Question on Civil Marriage

[clv2001]

Hello all!

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and anticipate going down the road towards marriage sometime in the next three.

The big problem: I am a practicing catholic, he is not. Due to a lot of personal issues with the Catholic church, he has not been to church in 20 years (although he is baptised and confirmed). Additionally, my mother is not catholic, nor are most of my friends, so a full catholic wedding would be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

For these reasons, I’d like to do as my parents did and have a civil ceremony that is later blessed by the church (by later, I mean almost immediately).

What are the challenges and complications here? Being my parents are not active in the church, I and not 100% certain on how to even broach the topic with a priest without being kicked out of the church entirely.

Any thoughts or ideas from those who have been in a similar situation would be mist helpful. Please be gentle as I don’t have a lot of background in the faith and attending mass as often as I can only teaches so much…

Chris
Philadelphia, PA

 

[Brooklyn]

Hello all!

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and anticipate going down the road towards marriage sometime in the next three.

The big problem: I am a practicing catholic, he is not. Due to a lot of personal issues with the Catholic church, he has not been to church in 20 years (although he is baptised and confirmed). Additionally, my mother is not catholic, nor are most of my friends, so a full catholic wedding would be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

For these reasons, I’d like to do as my parents did and have a civil ceremony that is later blessed by the church (by later, I mean almost immediately).

What are the challenges and complications here? Being my parents are not active in the church, I and not 100% certain on how to even broach the topic with a priest without being kicked out of the church entirely.

Any thoughts or ideas from those who have been in a similar situation would be mist helpful. Please be gentle as I don’t have a lot of background in the faith and attending mass as often as I can only teaches so much…

Chris
Philadelphia, PA

It is my understanding that since you are both baptized Catholics, you will be committing a mortal sin if you knowingly get married outside of the Church, and the Church will not recognize your marriage. You won’t be kicked out of the Church - you aren’t a heretic! - but you will not be in a state of grace and will not be able to receive the sacraments until you confess and repent of this sin, and have your marraige convalidated if you do marry outside of the church.

Marriage is a solemn sacrament, and one that you want your Savior to be a party to. Please talk to your local priest and see what you can do to convince your boyfriend to be married in the Church. The Church will not recognize your marriage any other way. And it isn’t because they want to be mean to you, but it is the only way God will recognize it.

I will definitely put you in my prayers. That is a hard decision you have to make. Do you want to marry a man who will take you away from Christ and his Church? Please go to our Lady in prayer and ask for her guidance. This is a huge step you are making. Please think and pray deeply about it, and keep coming back for encouragement.

Yours in Christ,

Mary

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Hello all!

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and anticipate going down the road towards marriage sometime in the next three.

The big problem: I am a practicing catholic, he is not. Due to a lot of personal issues with the Catholic church, he has not been to church in 20 years (although he is baptised and confirmed). Additionally, my mother is not catholic, nor are most of my friends, so a full catholic wedding would be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

For these reasons, I’d like to do as my parents did and have a civil ceremony that is later blessed by the church (by later, I mean almost immediately).

What are the challenges and complications here? Being my parents are not active in the church, I and not 100% certain on how to even broach the topic with a priest without being kicked out of the church entirely.

Any thoughts or ideas from those who have been in a similar situation would be mist helpful. Please be gentle as I don’t have a lot of background in the faith and attending mass as often as I can only teaches so much…

Chris
Philadelphia, PA

You may be trying to convince yourself that you are a practicing Catholic, but in reality you are not practicing the Catholic faith. If you are as you say living with your boyfriend outside of Marriage. This situation is gravely immoral. Planning and entering into an invalid Marriage, knowingly is also an offense against the Sacrament of Marriage. I suggest that you move out and get yourself spiritually straightened out first.

 

[clv2001]

We are not living together, and I apologise if my language has been confusing. By being together, I meant in a relationship.

He does not want me to be away from the church, he simply does not consider himself catholic anymore and doesn’t feel he should be forced into a large mass in front of many people who would be uncomfortable.

We are not yet planning on marriage, but I know that it is a conversation that is coming and I want to find a way to make sure I can meet his needs while meeting mine and having one that is aceptable to the catholic faith.

Please don’t call me a heretic and jump to conclusions–ask for further detail instead of assuming the worst.

 

[Brooklyn]

I believe you when you say you want to do what is right. But being Catholic, you know there is only one way to make your marriage right. If you get married outside the Catholic Church, you will have problems and many regrets, because Christ will not be in your marriage. Marriage pictures our relationship with Christ, it pictures salvation. It is a sacred union, and one that must be done according to the will of God. Unfortunately, there is just no way around that. You will not be able to share the most important part of your life with the most important person in your life, and you will be heading for many years of heartbreak.

Please talk with a priest who will be able to give you guidance in this area. And pray, pray, pray!

Mary

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

We are not living together, and I apologise if my language has been confusing. By being together, I meant in a relationship.

He does not want me to be away from the church, he simply does not consider himself catholic anymore and doesn’t feel he should be forced into a large mass in front of many people who would be uncomfortable.

We are not yet planning on marriage, but I know that it is a conversation that is coming and I want to find a way to make sure I can meet his needs while meeting mine and having one that is aceptable to the catholic faith.

Please don’t call me a heretic and jump to conclusions–ask for further detail instead of assuming the worst.

I did misread your original post. My apologies. Approach your pastor and explain the situation. Most pastors would suggest that the exchange of vows NOT take place within a full Catholic Mass, under these circumstances. The exchange can take place in a simple Rite of Marriage at the foot of the altar. Or can even take place outside of the Sanctuary with the priest or Deacon as a witness. This way the Marriage is done according to Catholic Canon Law. Please do not consider the civil and then getting the Marriage Blessed route. It can be done very simply and be “in the Church”.

 

[clv2001]

Thank you for the help. I was worried that my boyfriend being an ex-catholic and anti mass would be a huge problem. Most friends have told me it would be easier were he never catholic at all.

Thank you both for your thoughts!

Chris

 

[puzzleannie]

I don’t want to leap to any conclusions about your situation, so best advice is to talk to your pastor right away, it is so important to prepare for marriage, much more so than preparing for the wedding, and he is the best one to answer your questions, and to offer pastoral counselling if it is needed, and it usually is when a couple has been together for a long time, esp. if one is not Catholic. bottom line, it will probably be much simpler than you think to get things going properly, and you will be opening yourself and your relationship to fantastic graces and blessings by doing so. God bless you both.

 

[stbruno]

The USCCB (council of catholic bishops) have just launched a wonderful new website…Explore it and suggest that your boyfriend also do it. It may strike a wonderful chord for both of you.
It’s called foryourmarriage.org/