Question about Marriage Prep

[ladylinguist]

So, I have a question about marriage prep that every parish seems to require. First of all, every parish in my area demands that you contact them AT LEAST a year in advance to begin marriage prep (which seems a bit extreme). However, beyond that, what if the engagement is a long distance one? Can there be a waiver of requirements to go to marriage prep classes together if there’s absolutely no way that the couple can?

 

[kage_ar]

A year makes sense, if you are making a lifetime commitment!

For those in different places, each can take prep in the place where they are. Speak to your Priest, he will make the arrangements for you.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Around here they say contact them 6 months prior…

 

[puzzleannie]

If you wait until 6 months before your date to schedule marriage prep it will be harder to get your date, esp. in popular months, and you will have less choice of retreats and other required meetings. If one of you is out of town, he can do part of the prep long distance, but the part where you are interviewed and discuss differences and results of Focus test obviously should be done together with the priest. If you wait less than a year you will also have less time to resolve difficulties that may arise–getting original baptismal certificate, resolving other paperwork issues etc., Confirmation-this is a biggie. The sooner you see the priest the more time you have to work on unexpected surprises and problems you did not foresee.

 

[KayFrisco]

I can understand that some parishes may fill up wedding dates and engagement encounter weekends way in advance.

Ours required at least 6 months, but we also had 2 priests available to do the weddings, AND the priests don’t do the focus test - our parish has quite a few couples who do that as a ministry (though we did meet with the priest at least once or twice). So, perhaps it’s simply a matter of logistics that determine how much time a given parish/priest needs?

I have no idea what to tell you about the distance factor. I’m sure it would be up to your priest to determine how and if he’s inclined to work with that. Perhaps if you could meet with him, you could determine what is the parish’s official timeline (re:engagement) vs what flexibility he can manage.

 

[capsaicin]

A long distance relationship would need marriage prep MORE than a standard, face to face all the time, relationship. It’s easier to hide things or gloss them over, because there is limited time spent together.

This is not just some inconvenience the Church is imposing upon you. It is a necessary exercise in getting you talking about major issues that all married couples have to discuss. If you are going to spend your lives together, then six months to a year to prepare is not too much to ask.

If it is impossible for the couple to attend marriage prep together, then it is time for that couple to reevaluate their commitment. Either now is not the right time, or these two people are not meant to marry, or it is time for them to get serious and relocate one of them so that they CAN do marriage prep.

Parishes are willing to work with you. My DH and I were going to college in Chicago and planning our wedding back home in California at the same time. (With much help from moms and stepmoms!) We did our preCana and marriage prep with the priest at the parish we attended in Chicago, and he sent all the materials back to our home parish in California. We did do a little redundant prep at home, but not much… just to put the priest at ease that we had really done it… and then we got married only a few weeks after graduation!

Do not look at this as a roadblock. Look at it as the Church being loving and responsible toward you. They do not want to bind anyone in a lifelong, unbreakable, sacramental marriage without making sure they understand what they are really doing. Because wouldn’t it be wrong to obligate people to those requirements without fully educating them first? A year spent in prep can prevent 5 spent in counseling or divorce court.

 

[ladylinguist]

A long distance relationship would need marriage prep MORE than a standard, face to face all the time, relationship. It’s easier to hide things or gloss them over, because there is limited time spent together.

This is not just some inconvenience the Church is imposing upon you. It is a necessary exercise in getting you talking about major issues that all married couples have to discuss. If you are going to spend your lives together, then six months to a year to prepare is not too much to ask.

If it is impossible for the couple to attend marriage prep together, then it is time for that couple to reevaluate their commitment. Either now is not the right time, or these two people are not meant to marry, or it is time for them to get serious and relocate one of them so that they CAN do marriage prep.

Parishes are willing to work with you. My DH and I were going to college in Chicago and planning our wedding back home in California at the same time. (With much help from moms and stepmoms!) We did our preCana and marriage prep with the priest at the parish we attended in Chicago, and he sent all the materials back to our home parish in California. We did do a little redundant prep at home, but not much… just to put the priest at ease that we had really done it… and then we got married only a few weeks after graduation!

Do not look at this as a roadblock. Look at it as the Church being loving and responsible toward you. They do not want to bind anyone in a lifelong, unbreakable, sacramental marriage without making sure they understand what they are really doing. Because wouldn’t it be wrong to obligate people to those requirements without fully educating them first? A year spent in prep can prevent 5 spent in counseling or divorce court.

This wasn’t always a long-distance relationship. We lived in the same city for quite a while and were good friends for a long while before we became romantically involved. The long-distance aspect is very new, due to the fact that I just got out of the military and returned to the States. However, he will be stationed overseas for the rest of this tour (till September) and then he has to do another 3 year tour overseas. Which means that we will have a very short time window in which to have our wedding after this tour, by which I mean two weeks to a month, depending on where he goes next.

 

[Joannm]

Many diocese offer Engaged Encounter which is a weekend retreat that takes the place of traditional in-parish Pre Cana preparation. I am sure your fiancee and you get together during the year, you can make this weekend one of your get together times. They are usually held at a reatreat house and from what I hear they are very good, even better than the 6 week in-parish programs. Also, some diocese recommend that you take the FOCUS inventory.

 

[Lil_M]

In my area it is also a minimum of one year notification. Most parishes here only offer marriage prep once a year and that is why. We booked our date about 18-20 months in advance. Obviously it is the first thing to be done in order to plan anything else. We ended up changing it to suit our reception venue, and by then (15 months in advance) our backup weekend was already taken. So 1 year is really no guarantee on your date!

DH and I were also long distance (about 3 hrs apart) and I was still in university. Since my home parish runs it in a single weekend and his was one evening for several weeks, we just planned for him to take the weekend off work and do it there.

 

[ladylinguist]

DH and I were also long distance (about 3 hrs apart) and I was still in university. Since my home parish runs it in a single weekend and his was one evening for several weeks, we just planned for him to take the weekend off work and do it there.

Ours is a little more complicated due to the fact that he’s in the Middle East, so when I say long-distance, I mean long-distance. Also due to the short-length of the tour over there (one year), it’s very hard to get leave that you want. There chance of him being able to get leave during whatever weekend they have scheduled is close to zero.

 

[puzzleannie]

However, he will be stationed overseas for the rest of this tour (till September) and then he has to do another 3 year tour overseas. Which means that we will have a very short time window in which to have our wedding after this tour, by which I mean two weeks to a month, depending on where he goes next.

priests are instructed to assist in expediting sacraments in situations like this, please do not delay in seeing your parish priest, his unit chaplain, or whoever and get going today so you can meet this window.

 

[1ke]

So, I have a question about marriage prep that every parish seems to require. First of all, every parish in my area demands that you contact them AT LEAST a year in advance to begin marriage prep (which seems a bit extreme).

Marriage prep of one year is in no way unreasonable.

Many churches are booked up one year in advance as are the marriage prep classes/retreats. And, meeting with the priest to discern marriage a year before making a lifetime committment is not unreasonable.

However, beyond that, what if the engagement is a long distance one? Can there be a waiver of requirements to go to marriage prep classes together if there’s absolutely no way that the couple can?

The first thing to do is to talk to the priest who will be marrying you. Discussing ways to fulfill the marriage preparation requirements while long distance is important.

And, your statement that ther is “absolutely no way” you can complete the requirements is not acceptable. Of course you can. If you *can’t *then you are not ready to be married.

My husband and I were long distance, and we completed marriage prep without issue. We attended the weekend retreat in his state. We prepared with the deacon in my state. The deacon worked with us.

Look, the fact that you are “long distance” makes it even MORE important that you discern marriage together carefully and complete marriage preparation under the guidance of your priest.

Priests can work with you. There are ways to be flexible. There are ways to make it work for a long distance couple.

You sound like you are entitled to get married and that marriage preparation is some unreasonable expectation of the Church. I suggest an attitude adjustment on your part. Marriage is a Sacrament and like all Sacraments they are **gifts **of grace and are NOT entitlements. The Church has **authority **over the Sacraments and a **responsibility **to prepare all those who come forward seeking a Sacrament.

 

[Phemie]

Marriage prep of one year is in no way unreasonable.

Many churches are booked up one year in advance as are the marriage prep classes/retreats. And, meeting with the priest to discern marriage a year before making a lifetime committment is not unreasonable.

The first thing to do is to talk to the priest who will be marrying you. Discussing ways to fulfill the marriage preparation requirements while long distance is important.

And, your statement that ther is “absolutely no way” you can complete the requirements is not acceptable. Of course you can. If you *can’t *then you are not ready to be married.

My husband and I were long distance, and we completed marriage prep without issue. We attended the weekend retreat in his state. We prepared with the deacon in my state. The deacon worked with us.

Look, the fact that you are “long distance” makes it even MORE important that you discern marriage together carefully and complete marriage preparation under the guidance of your priest.

Priests can work with you. There are ways to be flexible. There are ways to make it work for a long distance couple.

You sound like you are entitled to get married and that marriage preparation is some unreasonable expectation of the Church. I suggest an attitude adjustment on your part. Marriage is a Sacrament and like all Sacraments they are **gifts **of grace and are NOT entitlements. The Church has **authority **over the Sacraments and a **responsibility **to prepare all those who come forward seeking a Sacrament.

On the other hand they may not be refused a sacrament if properly disposed, and since in this military case it is impossible for them to do marriage prep together (just as it was for DH & I) their pastors should find a way for them to do it apart. Our pastor does it all the time – in one case the bride was in Canada, the groom in England. He found a priest in England to prepare him, she was prepared here.

 

[KayFrisco]

I don’t think you sound the least bit entitled or as if you think the church is unreasonable, but I do think you are letting the initial logistics of the situation overwhelm you way more than is necessary.

The church will certainly honor his commitment to be in Iraq and will let you know how they can work with you two in order to properly prepare you for marriage.

As PP mentioned, please speak to your priest, and have him speak to the catholic chaplin closest to his unit. It will bring the situation down to size.

BTW, our diocese alone offers lots of different Engaged Encounter weekends, so I’m sure there are tons around the country that would fit into your fiance’s limited schedule. In many cases, you stay on site for the retreat, so you would both only need to manage to get to the same location. Room & board would be taken care of.

This isn’t as ominous as you are letting yourself feel right now. Remember, God didn’t lead you two to each other just to put you in an impossible situation. It will be beautiful and perfect. Just trust in that knowledge and enjoy the process.

 

[ladylinguist]

I don’t think you sound the least bit entitled or as if you think the church is unreasonable, but I do think you are letting the initial logistics of the situation overwhelm you way more than is necessary.

The church will certainly honor his commitment to be in Iraq and will let you know how they can work with you two in order to properly prepare you for marriage.

As PP mentioned, please speak to your priest, and have him speak to the catholic chaplin closest to his unit. It will bring the situation down to size.

BTW, our diocese alone offers lots of different Engaged Encounter weekends, so I’m sure there are tons around the country that would fit into your fiance’s limited schedule. In many cases, you stay on site for the retreat, so you would both only need to manage to get to the same location. Room & board would be taken care of.

This isn’t as ominous as you are letting yourself feel right now. Remember, God didn’t lead you two to each other just to put you in an impossible situation. It will be beautiful and perfect. Just trust in that knowledge and enjoy the process.

Thank you. My question was just based on the fact that our time over the next year is going to be very limited and very hard to arrange and our window for marrying before he’s off to his next duty station is going to be very small as well. It is a little panic-inducing because the distance makes everything feel so. . .complicated.

 

[1ke]

Thank you. My question was just based on the fact that our time over the next year is going to be very limited and very hard to arrange and our window for marrying before he’s off to his next duty station is going to be very small as well. It is a little panic-inducing because the distance makes everything feel so. . .complicated.

Your first post did not include the information that you are more than “long distance” but military too. While that does complicate things more, as has already been stated it does not mean you cannot complete marriage preparation and that you cannot marry.

The first thing you need to do is contact your priest. Ultimately, it is up to the priest to discern if you are ready for the Sacrament, to ensure all required obligations/paperwork are complete, and to schedule your marriage. One year is a guideline, and there may be sufficient leeway to accomodate you.

Just don’t expect accomodation, ask for it. And, while you may have your heart set on marrying sooner, you must be prepared to realize that it may end up being “later” and perhaps not this first leave.

Just talk to your priest first, before you start to feel more anxiety.

 

[KayFrisco]

Thank you. My question was just based on the fact that our time over the next year is going to be very limited and very hard to arrange and our window for marrying before he’s off to his next duty station is going to be very small as well. It is a little panic-inducing because the distance makes everything feel so. . .complicated.

I’m from a military family with friends who have needed to work life events around deployment dates, etc. It can certainly cause panic to feel like you’re up against 2 separate and unyielding forces when trying to schedule something like marriage prep and a wedding.

I know the wedding date is also going to be a factor for the military in acknowledging you as his wife and putting those services and privileges into place. My sister is in a situation where she will probably have to live with our mom for a while after she is married because her fiance lives in the barracks, and they can’t guarantee when the housing allowance will be added to his pay (so they can afford to live together).

Maybe I’m just spoiled to have been around priests who are really gracious and willing to approach each situation with prayer and openness. I’m sure you’ll experience the same measure of grace as you move forward.

Lots of things to consider, but lots of reasons to be assured that they will take each item into account! It can be done! Be hopeful! This is a promising and beautiful time!

 

[Ruthie]

BTW, our diocese alone offers lots of different Engaged Encounter weekends, so I’m sure there are tons around the country that would fit into your fiance’s limited schedule. In many cases, you stay on site for the retreat, so you would both only need to manage to get to the same location. Room & board would be taken care of.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.

I take it you are planning to marry during his leave between this deployment and the next. Is there no chance at all of his coming home during this tour? Or is it that he will, but there’s no telling when?

If the second is true, I’d suggest finding out when and where all the Engaged Encounter weekends are, writing to the parishes telling them your situation, and hoping that you can have one to go to when he gets home.

Otherwise, I’d plan your wedding for his first state-side leave during the 2nd deployment, and doing pre-Cana or E.E. when he comes home this time. Tough, I know, but wise.

God bless both of you, and keep you both safe,

Ruthie

 

[IrishAm]

As a military mom, may I also suggest you and your fiance contact the Catholic chaplains on your bases. Many times, the policies of civilian parishes – which well serve their parishioners – simply cannot meet the needs of our military men and women. Which is why, in the US, there is a military diocese staffed by priests who understand the challenges of your life and can work with you to meet your needs.

Thank you for your service – and blessings on your marriage!

 

[paperwight]

. If you wait less than a year you will also have less time to resolve difficulties that may arise–getting original baptismal certificate, resolving other paperwork issues etc., Confirmation-this is a biggie. The sooner you see the priest the more time you have to work on unexpected surprises and problems you did not foresee.

But you don’t have to be confirmed to be married. At least, I wasn’t.