Question on living at home and obedience

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DarkLight

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I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’ve heard many people say that you should obey your parents while living under their roof, as long as they don’t command you to do anything immoral. My issue is, what happens if they want you to stay dependent?

Here’s what I remember: My parents and I had a big fight while I was in college. I had decided to take on a part-time job, which they thought was unnecessary. After all, they were paying all my expenses and thought I should focus on my schoolwork (which did just fine with the job). I disobeyed them in this. At the same time, that job proved necessary later on to my being able to stay independent and not have to move back in with them. And if I had wanted to leave earlier that job would have been the only way to get the money to do it. Just moving out with no money would have been a disaster.

So here’s my question: for those who believe a child should obey as long as they are under a parents’ roof, how do you handle situations where the parent wants to keep the child there?
 
I got the impression that you were not living with your parents while you were in college. If this is so, and although they were paying everything you needed at the time, you were not actually living with them.

You should always be thankful to your parents that they paid everything you needed to get your education and that they were worried a part time job might interfere with your studies.

That being said, parents shouldn’t hinder young adults to take further responsabilities in their life, such as taking a part time job. A parent’s job is to raise their children, give them all they might need to be ready to be integrated in the society and live on their own with good morals and values, so that when the parents are gone, the child can be on their own safely.

If the parents want the young adults to stay dependent, they can respectfully disagree, and move out of their home but always be thankfull for everything they have done for them.
 
A parent has the responsibility to raise their children in such a way that they can become independent (maybe this varies by culture). If your parents have gone beyond just worrying about you, to actually trying to prevent you from “making it on your own,” it may be time to respectfully start making your own plans. Maybe they don’t realize what they are doing, or what their child needs to be doing at this time in life?
 
As I understand it, obedience to parents assumes that they are rational, moral people, who do what is best for their children. When parents encourage co-dependency or other unhealthy things, this is not good for the children, is not rational or moral, and definitely not what God wants for families.
 
It is unfortunate when parents are manipulative and controlling and attempt to keep their adult children dependent on them. Adult children living at home or accepting money from their parents should still be treated as an adult.

However, that doesn’t mean that they cannot put limitations on their support. I’m generally a believer in “my house, my rules”, and that if someone accepts money from others they also accept any strings that go along with that. While a parent might be unreasonable, their adult child does not have to “obey” and is free to leave at any time or choose not to accept financial support.

There are actually a lot of parents who discourage their college-aged children from working while in school because they want them to focus on studies. Personally I think that’s a little ridiculous, depending on the situation, but then again a person is free to finance his or her own education with no strings attached to parents. It is a blessing to have college paid for by someone else, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t conditions that go along with that.
 
DarkLight said:

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I’ve heard many people say that you should obey your parents while living under their roof, as long as they don’t command you to do anything immoral.”

I think that relates most to what happens under the roof itself: curfew, chores, reasonable bedtime and rising hours, reasonably respectful language, etc. I would also expect avoidance of gross immorality. So if my adult child were living on the proceeds of crime or coming home drunk regularly they would not be able to live in our home.

“Here’s what I remember: My parents and I had a big fight while I was in college. I had decided to take on a part-time job, which they thought was unnecessary. After all, they were paying all my expenses and thought I should focus on my schoolwork (which did just fine with the job). I disobeyed them in this. At the same time, that job proved necessary later on to my being able to stay independent and not have to move back in with them. And if I had wanted to leave earlier that job would have been the only way to get the money to do it. Just moving out with no money would have been a disaster.”

I think that’s where you give them an ultimatum (if you are prepared to live with the consequences). You can say, I’m going to work at my job as long as it doesn’t hurt my grades. I’d like to live here, but if you are not OK with that, you are free to kick me out. Essentially, you did that by taking the job, but without actually verbally giving the ultimatum. They were always free to kick you out if it was such a big deal to them.
 
Lorelei12 said:
It is unfortunate when parents are manipulative and controlling and attempt to keep their adult children dependent on them. Adult children living at home or accepting money from their parents should still be treated as an adult.

However, that doesn’t mean that they cannot put limitations on their support. I’m generally a believer in “my house, my rules”, and that if someone accepts money from others they also accept any strings that go along with that. While a parent might be unreasonable, their adult child does not have to “obey” and is free to leave at any time or choose not to accept financial support. ’
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See it’s the “free to leave” part I wonder about. In my experience you’re not really free to leave at 18. Leaving costs money. I disobeyed my parents because I wanted to leave abd knew I needed a bank accout BEFORE I could move out. They wanted me to stay longer, I wanted to be able to avoid their mess without lying (which honestly is the only way I didn’t kill myself dealing with them). Otherwise you’re just walking out onto the street. I don’t consider that being “free to leave.”
 
DarkLight said:
See it’s the “free to leave” part I wonder about. In my experience you’re not really free to leave at 18. Leaving costs money. I disobeyed my parents because I wanted to leave abd knew I needed a bank accout BEFORE I could move out. They wanted me to stay longer, I wanted to be able to avoid their mess without lying (which honestly is the only way I didn’t kill myself dealing with them). Otherwise you’re just walking out onto the street. I don’t consider that being “free to leave.”
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“Free to leave” means legally, you can decide to move out if you want to, and figure out a way to make it work. That could mean finding a roommate, taking a second job, living with a family member or friend for awhile, living in a dorm, living with an elderly person who needs a little help around the house, whatever.

“Free to leave” also means, however, that your parents are also legally free from having to support their adult children financially at all, and can do with their money as they wish. If that means they wouldn’t allow you to work and receive money from them at the same time, you don’t need to “obey” them, you can decide to get a job and accept the consequences of that decision.

Even if you have no money, you’re still free to leave. You’re under no obligation to accept another’s support. Sometimes that involves getting creative as well as a lot of going without if it’s worth it.
 
DarkLight said:
See it’s the “free to leave” part I wonder about. In my experience you’re not really free to leave at 18. Leaving costs money. I disobeyed my parents because I wanted to leave abd knew I needed a bank accout BEFORE I could move out. They wanted me to stay longer, I wanted to be able to avoid their mess without lying (which honestly is the only way I didn’t kill myself dealing with them). Otherwise you’re just walking out onto the street. I don’t consider that being “free to leave.”
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The commandment is to “honor”, not “obey” your mother and father. Making moral and prudent financial choices that contradict your parent’s wishes is not sinful.
 
I went to college when I was still 17. I struggled a bit with the responsibility, so my parents gave me an ultimatum. They spelled out how they wanted me to live my life down to the last detail. I listened politely, and when summer break was over and fall semester of my sophomore year began, I left home for good and never went back. I changed my major, developed my own strategies and routines and succeeded in my own ways, according to my own rules. I never asked my parents for another penny after that ultimatum. I was asked to sign a promissory note to repay the loan my parents took out to pay for my first year, but when I later approached my dad to work out a repayment schedule, he forgave the debt instead.
Some parents are not ready to let go or to see their children as autonomous individuals, but there is a way for young adults to respectfully deal with them and sidestep their manipulations. From what I have read of your story here and in other threads, you have nothing to worry about, Dark Light. You do not owe them obedience after you reach adulthood. You do not owe them complete knowledge of everything you do, either. You may make your own choices, and keep some decisions to yourself, and expect some privacy and latitude from them as well. If they don’t like it, they might ask you to move out, or they might decide to be okay with your independence even while you remain in the home with them. But morally speaking, you need to make your own choices and you need to get used to taking care of yourself and being responsible and meeting goals you set for yourself. Good luck. And don’t worry! It sounds like you are doing your best.
 
Lorelei12 said:
“Free to leave” means legally, you can decide to move out if you want to, and figure out a way to make it work. That could mean finding a roommate, taking a second job, living with a family member or friend for awhile, living in a dorm, living with an elderly person who needs a little help around the house, whatever.

“Free to leave” also means, however, that your parents are also legally free from having to support their adult children financially at all, and can do with their money as they wish. If that means they wouldn’t allow you to work and receive money from them at the same time, you don’t need to “obey” them, you can decide to get a job and accept the consequences of that decision.

Even if you have no money, you’re still free to leave. You’re under no obligation to accept another’s support. Sometimes that involves getting creative as well as a lot of going without if it’s worth it.
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Unfortunately, the reality is that for a lot of people, “free to leave” means “free to live on the street.” If you grew up like I did you’re not going to have outside places like friends or family because you wouldn’t have been allowed to get to know people who would do that. You’re also not going to have money to get an apartment, even with a roommate, because you’re required to put down a deposit and pay rent before paychecks come in. Remember finding a job at all might be discouraged or outright forbidden, so there’s probably no savings to dip into. Assuming you can even keep your own money in a private bank account (something I wasn’t allowed to do).

Honestly, I think the way we go from “have to obey in everything” to “completely on your own” is a vast set-up to allow for abuse of young adults by their parents. I lied because sometimes that’s what you have to do to keep a roof over your head and food on your plate, and I’m quite sure I’d do it again in the same situation.
 
DarkLight said:

“Assuming you can even keep your own money in a private bank account (something I wasn’t allowed to do).”

Am I right in thinking that legally, minors don’t really have the right to have and control their own savings? (Outside of very special arrangements like trusts and UTMAs or emancipation.)
 
Xantippe said:
DarkLight said:

“Assuming you can even keep your own money in a private bank account (something I wasn’t allowed to do).”

Am I right in thinking that legally, minors don’t really have the right to have and control their own savings? (Outside of very special arrangements like trusts and UTMAs or emancipation.)
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Generally, yes - parents are entitled to the earnings of their minor children. Also minors cannot typically open bank accounts on their own even with parent’s permission.
 
In my opinion, not allowing a teenage child to have a bank account of their own to learn how to manage money, tithe, pay certain bills (for a car or cell phone, as example), to save money, balance a check book or savings register is reprehensible. In the same vein, not allowing a teenage child to have any sort of job to earn money is reprehensible. How is a parent supposed to launch their child into adulthood when they are legally emancipated from their parents if they have never been allowed to earn and save and spend their own money? Heck, I plan on REQUIRING my teenage children to work and save the second they hit their teens. Sure, they will need me to sign for their account and help them learn how to manage their money, but the point is that they need to learn how to do it while under the safety of my roof.
If a parent prevents their child from learning these skills during adolescence, they are actually crippling their child’s development and are encouraging dependence beyond what is natural and healthy. If a parent is purposefully designing a situation of codependency, they are doing wrong by the child, and the child would do right by either speaking directly to their parents about the error, or by appealing to other elders who might intervene on their behalf. Absolute, unquestioning obedience from the teen child is not required in such a situation, as the parent is doing something very wrong that must be addressed, just as in a situation of abuse.
 
Another poster (Cat) in another thread described how she and her dh raised their children with the goal of them becoming autonomous adults. I think most parents would say that is their goal, but do not go about it in the same sensible way Cat described.

On the other hand, most parents aren’t anywhere near as restrictive as yours were.

As an example, we encouraged our daughter to get a job while in school - but we gave her some guidelines on what type of job she should look for (and even told her a few jobs we didn’t want her to have). She ended up with a great on-campus job. Because it is work-study, her hours are limited, but since she doesn’t need to live off the money, that is OK.

I think that is a reasonable give and take between parents who are still financially supporting a young adult child and the goals of the child herself.

I don’t agree with the “my way or the highway” plan that says if a young adult doesn’t obey a parent in all things that the adult child needs to be finacially cut off. I think a wise parent - who has been planning for this time since his child was young - would gradually release the reins.

Of course, I think a wise child would accept advice from his parents. And would also live in the way his parents taught him - virtuously and prudently - so that his parents didn’t see the need to use money to control him.

Most of the threads about financially cutting off adult children include scenarios of drunkeness, sloth, and immorality. The adult child should know better because the parent should have taught them better. Many times the issues can be linked back to unwise parenting.

In situations of mental health problems with the adult child (or parent), the other person should be more patient and understanding. but adults who refuse treatment for disease can only be helped so much.
 
Actually, many of the most difficult scenarios I’ve seen have been where the parent refuses to accept the child’s mental illness. Both because it hampers the child’s ability to function on their own and because the parent often tries to discipline the symptoms out.
 
DarkLight said:
Actually, many of the most difficult scenarios I’ve seen have been where the parent refuses to accept the child’s mental illness. Both because it hampers the child’s ability to function on their own and because the parent often tries to discipline the symptoms out.
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I agree. Mental health is still stigmatized. Some parents would rather think of their child as being “bad” rather than “crazy.” 😦
 
Even normal cases of serious illness are very difficult. The young adult naturally chafes at remaining a child in the parent’s house. Yet difficult health can do exactly that, forcing an extended adolescence that the young person is powerless to change.

I had that issue as well - the difficulty of owing obedience, not because of any fault of your own, but because you had bad luck. I posted here before and it seemed to be the consensus that was just tough luck but you were still obligated to obey if you can’t take care of yourself on your own like adults are supposed to.
 
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