Question for men

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Both of my sisters in law had a child before they married my brothers, and its turned out fine. This can be satisfactory
 
The odds are that yes, it’s probably true for most men. They might grow to love them, but not like their own children in most cases.
 
not really. a biological father that isn’t involved in his child’s life only passes genetic material. if another man comes along and raises that child–that’s their FATHER
 
Witkey said:
Do you feel this is true?
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No one has any business trying to determine another person’s feelings - especially a hypothetical person, in this case. “Someone” is wrong and needs to butt out.
 
Yes, this ‘someone’ wasn’t very considerate. The comments he made really hurt her.
 
Neither you, nor the OP, nor the child’s mother, nor any member of society has the right to tell these children who their “FATHER” is. This is the man that has been living with them and providing at least some of their care for their entire life. Women can’t put out one man and interchange him with another man and demand the children accept him as their “real father” because the natural father isn’t around as much. If the father in the OPs case shows up for little more than birthdays and Christmas, he is still their real father. A person should never get into the business of step-parenting with the ill-conceived notion that they are going to do it better than the birth parents and so the will be the kids’ “real parent”. The kids will resent it and the step-parent will become disappointed and maybe even bitter over it. Just try to be the best step-parent possible.
 
Witkey said:
Do you feel this is true?
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I am unmarried, but I dated a women once that I may have married-had things not gone tragically wrong. This woman had a first born that, were I with her, I would love as my own, because it was hers. A man who puts his spouse first will make her priorities, including her children, his own priorities. It is not impossible, but does require a true commitment.
Irishmom2 said:
Not sure why you are only interested in hearing from men,
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Because men have a different perspective and experience on the matter than women. It is a difference of hearing: “Yes, I can!”, versus: “Of course he could…”
 
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Yes, but there are women that may be able to tell their own personal story. I would think it would be better to not care whether it’s a man or a woman responding.
 
I think the real issue is finding a good male role model, one who can love them as a father would. Regardless, their biological father will be there and love them in his own way. I think she is looking for someone who can mentor them and direct them to Jesus, by example, as she has/is trying to do. That can’t happen without love, in my opinion. Who has ever been won to Christ without it?

13 Corinthians 1. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
 
I think it really depends on the man. I have known men who weren’t the best step fathers and did play favorites once they had their own biological children, but I have also known men that that easily loved a child that wasn’t his as though it was. I would say that there should be plenty of interaction with her, the man she chooses to date, and her children all together such as a family game night or movie night. It will be a good opportunity for her to not only see how her children may react and treat him, but how he acts and treats them as well.
 
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Witkey said:
In the process, however, someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
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No. It’s not true. Or at least it doesn’t have to be.

My step-father married my widowed mother and took all four of us on as his own. To this day, I refer to him as my dad.
 
I have to add a little vent session here. I find that mentality of children only being “worthy” of parental love if they come from my own ovaries - or a man’s own sperm - infuriatingly narcissistic. We’re dealing with small, dependent humans created in the image and likeness of God and 100% entitled to a loving upbringing. That someone would even discriminate against any one of them for lack of a mere genetic connection is unthinkably selfish. We’re Catholics and pro-life, for heaven’s sake!

Yep, I’m judging, God forgive me. 😳

Off my soapbox . . .
 
Witkey said:
In the process, however, someone said to her that the next man will never be able to love her children like his own. Do you feel this is true?
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It depends on the guy. Obviously, a transient boyfriend or masher wouldn’t care much.
 
My first though is if she wants to become Catholic and teach her children the faith, she should follow God’s will even if that means remaining single forever. As much as this person telling her ‘No man will love your children as his own’ was inappropriate, I don’t think finding a different father is a priority right now. I think the mom should take some time and regroup to heal and figure out how to move on with life before adding a man to the equation.

With that said and done, it is not unreasonable to think that a lot of men would NOT love her kids as their own and you can not blame a man for that. I remember in the 70s no man would look at a woman with kids. That changed in the 90s and personally I have always wonder if that is because the pool of single woman without kids dropped and men had to loosen their criteria.

As much as it would be a good thing for a man to love step kids as his own, there will be a lot of challenges. On mother’s day his wife gets the card. On Father’s day he gets one of the 2 cards. These kids are always talking about their ‘other dad’. These kids personalities have form from the influence of another man and he is put into a situation where behaviours he might not agree with have been established

Also, no one can imagine what it is like to have a biological child until they have one. Thus, it doesn’t matter what a man thinks, it is not until he has a kid of his own does he see if he can love them equally. IMO that is a big risk
 
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