Question for married couples reguarding sex toys

[pumpkinbeast]

This is the best spot I can think of to post this question… I have been a bit of a lurker on Catholic Forums from quite awhile, but I’ve never posted yet. ^^

Anyways, I was homeschooled for most of my life, and though I wasn’t exactly sheltered, I had never heard much about sex toys until I got to university. Now my residence’s floor is having a Fantasia party (for those who don’t know, that’s where someone brings in an array of sex toys and explains their function to a group of people). I’m not planning on going, because I know most of the stuff will be objects used for masturbation, which I know is a sin… I’m guessing, though I don’t know for sure, that married couples could use sex toys as a form of fore-play, as long as the natural marital act takes place. So, my question is this: Is knowing about how to use sex toys really that essential for better sex? Will I really have to know how to use these things someday? It just seems to me that it would sort of cheapen sex, make it more just plesure orientated… 0.o I’ve very confused. I’m obviously not married, though I am in a serious courting relationship, and my boyfriend and I are seriously considering getting married after I get my degree.
Any opinions would be helpful!!! Thanks in advance!

 

[mchale]

This is the best spot I can think of to post this question… I have been a bit of a lurker on Catholic Forums from quite awhile, but I’ve never posted yet. ^^

Anyways, I was homeschooled for most of my life, and though I wasn’t exactly sheltered, I had never heard much about sex toys until I got to university. Now my residence’s floor is having a Fantasia party (for those who don’t know, that’s where someone brings in an array of sex toys and explains their function to a group of people). I’m not planning on going, because I know most of the stuff will be objects used for masturbation, which I know is a sin… I’m guessing, though I don’t know for sure, that married couples could use sex toys as a form of fore-play, as long as the natural marital act takes place. So, my question is this: Is knowing about how to use sex toys really that essential for better sex? Will I really have to know how to use these things someday? It just seems to me that it would sort of cheapen sex, make it more just plesure orientated… 0.o I’ve very confused. I’m obviously not married, though I am in a serious courting relationship, and my boyfriend and I are seriously considering getting married after I get my degree.
Any opinions would be helpful!!! Thanks in advance!

My personal opinion is that within the bounds of the Church’s teaching, the use of “marital aids” is strictly between a husband and wife. Ultimately, I think a couple can live a fully satisfied life without such toys, after all, they haven’t been available to most people until recently. In fact, even inside a marriage relationship, they might end up being used as a shortcut for trying to keep the passion of the relationship alive rather than each person working to build romance.

–
Bill

 

[Nechasin]

Here is a link to another thread that is dicussing this very issue. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=117170 In this other thread there is also links to the Ask an Apologist Forum for related questions there.

 

[lotusblossom]

I know this has been a recently debated issue, as shown by the previous poster’s link to one of the threads. You will find many opinions there.

Personally, I would opt for not using sex toys, as I think it could make it easy to cheapen sex or objectify the act. I talked to my husband about this very subject when I first read a thread about it and he just said, “No, I’d never want to use them” for the reason I stated above. I wouldn’t say they are sinful or anything when used as foreplay in the context of marriage, but I would never use them myself. Honestly, in my own marriage, it’s not the physical pleasure that is primary, but the satisfaction and unity comes from the whole act itself.

 

[Sandi]

What is wrong about the pleasurability of sex in marriage? Sex IS pleasurable – if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable. I don’t “get” why some people are so afraid of enjoying it.

BTW, I think sex toys are rather icky and wouldn’t use one but if a married couple uses them to enhance their sex life, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

 

[lotusblossom]

What is wrong about the pleasurability of sex in marriage? Sex IS pleasurable – if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable. I don’t “get” why some people are so afraid of enjoying it.
QUOTE]

I just wanted to say that I may have come across as saying pleasure in sex is bad…I didn’t mean it that way. I enjoy the pleasure immensely, but I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t use sex primarily to get pleasure for myself…if that makes sense . Nothing wrong with pleasure at all! Like you said, if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable (and SO pleasurable at that! ).

 

[leonie]

Sandi;1627940:

What is wrong about the pleasurability of sex in marriage? Sex IS pleasurable – if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable. I don’t “get” why some people are so afraid of enjoying it.
QUOTE]

I just wanted to say that I may have come across as saying pleasure in sex is bad…I didn’t mean it that way. I enjoy the pleasure immensely, but I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t use sex primarily to get pleasure for myself…if that makes sense . Nothing wrong with pleasure at all! Like you said, if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable (and SO pleasurable at that! ).

well, I think you said it very well in the first post. If you are using sex for pleasure without regard to the unitive and procreative aspects, then you are way off track.

And, frankly, I’m shocked that college students in a dorm would host such a party. I’m assuming that they are all single. Most are supported at least partly by their parents.Their parents would approve of spending money on this?



This thread makes me even more nervous about sending my kids to college.

 

[mchale]

lotusblossom;1627983:

well, I think you said it very well in the first post. If you are using sex for pleasure without regard to the unitive and procreative aspects, then you are way off track.

And, frankly, I’m shocked that college students in a dorm would host such a party. I’m assuming that they are all single. Most are supported at least partly by their parents.Their parents would approve of spending money on this?



This thread makes me even more

nervous about sending my kids to college.

I am afraid you either have never been to college, or just haven’t been to college for a long, long time. Pretty much since the 1960s, College has been where kids have ended up experimenting with all sorts of things that their parents probably wouldn’t approve of. That being said, not every kid who goes to college is like this. Many try to stick to the straight and narrow and fall off it no more than the rest of us. But just remember, even if they don’t go to college, there is no way to be sure that they do not engage in that sort of behavior on their own. The first years after High School are where kids assert their independence. They are going to make mistakes but hopefully they won’t stray too far if you have raised them correctly.

Certainly, if you want to minimize their exposure some schools are better than others. Definitely cross any school with a party school reputation off your list (Ironically, party schools are often in otherwise idyllic settings in the countryside… basically, kids party because there is nothing else to do.).

–
Bill

 

[deb1]

lotusblossom;1627983:

well, I think you said it very well in the first post. If you are using sex for pleasure without regard to the unitive and procreative aspects, then you are way off track.

And, frankly, I’m shocked that college students in a dorm would host such a party. I’m assuming that they are all single. Most are supported at least partly by their parents.Their parents would approve of spending money on this?



This thread makes me even more

nervous about sending my kids to college.

Although I understand shock, I don’t think that you can be surprised. Have you ever watched those ads for girls gone wild? Aren’t all of those young women college students whose vacations are paid for by mom and dad?

My son wants to be a film director and I understand that this is a field in which he will be exposed to very liberal thinking. I have been having long conversations with him about right and wrong.

As far as the OP. I think he/she is concerned that when they marry they will not be knowledgeable enough for their future spouse. Please don’t worry. If you both love and respect one another then you will figure out how to make love, sex toys or not.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

leonie;1628100:

I am afraid you either have never been to college, or just haven’t been to college for a long, long time. Pretty much since the 1960s, College has been where kids have ended up experimenting with all sorts of things that their parents probably wouldn’t approve of. That being said, not every kid who goes to college is like this. Many try to stick to the straight and narrow and fall off it no more than the rest of us. But just remember, even if they don’t go to college, there is no way to be sure that they do not engage in that sort of behavior on their own. The first years after High School are where kids assert their independence. They are going to make mistakes but hopefully they won’t stray too far if you have raised them correctly.

Certainly, if you want to minimize their exposure some schools are better than others. Definitely cross any school with a party school reputation off your list (Ironically, party schools are often in otherwise idyllic settings in the countryside… basically, kids party because there is nothing else to do.).

–
Bill

I’m at a university in a fairly idyllic setting in a small town, and I find plently of things to do besides party. Some parties are good, where everyone is just there to dance and have fun, others are bad, where people are drunk and grinding… But my school doesn’t have a rep as a party school.

Don’t worry about your kids going to college/university. If they have their heads in the right place and faith in their hearts, they’ll have no problem staying away from the sinful side of university life. my friends accepted me and my beliefs with no problem, once they realised I wasn’t just a sheep blindly following a shepherd.

Thank you for all the replies; it seems that sex toys really aren’t necessary, and, if anything, not useful either! ^^

 

[Gertabelle]

leonie;1628100:

As far as the OP. I think he/she is concerned that when they marry they will not be knowledgeable enough for their future spouse. Please don’t worry. If you both love and respect one another then you will figure out how to make love, sex toys or not.

I totally agree with this. Part of the joy of waiting until marriage is the deepening of the relationship through learning about and with each other. If you are considering going to the “toy party” I would say just don’t go. When you and your husband are married, you can choose the path that’s best for you together. You will never regret having waited!!!

 

[leonie]

leonie;1628100:

I am afraid you either have never been to college, or just haven’t been to college for a long, long time. Pretty much since the 1960s, College has been where kids have ended up experimenting with all sorts of things that their parents probably wouldn’t approve of. That being said, not every kid who goes to college is like this.

–
Bill

Ball State University, Muncie, Indiana class of '92!

The moral climate was not great, but we sure didn’t have sex toy demonstrations in the dorm!

To op, after being homeschooled, were you prepared for this kind of stuff going on? I’m just asking because we homeschool.

 

[lotusblossom]

leonie;1628100:

I am afraid you either have never been to college, or just haven’t been to college for a long, long time. Pretty much since the 1960s, College has been where kids have ended up experimenting with all sorts of things that their parents probably wouldn’t approve of. That being said, not every kid who goes to college is like this. Many try to stick to the straight and narrow and fall off it no more than the rest of us. But just remember, even if they don’t go to college, there is no way to be sure that they do not engage in that sort of behavior on their own. The first years after High School are where kids assert their independence. They are going to make mistakes but hopefully they won’t stray too far if you have raised them correctly.

Certainly, if you want to minimize their exposure some schools are better than others. Definitely cross any school with a party school reputation off your list (Ironically, party schools are often in otherwise idyllic settings in the countryside… basically, kids party because there is nothing else to do.).

–
Bill

I just graduated from Franciscan University, and I never once had heard of any kind of party that sold sex toys happening on or off our campus. I know there were parties, but none of this kind and especially not on our campus.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I was sort of surprized, but not completely shocked. Most of the people who are here haven’t been lucky enough to have parents who homeschool, so I didn’t expect any of them to have the same morals as I do. They would have been pretty much drowned in modern secular culture for most of their life, without a clear idea of what’s right and wrong. As for preparedness… you don’t have to know every immoral thing people are capable of to be prepared. The main thing that helped me was learning the ‘why’ of the Catholic faith, not just what we believe, and mock-apologetics sessions, where we practiced answering common questions that most people outside of the Church would ask. Some people won’t accept even the most reasonable answers, unfortunately… but, yes, I think I was pretty well prepared.

The really scary thing about this party is it’s not just one really liberally minded person kind of half forcing half convincing all the girls on our floor to do this, they all voted on a few choices of educational sessions we could have(like dancing, self-defence, etc), and they picked the sex toys. x.x

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I was sort of surprized, but not completely shocked. Most of the people who are here haven’t been lucky enough to have parents who homeschool, so I didn’t expect any of them to have the same morals as I do. They would have been pretty much drowned in modern secular culture for most of their life, without a clear idea of what’s right and wrong. As for preparedness… you don’t have to know every immoral thing people are capable of to be prepared. The main thing that helped me was learning the ‘why’ of the Catholic faith, not just what we believe, and mock-apologetics sessions, where we practiced answering common questions that most people outside of the Church would ask. Some people won’t accept even the most reasonable answers, unfortunately… but, yes, I think I was pretty well prepared.

The really scary thing about this party is it’s not just one really liberally minded person kind of half forcing half convincing all the girls on our floor to do this, they all voted on a few choices of educational sessions we could have(like dancing, self-defence, etc), and they picked the sex toys. x.x

As a non-homeschooled college grad that as never had a home-schooled friend (not by choice, but I just have never come across any) I don’t think their lack of being homeschooled is the reason their morals are different, but I do think that the difference in parents may be a good reason. Its sad that it was even an option and sad that they would choose that “educational session”.
Anyways, I graduated less than 3 yrs ago from college, and was very familiar with dorm life, and our dorms never had a party like the one you mentioned (at least not organized by the dorm).

BTW, I agree with the posts saying don’t go and don’t worry about knowing about all these things. You do not need any of these kind of things to have a happy marriage.

 

[Jay2]

Back to the original topic…

What goes on between a man & wife in their bedroom (knowing full-well what the indended purpose of, and end result of intercourse should be) is nobody’s business but their own.

If they want to use “toys”, “role-play”, play games, or dress up, etc. that’s fine by me

What is wrong about the pleasurability of sex in marriage? Sex IS pleasurable – if God didn’t want us to enjoy it, He wouldn’t have made it pleasurable. I don’t “get” why some people are so afraid of enjoying it.

If you are using sex for pleasure without regard to the unitive and procreative aspects, then you are way off track.

Western Culture has got their knickers in such a twist about sex. It’s been drilled into us as being:
Naughty
Degrading
Dirty
and should only be “Man on top get it over with quick”… because if you enjoy it you’re a sex-crazed pervert or something.

One of the other benefits of practicing NFP is knowing when your wife shouldn’t be able to conceive , and if using “marital aids” increases the “unitive aspects” of having sex during this time go for it.

I’m not afraid to share something here… after about 2 years of marriage when the initial “oh wow” of sex with my wife wore off we sensed a problem. I didn’t know, and she didn’t know if she orgasmed… she’d never experienced one before… and I’d never been with a woman experiencing one!
We agreed to “experiment” a little and it involved a vibrator. Yes, it was a little strange at first, but it taught her (and me) “what buttons to push and how to push them” about her sexuality and now she can orgasm (or allow herself to orgasm).

(I think our 1st was conceived after this… so much for NFP…)

The “toy” is long in the garbage… we don’t need it anymore… but what we learned about eachother isn’t.

 

[C.T]

I think for some people–OK, let me speak of what I know–for some women pleasure can be easily derived from intercourse and for some women, it’s a bit trickier. We are all built a little differently, and so are men. Some women may never reach orgasm without some external stimuation (a lot of those fabulous little nerve endings may not be in places where a penis spends much time), and for others it’s not the only way to orgasm, but it’s nice. It really doesn’t take fancy equipment to stimulate those places, but there’s nothing especially wrong with finding a useful tool for the job either. There’s a danger, true, of addiction at the extreme, or, more subtly, of letting the easy O become the only effort put into the sexual relationship. But, like a glass of wine, which can also become a minor crutch or a life shattering addiction, there’s nothing inherently wrong with a sex toy as an aid to marital intercourse.

That said, is there any particular reason why a person not yet married needs to educate him or herself about such things? I tend to think not. Newlywed sex isn’t about orgasms, really, although they can be in great supply at that time. It’s about union of shared pleasure and shared future. It’s so great that even without an orgasm it still leaves you all glowy and happy (or at least that was my experience as a woman, who frequently had orgasms in those newlywed years, and occasionally did not). You don’t want to bulldoze that innocence. But eventually it is replaced with needing to feel like your spouse knows you. Whether or not a couple will benefit from experimentation with or without sex aids at that point kind of depends on who they are, what they like, and how they are built. The more sex you have the more you will need to talk about it, and I don’t see any reason why “vibrator” should be a taboo word in those conversations. If, on the other hand, you and your spouse need to talk more openly, and instead you just buy a sex toy, eventually the problem will resurface.

It sounds like this is something you really don’t need right now, and may never need to explore at all. So don’t bother with it. But there’s no need to be morally outraged by it either. It’s not like you are being asked to sell bouquets of condoms as a hall fundraiser (which I was asked to do as a freshman, and obviously had to refuse).

 

[susie_g]

So, my question is this: Is knowing about how to use sex toys really that essential for better sex? Will I really have to know how to use these things someday?

I lived a pretty sheltered life, as well. I grew up in an Evangelical home, went to an Evangelical university, and then lived at home until I got married. I didn’t know very much about sex before I got engaged, and then I read a book to prepare me for marriage. I am SOOOOO glad that I wasn’t exposed to the kinds of things that are going on in many colleges today. My innocence was a good thing. And my virginity was a gift to my husband on our wedding night.

As far as needing the “education” you describe, I say this: My husband and I have been married for 12+ years. I am pregnant with our 6th child. I think we did OK without the “sex toy” party, don’t you?

 

[Karin]

I lived a pretty sheltered life, as well. I grew up in an Evangelical home, went to an Evangelical university, and then lived at home until I got married. I didn’t know very much about sex before I got engaged, and then I read a book to prepare me for marriage. I am SOOOOO glad that I wasn’t exposed to the kinds of things that are going on in many colleges today. My innocence was a good thing. And my virginity was a gift to my husband on our wedding night.

As far as needing the “education” you describe, I say this: My husband and I have been married for 12+ years. I am pregnant with our 6th child. I think we did OK without the “sex toy” party, don’t you?

only if bearing children is an indication of a satisified sex life

 

[LynnieLew]

That is an interesting post.

What would concern me would be the purchase of such an object. If we are to stay away from pornography (images of others in a revealing nature/act) than it would seem most difficult to even seek out these projects without offending ones purity.

I guess that this is a line that seems really thin. Our society is so full of sexual preversion that it would seem that you could get carried away. It may start with toys and then move on to books or web porn, etc.

At my bridal shower someone got us the illustrated Kama Sutra. While we thanked her for thinking of us it went in the trash. Who wants to start off your marriage by pouring over images of another couple having sex!