Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

[Xantippe]

Irks me too but I put it down to a cultural difference, like the frequency of medical tests they seem to have in the US…

Cannot here in ireland imagine asking for therapy; would be given meds is all and not going down that road. NB I am a “public patient” so many things are delayed or not available…

Well, what would you suggest if a person seems to have obsessive negative beliefs?

I don’t see the benefit in saying, “Yep, you’re going to die alone. Why don’t you buy some cats and learn to knit?”

9gag.com/gag/1456416/the-crazy-cat-lady-starter-kit-is-here

 

[KennethK]

Would you leave your wife if she lost her looks (whether by disaster such as fire,very bad aging changes,obesity or any other cause) and you were not longer attracted to her?

As a side note-what do men look for in a woman apart from the obvious of honesty,faithfulness & moral?
I don’t know how applicable this is to the real world though because single Christian men that are “deep” and arnt married or too old are pretty much non existing anymore I think…

You’re talking about me. I am 48 and not married yet. Is marriage just for the wicked? Is it my fault that most Catholic women, even those who attend Mass, have strayed far from the Faith and are Catholic in name only? That is what made what should have been a relatively short search for a Faith-filled spouse a long, painful, and lonely road for me.

 

[Corki]

And op, do you really think any guy on CAF is going to answer this question with a yes?

Sadly a few years ago, many men on CAF said they would give their overweight wives an ultimatum of “lose weight or else”. So, I would not be at all surprised in there were men who said “yes” to the OP’s question.

It really drives home what our holy Father has said about so many Catholics who don’t understand marriage at all.

 

[Stephen_says]

Would you leave your wife if she lost her looks (whether by disaster such as fire,very bad aging changes,obesity or any other cause) and you were not longer attracted to her?

As a side note-what do men look for in a woman apart from the obvious of honesty,faithfulness & moral?
I don’t know how applicable this is to the real world though because single Christian men that are “deep” and arnt married or too old are pretty much non existing anymore I think…

Hi! I don’t know why you asked this question, it seems very sad that you think men would do this. As a single, 30 year old man, I hope I would be loyal to my marriage vows (if I ever get married). The way I see it, most relationships have struggles. It would be a much harder decision if, say, love faded. What if my future wife loses her looks, but I still love her sense of humor and her adventurism and her strength and her kindness? What if she stayed beautiful, but we couldn’t communicate or laugh like we used to? Which one of those options would be harder to live with? Looks aren’t everything. What I look for mostly is just someone I can easily talk too, and someone who thinks I’m funny, because those things (conversing and joking) don’t come easy for me, so when I find someone who I feel comfortable and effortless around, that’s a big deal!

 

[tee_eff_em]

Would you leave your wife if she lost her looks (whether by disaster such as fire,very bad aging changes,obesity or any other cause) and you were not longer attracted to her?

Are there men so shallow they would do this? Most certainly. :sad_yes:

Are there women so shallow they would leave a husband who – say – lost his money (whether by disaster, bad stewardship, or any other cause) and she was no longer attracted to him? Most certainly. :sad_yes:

:twocents:
tee

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Would you leave your wife if she lost her looks (whether by disaster such as fire,very bad aging changes,obesity or any other cause) and you were not longer attracted to her?

As a side note-what do men look for in a woman apart from the obvious of honesty,faithfulness & moral?
I don’t know how applicable this is to the real world though because single Christian men that are “deep” and arnt married or too old are pretty much non existing anymore I think…

I’m concerned that you think this is a viable question. You may not understand marriage or perhaps human aging well.

 

[mommy_k]

I think maybe because its anonymous they may feel comfortable to answer honestly.

No,i personally wouldn’t but that’s just me.

I have been on this forum for awhile and can tell u most guys here don’t have an ego disorder or are suffering from this level of pride.

I am guessing from your posts that you are very young. The reason therapy is suggested is because all of your threads have an unhealthy focus on looks and apoearance, and it seems that your self esteem in this area needs tweaking.

I mean this in the kindest sincerest way. You will not be happy until you come to terms with all of the gifts you have been given, and realize that you do not need others to validate you appearance wise. This comes from within.

 

[Lea101]

I don’t think a Catholic man would say yes. They can’t even leave their wives for other reasons besides abuse.

I’m a girl, so my opinion is just my opinion. I don’t think a man would leave but assuming that he is good looking, there might be a sense of resentment that the wife has ‘let herself go’. Then cue the subtle “honey, let’s take a walk together/let’s join the gym/you look beautiful with this lipstick”

If you are talking about aging in general, it’s not really a fair question. When you are 14, you might have a crush on someone a similar age. When you are 20, you might be obsessed with a 30 year old actor. We get attracted to older people when we get older. So when a guy’s wife is older, he is not really going to register the fact that she has wrinkles and all, there’s a good chance that he is still attracted to her, instead of the 20 year old VS model.

So I’m no man, but I don’t think they will leave. At most, they will get bitter and cheat/wish they could cheat. Guys always whine about how they are visual creatures when a girl’s shoulder is seen, I refuse to buy the idea that they will still look at their wife and still be as attracted to her as he was on their wedding day if she was obese, her face was maimed because someone threw acid as her, etc.

While there is no physical attraction, there might still be emotional attraction and love will be present.

 

[1ke]

Is therapy Americans answer to everything?]

It really is the answer when someone has deep-seated issues with their own looks, the cultural expectations around looks, and their parents on the subject of looks. It really is the answer when someone is so stressed about this that they post multiple threads over an extended period time about the subject. It is really the answer when someone needs to work through an issue that is has this much impact on their life.

It just a question

Ah, but it’s not just a question. It’s a serious issue that plagues you, cripples your image of yourself, your worthiness in love and marriage, and your future happiness.

.If you feel you have nothing to value to offer you don’t have to answer it.

Suggesting that you seek objective, professional help IS of value. I hope you will heed the suggestion.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I can tell you that a relationship should not be that superficial, where it is just based on looks alone.

When you get married, you should take it very seriously, with your wedding vows in mind.

I have been married for 33 years. Neither my husband nor myself look like we did when we got married.

For both of us too, health issues have caused mobility issues for us.

However, our love has deepened over the years, and we support each other through whatever life has brought our way.

I still think that he’s just as handsome as when I still first met him and married him, and he tells me that he still considers me attractive.

What I think is most important is how you get through life together. It has nothing to do with looks, when it comes down to it.

 

[mommy_k]

Sadly a few years ago, many men on CAF said they would give their overweight wives an ultimatum of “lose weight or else”. So, I would not be at all surprised in there were men who said “yes” to the OP’s question.

It really drives home what our holy Father has said about so many Catholics who don’t understand marriage at all.

Very sad…I must have missed this…

But most married men I know love thier wives for all of thier qualities and virtues, and the wives love thier husbands this way too.

Those who don’t need serious help, and The Holy Father is correct.

 

[Crusaderbear]

If you truly believe in matrimony, dumping your spouse for getting old (or physically ugly as you say…) would be like cutting off your foot because of toenail fungus! If you are so shallow (not implying anything here) that only looks matter, then you have missed the whole point of marriage, and the sacrament of matrimony.

You and your spouse are one being!

For better or worse, sickness and health…

 

[redbetta]

Irks me too but I put it down to a cultural difference, like the frequency of medical tests they seem to have in the US…

Cannot here in ireland imagine asking for therapy; would be given meds is all and not going down that road. NB I am a “public patient” so many things are delayed or not available…

Really, Americans seem to have more medical tests done? Maybe I haven’t noticed because I’m in the age range where people aren’t screening for a variety of cancers. But, it seems to me that, when you go to a friend for advice, they throw out the counselor option as a way of getting rid of a hot potato or just shutting down a conversation that makes it a tad bit uncomfortable for them. Now, I’m not saying that counselors aren’t needed, but, they should not take the place that a good, trustworthy friend can easily fill to no cost. Friendship is not valued that much in general nowadays, or, at least it seems to me and people I know.

 

[pianistclare]

How is suggesting therapy to someone who has a particular issue any different than suggesting confession to someone with a sinful problem? They are both there to help one sort things out and change.

 

[AClaire11]

Just wanted to point out that in many other countries, therapy is seen as something only for the “seriously crazy.” So that may be a reason for someone to be very affronted by the suggestion.

 

[pianistclare]

Just wanted to point out that in many other countries, therapy is seen as something only for the “seriously crazy.” So that may be a reason for someone to be very affronted by the suggestion.

Yes. But American do put an emphasis on mental and physical health.
There is far less cultural pressure to not “embarrass” the family.
There’s nothing shameful about asking for help. What I do find disturbing, is the ability to ask total strangers, and then get mad when they answer honestly.
Sometimes your peer group can’t answer the question satisfactorily, or with a good outcome. That’s when you see a doctor or a priest.
Confidentiality.
It’s a good thing.

 

[E_7]

Wow, OP, I hope you don’t leave CAF because of other posters here. There is no need to question the OP on why they are asking, as if it were forbidden to make up a thread and ask. Do you have to have a serious reason to post? No. And like many teachers repeat" there is no stupid questions, but only stupid people that don’t ask." This is a Catholic forum community, not CARM. Why nail the OP against a cross?

 

[Xantippe]

Yes. But American do put an emphasis on mental and physical health.
There is far less cultural pressure to not “embarrass” the family.
There’s nothing shameful about asking for help. What I do find disturbing, is the ability to ask total strangers, and then get mad when they answer honestly.
Sometimes your peer group can’t answer the question satisfactorily, or with a good outcome. That’s when you see a doctor or a priest.
Confidentiality.
It’s a good thing.

Right.

Plus, your good friend is coming from the same context you are and has the same level of life experience that you do, so it may be the blind leading the blind. Hence, there’s a lot of value in seeking out advice from somebody with more life experience and more training and a professional obligation to provide confidentiality–a priest, doctor or therapist.

If a friend suggests a therapist, it may not be just getting rid of a hot potato, but them honestly dealing with the fact that they have done all that they can do, and it’s time for a higher level of help.

It does no good to mull over the exact same problem a dozen times with the same person–it doesn’t move you forward, and it exhausts and annoys friends.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Hey, I’ve been declared sane…TWICE!

Thinking this OP question over, it is a valid “what if” in this day and age of fat shaming, looks shaming, and generally trying to control everyone elses lives. I have been married 35 years, I have NEVER regretted it. Even the priest who married us let us skip the pre-marriage classes (I was in the Navy and deploying in a month…) If you marry for the right reasons, the question asked never comes up.

for those just starting out, yes, there is worry and “what if’s” out the whazoo. WORK THEM OUT. It really isn’t that hard! We have worked through 9 months apart during the first gulf war, Skin cancer, ovarian cancer, diabetes, even never being able to conceive. And we are still together, still happy.

And to be totally honest, this included about 25 years hiatus from going to church (we didn’t stop believing, just stopped attending…) So there really is no ‘magic bullet’. We attend now because we finally realized we missed the socialization and being close with God through the mass.

Sorry I originally took your original post to be a little on the vapid side, that was my bad, and I apologize.

 

[E_7]

Would you leave your wife if she lost her looks (whether by disaster such as fire,very bad aging changes,obesity or any other cause) and you were not longer attracted to her?

As a side note-what do men look for in a woman apart from the obvious of honesty,faithfulness & moral?
I don’t know how applicable this is to the real world though because single Christian men that are “deep” and arnt married or too old are pretty much non existing anymore I think…

HI Elena. I wouldn’t leave my spouse even if he gets ugly in the eyes of others. It’s true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and the more you are with someone, you will see past those flaws and look at the person as they are inside and find them beautiful. I have lived one case where I admired how beautiful this woman looked and started to wonder what does she do to look like that, but as soon as she opened her mouth cursing and swearing, I went ugh ugly.

But let’s say hubby gets ugly outside and inside, I won’t leave him. Why? Because I made a commitment and I’m gonna cling to him and help him on his way on becoming a saint.

Now, I’m not sure it would be the same if you are single and are just looking at dating and you find yourself ugly. I think in that case I would work on my self esteem and confidence before dealing with other people romantically.