentially becoming like the “18 kids and counting” family??? I’m very confused, please help!

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Sex is *not *just for procreation and you *can *have as much guilt-free sex as you want once you are married. There’s a difference between guilt and consequences, though. Sex is intended to be both unitive and procreative. That doesn’t mean you have to conceive every single time, nor does it mean that you can only have sex with the intention of conceiving. What it means is that every act must be unitive and open to the possibility of life. If you haven’t looked into Natural Family Planning (NFP) you should do so. It teaches you to work with the wife’s monthly cycles in order to space pregnancies naturally and in line with Church teachings, and is just as effective as artificial methods when used properly.

 

[Kelfa28]

Sex between a married couple is both unitive and procreative…not just procreative.

You just need to be open to life and give your husband all of you…including your fertility and he does the same,

Talk to your priest about local NFP classes. NFP is very effective. It allows you to space children and still have marital relations with your husband during your non-fertile days.

 

[Debora123]

I’m 24 and currently have a boyfriend that I’m head over heels for and can definitely see a future with. I recently learned that birth control of ANY kind is a mortal sin because it interrupts God’s design. When I reflected on this law, I was seriously floored because I’ve always grown up thinking that once I marry, I can have as much guilt-free sex as I want with my husband because we’d have been married in the eyes of the Lord. BUT after having learned that birth control is a sin and sex is ONLY meant for procreation, I have to honestly say im floored. I’ve always wanted to only have 2 or 3 children, so what I’m gathering from this law is that I can only have sex with my husband a handful of times in our life together unless I’m ready to face the consequences of potentially becoming like the “18 kids and counting” family??? I’m very confused, please help!

Your statement that the Church is against all kinds of birth control is very wrong. The Church is against any type of birth control EXCEPT nfp.

And no, sex is not just for procreation and neither does the Church teach this.

 

[AnnG06]

Thank y’all for these great answers! I honestly had never heard NFP and I will definitely look more into it. I’m still slightly confused though after having read about birth control on the tracts page. It read: But sexual pleasure within marriage becomes unnatural, and even harmful to the spouses, when it is used in a way that deliberately excludes the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation. God’s gift of the sex act, along with its pleasure and intimacy, must not be abused by deliberately frustrating its natural end—procreation.*

This is where I got the idea that sex is only meant for procreation. Maybe I’m just interpreting this wrong…

 

[The_Bucket]

Thank y’all for these great answers! I honestly had never heard NFP and I will definitely look more into it. I’m still slightly confused though after having read about birth control on the tracts page. It read: But sexual pleasure within marriage becomes unnatural, and even harmful to the spouses, when it is used in a way that deliberately excludes the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation. God’s gift of the sex act, along with its pleasure and intimacy, must not be abused by deliberately frustrating its natural end—procreation.*

This is where I got the idea that sex is only meant for procreation. Maybe I’m just interpreting this wrong…

As you will doubtless find reposted a million times here and elsewhere, the point is that sex us unitive and procreative. It is wrong to separate one from the other. That’s why the church also teaches that fertility treatments that separate the unitive from the procreative like IVF are wrong.

Even very conservative use of NFP that relies solely on Phase III for instance does not violate this precept though as there is no violation of the procreative nature of the act. Unless of course you’re doing something that does that. I’m sure you’ll see more on that too.

Just suffice to say that NFP takes effort but it works. It also requires a different mindset than one you’re professing by wanting to “have only two or three kids.” You need to be open to life all the time. That doesn’t mean you have to have a ton of children. It just means you need to be reflective and prayerful in the reasons backing up a conservative use of NFP. That’s easy enough.

 

[AnnG06]

Thanks! This was very helpful. God bless

 

[mini_me640]

Thank y’all for these great answers! I honestly had never heard NFP and I will definitely look more into it. I’m still slightly confused though after having read about birth control on the tracts page. It read: But sexual pleasure within marriage becomes unnatural, and even harmful to the spouses, when it is used in a way that deliberately excludes the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation. God’s gift of the sex act, along with its pleasure and intimacy, must not be abused by deliberately frustrating its natural end—procreation.*

This is where I got the idea that sex is only meant for procreation. Maybe I’m just interpreting this wrong…

You are misunderstanding. The point is you cant deliberately exclude the possibility of procreation from sex. It doesn’t mean the only purpose is procreation, just that you have to leave the act open to that possibility.

 

[Bookcat]

From the Compendium issued by Pope Benedict XVI

1. What are the goods of conjugal love to which sexuality is ordered?

2360-2361
2397-2398

The goods of conjugal love, which for those who are baptized is sanctified by the sacrament of Matrimony, are unity, fidelity, indissolubility, and an openness to the procreation of life.

1. What is the meaning of the conjugal act?

2362-2367

The conjugal act has a twofold meaning: unitive (the mutual self-giving of the spouses) and procreative (an openness to the transmission of life). No one may break the inseparable connection which God has established between these two meanings of the conjugal act by excluding one or the other of them.

1. When is it moral to regulate births?

2368-2369
2399

The regulation of births, which is an aspect of responsible fatherhood and motherhood, is objectively morally acceptable when it is pursued by the spouses without external pressure; when it is practiced not out of selfishness but for serious reasons; and with methods that conform to the objective criteria of morality, that is, periodic continence and use of the infertile periods.

1. What are immoral means of birth control?

2370-2372

Every action - for example, direct sterilization or contraception - is intrinsically immoral which (either in anticipation of the conjugal act, in its accomplishment or in the development of its natural consequences) proposes, as an end or as a means, to hinder procreation.

1. Why are artificial insemination and artificial fertilization immoral?

2373-2377

They are immoral because they dissociate procreation from the act with which the spouses give themselves to each other and so introduce the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Furthermore, heterologous insemination and fertilization with the use of techniques that involve a person other than the married couple infringe upon the right of a child to be born of a father and mother known to him, bound to each other by marriage and having the exclusive right to become parents only through each another.

1. How should children be considered?

2378

A child is a gift of God, the supreme gift of marriage. There is no such thing as a right to have children (e.g. “a child at any cost”). But a child does have the right to be the fruit of the conjugal act of its parents as well as the right to be respected as a person from the moment of conception.

1. What can spouses do when they do not have children?

2379

Should the gift of a child not be given to them, after exhausting all legitimate medical options, spouses can show their generosity by way of foster care or adoption or by performing meaningful services for others. In this way they realize a precious spiritual fruitfulness.

vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html

 

[PaulinVA]

This is where I got the idea that sex is only meant for procreation. Maybe I’m just interpreting this wrong…

Sex is supposed to be order towards procreation. That means that it finishes the “right way” that could produce a child if everything worked out.

So, whether you are permanently infertile, post menopausal, temporarily infertile (as in the infertile time of the cycle), the man is infertile, or you guys are fertile as rabbits, marital relations still have to follow the the pattern of ordered towards procreation - that is, it finishes with man in woman and no artificial barriers (either hormonal, chemical, or barrier) that would prevent conception.

 

[drfye]

here is a few sites I found in regards to natural family planning:

naturalfamilyplanning.ca/intro.htm
nfpandmore.org/
familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/prevention-wellness/sex-birth-control/birth-control/natural-family-planning.html
catholicmom.com/nfp.htm
ccli.org/
nfpvirginia.com/

 

[katy]

I know several people who limited their families to 2 children using NFP. I presume they had good reasons, and it’s not as though you are required to have a big family. The folks involved are past child-bearing age now, so I guess it worked well.

 

[MrsE1022]

Thank y’all for these great answers! I honestly had never heard NFP and I will definitely look more into it. I’m still slightly confused though after having read about birth control on the tracts page. It read: But sexual pleasure within marriage becomes unnatural, and even harmful to the spouses, when it is used in a way that deliberately excludes the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation. God’s gift of the sex act, along with its pleasure and intimacy, must not be abused by deliberately frustrating its natural end—procreation.*

This is where I got the idea that sex is only meant for procreation. Maybe I’m just interpreting this wrong…

JPII’s Theology of the Body is amazing and can really help you to understand what sex is really all about. I work with youth ministry so I’ve read Theology of The Body for Teens, and its amazing how easy it is to understand in that form.

I am a 25 year old newlywed and I cant tell you what a difference it is when you use sex in its true purpose. We are supossed to enjoy sex and we are supossed to bond with our husbands and when we follow God’s plan to do it, it is an amazing exerience. To be honest with you, studying TOB has been such an amazing and spirirual journey for me, I feel like through my marriage I have been able to come so much closer to God and through and following His plan for sex, closer to my husband. We use NFP and we have been sucessful now for 9 months (and we honestly don’t even follow it 100%, its amazing how fast you learn your body). It can be overwhelming sometimes, and hard as hell, but its worth it in the end, I can surely tell you that! Look into Theology of the Body and have someone knowelgable tell you about NFP. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me

 

[Fidelia]

JPII’s Theology of the Body is amazing and can really help you to understand what sex is really all about. I work with youth ministry so I’ve read Theology of The Body for Teens, and its amazing how easy it is to understand in that form.

I am a 25 year old newlywed and I cant tell you what a difference it is when you use sex in its true purpose. We are supossed to enjoy sex and we are supossed to bond with our husbands and when we follow God’s plan to do it, it is an amazing exerience. To be honest with you, studying TOB has been such an amazing and spirirual journey for me, I feel like through my marriage I have been able to come so much closer to God and through and following His plan for sex, closer to my husband. We use NFP and we have been sucessful now for 9 months (and we honestly don’t even follow it 100%, its amazing how fast you learn your body). It can be overwhelming sometimes, and hard as hell, but its worth it in the end, I can surely tell you that! Look into Theology of the Body and have someone knowelgable tell you about NFP. You’ll be glad you did. Trust me

I second this. Before you discern marriage, you need to understand what the sacrament truly is. The best way to learn what the Church teaches about marriage, our bodies, and even more, is in the context of the Theology of the Body teachings.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

Sex is definitely not just for procreation. It is both unitive and procreative. I highly recommend researching NFP methods like Sympto-Thermal (ccli.org) Billings, Creighton/NaPro, etc.

An interesting fact I learned in my NFP class…there is no difference in the average number of times people have sex when using NFP vs. contracepting. NFP users tend to make up for that week or so that they have to abstain.

A lot of people also don’t realize that abstaining during certain parts of the month actually has its benefits because it keeps the couple from taking sex for granted. Just like with anything else, if you want something you cannot have any old day, and you have to wait for it, then it is more valued. It doesn’t become routine and boring.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Sex is definitely not just for procreation. It is both unitive and procreative. I highly recommend researching NFP methods like Sympto-Thermal (ccli.org) Billings, Creighton/NaPro, etc.

An interesting fact I learned in my NFP class…there is no difference in the average number of times people have sex when using NFP vs. contracepting. NFP users tend to make up for that week or so that they have to abstain.

A lot of people also don’t realize that abstaining during certain parts of the month actually has its benefits because it keeps the couple from taking sex for granted.

Though the downside, as I understand it, is that you are to abstain during those times in which the female most desires it. Is that true? My wife and I have never used NFP (and don’t use ABC either).

Just like with anything else, if you want something you cannot have any old day, and you have to wait for it, then it is more valued. It doesn’t become routine and boring.

Though the tricky thing to keep it from becoming boring is figuring out whether each thing you do is a sin or not, which foreplay is acceptable or not, and finally, you’re not supposed to be reading anything that tells you how you can “spice it up”, so that presents a quandary.

 

[Fidelia]

Though the downside, as I understand it, is that you are to abstain during those times in which the female most desires it. Is that true? My wife and I have never used NFP (and don’t use ABC either).

Though the tricky thing to keep it from becoming boring is figuring out whether each thing you do is a sin or not, which foreplay is acceptable or not, and finally, you’re not supposed to be reading anything that tells you how you can “spice it up”, so that presents a quandary.

I think it will vary from woman to woman, but it is not unusual for a woman to naturally be more desirous when she is fertile. It’s likely evolutionary. It was nature’s way of ensuring that we would be in the mood when we’re fertile so that procreation can occur. I mean, if we were most in the mood when we’re infertile, we would be less likely to have babies.

The purpose of NFP is not to force you to abstain when you most desire to have sex. The purpose of NFP is to be an alternative to complete abstinence when you find that it would be prudent to postpone a pregnancy for the time being.
I understand NFP in general within the context of natural law. Here’s my take on it, if anyone’s interested.

ETA: As far as Veritas’s second question, Chistopher West explains things clearly and tastefully in The Good NEws about Sex and Marriage. He has written a few other introductory books about Theology of the Body as well.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

Though the downside, as I understand it, is that you are to abstain during those times in which the female most desires it. Is that true? My wife and I have never used NFP (and don’t use ABC either).

I can’t speak for anyone else, but yes, this has been my experience. It’s hard. I am grateful for the ability to chart, but it’s definitely difficult to abstain when you least want to.

 

[Fidelia]

I can’t speak for anyone else, but yes, this has been my experience. It’s hard. I am grateful for the ability to chart, but it’s definitely difficult to abstain when you least want to.

Yes, this can be the case. But the alternative if we need to postpone pregnancy is this or abstaining all of the time. So, while knowing this to be the case can help us in terms of knowing what we may experience and need to accept, I do not see how it is relevant to whether NFP ought to be used.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

Yes, this can be the case. But the alternative if we need to postpone pregnancy is this or abstaining all of the time. So, while knowing this to be the case can help us in terms of knowing what we may experience and need to accept, I do not see how it is relevant to whether NFP ought to be used.

I was responding to a question posed by another poster, and said nothing about whether NFP ought to be used or not.