Question for Men re: respect

[mini_me640]

First let me say that I SOOOO don’t want to start a debate about gender roles in marriage. That topic is discussed ad nauseum here on CAF so there is no need to go there again.

Some of you know me from around here, but in short I am in my 30s, with 2 children (3 and 1), and a wonderful husband of over 10 years. I believe in male leadership and female submission IN MARRIAGE ONLY. I have always struggled with this in practice however, as I am very opinionated and like things to go my way. At any rate, while I am not demeaning or shrew-like, I often feel like I don’t make DH feel appreciated & respected as much as I want to. Life just gets so busy that by the time I take care of work and kids and home that I am not nurturing that aspect of my marriage adequately.

So my question to the men is what makes you feel respected? What are things that your wife / significant other does (or could do) to show you that she respects and appreciates you?

Thanks!

 

[shainski]

a couple of things my wife does.

She says “thank you” to me all the time. When i make breakfast for the kids, or do the dishes, or cut the grass.

She says “I’m sorry” when she might have been overwhelmed with something and was short or irritable.

She will send me an email once in a while that just says “I love you”.

and every few months, she will create a card that tells me why she loves me.

And i feel great when i feel appreciated by these nice gestures.

Our children are both of our main responsibility. We don’t always have adequate time for one another - but we both understand that. The kids will often deprive one or both of us of sleep - they don’t allow us to have many deep conversations. We can say more to each other with a wink or a gesture than we use to - just to say “I understand”.

that’s all it takes.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m constantly running into guys who think it’s the woman responsibility to take care of everything and them as well. I’m not sure if this is a generational thing or just my bad luck.

 

[Havard]

I’m constantly running into guys who think it’s the woman responsibility to take care of everything and them as well. I’m not sure if this is a generational thing or just my bad luck.

A little of both. The odds are much better in bigger metropolitan areas, and they do favor younger Catholics.

 

[bmullins]

Being needed. Being trusted. That’s pretty much it for me.

My wife lets me do things for her, even though she can do it herself. If she asks me about something, my natural instinct is to find a solution. If she tells me we are going shopping for potatoes, I’m after potatoes, not all the other stuff… I’m in to get what she needs.

Sometimes we just need to be needed.

 

[mini_me640]

I’m constantly running into guys who think it’s the woman responsibility to take care of everything and them as well. I’m not sure if this is a generational thing or just my bad luck.

That stinks!

I should clarify that my husband is absolutely an equal partner in parenting and housework so it’s not as if he expects me to do it all! I am home more because I currently only work 15-18 hours a week outside the home. But when he’s here, he’s either busy with the kids or working on the house, yard, etc… He has night duty for the older child (who actually wakes up more than the younger one).

 

[Nec5]

So my question to the men is what makes you feel respected? What are things that your wife / significant other does (or could do) to show you that she respects and appreciates you? Thanks!

I’m not married but I can’t resist: “Pick him up a six pack.”

On a more serious note, the mere fact that you’re worried about this means you are probably already doing the right things. Heck, you could even show him this thread.

 

[Havard]

That stinks!

I should clarify that my husband is absolutely an equal partner in parenting and housework so it’s not as if he expects me to do it all! I am home more because I currently only work 15-18 hours a week outside the home. But when he’s here, he’s either busy with the kids or working on the house, yard, etc… He has night duty for the older child (who actually wakes up more than the younger one).

Have you guys discussed and do you know each other’s “love languages”? I.e., words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Not everyone feels appreciated or loved the same way, it’s all personal.

 

[SamH]

I’m not married but I can’t resist: “Pick him up a six pack.”

Agreed.

A small act like that shows him that you thought about him during the day. For no reason give him a backrub or take the extra step of saying “You just take break, I know you had a long day at work”.

 

[chevalier]

I’m not married but in a relationship with a woman I feel respected when she keeps her word, doesn’t call off plans for trivial reasons or unilaterally shorten the time we spend together but will instead suffer some inconvenience for the sake of being with me (e.g. will agree to meet when it wasn’t planned in advance, will continue walking or dancing with me even though slightly tired, will not give me fake or trivial excuses), uses high quality language, shows courtesy through small gestures, for example similar to what gestures of chivalry have still survived among men (whether in relation to men or other men).

Basically, I think if you want to show someone that you respect him, you will find a way and a gesture or expression that’s meant to express respect will generally succeed in expressing it. Incidentally, somewhat in agreement with Nec5, I believe that the fact itself that you were worried about this indicates that you have high respect for your husband. This already means a lot. I do wonder how many people actually care and at the risk of appearing discorteous to some, I also wonder how many women care like you do.

 

[28562]

I like it if I am at work and my wife sends me a random text to say ‘i love you’.

Or, if she makes it a point to go out of her way to show me affection…kissing me back is great, but it is much better when she is the one that initiates the kiss.

The first night that I went to night shift, she left me a note on the counter to see when I got home and told me she had got me a fresh wash rag and towel out and had it sitting in our bedroom for me to get a shower. Now, she leaves it out for me every night. It’s a very little thing, but it is very thoughtful and I know she thinks about me before she goes to bed.

Every now and then, insist on doing something that he normally takes care of.

When we lay in bed to go to sleep, it always makes me feel great if she snuggles up to me and puts her arms around me. Kinda makes me feel more like a man, needed and protective.

Of course, sex…

Don’t answer the phone to listen to your sister or friend’s drama when you are alone with him. If you find out that is the reason they called rather than a just quick question, tell them you’ll call them back later, you are busy right now. Don’t put them before your husband, as I am sure your time is limited with having young kids. Your friends don’t need (or deserve) your attention as much as your husband does.

Plan a date, complete with no kids and surprise him.

Cook his favorite food without him asking for it.

Random back rubs.

 

[chevalier]

For some reason something went wrong with my original reply.

Somewhat in agreement with Nec5, I believe that the fact you conceived the thought very much shows that you respect your husband dearly. At the risk of appearing discourteous to some through the generalisation, I don’t believe that’s a common thing any more.

As a man, though unmarried and thus lacking the most important perspective to you, in a relationship with a woman I feel respected when she keeps her word, doesn’t surprise me with unilateral decisions that affect us both, doesn’t centre her decisions around her own convenience (especially of a whimsical kind), and even more so if she will choose to suffer some inconvenience for the sake of our time or activities together or for my own sake. Many of these are things that would never dawn on a modern woman, while there would be pretty obvious to a more oldschool lady, even if for merely etiquettal reasons. By contrast, few things make me feel more disrespected than having my proposals turned down for no good reason or no specific reason, hearing unconvincing excuses (or no excuses at all when the situation would call for some explanation), being the subject of unilateral decisions that affect the two of us, being phased out of her schedule for trivial reasons, showing that I have a surprisingly low priority on her list (and much lower than she on mine). Much of the foregoing is regardless of the nature of the relationship, e.g. romantic or not.

Also, another good way of showing respect are gestures of courtesy similar to those gestures of chivalry that have still survived among men (whether in relation to women or to other men). Nothing bars a woman from employing some of them or similar ones. Respect in such cases is expressed by going out of your way for someone (being a host or hostess to a guest is probably a good practical example of such a situation), being mindful of the other person. By contrast, refusing to follow established social norms of courtesy is a good way of showing disrespect.

Another way is using quality language. I am not saying that poor spelling, syntax or grammar means disrespect but using proper spelling, syntax and grammar is a good way of showing respect, with good style being a further bonus.

To finish off, I’d like to reiterate that you already showed your respect for your husband in a beautiful way by actually giving a thought to it. Hats off to that.

 

[Saturn5]

First let me say that I SOOOO don’t want to start a debate about gender roles in marriage. That topic is discussed ad nauseum here on CAF so there is no need to go there again.

Some of you know me from around here, but in short I am in my 30s, with 2 children (3 and 1), and a wonderful husband of over 10 years. I believe in male leadership and female submission IN MARRIAGE ONLY. I have always struggled with this in practice however, as I am very opinionated and like things to go my way. At any rate, while I am not demeaning or shrew-like, I often feel like I don’t make DH feel appreciated & respected as much as I want to. Life just gets so busy that by the time I take care of work and kids and home that I am not nurturing that aspect of my marriage adequately.

So my question to the men is what makes you feel respected? What are things that your wife / significant other does (or could do) to show you that she respects and appreciates you?

Thanks!

What a great question for you to ask!! I think someone else mentioned it that just the fact you are asking the question shows your desire and love.

My wife is struggling in our marriage right now and apparently has been for several years. I try to do a number of things mentioned previously. I compliment her everyday, thank her whenever I can for even the most trivial things, pray for her daily, put her on a pedestal basically. I don’t get much from her other than the chores we share around the house. And for that I am thankful (and I tell her too!). What I would LOVE from her is a recognition of “me”. And by that I mean her being able to “see” me and my contributions to the family. I feel like my wife has no clue who I am…well maybe that’s not fair. She may just chose to not acknowledge who I am. I would love to hear the simplest compliment, a caress of her hand on my back, her reach out and give my hand a squeeze for just a moment, some words of encouragement when I’m down (I just lost my job after anticipating it for the last few months).

I don’t want to speak for all men, but I think we’re pretty simple creatures. We just want to hear we’re loved, respected and attractive to our spouses. At least for me that would be wonderful right now.

God bless you for trying to improve your marriage!

 

[mini_me640]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies! You have all given me much to think about. DH and I have always had a really great relationship, but that’s exactly why I sometimes worry about complacency. Sometimes I realize that, although I deeply appreciate all he does and respect him, I take a lot of it for granted at times and I know I don’t express my respect and appreciation enough. I know that verbal expression is good, but I also know that our actions are what really convey our feelings and priorities. So I guess that’s why I’m here, asking you men for advice! Thanks again and keep the ideas coming!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies! You have all given me much to think about. DH and I have always had a really great relationship, but that’s exactly why I sometimes worry about complacency. Sometimes I realize that, although I deeply appreciate all he does and respect him, I take a lot of it for granted at times and I know I don’t express my respect and appreciation enough. I know that verbal expression is good, but I also know that our actions are what really convey our feelings and priorities. So I guess that’s why I’m here, asking you men for advice! Thanks again and keep the ideas coming!

It’s taken me a long time to let go of my preconceived ideas of who I wanted DH to be, to see the man he TRULY is. Yeah, my heritage is from Missouri, I’m like a Missouri mule.

It surprised my husband when I told him I would rather go to work myself than see him miserable in a job he hated. He’s not cut out for certain corporate-type positions - he’s just too big a thinker for really structured companies. I’ve always wanted the security that USED TO COME in such a job, but these days, there is no security no matter what so…

See who your husband really is, and acknowledge that. Let him know that his happiness is important to you, period.

and, have lots of sex.

 

[Petersmate]

I think a wife should always put herself second but of course the husband must always have the intention of doing exactly that, wife first himself second. A passionate christian love for each other and that should just about do it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I believe in male leadership and female submission IN MARRIAGE ONLY. I have always struggled with this in practice however, as I am very opinionated and like things to go my way. At any rate, while I am not demeaning or shrew-like, I often feel like I don’t make DH feel appreciated & respected as much as I want to…

Obviously, I’m a person with plenty of opinions, too!

Sometimes, because you accept the submissive role, it will mean that you and your husband will have a decision to make, you just can’t agree, and you’re going to have to go with what he decides. It does work both ways, sometimes, because sometimes he will make the decision to please you, but sometimes you will give in not to please him, but because someone has to yield.

If you respect the arrangement that the male leads, it is because you, a fully adult human being with the right to self-determination, have freely given him that role. That is your wedding gift to him, so to speak. You’ve voted him president for life. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to care what you think. What it means is that when you give in to him, at that moment the matter becomes “our decision.” If the wheels come off later, then we will live with what we decided because it was our decision. No “I told you so” allowed. You can’t give the gift and then give it back.

I think that shows that when you give consent to his position of leadership, that consent is real. A leader needs that to lead; otherwise, he’s always just trying to figure out which way the parade is going and hoping he’s right, so that he can get in front of it and look like he’s in charge. That’s a hard life, and it doesn’t make a person feel respected.

Giving true consent shows that you respect him in his position of leadership. My husband has said many times that he appreciates this way of handling it when going with his opinion doesn’t turn out so well.

 

[mini_me640]

It’s taken me a long time to let go of my preconceived ideas of who I wanted DH to be, to see the man he TRULY is. Yeah, my heritage is from Missouri, I’m like a Missouri mule.

It surprised my husband when I told him I would rather go to work myself than see him miserable in a job he hated. He’s not cut out for certain corporate-type positions - he’s just too big a thinker for really structured companies. I’ve always wanted the security that USED TO COME in such a job, but these days, there is no security no matter what so…

See who your husband really is, and acknowledge that. Let him know that his happiness is important to you, period.
and, have lots of sex.

Very wise, RJ!

 

[mini_me640]

Obviously, I’m a person with plenty of opinions, too!

Sometimes, because you accept the submissive role, it will mean that you and your husband will have a decision to make, you just can’t agree, and you’re going to have to go with what he decides. It does work both ways, sometimes, because sometimes he will make the decision to please you, but sometimes you will give in not to please him, but because someone has to yield.

If you respect the arrangement that the male leads, it is because you, a fully adult human being with the right to self-determination, have freely given him that role. That is your wedding gift to him, so to speak. You’ve voted him president for life. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to care what you think. What it means is that when you give in to him, at that moment the matter becomes “our decision.” If the wheels come off later, then we will live with what we decided because it was our decision. No “I told you so” allowed. You can’t give the gift and then give it back.

I think that shows that when you give consent to his position of leadership, that consent is real. A leader needs that to lead; otherwise, he’s always just trying to figure out which way the parade is going and hoping he’s right, so that he can get in front of it and look like he’s in charge. That’s a hard life, and it doesn’t make a person feel respected.

Giving true consent shows that you respect him in his position of leadership. My husband has said many times that he appreciates this way of handling it when going with his opinion doesn’t turn out so well.

This is very sound advice. I’m not a big “I told you so” person, but sometimes with little things, after the fact, I do catch myself saying “Well that’s why I wanted to do this instead of that…” It’s defintely something I’ll watch myself with going forward!

 

[Petersmate]

It’s taken me a long time to let go of my preconceived ideas of who I wanted DH to be, to see the man he TRULY is. Yeah, my heritage is from Missouri, I’m like a Missouri mule.

It surprised my husband when I told him I would rather go to work myself than see him miserable in a job he hated. He’s not cut out for certain corporate-type positions - he’s just too big a thinker for really structured companies. I’ve always wanted the security that USED TO COME in such a job, but these days, there is no security no matter what so…

See who your husband really is, and acknowledge that. Let him know that his happiness is important to you, period.

and, have lots of sex.

always read the small print its not everything but its very important.