Question about sterilization

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Longview1818

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Here is the situation. I have a pretty rare genetic issue on my side of the family. Basically the chances of having a pregnancy going to term and having a "normal’ child is 1 in 1000+. In these other 999+ cases it typically results in miscarriages, still births, all of which are very traumatic physically and mentally. This has been extensively studied with my family as we are one of a few families who have this issue. Many doctors including some of the head geneticists in the country have been involved. Before being Catholic my wife and I had planned on adopting children and I would go in and have a vasectomy. My ex-fiance had several miscarriages and my wife became pregnant and we found out that the baby had died, so we had go in and have the baby removed in order to keep my wife safe.

About a year after all of this my wife “accidentally” became pregnant. We ran many tests, dealt with severe bleeding, thought a couple times we had had a miscarriage, emergency room visits and the list goes on and on. When all was said and done, my daughter was born healthy, but a carrier of this genetic issue, so she will have the same issues when she becomes an adult, which kills me. She is our miracle baby. In the mean time I have recently felt something missing in my life and have become Catholic. But I have been torn apart by these issues.

My wife is pushing me very hard to have a vasectomy. In all honesty I am not sure that I can blame her. She and I are both very scared for her to become pregnant, and having more complications which could severely harm her. And emotionally, my wife was very damaged after the pregnancy of our daughter. We have fought about this many times, to the point of her not taking birth control any more and using this as a tool to push/force me into having a vasectomy. Given the circumstances of this situation, I still imagine that the church would not condone having a vasectomy. However, if I do not there is a very real chance of my marriage ending in divorce. So avoiding one sin leads to another.

My wife is not irrational, so please do not judge her based off of this post, and until you have lived the hell that we have been through, please do not judge too harshly. I have prayed about this for at least a year or more, but I see no clear solutions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
I am sorry for all the suffering you have been through. I have also had a stillbirth and miscarriage. I absolutely know how hard it is to bury babies and I will pray for you and your wife. I know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt, if you follow the teaching of the church and continue to receive all the sacraments available to you God will give you the graces to get through this situation. My little ones are my Saints and I ask those babies to pray for me always. They have helped me beyond what I can explain. Ask your babies to pray for you!
 
You are correct. You cannot procure a vasectomy.

You and your wife can, however, practice natural family planning and avoid having another child.

If she “pushes” you to action, then of course that action is to abstain.
 
This is the issue however. NFP and abstaining are not on my wifes list of options. I keep asking myself, what is better: Divorce or taking the sin upon myself in order to keep my family together and not exposing my daughter to the hell of a divorce.

I hear people say go in and have this done, then go in and confess this, but I look at these people and wonder if that all being Catholic means to them, living the life of a sinner during the week and confessing on Saturday.
 
Boy it would be easy if we could commit a mortal sin and then just confess it the next time we drop by, but it isn’t real. We still have to repair the damage of our sins and we are still held accountable. How do you repair sterilization? You go get it reversed. I am not saying being Catholic is easy. My husband is not Catholic and I flat out told him NFP or nothing. Try reading Christopher West’s books. They really helped me to better approach my husband about this issue. He won’t read the books, but over the past few years I have had the chance to talk to him and explain how God intends a marriage to be an image of him and that God’s rules aren’t to punish us, but are to keep us safe. I know it is hard to deliver a child who is dead. One of the hardest things I ever did was to kiss their little cold heads and say good bye, but they are still gifts even if there was great sorrow attached to the gift. I love those babies just as much as I do the ones that have lived and I wouldn’t ask that I not go through the experience of delivering them if it meant I could no longer be their parent. If you Mother and Father would have sterilized you wouldn’t have the opportunity at life and neither would you daughter.
 
Welcome and prayers.

One question, is your wife Catholic and if not, is she practicing any Faith?

You might wish to consult with the National Catholic Bioethics Center ncbcenter.org/

Also, I would suggest you contact one of the staff at our host site here, Catholic Answers. They have a great Priest who can assist with pastoral advice.
 
Longview1818 said:
I hear people say go in and have this done, then go in and confess this.
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This in itself would be a sin… the sin of presumption. 😦

I am so sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine what y’all have been through.

But remember this… despite all odds, your wife became pregnant out of God’s will for your marriage and you have a beautiful, healthy daughter to show for it. I would be so thankful for this “accident”!! (And please note, I put the word ‘accident’ in quotation marks.) Yes, she is a carrier, but she is ALIVE and HEALTHY! What a miracle!

Have faith that God will see you through anything that comes your way… even this difficult cross you are facing.

I can’t in good conscience tell you to go have a vasectomy… even under the worry of divorce. The church would still not approve such an option.

Is your wife Catholic? If not, that presents a larger set of issues that need to be worked through besides just this one ya know? If she doesn’t understand the church’s view on marriage and sexuality, it will be very hard for her to understand why a vasectomy is not an option for you.

Please continue to pray about this and know that you are in mine. God bless!
 
This is a difficult situation. You and your wife are in my prayers…

It is a matter of trusting God. God may have a plan for more children in your family? (Don’t know, I’m not God)… But sterilization would prevent more children, no matter how many miscarriages, etc. might come along. NFP leaves the choice of conception up to God. No matter how much you plan, if God wants conception, there will be conception.

The subject of divorce is another bucket of worms.

My suggestion is for you and your wife to seek counsel with a priest or maybe a Catholic OB/GYN MD.
 
Longview1818 said:
This is the issue however. NFP and abstaining are not on my wifes list of options. I keep asking myself, what is better: Divorce or taking the sin upon myself in order to keep my family together and not exposing my daughter to the hell of a divorce.

I hear people say go in and have this done, then go in and confess this, but I look at these people and wonder if that all being Catholic means to them, living the life of a sinner during the week and confessing on Saturday.
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You cannot sin.

Go talk to your priest about counseling for you and your wife.
 
If you have a vasectomy and then confess it, you do NOT have to have it reversed in order to have relations with your wife. I have spoken with many priests about this and I believe I read it at Catholic Answers as well. My dh had a vasectomy and although we regretted it, we continue to have relations in good conscience.
 
sharmin said:
If you have a vasectomy and then confess it, you do NOT have to have it reversed in order to have relations with your wife. I have spoken with many priests about this and I believe I read it at Catholic Answers as well. My dh had a vasectomy and although we regretted it, we continue to have relations in good conscience.
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Did you sterilize knowing the Church teaching? You are required to make reparation for your sins? That means to repair for your sin to the best of your ability. How to you repair sterilization?
 
This is for sure a difficult situation but sterilization is not the answer.

You and your wife need to see someone who can help you both come to grips with the possibility of getting pregnant again. Your wife may not be irrational but she is scared - I would be too in her situation yet I know how well NFP works - my youngest is 22, I convinced my husband again to use it exclusively about 10 years ago (so yes, we used a barrier method which I was never comfortable with but my husband did not want to get me pregnant again, the last pregnancy scared him and then I spiraled into depression and he is not Catholic). So, you can see at least for 10 years it works to avoid, it also works to achieve because two of our three babies were conceived with the knowledge NFP gave of my fertility.

My prayers are with you as you and your wife work this out.

Brenda V.
 
Did you sterilize knowing the Church teaching? You are required to make reparation for your sins? That means to repair for your sin to the best of your ability. How to you repair sterilization?
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However your confessor directs you to do so… the only penance required for absolution to be complete is that assigned by the priest hearing the confession. If the family sterilized for financial reasons, feeling real pressure and fear, but then the regret and sadness of knowing they sinned overwhelmed them and they went to confession, how cruel would it be for the priest to tell that person they are not allowed to make love to their spouse unless they get it reversed? Sterilization is covered by insurance. Reversal is not and costs thousands. No compassionate priest would give an impossible penance. Nor would he ascribe sin where there is none, as in loving marital relations.

You must repair what you can in the way you are directed by your confessor. If reversal is not possible or feasible, it is not necessary. Even if it is possible or feasible, if the confessor does not require it as penance, it is not necessary.

Be careful what you tell people, or they may avoid the blessings of going to confession based on your erroneous words!
 
duskyjewel said:
However your confessor directs you to do so… the only penance required for absolution to be complete is that assigned by the priest hearing the confession. If the family sterilized for financial reasons, feeling real pressure and fear, but then the regret and sadness of knowing they sinned overwhelmed them and they went to confession, how cruel would it be for the priest to tell that person they are not allowed to make love to their spouse unless they get it reversed? Sterilization is covered by insurance. Reversal is not and costs thousands. No compassionate priest would give an impossible penance. Nor would he ascribe sin where there is none, as in loving marital relations.

You must repair what you can in the way you are directed by your confessor. If reversal is not possible or feasible, it is not necessary. Even if it is possible or feasible, if the confessor does not require it as penance, it is not necessary.

Be careful what you tell people, or they may avoid the blessings of going to confession based on your erroneous words!
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+2
 
Just because one person has received a certain penance does not mean that that penance is a blanket for everyone. To tell someone that they wouldn’t have to reverse it is irresponsible. Following that thinking, I could do what ever I wanted as long as I could find myself a priest that would forgive me and let me off the hook. If your priest advises that you certainly follow it, but don’t go telling someone else, I got off without having to reverse the situation and you can too. That isn’t very charitable or truthful.
 
You are doing the same thing by telling them they MUST have it reversed that you are accusing me of!

I am not telling anyone “I got off and so can you.” How rude…

Find me a reputable Catholic source that shows that what I said about confession and penance is wrong, and I will accept it.

I am not encouraging the OP to do or not do anything. I am not telling anyone “Go ahead and sin.”

I was trying to make sure nothing is said about confession and penance that is wrong.

Not everyone gets the same penance… true. YOU are the one making assumptions about what the penance will be, and being quite presumptuous in telling priests everywhere what you think it should be. Frankly, no one should care if you think their penance is sufficient for them to receive absolution. That’s up to their priest, to whom Jesus and the Church grant that discretion.
 
How about we go tell the OP to visit with a priest and tell him that he is about to sterilize and that once he is done he will confess it. Then ask the priest what the penance will be. Then it won’t be about what you got for a penance or that there may be a different penance. It will be what the priest says it will be. In the mean time I would find out all I could about the theology of the body. I wished I would have known it when I was younger. I fell in love with it and because of it I fell in love with my husband all over again.
 
If the priest is any kind of good priest, then he will speak to the OP about both sins… sterilization and presumption.

If the priest is any kind of good priest, he also will tell the OP what his inclination would be as to a penance for either or both of those sins. But he would also say that he cannot say for sure what penance he would give to any individual in the confessional before actually talking to said person, examining their conscience and reasons for sinning, determining how much culpability the person has (as in, if their choice was not totally free, influenced by outside pressure, unreasonable fear, traumatic history, ignorance, etc…), and finding out whether the person is really sorry and repentant.

Doesn’t your priest ask you questions, probe your reasons, discuss what other options you might have had, during confession? The ones I have been to confession with do… so they would not be able to tell me in advance what penance they might give, because they have not done all that.
 
With fear of really dragging this thread off topic, I think the question is not one of whether or not one should have a vasectomy reversed, but one of, Does the person fully understand church teaching on the matter, choose to disregard that teaching and sin anyways, thinking he/she can then just go to confession later?

A person cannot sin with the intent of going to confession afterwards — that is the sin of presumption, no? A person cannot say “I know murder is a sin, but gosh this person really annoys me so I’m going to pop him off and just go to confession afterwards and I will be forgiven.”

Does this make sense?
 
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