Question for married people

[tamccrackine]

Lessee… where to start? I had gotten kicked out of my folks home when I was a sophmore in college because my father didn’t like the guy I was dating and I refused to make a choice between him or my boyfriend (my father is very controlling so when his children don’t behave/make choices/ do EXACTLY as he says, he freaks- even when they are adults). So I lived with said boyfriend during the summer break between semesters. I broke up with said boyfriend during the following winter break and shortly after, started dating my DH. The summer of our first year together we spent traveling and doing military training (we were both in ROTC). The following summer, I spent half of it finishing my degree. We then moved in together near our respective places of work. Shortly after, we got engaged and were married one month, 11 days after said engagement.

I don’t regret our living together before marriage. I wasn’t a practicing Catholic then and he’s not of any religious denomination (still isn’t). I don’t feel it has done any harm to our marriage and we’ve been married for 8 years.

What I’d have to say I didn’t like in all of this was my parents lack of Catholicity. Had I known living together wasn’t right, I wouldn’t have done it. My mother excuses her not saying anything to “Oh, I knew you were going to get married anyway, so what was the point?” There’s a few other issues underlying this issue, but if children are raised with lukewarm Catholic parents, they won’t realize what is right or wrong.

 

[anna1978]

Aurelia:

My husband comes from “the Old Country” and he expects our kids to stay at home until they marry. I don’t see that happening.

The Old Country meaning Britain? In that case… Well…I have a shock for him then: 65% of young adults aged 18-24 leave home permanently to either go to university or work, and by aged 28 this is well over 80%. Marriage? Why bother…if you can just live with someone Sorry to shatter his illusions…but I think he needs to go back here sometime and see how things have changed since he’s been away

Anna x

 

[gloryb]

Aurelia:

Did you live at home with your parents until you got married, or were you out on your own beforehand?
Are you glad you did (either way)?

I was at home but would have liked to have had a few years on my own. My mother died and then my father was not well so I stayed at home until marrying. I was 30 when I married and your age does make a difference. If you are young you can waste a lot of money renting an apt and could be living a lonely life.

The issue of whether you are sure you will marry is important. If you are engaged and 20 why move out? But if you are 30 and have no prospects why remain home? It depends on age, your prospects for marriage, the health of your parents, and the relationships you have at home.

Gloria

 

[Aurelia]

anna1978:

The Old Country meaning Britain? In that case… Well…I have a shock for him then: 65% of young adults aged 18-24 leave home permanently to either go to university or work, and by aged 28 this is well over 80%. Marriage? Why bother…if you can just live with someone Sorry to shatter his illusions…but I think he needs to go back here sometime and see how things have changed since he’s been away

Anna x

No, not Britain. Italy. Southern Italy. But I’m sure things are different in Italy now, too.(You know you’re Italian if you have three generations living under the same roof, and you’re all adults.)

 

[Stac4Grace]

I actually lived at home while dating my now husband. I move into a house one month before we got married and then he moved in with me. It worked out great because we had everything completed and his stuff there so after the wedding we didn’t have to do anything.

 

[anna1978]

Aurelia:

No, not Britain. Italy. Southern Italy. But I’m sure things are different in Italy now, too.(You know you’re Italian if you have three generations living under the same roof, and you’re all adults.)

Interestingly, Italy was in the news a few months ago as having THE MOST male bachelors still living at home at 30+ and 40+ Apparently, after ‘La Mama’ no woman measures up

Anna x

 

[BLB_Oregon]

WhatMeWorry:

I’m curious…because you were so much older than the traditional age, did you find it difficult to make the transition from singlehood and calling your own shots to being married?

I’ve heard a lot of people say things like “You’re too old to get married, you’re set in your ways.”

Pardon me for jumping in. I married at 27; my husband was 35… enough beyond the norm to have heard that kind of thing.

“Set in your ways” is a decision, as is being willing to change. It really doesn’t have any necessary connection to age, except maybe our willingness to let ourselves get away with such nonsense.

Even if you’re called to the single life that doesn’t give you leave to live as if for yourself alone. Christianity doesn’t work like that. We’re supposed to live at the disposal of others in some real sense. “Being set in your ways” can be a symptom of a serious spiritual fault. Choosing not to marry won’t solve it.

Let us say you hate the color purple, though. Don’t marry unless you find someone for whom you would live in a purple house. Not that you’d learn to like purple, but that you’d be willing to learn to live with it. Maybe you think before you marry that you should agree on the important things. This is a good thing, but it will be something, someday.

To the original question: I lived away from home before marriage and would do it all over again. Until I got away from home, I was the kind who had to be told when something needed doing. I’m not sure I would have mended that, had I stayed at home, because Mom and Dad were generally willing to accept me in the “child” role. Others in our family also moved out before marriage, but for them it was a need to set their own rules and have greater privacy about what they did with their free time. They weren’t doing anything wrong, they just felt they needed that in order to be treated as adults. I have known other people in other families, though, who made the transition to the adult role while living at home. Staying with Mom and Dad before marriage worked great for them.

“IMHO”, you don’t have to live on your own before you marry, but do live as an adult. Know where your money comes from and where it goes, and have financial self-control established within yourself. You should be pitching in with the chores without being asked, choosing your own activities but not being secretive about what those are with your house mates (as a courtesy), and otherwise acting like an adult. If that can’t happen in your parents’ home, for whatever reason, go out and get a roommate and set up housekeeping. Then do it right. A lousy roommate is not going to make an outstanding spouse. You can get your own place–I think some need that time, truthfully–but it can make both chastity and the transition to a shared life a bit harder. Every choice has its trade-offs.

BTW, I wish I had a dime for every time “everyone” with no business to open their mouth has given me well-meaning but unsolicited advice. Discerning whether you have a vocation to marry isn’t something that will be decided by a knee-jerk cliche. Forgive them, they mean well. Still, pick up the pearls, but leave the rest, and don’t feel guilty about it. And if what I’ve posted doesn’t fit you… well, leave that, too. Free advice, it’s worth what you pay for it.