Question for women-how do i deal with this situation?

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Elena321

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In my culture background women (and men) are constently complimenting other women based off their looks.
Ie:using (my language equivalent) words like “pretty”,"beautiful’,“most beautiful” etc…
This is affecting me because I used to be really pretty when i was younger however now my face has changed dramatically and i am no longer attractive.
To make matters worse,90% + women of my background are either very attractive or beautiful.

Even my parents make these comments too,stating comments (in their language) like “we look the best out of the friends our age” and “xyz has aged sooo much” etc.

I just feel this sends women a message that your value and worth and even “lovability” is based off being attractive and if your not then you become ‘invisible’.
It creates so much pressure to try to look attractive and what happens when you lose those looks-you then feel invisible,don’t get complimented or noticed,feel you don’t measure up and loath yourself.

Now that we live in the “facebook era” too it just makes it even more in my face,however,even without social media i’m still exposed to this in real life.

Can anyone suggest how i can deal with this?

Everything in life for women is about looks,no man (except maybe a very special rare one) wants to marry an “ugly bride” for example.
They say even babies respond more to beautiful women.

To me it seems even Catholic/Christianity is not spared from this"beauty obsession",eg:Christian men also only want an attractive bride,Mother Mary is depicted as physically beautiful in pictures and statues,bible stories tell of women that are beautiful (eg:Esther) etc…

I accept that most Christians do not think that external beauty “trumps” internal however its believed that a woman who has both is the ideal (like women of the bible).

What though if all you have is internal beauty…

Why does it have to be this constant talk about beauty:mad:

Sorry for the long message…
 
I don’t know to what extent you can seek out people less focused on appearance, but be assured that outward beauty is in no way considered a Christian value. We are all made in the image of God.

First Peter explicitly denies thst outward beauty is something to attain to: 1 Peter 3 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.(ESV)

Beauty fades. Riches are perishable. The only incorruptible, true beauty is that of a spirit walking closely with God and daily seeking His face. There is nothing wrong with looking as nice as you can–taking care of yourself, wearing becoming clothes–but there is no eternal value to it. We all die and return to dust, but the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes).
 
Everyone may notice a pretty face, you can’t help it. But I don’t think only pretty girls have boyfriends or marry. That just isn’t true.

Stay off FaceBook, it can really hurt people and it isn’t necessary. Communicate with friends through words, not through pics. FaceBook has made people lazy and has cheapened the meaning of true friendship.

As for family members saying things, just don’t respond. Or change the subject. Or, if you have to, tell them that they are hurting your feelings if they are saying something about you personally.
 
It’s what we look like to the Lord that matters.

I remember being at a meeting, and I overheard two women behind me talking. One asked the other “What was the message of the Lord to you on your retreat?”

Her friend responded: “Jesus said say yes to wrinkles, and yes to gray hair.”
 
Elena321 said:
In my culture background women (and men) are constently complimenting other women based off their looks.
Ie:using (my language equivalent) words like “pretty”,"beautiful’,“most beautiful” etc…
This is affecting me because I used to be really pretty when i was younger however now my face has changed dramatically and i am no longer attractive.
To make matters worse,90% + women of my background are either very attractive or beautiful.

Even my parents make these comments too,stating comments (in their language) like “we look the best out of the friends our age” and “xyz has aged sooo much” etc.

I just feel this sends women a message that your value and worth and even “lovability” is based off being attractive and if your not then you become ‘invisible’.
It creates so much pressure to try to look attractive and what happens when you lose those looks-you then feel invisible,don’t get complimented or noticed,feel you don’t measure up and loath yourself.

Now that we live in the “facebook era” too it just makes it even more in my face,however,even without social media i’m still exposed to this in real life.

Can anyone suggest how i can deal with this?

Everything in life for women is about looks,no man (except maybe a very special rare one) wants to marry an “ugly bride” for example.
They say even babies respond more to beautiful women.

To me it seems even Catholic/Christianity is not spared from this"beauty obsession",eg:Christian men also only want an attractive bride,Mother Mary is depicted as physically beautiful in pictures and statues,bible stories tell of women that are beautiful (eg:Esther) etc…

I accept that most Christians do not think that external beauty “trumps” internal however its believed that a woman who has both is the ideal (like women of the bible).

What though if all you have is internal beauty…

Why does it have to be this constant talk about beauty:mad:

Sorry for the long message…
Click to expand...
Are you Russian? Russian women have a reputation for being beautiful. Beauty is like a faithless friend. Sooner or later it will leave you.

To me all women are beautiful but I am woman myself so my opinion does not count. I am sure though that there are people out there who will consider you beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.

Define yourself as a child of God first.
 
You can start adding compliments about people’s character to the physical ones other people give.

Other person: Suzie is so pretty!
You: And she’s always so happy to help!

Other person: Zoe has such pretty eyes!
You: And she’s so good at making new people feel welcomed!
 
This is going to sound as if I’m going against the more spiritual approach but I don’t intend it that way. I think all the spiritual advice given is valid. However, I also would like to suggest that maybe sometimes we get in a rut, start thinking of ourselves as dowdy or over the hill, and maybe what we need is to shake things up a bit. I’ve been known, when stressed and depressed, to “let myself go” as some would say, and go through some weeks or even months of looking at my face in the mirror, seeing a blah face, blah hair, blah clothes, going “Blah!” and then letting that be an end of it.

Then there’ll come a time when either I decide to make myself “snap out of it” because I’m SO tired of the “blah” approach - or else I’ll have something happen that makes me feel more joy in life and I’ll want to reflect that more in my appearance. So I’ll start playing with my hair, makeup, clothes a little bit. It doesn’t even necessarily require any immediate outlay of money - just a different attitude. The only thing that might for me is hair color since I went grey rapidly over the last few years and I’m not ready for that to be my permanent look for probably another 20 years! :bigyikes:

So I guess I’m saying, discover some easy and fun ways to tweak your appearance that you enjoy doing, and don’t compare yourself to others because that will take the fun back out of it. I think you’ll find that you don’t feel so “less than” after trying this for awhile.
 
You can’t change other people, you can only change how you respond to them.

So I would begin by watching my own words - as Xantippe said, start paying compliments to people (and about people) by noting beautiful things about them other than looks - “she is such a generous person,” “she has so much energy!” “what a great mother she is.”

Along with this, I think maybe the LORD is calling you to look to Him to find your value. Eucharistic Adoration, that would be a wonderful place to start. I sometimes stand under the crucifix in our chapel and just gaze at Him on the cross, or kneel before the Blessed Sacrament and I am simply in His presence and can feel His gaze on me. There is no condemnation, no criticism. His wounds and scars are beautiful; I am His creation and His beloved.
 
God made you. He gave us life. You have a body and a soul. You have value. Don’t ever feel inferior. It has always pleased me to turn any negative into a positive. I suffered a tragic loss. In just a month, I had face wrinkles. Almost chose to stay indoors and not go out. The first time I went out, self-conscious as I was, no one noticed. Everyone I met looked at me as though I was the most beautiful person in the world. I learned we don’t have to be perfect. I can still be productive. Let no one steal your joy, especially those you are most closest to. God has given you the grace to overcome feelings of inadequacy.
 
“ The more legal and material hindrances women have broken through, the more strictly and heavily and cruelly images of female beauty have come to weigh upon us… [D]uring the past decade, women breached the power structure; meanwhile, eating disorders rose exponentially and cosmetic surgery became the fastest-growing specialty… Pornography became the main media category, ahead of legitimate films and records combined, and thirty-three thousand American women told researchers that they would rather lose ten to fifteen pounds than achieve any other goal…More women have more money and power and scope and legal recognition than we have ever had before; but in terms of how we feel about ourselves physically, we may actually be worse off than our ‘un-liberated’ grandmothers."

This quote comes from “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolfe. I read this some years back and found it very enlightening. This was written in 1991, so obviously the topic of aesthetics in women has been a focal point in our culture for a long time.
You must be comfortable in your own skin and embrace who you are as a real person. You are a child of God and he made you in his image. Therefore, you ARE beautiful and your body is sacred. Once I truly accepted this fact; I paid little attention to words spoken by others. (Which are just words…nothing more)
God Bless You,
 
You asked how to deal with the situation when you find yourself less than what you were.

You assess yourself. Anyone can be well groomed. Get your hair done. Let the beautician work her magic. Get your make-up done. Get a pedicure and a manicure or do those yourself every week.

Google Tim Gunn (think that is his name from PROJECT RUNNWAY). He gives a whole list of things women should not wear and what they should wear. Even those models wear a Spanx.

Some of the shows on TV are very interesting where the women are totally taken out of their weird outfits and made-over. Can’t believe it is the same person. And they’ve wasted so much time being dowdy.

When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you look happy and people like to be around happy people. And it is fun. There is an art to it and it takes time but it is fun to learn something new. For instance: as you age, you lose color. I can’t wear black next to my face. Very draining same with brown. Don’t fear color. 👍
 
This brings to mind something I read years ago. Awhile back there was a publication asking subscribers to nominate someone who they considered the most beautiful woman they know. They were taken aback when among all the pictures sent in of beautiful women, they also received in the mail a picture of an old woman who was grinning broadly, revealing that she was missing some teeth. Along with the picture they found a note from a young boy, written with the help of his mother. He explained that he wanted to nominate his grandmother, as she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

There is no denying that physical beauty is appealing to admire. However, there is a spiritual dimension to beauty as well. Case in point: Have you ever seen a physically attractive person and discovered that they have done something horrible and repulsive to you or to another person? I worked with such a woman. She destroyed so many reputations through malicious gossiping. Although, yes, she was physically attractive, it just seemed to color her “ugly”.

On the other hand, I look at Mother Teresa. She had no outward beauty to speak of; however, for me personally, I saw a real beauty shine through her that made her attractive despite her age. I’m not just saying this. I’m sure there are others that have noticed this in people who are full of love toward their neighbor.
 
I think everyone looks beautiful when they are genuinely kind and smile when they greet people. I used to work part time in a department store where nearly every department was decorated with mannequins that were supposed to look like fashion models. They were all really ugly though. Their facial features made them look snooty, angry, and generally unattractive, even though they were fully made up and their hair was perfect and they were all so skinny that we had to pin the size six clothing on them. When I try to think of attractive people I know, I am always drawn to people who are secure, gentle, warm, and friendly in how they represent themselves.
 
Allegra said:
I think everyone looks beautiful when they are genuinely kind and smile when they greet people. I used to work part time in a department store where nearly every department was decorated with mannequins that were supposed to look like fashion models. They were all really ugly though. Their facial features made them look snooty, angry, and generally unattractive, even though they were fully made up and their hair was perfect and they were all so skinny that we had to pin the size six clothing on them. When I try to think of attractive people I know, I am always drawn to people who are secure, gentle, warm, and friendly in how they represent themselves.
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Yes.
 
I am often surprised upon seeing people who I might consider unattractive yet they have a spouse, partner, BF/GF. And very often they seem very happy, and much happier than some couples who are considered more typically attractive. I can’t say in any given case whether these people have different preferences for physical attractiveness, or whether physical attractiveness is just not that important to them; it doesn’t really matter anyway.

You seem to lack self confidence, and it can be a difficult thing to conjure up or learn. But you should be encouraged by the fact that “ugly” people get married all the time. It is highly likely that you will meet people who find you physically attractive, or meet people who are not very focussed on the physical at all. You need to make sure that your lack of confindence does not inhibit you from making a connection with such people.

aicirt raised some good points in their post. Make sure you are well groomed and dressed to suit your body-type. Perhaps ask a hair-dresser about haircuts and styles that suit the shape of your face. Perhaps a stylist or just some honest friends can help you determine the best clothes for your body-type. If you are well groomed and well dressed, you will have more self confidence. But if you come across as dowdy, you will turn away anyone who might have found you attractive if you were simply better presented.

And Allegra raised good points about smiling and being warm. A smile makes just about everyone instantly more attractive.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Everyone may notice a pretty face, you can’t help it. But I don’t think only pretty girls have boyfriends or marry. That just isn’t true.

Stay off FaceBook, it can really hurt people and it isn’t necessary. Communicate with friends through words, not through pics. FaceBook has made people lazy and has cheapened the meaning of true friendship.

As for family members saying things, just don’t respond. Or change the subject. Or, if you have to, tell them that they are hurting your feelings if they are saying something about you personally.
Click to expand...
I dont mean just non pretty-i mean ‘really ugly’.
Ok,maybe even “highly ugly” women get married but then their husbands are always checking out pretty girls and if that was my situation i would feel so hurt,worthless,inadequate etc and i would rather be single for ever that live in a situation like that.

My parents don’t usually say anything directly to my face,but i don’t know if they say anything behind my back.
They can be “toofaced” so they might be saying behind my back that i now look old etc…

I might tell them that it hurts my feelings,because even if they say something about someone else and not me (to my face) it still reflects on to me/affects me and makes me more ‘looks obsessed’ to try to get valued.
 
Sarcelle said:
Are you Russian? Russian women have a reputation for being beautiful. Beauty is like a faithless friend. Sooner or later it will leave you.

To me all women are beautiful but I am woman myself so my opinion does not count. I am sure though that there are people out there who will consider you beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all.

Define yourself as a child of God first.
Click to expand...
Not Russian but reasonably similar (Slavic).
 
Xantippe said:
You can start adding compliments about people’s character to the physical ones other people give.

Other person: Suzie is so pretty!
You: And she’s always so happy to help!

Other person: Zoe has such pretty eyes!
You: And she’s so good at making new people feel welcomed!
Click to expand...
Thanks.Thats such a great idea!
 
Some might be more sensitive than me, but I think it really, really takes a lot for a person to be unpleasant to look at. There are varying degrees of attractive people and then there are “plain” people.

I’m going to attempt to use math to comfort you. There are roughly as many homely women in the world as homely men. Being homely won’t keep you from marriage, love & children, and it even forces you to focus more on the enduring aspects of a healthy marriage. What are stray comments by acquaintances compared to that?

Know who goes through the most divorces? Tall, dark men and Barbie-doll women.
 
Elena321 said:
I dont mean just non pretty-i mean ‘really ugly’.
Ok,maybe even “highly ugly” women get married but then their husbands are always checking out pretty girls and if that was my situation i would feel so hurt,worthless,inadequate etc and i would rather be single for ever that live in a situation like that.

My parents don’t usually say anything directly to my face,but i don’t know if they say anything behind my back.
Click to expand...
It sounds like you are reading a lot into things that are not necessarily even true. Not all men are checking out pretty girls. You are also accusing your parents of maybe talking behind your back.

Sounds like this may be all in your mind. I would suggest you get some counseling to raise your self esteem. I am not even believing that you are “really ugly” either…
 
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