question about marriage

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traillius

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When, if ever, does a time come when one should stop fighting to save an apparantly failing marriage, if the other partner keeps saying they want out of it?
 
traillius said:
When, if ever, does a time come when one should stop fighting to save an apparantly failing marriage, if the other partner keeps saying they want out of it?
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You shouldn’t stop fighting, and you should let your partner know that you will not stop fighting but if they want to leave they are free to go…Because well, you really can’t hold someone against their will, but you never stop fighting for your marriage. What’s the point of getting married if in a few years you are going to end up in divorce? See if I would have had a stronger Catholic education, maybe my mode of thought wouldn’t be so, unaccepting of the male and female roles… You know? And maybe I would be more willing to have accepted my manipulative exhusband… Therefore give Catholic counseling a try…Try to rekindle that flame that went out…Get to the root of the problem don’t let things die out…It’s the worst thing that can happen to a couple when the passion and the love is gone…Then you are just in a friendship not marriage…And friendship and marriage do go together but there has to be love and companionship, understanding, support, compassion as well as passion for each other in order for things to continue going well…

But the past can’t be changed, now I must look towards the future if I am making the same mistakes again…Example, fiance- Catholic-stronger Catholic than exhusband-Exhusband was Catholic by baptism only not by choice…Never really practiced it and when I came along and practiced it well you can imagine the problems…Especially since I was close to my family…He wasn’t…Jealousy and manipulation are well bed buddies, and believe me this man had it all…lol…

I grew up with my father manipulating and beating my mother, strong Catholic family, but because of Alcohol in his side as well from great grandparents and who knows how much further down the line, father’s alcohol problem was over the edge…I promised myself never to stay with a man whom would do anything like that to me…And after 10 years of trying to make things work, I gave up, lost my drive, lost my want, will, and love and I left him…Then he wanted to work things out and to change he’s changed so much he doesn’t even talk to his 3 kids!! LOL going on 1 year now!! LOL going on 4 years since he has seen them! So did I make the right choice? I like to believe so because now I am in a better relationship and my kids now have a home…And a less stressed out mother! LOL

So as long as you are willing to continue showing your spouse the love that got you both together to begin with, then you will be fine…If things are rocky then start over, with the little things that made your wife/husband want to see you…want to be with you…

I told my fiance, the day he can no longer make me laugh is the day things are too late to change…He told me the same thing… So far we still crack up at each other and man is it fun to do so…His eyes still sparkle for my dorkiness and I can laugh for days seeing his silly clumsy butt doing crazy stuff all the time… Right now we are working on him interacting with my children, since there is a lot of authority fights with my daughter, still to this day…SO it’s a work in progress… 😉 But as long as we are both willing to work at things together we should be ok…As long as it’s not just me working at it, like my previous marriage we should be ok, in the name of our Lord of course!😃

So don’t give up…And try whatever you can to keep your marriage alive and going!!! God bless, good luck!
 
Sadly, my wife may not agree. Unless you mean my death, which she believes is preferable. May God have mercy.
 
*😦 Why does your wife want out? Has she expounded on what the problem is? Have you both had any counseling through this? I’m so sorry this is happening to your marriage. *
 
The first step is to try everything you can to pursue household peace. The main Catholic options for help are Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille, both of which have websites. Or a therapist whose principle practice is couples counseling and shares the assumption that divorce is a problem. If none these come to pass, there is a terrific book by a psychologist at the University of Minnesota who is a practicing Catholic, Wm Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage, and it does an excellent job of suggesting practical ways to get along better.

If these fail, Catholic teaching on divorce is often oversimplified. There are questions you need to consider.

First, civil divorce is allowable under canon law, particularly when it eases disposition of custody of children. If you do get to this point (and I pray that you do not), I would urge you to consult a canon lawyer rather than a secular one because the former are less adversarial when it comes to decisions. This may or may not be an option where you live.

Second, what is forbidden, of course, is remarriage IF your first marriage is valid. If it is not valid, you can get an annulment. Talk to a canon lawyer about whether this is an option for you. I would be careful about taking advice from an anonymous forum such as this.

But, please, try every option you can for working out your issues. Religious education and therapy really can work.
 
I agree with everyone here that divorce should be avoided at all costs.

I hate to say it, but I know where your coming from. There comes a point when you just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if any of us can tell you where that point is.
 
the other possibility is that my wife has undiagnosed mental issues that make her unable to maintain control. I will have to pray, and hope
 
traillius said:
the other possibility is that my wife has undiagnosed mental issues that make her unable to maintain control. I will have to pray, and hope
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Is there any way you can offer her some counseling, even tell her it’s for you, you know, kind of like bash all the blame on you to see how she reacts once you get her into counseling go with both a priest and a private counselor maybe even a psychologist, for matters like these as wrong as it may sound, especially if you feel there is something reasonably wrong with your partner mentally, then try to put the blame on yourself until she agrees to go with you, once you are there well then everything should begin to unwind itself including getting her to the correct doctor to diagnose her properly and start treatmetn if any is needed or really see what the real problem is…

In either case don’t give up…

I believe that usually people leave their partners or want out from their marriages because/when:
  1. there has been an affair from either and or both partners
  2. they have fallen in love with someone else
  3. partner is extremely abusive including manipulative
  4. partner just doesn’t want to be tied down any more-has reverted to being young and free-psychological imbalance
(I am sure there are more reasons but at the top of my head at this moment without breakfast that’s all I can think about!!! 😦 lol)

I know so many men and women whom have fallen into these categories, I am one of these, number 3 actually…And even though I believe he did have an affair on me, I didn’t leave him even though my gut told me there was…

Anyhow, so we don’t really know all of the story behind your marriage so we really can’t help much more about it except never give up…there is always a way…unless that person is a number 3 then you really need to get them psychological help, and I tried that with my exhusband he didn’t even last a day so there are some cases where there is really not much you can do except pray and hope to GOD, He sends His Holy Spirit down and enlighten this person…

God bless and good luck
 
traillius said:
the other possibility is that my wife has undiagnosed mental issues that make her unable to maintain control. I will have to pray, and hope
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I went through a domestic violence issue with my dh that got to the point where we both had restraining orders. I got mine for the biolence and he got his for retribution. He did much introspection during those days without me and I did much praying. He realized he loved me. I told him he could come back on 2 major conditions:
  1. Counseling- both individual and as a couple
  2. He started attending mass again and went to confession
It has only been three weeks but our marriage is much better because God is back in it. Of course I realize the problem wasn’t that God wasn’t there - it was that one of us was not.

Matthew 10:34: “If you think I have come to bring peace I have not, I have come to bring the sword.” This means not that we fight wars, etc but that when we stand for our beliefs our peace comes in the hereafter and not in this life. I called my dh’s attention to this and let him know that when we argue I am not fighting WITH him - I am fighting FOR our marriage.

God bless, I will pray for you.
 
What is your wife like when she is not threatening to leave? Is she ever supportive or kind or does she tend to be more about put downs? Have things changed recently?
 
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