Question for Married Men, do you still "make love to your wife"?

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choirmember

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I was just wondering…
My husband and I have been going through a rough patch to to say the least, I have been trying very hard to bring our relationship back to happiness.
Now here is my question: After several years of marriage and a few kids do you still enjoy “making love” to your wife,or have you thrown that part of the equation out?
Last night our 3 very young kids slept over grandma and grandpa’s house. My husband and I went to a very long movie. It was good though. We got home a little before 11pm. We went to bed he turned on some old rerun sitcom and watch for 15 minutes, then he put some comedy on (reached over to touch me a little ) I din’t get up and start doing kinky things for him so within a few minutes he fell asleep.
Every time we have sex he wants me to do certain some what kinky things for him first to get aroused. I don’t mind sometimes but everytime…
I would love for him to be considerate of me for once and turn off the TV or put on some music , be sweet, to me and not ask me to behave like some porno article.
Do all you men do this to your wives???
by the way I have told him exactly what I want!Many, many times, he just tells me I’m being dificult!
Is this to much to ask??? Really?
 
Your husband is being selfish. Plain and simple.

Not married and not a man, but that’s not what St. Paul had in mind when he said, “Love your wives like Christ did the Church.”
 
First thing you need to do is get that TV out of your bedroom. THat is horrible for a relationship. You need that going to sleep time for talking and snuggling. If the TV is in there, it is a distraction and things that husband and wife need to talk about or do won’t happen.
 
It depends upon what you mean by “kinky”? It seems like you didn’t respond at all. Did you touch him back at all? Kiss him , maybe? This being a family board you may not be able to describe kinky. Perhaps you can discuss this with a trusted friend or priest.
That being said there should be some give and take as to how the marital act takes place. Sometimes it is how the wife likes it best and sometimes it is how the husband likes it best. Ideally the two communicate together and come up with what works for the enjoyment of both. It is to be expected that there might be some things that one or the other will not do. Just as there will be some things that one spouse will do for the other even though they don’t like it so much. Just as long as someone is not being demeaned .

Counseling maybe? Will he read something with you ? How about Greg Popcak’s new book- Holy Sex ?
 
noclevername said:
First thing you need to do is get that TV out of your bedroom. THat is horrible for a relationship. You need that going to sleep time for talking and snuggling. If the TV is in there, it is a distraction and things that husband and wife need to talk about or do won’t happen.
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Yup. I see it as a major problem in many marriages. Mine included.
 
choirmember said:
Is this to much to ask??? Really?
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No it’s not!

We have been married 24 years. At first we made love almost daily, then when we started our family and that dropped to a couple of times a week. After 10 years and child # 3 it was down to once or twice a month.

By then we were also going through a pretty rough patch in our relationship. My wife operates a farm and I have a demanding job. 3 kid’s, high debt load, heavy work schedules and lots of stress you get the picture.

She initiated getting back to at least weekly and our communication improved. One day I read a article on the news about sexual satisfaction among married couples and it gave a re-cap of how often they made love. It showed that those who made love in the 2+ times per week reported very high satisfaction. It then made the comment that those who made love daily or almost reported off the charts!

At that point I thought about our first years, and thought at our age what do I have to lose? That was over 4 years ago and I have to say that it works! Our personal relationship has never been stronger, we are on the same page with how to raise our kids and the stress of the business relationship is much less then 5 or 10 years ago.

As far as the “kinky stuff” depends what you mean, all guys like some foreplay, and so do most women, my wife while occasionally liking it on an extended basis would normally like a back scratch or massage! I am sure if you were creative you can find something you and he would both enjoy! In our case one of the solutions was to just get the same bedtime worked out!
 
I agree 100% about the TV. Laptop computer’s also have to go, even Blackberry’s and cell phones can be a distraction that kills the mood!
 
I think I better me more descriptive…
When I talk about kinky lets just say , That PopCake, is not what my hubby uses to draw from with regards to sex. He is more of a Maxim Magizine man. (you know that soft porn garbage).
I would love a backrub or to give him one, or a massage. I would love for him to kiss me from head to toe.(he used to do that many moons ago).
Now all he wants is for me to put on trashy SM type boots or heals, and stand over him and talk nasty to him and demand he do certain things to me. I feel like a hoar. And he thinks its fun. This gets him turned on. (once in a while for fun I don’t mind fullfilling his fantasys but this has become routine and I don’t like it!)
 
Your hubby is being selfish for sure. He shouldn’t make you do things that you don’t feel comfortable doing… and you should both seek to make the other happy (sexually) and within reason.
I would also get the TV out of the bedroom.
Will your husband do any reading? Is he Catholic?
I highly recommend Christropher West- book. The Good news about Sex and Marriage
christopherwest.com/item.asp?CategoryID=8
I haven’t read Popcak’s new book yet but I am sure its good.
Sex is alot about bonding and love… intercourse should make you both feel close to each other.
 
Blessed2X,
No, unforunatly my husband is not a Catholic and does not feel compleed at all to follow any church teachings nor read any “Catholic type books of sex, marriage etc…”
 
choirmember said:
I would love a backrub or to give him one, or a massage. I would love for him to kiss me from head to toe.(he used to do that many moons ago).
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Sometimes to receive you have to give:
Try this ( I know I couldn’t resist) tell him you would like to give him a backrub, have him lay down on the bed, then come in in the nude or some nice lingerie with lotion and give him the best full body massage you can muster. That should start some action. He might even want to try it with you next time.

You need to talk about how you are willing to indulge him but you need help with your needs and don’t want to feel used. But being a guy I like action and example better then words.
 
GFarmer,
you don’t seem to be fully unerstanding the situation…
I do GIVE HIM back rubs, I get a quick pat on the back. I wear tasteful, sexy lingeri, he asks for the stilleto heals and a lap dance, with me demanding he kiss me in places I cant say on this forum.
bottom line… he wants XXX I want Holy
 
#1 - you need to tell him that you have different needs
#2 - turn the TV off or kick it out
#3 - instead of waiting for him to tell you what he wants you to do to him, do what you like first
other than that, yes, my dh is thrilled to make love to me even 9 months about to pop with our 9th baby and being together 16+ years
it has nothing to do with how many kids you have or how long you’ve been married. does it change over the years and at different times? yes. but the love is most certainly still there.
I hope you and your dh can find a solution that satisfies you both.
 
Been married a long time. The physical side of our relationship has always kept us close.

She initiates at least as much as I. I can tell by her touch if she wants to make love or have sex, and I’ll just let it go at that because this a family forum. If a man has trouble making a distinction in what she wants, then I’d say he needs a little work.

So yes, I do make love to my wife, but sometimes we have sex. but not into anything weird, like pain.
 
choirmember said:
GFarmer,
you don’t seem to be fully unerstanding the situation…
I do GIVE HIM back rubs, I get a quick pat on the back. I wear tasteful, sexy lingeri, he asks for the stilleto heals and a lap dance, with me demanding he kiss me in places I cant say on this forum.
bottom line… he wants XXX I want Holy
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Sorry!

Bummer!!
 
OK, Catholic or not, Hubby needs to realize that having sex is more than just what turns HIM on! Honestly, hasn’t he heard of taking turns?

Seriously, he expects you to do stuff that can’t even be mentioned on a family forum and YOU’RE the one who’s being difficult?

He shouldn’t be demanding ANYTHING! Honestly, even secular sources will say not to make your partner do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable!

He gave up his right to demand things his way when he said “I do.”

Maybe marriage counseling would be a good idea.

I’ll pray for you!
 
yes, we do need marriage counseling, but he refuses. He started to to see a therapist on his own about a year ago “for himself” for his own stresses. (The therapist is an hour away from where we live) It’s like he did it on purpose so that I would never be able to set up a session and let the therapist know what other issues he needs to address.
So I started to see a therapist myself, one that is local. I have invited him many times to come with me to a session. He won’t go.
He is not Catholic, I have been asking him for years to at least meet with the priest and learn a little (we are after all raising our kids according the church, baptised, catecism classes etc…)
I had a nice conversation with my priest, he even tried to call my hubby just to talk to him, no pressure, just talk.(the call went to voicemail) My husband, got very angry at me for having the priest call him . And he never called him back. (that was 2 months ago).
I don’t know sometimes I just want to give up on this marriage. And file for an anulment. But we have 3 kids to think of. It’s hard.
 
Most likely, the problem is from the magazines he is filling his eyes and mind with. I think that if those are eliminated…even if he is angry over that for a while…he will hopefully learn to view sex as a mutual act, instead of a woman-designed-as-a-sex-toy act. Those magazines can be lethal to marriages. He needs to really stop reading them, and start focusing on the beautiful and willing wife he has at home–you. I will pray that you and your husband get back on the same page soon, with this. God bless!
 
Maybe a bit of background would help - was he non-Catholic when you married him? Did he show respect for your faith and morals? What about your pre-marital counseling, the discussions about sex, did he make his fetishes known then?

Find a Catholic therapist or counselor for yourself, and keep going.
 
i am sorry you are going through this. we went through something similar and it has gotten better…way better than i would have ever expected.

i think the problem in our marriage was that we were not married catholic. it was many years into our marriage before i discovered what holy sex was. once i discovered what holy sex was, anything less than that seemed trashy. it was very difficult.

after a couple of frustrating years, i gave up on what i wanted because it seemed to interfere in my otherwise good marriage for me to insist that sex be on the holy side. my husband wasn’t there yet. i had to wait for him to grow spiritually. it has been almost ten years since i surrendered, but thanks be to God, my husband is coming around.

if i were you i would talk to a priest about your relationship. be open and allow your husband to grow spiritually. it may not take ten years for your husband. if i had prayed more devoutly, it may not have taken so long, but i was immature and selfish. try to see your husband from God’s perspective.
 
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