Question about husband's family member

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yjenkins

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My husband has a cousin (who is a woman) who is deaf and married with children. Ever since my husband and I have been married his cousin is ALWAYS, I mean always texting him. The texting is extreme and A LOT. When she texts him she’ll say things like “hey babe” and she will also include “babe” in a sentence when she is asking a question such as “Hey babe, how’s the weather ?” I’m a bit annoyed by this. I know for myself, when I contact any family members or family members contact me, they never use pet names like those. Is this the norm? I would like your thoughts and advice on this.
 
IF she’s like that with everyone, I would get over it. If it’s specifically your husband, then something may be off. What does he think of it?

I’m like that with my brother- it’s just being affectionate with a family member.
 
I do that with a lot of people – not just family. I’ll usually say, “thanks, hon” or something like that. With close friends I’ll be a little more “close” like sweetie or something like that.

I am from the south and I think that’s a bit more of a southern thing. I’ve gone through drive thrus or in grocery stores and had a clerk call me a term of endearment. So maybe it’s a cultural thing?
 
In our family ‘babe’ is a very common pet name, its used for everyone, babies, kids, women, even men. A man wouldnt say it to another man, but otherwise we use it all the time. ‘babe’ has always meant ‘child’ to us.

All of my cousins call me it, male and female. If thats the only concern I wouldnt worry. Like someone else has said, if she calls everyone close to her that you’ll know its normal for them.
 
I’m not sure if she only says this to my husband. I suppose I could ask him…and what his thoughts are…
 
Also remember that if she is deaf texting is the perfect form of communication. She doesn’t have to rely on voice to text to teletype machines. I really like texting and email because it isn’t as intrusive (to me) as a phone call. I don’t have to answer right away and the message is still there when I do get to it.

Have this cousin and your husband always been close? Was she texting him frequently before and you just didn’t realize since you didn’t live together? Sometims cousins are as close as brothers and sisters.

When you speak to your husband maybe also suggest that he pick a certain time to text with her so their chatting isn’t always interrupting your day. I would also say that after a certain hour in the evening, and before a certain time in the morning, it is simply impolite to call/text unless it is an emergency. (Obviously those times will vary based on your schedule, but I thinkg the rule is still sound.)
 
Mrs_Sally said:
Also remember that if she is deaf texting is the perfect form of communication. She doesn’t have to rely on voice to text to teletype machines. I really like texting and email because it isn’t as intrusive (to me) as a phone call. I don’t have to answer right away and the message is still there when I do get to it.

Have this cousin and your husband always been close? Was she texting him frequently before and you just didn’t realize since you didn’t live together? Sometims cousins are as close as brothers and sisters.

When you speak to your husband maybe also suggest that he pick a certain time to text with her so their chatting isn’t always interrupting your day. I would also say that after a certain hour in the evening, and before a certain time in the morning, it is simply impolite to call/text unless it is an emergency. (Obviously those times will vary based on your schedule, but I thinkg the rule is still sound.)
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They were pretty close before him and I started dating however when he joined the Army and we got married, they did not keep in touch as much until almost 4 years ago. The frequent texting all day and most of the night started happening 3 years ago. I like your suggestion about texting certain times of the day. Thank you.
 
Sounds perfectly normal to my ears. Lots of folks call siblings in their family “babe” or “baby”. And yes, if she is deaf, texting is probably very important. One’s world shrinks when only a few people can understand ASL. Texting is a Godsend to these folks, and I think its wonderful that the family is close and she has someone she can communicate with. Those teletype phone assisted machines are dying out thanks to the text revolution. But one should never underestimate how isolating it can be for people with hearing impairments.

Sounds a little strange that you are uncomfortable or jealous of your husband’s cousin? To be honest, your reaction to a lonely cousin texting a favorite cousin when she has a limited way of communicating with the world sounds a little stranger than her long texts and calling him “babe”?? But maybe there’s more to the situation we don’t know. Why not ask her yourself and start a relationship. You may gain a new friend and offer her another person to share the miracle of communication with!
 
yjenkins said:
They were pretty close before him and I started dating however when he joined the Army and we got married, they did not keep in touch as much until almost 4 years ago. The frequent texting all day and most of the night started happening 3 years ago. I like your suggestion about texting certain times of the day. Thank you.
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This just could be the advent of the popularity of texting, too – I mean, e-mailing has been around a while; but I know for me the texting thing really has been “recent.” I hated texting on my old phone because you’d have to hit the keys three times somtimes to get the right letter; but now with the full keyboard, it’s a lot easier. So maybe you’re just seeing an increase because of the ease of it.
 
Aggie414 said:
This just could be the advent of the popularity of texting, too – I mean, e-mailing has been around a while; but I know for me the texting thing really has been “recent.” I hated texting on my old phone because you’d have to hit the keys three times somtimes to get the right letter; but now with the full keyboard, it’s a lot easier. So maybe you’re just seeing an increase because of the ease of it.
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Possibly
 
I don’t think it’s proper that the cousin be inserting herself into his life day n night. That is extreme. She should not be constantly interrupting family time. God first, then spouse, and children, then others. I realize she may be lonely. She still needs to have respectful boundaries, and develop other friendships.

I would have an honest discussion with my husband about why the cousnin is so “in to him?” Some guys don’t always see it when women are flirting with them. Does the cousin meet an emotional desire in him to feel needed? Does he or the cousin feel an attraction, even if it’s just an emotional closeness? Point out your observation that you feel this cousin is taking #1 place in getting his attention day n night, while you only have a few hours of opportunity. Maybe only 30 minutes over dinner, before each goes & relaxes doing what they prefer.

I would encourage my husband to text, “Spending time with my wife, and family, Good night” and then put the phone down each evening. He needs help setting healthy boundaries. It is one of the ways you protect your marriage by putting it first! 🙂

I like the idea that you may become her friend too! Women have a lot more in common! A friend who is willing to take the time to stay in touch is nice.
 
Regina_Love said:
I don’t think it’s proper that the cousin be inserting herself into his life day n night. That is extreme. She should not be constantly interrupting family time. God first, then spouse, and children, then others. I realize she may be lonely. She still needs to have respectful boundaries, and develop other friendships.

I would have an honest discussion with my husband about why the cousnin is so “in to him?” Some guys don’t always see it when women are flirting with them. Does the cousin meet an emotional desire in him to feel needed? Does he or the cousin feel an attraction, even if it’s just an emotional closeness? Point out your observation that you feel this cousin is taking #1 place in getting his attention day n night, while you only have a few hours of opportunity. Maybe only 30 minutes over dinner, before each goes & relaxes doing what they prefer.

I would encourage my husband to text, “Spending time with my wife, and family, Good night” and then put the phone down each evening. He needs help setting healthy boundaries. It is one of the ways you protect your marriage by putting it first! 🙂

I like the idea that you may become her friend too! Women have a lot more in common! A friend who is willing to take the time to stay in touch is nice.
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Perfectly said! Thank you for your feedback. Her and I used to be in touch before my husband and I started to have problems, I kicked him out of the house, etc. After my husband and I separated, she and the rest of his family stopped talking to me. I have a thread on here about what is going on between my husband and I. Now that my husband and I are moving forward to mend things and get our marriage back, I do not want third party involvement. He is at my home for the weekend, last night while he was sleeping she kept on texting him, texting him. I looked at his phone and there were 6 text messages from her in 5 min. He came downstairs, heard his phone, checked to see what it was. I briefly looked at him, he text her back and put his phone away. I suppose you can say this is a good thing. I’m not sure when I should bring this up since we are in the progress of moving forward. When would be a good time to address this “issue?”
 
Regina_Love said:
I don’t think it’s proper that the cousin be inserting herself into his life day n night. That is extreme. She should not be constantly interrupting family time. God first, then spouse, and children, then others. I realize she may be lonely. She still needs to have respectful boundaries, and develop other friendships.

I would have an honest discussion with my husband about why the cousnin is so “in to him?” Some guys don’t always see it when women are flirting with them. Does the cousin meet an emotional desire in him to feel needed? Does he or the cousin feel an attraction, even if it’s just an emotional closeness? Point out your observation that you feel this cousin is taking #1 place in getting his attention day n night, while you only have a few hours of opportunity. Maybe only 30 minutes over dinner, before each goes & relaxes doing what they prefer.

I would encourage my husband to text, “Spending time with my wife, and family, Good night” and then put the phone down each evening. He needs help setting healthy boundaries. It is one of the ways you protect your marriage by putting it first! 🙂

I like the idea that you may become her friend too! Women have a lot more in common! A friend who is willing to take the time to stay in touch is nice.
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While I agree with you, it is a text – don’t look at the phone during certain hours – turn the ringer off or shut it down when it’s family time – and then respond when you want to. That’s the beauty of texts. I think people are making a bigger deal of this than need be.
 
To me, it sounds like you’re making it more complicated than it should be.
  • There’s nothing inherently flirtatious in her communication. Especially given that she’s his blood, and most people don’t think twice about their cousins, you need give her the benefit of the doubt before you skip to conclusions. Her hearing disability needs to be accounted for as well.
  • Recognise the privacy boundaries within your marriage, what you can control, and where you need to give him space. Don’t touch his moible. He’s the one who needs to deal with the matter.
  • Your desire to keep out family drama while you prioritise your marriage, makes sense. And you should both enjoy each other’s company without the cousin’s frecquent and pestering interruptions.
My advice: start with a deal. Set aside private time for both of you, every day. You turn off your mobile, and he turns off his.
 
Bezant said:
To me, it sounds like you’re making it more complicated than it should be.
  • There’s nothing inherently flirtatious in her communication. Especially given that she’s his blood, and most people don’t think twice about their cousins, you need give her the benefit of the doubt before you skip to conclusions. Her hearing disability needs to be accounted for as well.
  • Recognise the privacy boundaries within your marriage, what you can control, and where you need to give him space. Don’t touch his moible. He’s the one who needs to deal with the matter.
  • Your desire to keep out family drama while you prioritise your marriage, makes sense. And you should both enjoy each other’s company without the cousin’s frecquent and pestering interruptions.
My advice: make a deal with him. When you’re together, be it you’re out or having a private discussion, both of you turn off your mobiles.
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I do not believe I am making this more complicated than it should be. I have not brought this up to him yet and I am not sure if I am. However, I will request that he only take work phone calls when we are together on an outing or when we are spending time together. If I see that this is happening A LOT, then yes, I will bring it to his attention.
 
yjenkins said:
Perfectly said! Thank you for your feedback. Her and I used to be in touch before my husband and I started to have problems, I kicked him out of the house, etc. After my husband and I separated, she and the rest of his family stopped talking to me. I have a thread on here about what is going on between my husband and I. Now that my husband and I are moving forward to mend things and get our marriage back, I do not want third party involvement. He is at my home for the weekend, last night while he was sleeping she kept on texting him, texting him. I looked at his phone and there were 6 text messages from her in 5 min. He came downstairs, heard his phone, checked to see what it was. I briefly looked at him, he text her back and put his phone away. I suppose you can say this is a good thing. I’m not sure when I should bring this up since we are in the progress of moving forward. When would be a good time to address this “issue?”
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I don’t usually call or text my husband while he is at work. His boss is paying for his time, and attention, and I respect that by letting him focus on work. That is a healthy boundary.

I would just sit down with my hubby, share some coffee, and chat with him. Sooner, rather than later, so you don’t sit up at night worrying about it. Ask him questions about his relationship with his cousin. The first would be: is his cousin supportive of him getting back together with you? Does it bother him how often she texts? Honey why are you texting so often? Be kind in your tone & body language. You are not accusing, simply gathering information. Then I would definately ask him to set healthy boundaries with her. If he agrees and follows through, things are good. If he fusses, complains, gives a lot of excuses, gets angry, or refuses, then you have a problem.

women crave love from their husbands, Men desire respect, and admiration. What are his needs? what can you do to meet them? To build up your marriage take time every day to communicate something positive to your husband. Call, text, or leave him luv notes. It could be thankfulness for things he has done in the past, or anything you like about him. Be flirty, happy, appreciative, fun! You want him to feel happy when he thinks of you. Tell him you miss him when you do.

Praying for you!
 
Regina_Love said:
I don’t usually call or text my husband while he is at work. His boss is paying for his time, and attention, and I respect that by letting him focus on work. That is a healthy boundary.

I would just sit down with my hubby, share some coffee, and chat with him. Sooner, rather than later, so you don’t sit up at night worrying about it. Ask him questions about his relationship with his cousin. The first would be: is his cousin supportive of him getting back together with you? Does it bother him how often she texts? Honey why are you texting so often? Be kind in your tone & body language. You are not accusing, simply gathering information. Then I would definately ask him to set healthy boundaries with her. If he agrees and follows through, things are good. If he fusses, complains, gives a lot of excuses, gets angry, or refuses, then you have a problem.

women crave love from their husbands, Men desire respect, and admiration. What are his needs? what can you do to meet them? To build up your marriage take time every day to communicate something positive to your husband. Call, text, or leave him luv notes. It could be thankfulness for things he has done in the past, or anything you like about him. Be flirty, happy, appreciative, fun! You want him to feel happy when he thinks of you. Tell him you miss him when you do.

Praying for you!
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Perfectly said! These are great questions to ask him. Tomorrow evening I will sit down and talk to him. She has not text him at all today. I am wondering though if I should bring this up only if I see it happening excessively. I thought it was excessive last night however, in the past there have been times when we were out as a family and spending time together as a family, she would constantly text him. There is a time and place for everything and at this time, it is important for my husband and I to focus on each other. When him and I are not interacting and she happens to text him, he can go ahead and reply. I simply do not want interference. Since our separation and his family turning their backs on me, I no longer have respect or care for them. All of this is overwhelming.
 
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