Question about Pre-marital Sex

[ChristopherB]

Hello everyone, my name is Christopher. I am currently dating a woman I love more than anything or anyone I have ever met. She is catholic, i am a believer in God, but am studying Catholicism. My eventual plan is to marry this woman, but for now we are just dating. My dilema is this. We have yet to have sex because it hasnt become an issue yet, but before it did, i told her i wanted to wait till marriage for us to make love, because i dont want what we have to feel cheapened by sex without Gods blessing. She was overjoyed to hear me say this being a devote catholic. My question is, how far is too far when it comes to this agreement people make before marriage. We have talked about it and decided no oral sex or intercourse. I personally do not see a problem with making out and such, even full body contact. I do however know that this can lead to sex or oral sex, but i am strong willed. Am i wrong for thinking that making out and full body contact and such is ok? I am not a virgin, although i wish i was. Will our decision to remain abstinent till marriage be tainted by the fact that neither of us is a virgin? If i could go back and change the past i would. Anything that can help will be appreciated. I know i kinda asked two questions there.

 

[Wieland]

I don’t know if there’s a hard rule; the important thing is to maintain a spirit of chastity in your relationship. Treat your girlfriend like a human being and not a sexual object (and of course that applies after marriage too). I’d suggest learning about the Theology of the Body (you can get Christopher West’s CD series “Naked Without Shame” for $5: giftfoundation.org/products_naked.cfm, I highly recommend it). If you want a rule of thumb, I’d say avoid touching areas covered by a typical bathing suit, don’t watch or read pornographic material alone or with her, and avoid conversations that you would be embarrassed if they were taped and played to your mother.
Don’t let the fact that neither of you are virgins discourage you from chastity. God is a forgiving God and loves to give you another chance. Your girlfriend as a Catholic can go to Confession and until you become Catholic, you can work on perfect contrition (sorrow for your sins out of love for God, a firm commitment not to sin again). In God’s eyes, this will restore your purity and it will also do great things for your relationship.

 

[AndyF]

Christopher:

Well, I can see that you’d make a good Catholic. Your striving to do things right are already inspiring others. I’m positive you will make a happy and holy couple.

Your feeling sorry for having previous sex already places you in the correct frame of heart for confession. I think it would be a good thing for both of you to clean the slate by going to confession, (literally, you are totally cleansed of every sin when you receive absolution at confession.)

So I wish you good fortune in Christ, and try to remain free from the occasions of sin. Learn to know your limits and what you both can tolerate.

Wish I could be at the wedding.!

(errr… better not, no resistance to cake. Arrrgggghhh).

Andy

 

[Jessi_Thomist]

It is important to remember that chastity is the virtue, not virginity. Like one of the others noted, there are some guidelines, but being chaste is not about “how far can we go sexually before I am unchaste” it is about loving God through your love of your girlfriend.
You really should think about reading a theology of the body- John Paul II really understood human love and our sexual bodies.

Peace.

 

[otjm]

I have a rather short answer to the question. If you have to ask how far is “too far”; you have already gone too far.

A quick peck on the cheek is not normally, for most people, sexually arousing. the same can be said for hand holding, sitting with your arm around her shoulder, a quick hug.

A kiss on the lips, quickly, is not normally arousing.

Petting is arousing. The purpose of arousal is to lead us to sexual intercourse. If sexual intercourse is not appropriate at the time (and it may not be even in circumstances between husband and wife), then there is no valid purpose in engaging in petting. and anything beyond petting is obviously out of line.

Spending time alone is appropriate in general but one ought to have enough sense to understand that spending time alone can lead to physical intimacy which is the start of sexual arousal. Spending time alone in the approximate area of horzontal accoutrements - a bed, a davenport, a blanket on the sand - you get the picture - can often be an invitation to physical intimacy. If spending time alone tends to lead to physical intimacy, then the obvious course of action is to spend time together with other individuals present.

Self honesty is not easy for most people. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we will recognize when we are constructing situations that will lead, or will have a strong tendency to lead to physical intimacy. We then have the choice of avoiding them, or acting in our own self interest and not that of our partner.

 

[kage_ar]

Don’t do anything before marriage that you would not do in front of her

mother
father
grandparents
priest
Mary and Jesus.

You have both sinned in the past, go to Confession and sin no more.

 

[BiologyBrain]

Am i wrong for thinking that making out and full body contact and such is ok? I am not a virgin, although i wish i was. Will our decision to remain abstinent till marriage be tainted by the fact that neither of us is a virgin? .

I would personally draw the line at making out. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by full body contact (clothed or not, etc), so I’d probably try to avoid it if you mean partially or completely unclothed. You mention that you are strong willed, but what about her? I’m not as strong willed in this area as my husband, so he can go ‘further’ than I can b/4 it becomes an obvious ‘problem’ for him. You’ve got to think about her near occasion of sin as well!

I’m a bit more permissive about some things than others here, but I know from my personal experience that laying on the couch ‘spooning’ while watching a movie was not necessarily sexually arousing for either me or my husband prior to our marriage (it still isn’t). We did this type of behavior in front of my pretty strict parents (they frowned upon it, but realized that’s as far as it went - laying next to one another). It was comfortable & somewhat intimate w/o crossing the line of being an occasion of sin IMO. We didn’t make out in front of my parents, but I still wouldn’t make out in front of them even though we’re married. I wouldn’t have sex in front of them either though… I don’t like that rule of thumb b/c there are just some things that are meant to be private (between man & wife & God) whether they’re morally right or not.

Since you both seem to be truly sorry for not being virgins, I’d say that’s not going to hurt your relationship. From personal experience again, I will say that I find it difficult sometimes to be confident in the marital embrace b/c my husband had prior experience that I didn’t have. I’m not a very confident person, so I’m always afraid I’m not doing something quite ‘right’ even though he reassures me I’m doing great. Not much of an issue for my husband though.

Just discuss it with your girlfriend to make sure you’re both on the same page on all these issues.

 

[puzzleannie]

no sex before marriage means no sex. no genital contact, no genital stimulation, certainly npt leading to orgasm. This means by definition do entry into situations where this behavior will be expected or likely. the happiness and strength of your marriage depend on this take if from my generation who were the first to believe the Big Lie in a big way and are reaping the consequences, among other disasters, in an onslaught of late-in-life divorces. as far as past behavior, yes it has consequences which cannot be erased, that is just a fact of life. go to confession and put it behind you.

 

[AdriannaJean]

The line for each individual is different. What you have to determine is what constitutes simple affection and what is likely to lead you to lust. Strong will and determination are great for avoiding the sin itself, but do not do anything that would make it difficult for you. Some people could make out without getting aroused (out of marriage = lust) and some people can’t even manage a kiss without it. It’s all about your mental state. If doing something (making out, full body contact etc.) leads your mind to stray to sexual things, then don’t do them. As Jesus said “whosoever looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

 

[manualman]

I can’t speak for everybody, only myself. I can’t think of a single time in the dating years that I ‘made-out’ with a girl horizontally and didn’t rather shortly thereafter sin (in SOME way or another). Maybe you’re stronger than me, but you better be sure of it!

Not being a virgin DOES hurt a couple’s bonding ability upon marriage. That’s WHY it is sinful. If it didn’t do any harm, it wouldn’t be a sin! But it isn’t a binary thing (like a light switch). It’s cumulative. The more promiscuous you are, the more damage you do to your ability to form a healthy sacramental marriage. God heals, but not by snapping His fingers. Forgiveness is instant, healing take time. Remember that when you’re tempted. Wish I’d thought of it that way in my dating years.