oh you’re right-. I’m
All to blame and need therapy.
Blame is the last thing that is needed, and there is nothing wrong with emotional therapy any more than there is something wrong with physical therapy. Actually, both aim at increasing your capacity and quality of life, right? If that isn’t where you think your therapist is going, look for another one.
For instance, on the front of whether or not he respects you or supports you in your problems, this is an area where there are often communication problems covering for hidden insecurities. Let us say one party has a problem, maybe something that has him or her stuck or frustrated. Just having a kind ear to vent to would help. The other one, however, thinks a solution is expected. He or she is embarrassed to have no way to help with it–no answer. Instead of admitting that, the embarrassed one tries to minimize the problem (which may be what he or she does with his or her own emotional baggage), and the one with the problem feels let down and un-supported.
How different it would be if the “embarrassed” one could say, “I have no idea how to help you, because I don’t know how to cope with this problem when I have it myself. My strategy has been to ignore it, and (if I were honest) the truth is that I don’t want to look into the trunk I’ve stuffed that stuff into.” That takes a lot of trust, though. The one I’ve been calling the embarrassed one has to admit he or she sometimes doesn’t have an answer. He or she would have to honestly consider whether the “stuff it” strategy has really worked for him or her, and that could get messy. This person, afraid of his or her own resentments, rage, or impotence, may be doubly afraid to face emotions even less under his or her control–that is, his or her spouse’s emotions.
Your spouse may have problems you cannot fix. That’s true. It may be, however, that with therapy you can figure out some ways you don’t yet know about to learn ways of mutual support.
I’ve often said, “If you’re wrong, apologize, especially if you are not the most wrong.” Why is that? Because the person who is the most wrong and knows it is also usually the most defensive and the most fearful of condemnation. When faced with someone who is apologizing instead of accusing, sometimes that fear starts to thaw. Having had the opportunity to forgive, sometimes there is a greater willingness to ask for forgiveness. That is why the key is sometimes in the “least wrong” party to apologize.
The other reason, of course, is that very often both parties are convinced they are the “least wrong.” That doesn’t matter. What matters is that someone breaks the ice.
I would suggest that you talk to a counsellor before jumping in to all of this. You’ve suffered a lot of hurt, and it is important not to venture more than you can realistically leave out in the ring without retreating. A counsellor can help you to choose one of the appropriately-sized steps to take, not too big to manage nor too small to make any progress. A therapist can help you cope with your mistakes, too, and you’ll probably make some, too. Dealing with someone who has gotten into a habit of passive aggression requires jumping through some invisible flaming hoops. That takes courage and a willingness to start over.
Always remember this: Even if it is impossible to get along with your husband, this venture will give you two things. First, it will teach you many things about your husband that you will need to know in order to co-parent with him in the most low-drama way possible. Second, it will teach you a lot about your own style with others, your own insecurities, and your own strengths. That can only help you, no matter what he does. Do get help, though. This is territory that wants a coach, because you’ll make enough mistakes even with guidance. Without it, you could suffer a lot of mistakes you could have avoided. Who wants that?
