Question about keeping peace

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mommamia

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Hello
I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful protestant man. He has been great and attends mass with us regularly, had no problem being married in the church, or raising the children catholic.

My problem is his family… I love them they are mostly great, and I have been able to overlook thier rude comments about the catholic church. We recently moved and have been blessed by a parish with a school. The girls are so excited about attending the catholic school, but my husbands family has done nothing but complain. I didn’t mind it so much when they voiced thier opinions to me, but lately they have started saying deragatory things to the children. This has made my 13yo son very angry with his grandparents and uncles/aunts. The girls are starting to ask questions about it also. They actually told them that we wouldn’t be able to afford to feed them because of the tuition :rolleyes: His mother seems especially upset and tells the girls that we are turning our back on her because she went to the local public school. She constantly makes rude comments about how she’ll miss them in heaven, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say anything negative about their family, but I am having trouble explaining this to my younger girls.

Also she has been making remarks that are hurtful to me. We are unable to have anymore children of our own due to complications when my youngest was born, she keeps telling the kids if I was really a catholic they would get to have more siblings, this had led the kids to ask why mommy and daddy don’t have any more children. I have always hesitated in answering this question because I don’t want my girl to feel she is somehow “at fault” for what was ultimatly God’s choice.

I just want to have family harmony, I have tried talking to her, and so has my husband.

I am ready to refuse to see them, and to keep the children from them. Is that wrong? Is there some other way I am not seeing?
 
mommamia said:
Hello
I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful protestant man. He has been great and attends mass with us regularly, had no problem being married in the church, or raising the children catholic.

My problem is his family… I love them they are mostly great, and I have been able to overlook thier rude comments about the catholic church. We recently moved and have been blessed by a parish with a school. The girls are so excited about attending the catholic school, but my husbands family has done nothing but complain. I didn’t mind it so much when they voiced thier opinions to me, but lately they have started saying deragatory things to the children. This has made my 13yo son very angry with his grandparents and uncles/aunts. The girls are starting to ask questions about it also. They actually told them that we wouldn’t be able to afford to feed them because of the tuition :rolleyes: His mother seems especially upset and tells the girls that we are turning our back on her because she went to the local public school. She constantly makes rude comments about how she’ll miss them in heaven, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to say anything negative about their family, but I am having trouble explaining this to my younger girls.

Also she has been making remarks that are hurtful to me. We are unable to have anymore children of our own due to complications when my youngest was born, she keeps telling the kids if I was really a catholic they would get to have more siblings, this had led the kids to ask why mommy and daddy don’t have any more children. I have always hesitated in answering this question because I don’t want my girl to feel she is somehow “at fault” for what was ultimatly God’s choice.

I just want to have family harmony, I have tried talking to her, and so has my husband.

I am ready to refuse to see them, and to keep the children from them. Is that wrong? Is there some other way I am not seeing?
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It may be time to start catechizing your children about what the Church teaches about the responsibility of parents. Also, let them know EXACTLY how much you’ll be paying monthly for tuition, bills, mortgage/rent, utilities and how much will be left over for food. It is healthy to let your children learn about how you and your husband budget for bills, then you’ll be showing and teaching them healthy financial habits. As for the “I won’t see you in heaven comments” if I were you I’d ask my husband to confront his mother with this simple question and statement:

Husband to mother: Are you God?
Mother to husband: No
Husband to mother: Then you don’t know who will and will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven so stop telling my children that they will not enter Heaven or that you will.
 
You have my sympathy.

Include your children in all your discussions. Kids are smarter than you think but don’t put the family down…rather say…we differ in our opinions but your dad and I only want the best for you and we think we are the best ones to decide what that is.

As far as having more children…tell them that God has chosen not to give you more brothers and sisters. But that doesn’t mean that He doesn’t love us. In fact, he has given us the chance to be a happy and whole family.

It must be difficult if you are getting these attacks regularly. I think the best way to handle it…is to tell them that you respect their opinion but you hope that they will respect your choices as well.
 
Be nice to them. Do whatever your husband says. Don’t complain about them. Be like Mary.

Your example of love to those who unfairly purscute you will shine as an example to your husband and children.

This is part of the cross one bears when they marry someone who is not Catholic. It will not last your whole marriage, though. Give it a few decades and it will get better. If not, they’ll pass away at some point:-)
 
Sounds like jealousy to me- you’re willing to sacrifice to give your kids something which they did not have- and concern that now they will be seen as poor parents because they did not do such things.

My dad’s family has been known to down-play or even trash-talk good things that have happened to or been done by other family members. It is always out of jealousy. Yes, it is hurtful, and the only way to avoid it is to avoid that side of the family as much as possible.
 
Thank you all for your answers, I will think and continue to pray on this matter. It is nice to know that others out there have similar experiences.
 
May I ask what is your husband doing to protect the feelings of his children? Why would he allow such disrespect to your family faith and his own children. His duty is to his wife and children.

I think it behoves all of the adults (no children present) to have a frank discussion about what is and what is not appropriate content of discussion with the kids. Degrading their religion and education should be strictly off limits and it undermines your ability and duty as a parent to raise your children.

You can have that discussion respectfully and civilly, but you need to have the discussion now before this escalates into both a family and marital issue. Nip it in the bud. Pray for guidance and strength and the softening of your family’s hearts in order to keep that peace. You don’t question how others raise their children and they have no right to question yours and your husbands. Good luck and God Bless.
 
mommamia said:
I am ready to refuse to see them, and to keep the children from them. Is that wrong? Is there some other way I am not seeing?
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No, it’s not wrong. Your husband’s family is cruel and abusive. You owe it to your children to protect them from such remarks and accusations.

Cut them off, pronto.
 
I have not read the responses, but I know that as a united front: your husband and you – need to state that any further comment will cut them off. Ask them if their Grandchildren are important to them. Ask them if undermining them, hurting them, and scaring them – in the name of their “faith” – is somehow productive? When they can give you a reasonable answer (I would LOVE to hear it, because ANY comment made would be rebutted with your husband’s choice AND promise when he married you) then say “go for it.” However, for now, you will have to not let the kids hang out with grams and gramps because they are causing more sorrow.

Also, invite them to ask your children about their faith, to question it, whatever: when they are ADULTS. For now: these are YOUR children, YOUR charges, and YOUR responsibility. (With a good faith base anything they might say later won’t make a BIT of difference.) I went through this with my atheist FIL and I told him under no uncertain terms will he decide his GRANDchildren’s faith. He had a chance with his own, who eventually turned to the church anyway, but MY children, OUR children are that: OURS – and he has no right to tell me what to do.

There is a peacable way to do this, you just need to make sure that you remain in charge in the conversation.

Good luck and God Bless, may the strength of our Lord help you in opposition.

I’ll end with a favorite quote from Nietzche:

“In fighting monsters, one must be careful not to become a monster himself.”
 
I am leaning towards just not showing up to family functions anymore, they often don’t invite us anyway.

I have tried to talk reasonably with them, and my hubby has also, but they believe that thier pastor is the ultimate source, and he says catholics are bad.:banghead: One of his brothers is also a pastor at another church, he won’t let his kids play with mine.

Actually when we got marrried the pastor refused to give my husband proof of baptism. My priest was able to get a dispensation , as he knew him and they had discussed faith.
The guy actually told him the best thing would be to leave me and our son, as I was catholic. Now I admit that living with him before marriage was not the best choice, but have made my reconcilliation over that many years ago. My husband had to beg his parents to attend, which they did. But their sour faces ruined all the photos.

I feel better about my choice now, while I do not want to fight, I will be avoiding them. I do feel sorry for my children though, it is a shame they have to be seperated from thier grandparents, but I think it will actually be less painful than having grandma and grandpa constantly belittle who they are. My husband has been prepared to cut off ties longer than I, as he puts it they are just unreasonable.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer, you will all be in my prayers.
 
i will say some prayers to you and for his family…

IMO, if you wanted to stop talking to his family, I don’t see anything wrong with that…they sound very cruel and mean.
 
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