Question about the conditions of marriage

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Hello,

I have a question regarding my Roman Catholic brother who is married to a Byzantine catholic woman. This is a question regarding what one is expected and obligated to do when in a difficult situation in marriage. To get the picture, I have to tell the story, which is why this post is a bit long. I just want to say before I begin that what I will say will sound as if there is more to the story, or that I have left out important details to make it sound like some people are completely nonguilty, while others are tyrants. I just want to say that how bizarre it may sound, it is the truth. I am writing this because of of bewildering and absurd this situation is:

The marriage, between my brother and his wife seemed fine at the time of the marriage ceremony. However, after the wife got pregnant, it seems like something went severely wrong.

This woman is from a different country, currently living with her parents. They have been married for 3 years, and has yet to move in together. This brother of mine has had alcohol problems for a long time, which were present at the time of the marriage. However, he has since then remedied this and is now more or less a non-drinker. The plan from the beginning was for her to move to me and my brothers country and start a family life here, something that has been put to a halt. As if that situation isn’t bad in and of itself, it has come to my attention that she is emotionally abusing and mistreating him. She is constantly demanding my brother to send her more and more money to be sent to her, demand constant material supply, and being overall unreasonable. My brother is not a high-income earner, and he is already in high debt due to this constant giving. Whenever he visits her, she isn’t showing much affection, barely letting him hold his child, who resides with her in her country. He tells me that she still hasn’t forgiven him, even though it has been three years. Her parents seem to chime in.

The child recently had her first birthday, and according to her cultural tradition, it is a custom to buy for the husband to buy her a gold ring. I helped him to find an affordable one, not extravagant, bull still nice looking. It turns out that when he wanted to give her the ring while on a visit, she threw a fit and screamed that itis junk. She then demanded that he went with her to a jewelry store to buy a much more expensive one, which he did.
 
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Cont:

Both me and my mother have tried to talk and reason with both her and her parents, but they see us as enemies due to us trying to reason with them. It comes down to one time when my mother very calmy and in a very nice and polite way told her, while she was on a visit in our country, that a wife and husband should live together, and separate from their parents, and that it even says so in the bible. The wife didn’t give of any particular reaction, so my mother and I didnt think more of it. However, a year later my brother told us, despite promising his wife not to say anything (I don’t know why) that she started crying at his home and telling my brother that she would never forgive my mother. I also wrote an e-mail at some point asking her to lay aside the adversity and that I pray that we will come together in peace, and discuss if there are any bad things between us. Apparently, she sees me as an enemy too now.

There are other things that she is accusing me of that has never happened, which is one of the reasons that I seriously believe she isn’t at full health, mentally speaking. I have tried to talk to my brother to say that he van’t allow her to abuse him like this. He looks like a trainwreck. I also have said that I believe there are grounds for a potential annulment, considering the situation (I am starting to doubt if her intentions at the time of the marriage ceremony were pure, considering some questionable behaviors towards my brother, as well as her and her parents’ behaviour towards my mother and I).

The thing is however, that he believes that since he is married, there is nothing he can do, and that he has an obligation to stay on her side (read: serve her), no matter what. It has also come to my attention that his wife does not allow him to visit my mother and I, even though he still does it time to time, and that she tells him not to tell us certain things. For example, when the child was born there were talks about baptism, which is a subject has never been spoken about since. I am pretty sure the child is baptized now, but that my mother and I weren’t allowed to know anything about. When I try to ask about this, he just saus “I don’t know” and steers away from the subject.

No matter his past with his alcohol problem, he has fixed himself up. His wife is cruel, materialistic and manipulative. And my poor brother thinks he is trapped and doomed as he believes he has no option than to do as she says. She is contantly pushing him to fo things for her, while she is not doing anything.

What should I tell my brother? IS he trapped, like he seems to think he is? Or are there grounds for seperation/annulment without having to feel guilty about not upholding God’s sacrament?
 
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ZoonCorp said:
Whenever he visits her
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ZoonCorp said:
It has also come to my attention that his wife does not allow him to visit my mother and I,
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How can his wife forbid anything when she is in another country? Your brother does not live with his wife. I am confused about your story…if all this is true, you need to speak to a Priest.
 
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He should not give her any more money, gifts, or material support until she moves in with him. If she is not willing, he should consider civil divorce with the bond of the Sacrament remaining, or possibly an annulment. She does not seem to have the intention of a lifelong union as husband and wife, so that might be annulment grounds.
 
You and your mother need to butt out. You certainly don’t need to be discussing your brother’s marriage with his in-laws.

He picked her. He can choose to stay or go. It really isn’t your call or your business. If you think he is suffering from mental illness, encourage him to see a psychiatrist. If you think he is being physically abused, call the cops. That is really all you can do.

It is very unfortunate, but he made his bed.
 
Why are you minding your brother’s business? Presumably he is a grown adult man who can manage his own life and his own marital affairs. When you ask somebody a personal questions like about their child being baptized, and they say “I don’t know” and change the subject, that means Butt Out.

If you must say something, you can remind your brother that if he wishes to look into an annulment, he can go down to the parish church and talk to the priest about it. And once you’ve reminded him once, you need to leave it alone. He is not your child, and if you don’t like his choice of spouse, that’s too bad - it’s not your decision to make.

Sometimes people who claim they are so “trapped” in a relationship actually don’t mind the situation as much as you think they do. Blaming everything on the spouse is a common mindset of family members who just can’t fathom the fact that their own son, brother etc. simply doesn’t want to visit them or do what they say and that he is on some level quite content to be married to the spouse that you and your mom have decided is horrible.

About the only thing you could do would be to call law enforcement if you think he is in any physical danger, but I’m not getting that impression from your post.
 
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Either you don’t understand what you read, or you are purposefully deciding to side with the wife in in this case. My brother looks like a broken down wreck, and when or my mother and I get accused of something we haven’t done, it’s absolutely my problem. I’m not going to participate in a tyrant’s game where she decides when I as an uncle or someone else should shove off whenever it suits her. I have done her no ill. Are you guilty of this? Because it seems that I hit a nerve.

Had my brother been able to live happily with his wife, that’s what matters at the end of the day. It is not a matter of me or my mother “deciding” anything about her character. The question in this topic is regarding whether a marriage is unconditional no matter the circumstances.
 
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That’s what I am thinking too. The intention of a lifelong union is a condition, right?
 
Because he believes that he has to do exactly what he is told to do, since she is his wife.
 
Take him out to lunch.

Make sure he gets a good meal.

No preaching.
 
ZoonCorp said:
Because he believes that he has to do exactly what he is told to do, since she is his wife.
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No thats very weird, he is the head of the family. He should tell her to move in with him, if she refuses, then he should tell her that he is considering an annulment. Matrimonial rights and duties include raising children together and at least living together!

Canon 1095, 20 Grave lack of discretionary judgment concerning essential matrimonial rights and duties.
You or your spouse was unable to judge or evaluate either the decision to marry or the ability to create a true marital relationship.
Source: http://www.stmarys-waco.org/documents/Grounds for Marriage Annulment in the Catholic Church.pdf

I hope the marriage works out, for the child, but I can’t judge the situation, ask him to talk to his priest.
 
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Thank you, Lia.

Yes, I agree that it’s weird. I had hoped to receive this kind of reply, as I needed to know more about matrimonial rights and the conditions thereof. Thank you again.
 
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