Question on Racist Parents

[ATeutonicKnight]

So, my mom and dad are at least somewhat racist, particularly about Spanish people. However, they believe no one should marry another who is not of their own “race” (Despite the fact we’re all just as human). I have never liked a non-white girl before, but there’s always a chance that I might eventually. I’ve always hoped I would marry a Japanese woman, for instance, as I find them very beautiful. I asked my mother what she thought about me marrying a Japanese girl, and she said she would disown me, and that “You marry within your race.”

As a result, this has got me thinking: What if I DO marry a non-white girl? My mother would resent her and treat her rather unfairly (Something that’s a danger of being associated with me in general anyway). I want my parents’ approval, but I know I won’t get it.

 

[mommy_k]

You should marry who you fall in love with. If your parents are racist that is their problem not yours. Spanish is a broad term and encompasses people from spain, latinos etc.

Why are they racist about Spainsh people? If your parents love you, they will come to love who ever you marry for your sake.

Every nationanality has a negative stereotype wrongly associated to them, given by a different race or country-people are individuals, and should not be falsely judged by these things.

 

[mountee]

Since it sounds like this is a question about a possible future issue how about praying that God help you find your perfect mate and that your family will be enriched by this relationship? You can turn it over completely to God and walk in faith that when you do come to that time in your life that God has chosen this person for you that you are following His plan. The only way to know if we are on the right path in our lives is to make God the person in charge.

 

[coachkfan1]

Given that “Spanish people” make up a great percentage of the Church’s faithful, your parents are being prejudiced against many of God’s people! Marrying outside of your religion is one thing, but the Bible is very clear that from one blood God made mankind, that all believers are descended from our father in faith Abraham, that there is no Greek or Jew, and that historically the Medeterranian area where the first Churches were established were a melting pot of colors and cultures. Obviously this is your parents issue and not yours but you are being affected by their views. I would pray for them and also point out bot hin Scripture and Tradition that the Church is not a place for racial prejudice.

 

[shainski]

Parents have had feelings about who their children should marry since the beginning of humankind. And children have disregarded their parents desires since then.

Generally - about the time the first grandchild is born, the grandparents begin to love the baby. They may want to disown you, but you are the portal to their grandchild. While, I won’t say that no parents have ever disowned a child over such an issue - generally, the parents eventually come around.

I wouldn’t go out of my way to find a mate just to spite my parents. But, if in the course of events, I became attracted, dated and wished to marry a woman outside of my parents’ comfort zone, I would have done so. (I might listen to their reasons, but I would make up my own decision).

 

[styrgwillidar]

So, my mom and dad are at least somewhat racist, particularly about Spanish people. However, they believe no one should marry another who is not of their own “race” (Despite the fact we’re all just as human). I have never liked a non-white girl before, but there’s always a chance that I might eventually. I’ve always hoped I would marry a Japanese woman, for instance, as I find them very beautiful. I asked my mother what she thought about me marrying a Japanese girl, and she said she would disown me, and that “You marry within your race.”

As a result, this has got me thinking: What if I DO marry a non-white girl? My mother would resent her and treat her rather unfairly (Something that’s a danger of being associated with me in general anyway). I want my parents’ approval, but I know I won’t get it.

Your mom is your mom, always will be. No offense, but she could not like any girl you marry white/black/hispanic/asian/whatever… you’ll have to deal with it.

So, you’re the one who’ll be getting married, that’s the person you’ll take the vow in front of God for. You’ll just need to be positive that you have made the proper choice, that you can fulfill your vow to God. Others will just have to deal with it the best they can.

I grew up in a different time when it was very difficult for mixed race couples. My parents didn’t want me marrying someone outside my race, not because of racism, but because they had seen how hard that can be. Parents tend to not want to see their kids hurt, have to go through difficulties.

As for marrying a Japanese girl, I have a brother who has been married twice to Japanese women. It is not easy, the Japanese in general are not very tolerant of other races. In fact, he broke off his engagement with the first woman he intended on marrying because as soon as she announced it to her parents- they refused to have anything to do with them. He couldn’t see himself putting someone he loved through that kind of division with the rest of her family, so he called it off.

His first marriage didn’t last because he didn’t truly understand their culture. The way they view having kids, how it affects the marital relationship etc. This despite having spent his entire college career hanging with the Japanese exchange students. Despite becoming fluent in Japanese before even moving there. Despite having lived and worked in Japan for several years before getting married. Despite what he went through in his first engagement.

So, I would never say don’t marry outside your race. But I would say, you do need to understand the person you marry including their culture and background. It’s why the best advice is a long courtship and a short engagement.

 

[coachkfan1]

Your mom is your mom, always will be. No offense, but she could not like any girl you marry white/black/hispanic/asian/whatever… you’ll have to deal with it.

So, you’re the one who’ll be getting married, that’s the person you’ll take the vow in front of God for. You’ll just need to be positive that you have made the proper choice, that you can fulfill your vow to God. Others will just have to deal with it the best they can.

I grew up in a different time when it was very difficult for mixed race couples. My parents didn’t want me marrying someone outside my race, not because of racism, but because they had seen how hard that can be. Parents tend to not want to see their kids hurt, have to go through difficulties.

As for marrying a Japanese girl, I have a brother who has been married twice to Japanese women. It is not easy, the Japanese in general are not very tolerant of other races. In fact, he broke off his engagement with the first woman he intended on marrying because as soon as she announced it to her parents- they refused to have anything to do with them. He couldn’t see himself putting someone he loved through that kind of division with the rest of her family, so he called it off.

His first marriage didn’t last because he didn’t truly understand their culture. The way they view having kids, how it affects the marital relationship etc. This despite having spent his entire college career hanging with the Japanese exchange students. Despite becoming fluent in Japanese before even moving there. Despite having lived and worked in Japan for several years before getting married. Despite what he went through in his first engagement.

So, I would never say don’t marry outside your race. But I would say, you do need to understand the person you marry including their culture and background. It’s why the best advice is a long courtship and a short engagement.

Yes from what I understand what you say is true about Japanese culture. I knew a Protestant Air Force chaplain who rose to the rank of full Colonel and who lived and worked in Japan for six years. A learned and well traveled man. During that time he and his wife spent much time off base interacting with locals and so forth. He said that while they were very polite and honest people, the Japanese were among the most racist in the entire world. Not just against Americans or Chinese but against ANYONE who was NOT Japanese. There is a high emphasis on racial purity in Japanese culture. The country has one of the lowest AIDS rates in the world, and this is largely because sexual relations outside the Japanese people is greatly frowned upon. I am sure that they are not ALL that way, but my understanding is that this is the overwhelming attitude there.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Yes from what I understand what you say is true about Japanese culture. I knew a Protestant Air Force chaplain who rose to the rank of full Colonel and who lived and worked in Japan for six years. A learned and well traveled man. During that time he and his wife spent much time off base interacting with locals and so forth. He said that while they were very polite and honest people, the Japanese were among the most racist in the entire world. Not just against Americans or Chinese but against ANYONE who was NOT Japanese. There is a high emphasis on racial purity in Japanese culture. The country has one of the lowest AIDS rates in the world, and this is largely because sexual relations outside the Japanese people is greatly frowned upon. I am sure that they are not ALL that way, but my understanding is that this is the overwhelming attitude there.

Thank you all very much for your replies and (name removed by moderator)ut. I think it might be prudent to state that I don’t really expect to marry a Japanese girl. I’ve never met a Japanese person in my life (The only local Asians are Vietnamese), and so the chances of me actually marrying one are quite slim. I was just using a Japanese girl as an example.

 

[kelvinf]

I have read the OP with caution and I believe it was necessary to do so.

You spoke about your mother saying this and that. She sounds to me like any other mother although you try to portray her in a different way. I am sure my mother has told me before that she was going to disown me.

My mother has been involved in planning my life since I was a child (like every other mother). Today, I am a young adult but I believe she is still very concerned about me especially when it comes to making certain decisions.

There are people from all cultures who are against interracial marriage and that has got nothing to do with racism.

While I believe we all have the right to choose our spouses for ourselves, I believe we should also consider our parent’s wishes. I mean, you don’t want to live the rest of your life in bad terms with your parents.

I believe common ground can/should always be found with parents.

 

[1ke]

What if I DO marry a non-white girl?

You accept that if they continue with their racist position, you will have to limit or sever contact with your own parents to protect your wife and children from racial prejudice and bad behavior on their part.

And if you are not prepared to do so, then you should NOT begin any relationships with those of another background or ethnicity.

If you do begin dating someone who is a different race/ethnicity than you, you need to prepare them for this fact regarding your parents.

You also need to attempt counseling together with your parents and your pastor to help them see that this is anti-Christian behavior.

 

[EasterJoy]

My grandmother was like this, but when she met the actual black man that my cousin had decided to marry, she liked him very much. I would like to say her prejudices washed away, but instead she just decided that she had met one of the few exceptions. Still, actual people have a way of breaking down the prejudices we have built up concerning people we only imagine we know. My understanding is that she still occasionally said things that made them all cringe, but as she meant no harm by it and at her age and mindset was past changing, it was passed over as one of the things that come with taking an extended family as it is. It will always be something.

Do not let your mother influence who you decide to marry, one way or the other. You ought to disclose the possibility of a problem to whomever you marry–not “she isn’t going to like you” but rather “she thinks she can decide who I ought to marry by looking at them, like she thinks she wouldn’t like a Japanese girl or a Latino girl, as if there is more than one human race”–so the young woman doesn’t walk into a minefield of racist attitude with no warning whatsoever. Do not think you don’t have to bring this up if you marry a “white” girl, BTW. Not only is it entirely possible that her family is not as “white” as her looks would indicate, but even if she has no relatives outside of Sweden she deserves to know that her future MIL and FIL have an unfortunate habit of judging people they have never met. You don’t want her to learn that one the hard way, because she might conclude that you never thought anyone could be shocked by such attitudes!

As for what you ought to do when your mom pr dad says things like this, just calmly remind your parents that if anyone tries to force you to choose between them and the woman you decide to marry, your wife wins. Your parents need to get ready to accept whomever you choose, or face the natural consequences. Don’t make that a threat, but point out that it is the natural consequence of raising a man who will not let anyone treat his wife badly, and they ought not want you to be any other way. If they argue, let them talk, but simply say, “well, I don’t think that way.” It is not your job to change them, only to raise a voice against what they’re saying applies to you. They’ll know where you stand. If the day ever comes, you’ll have laid the groundwork for standing up for yourself when it was the time to have laid it, which was the day you resolved that when you became a man you were going to always act like one. I think you’ll find some serenity in that.

 

[Debora123]

Marry the girl who loves Jesus, is selfless, and is right for you.

Your parent’s racism should play no role in you finding a suitable life partner and quite frankly it’s something they’d just have to get over.

When you love a woman and you want to marry her, you put her above everyone else in your life. Including your Mother.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Original poster asks for advice about racist parents, gets racist advice about those racist parents. The irony.

kelvinf:

You spoke about your mother saying this and that. She sounds to me like any other mother although you try to portray her in a different way. I am sure my mother has told me before that she was going to disown me.

You really don’t see why it’s wrong to threaten to disown a child over something that isn’t even sinful? Come on. You don’t think there’s anything wrong with that at all?

 

[Honour]

I have seen this in my own family, where they are very racist against Hispanics and Latinos (“Mexicans”). But when someone did fall in love with and decide to marry a Mexican man, and they pretty much accepted him because he was a good person and husband. They are still racist but view him as an exception to the rule…or that being a good husband is an extra commendable accomplishment for him because of his ethnicity, though they would never outright say so. So sometimes it can be overcome within a family, it is not always a situation where you are forced to choose…it just depends on your family.

 

[kelvinf]

Original poster asks for advice about racist parents, gets racist advice about those racist parents. The irony.

I know you are a liberal and you guys love the term “racist”. Just too many people nowadays see racism in every single thing.

I will repeat what I have said before. In all cultures, there are people who want their children to marry within their race and that has got nothing to do with racism. It could simply be for cultural reasons and that suffices. There is absolutely nothing racist for a parent to desire that their children marry a woman (or man) within their culture!

Of course a marriage generally requires just the husband, wife, witnesses and celebrant to be present. In that case, one can decide to marry whoever they want. But for most people, it involves two families coming together. Therefore, it is only prudent to consider what the parents and would-be in-laws think.

For me, it’s just hard to imagine someone dumping their parents simply to marry a woman outside their race. It’s not like there is a shortage of women within a given race.
I will reiterate that I believe a common ground can/should always be found!

You really don’t see why it’s wrong to threaten to disown a child over something that isn’t even sinful? Come on. You don’t think there’s anything wrong with that at all?

I am familiar with your posts on this forum. You will say the same thing if a parent were to discipline a child for refusing to go to Church for instance.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I know you are a liberal and you guys love the term “racist”. Just too many people nowadays see racism in every single thing.

I will repeat what I have said before. In all cultures, there are people who want their children to marry within their race and that has got nothing to do with racism. It could simply be for cultural reasons and that suffices. There is absolutely nothing racist for a parent to desire that their children marry a woman (or man) within their culture!

Of course a marriage generally requires just the husband, wife, witnesses and celebrant to be present. In that case, one can decide to marry whoever they want. But for most people, it involves two families coming together. Therefore, it is only prudent to consider what the parents and would-be in-laws think.

For me, it’s just hard to imagine someone dumping their parents simply to marry a woman outside their race. It’s not like there is a shortage of women within a given race.
I will reiterate that I believe a common ground can/should always be found!

I am familiar with your posts on this forum. You will say the same thing if a parent were to discipline a child for refusing to go to Church for instance.

So, in essence, you’re telling me that if I find the woman God wants me to marry and she happens to not be white, I shouldn’t marry her to please my parents? I have to become my own man and make my own decisions – especially when my decisions are in line with what God wants me to do. It’s not a matter of “There ARE other women in the world, right?” It’s a matter of there being only one woman in the world God wants me to marry (If I am called to marriage), and I’ll be called to marry her even if my parents don’t want me to due to the color of her skin.

 

[kelvinf]

So, in essence, you’re telling me that if I find the woman God wants me to marry and she happens to not be white, I shouldn’t marry her to please my parents? I have to become my own man and make my own decisions – especially when my decisions are in line with what God wants me to do. It’s not a matter of “There ARE other women in the world, right?” It’s a matter of there being only one woman in the world God wants me to marry (If I am called to marriage), and I’ll be called to marry her even if my parents don’t want me to due to the color of her skin.

What’s your age if I may ask?

There isn’t one specific woman God wants you to marry! That’s a common misconception.

In essence, all I am saying is that you need to make a prudent decision. Is it prudent to abandon your family just because of a woman from another culture? Simply because you believe you are a man and ought to make your own decisions doesn’t mean you should make any kind of decision. The decision to marry someone isn’t just any kind of decision.

Many people above 18 have made decisions contrary to their parents’ advice only to come back crying. We live in societies where the only people we can really trust and rely on are family members. There are people who are above 30 but still live with their parents and rely on their parents for basically everything.

For me, it’s impossible to envisage a marriage without family involvement. Parents can be very helpful when it comes to child rearing. Couples need parents who are experienced to advise them when marital problems arise. And also important, some people (especially women) seek shelter in their parents’ home when things go wrong. If you are certain that you would forever be independent of your parents, then you can make whatever decision you like. Otherwise, try to find a common ground.

Do you know for certain that your parents have problems with people’s skin colour and not probably with their culture?

Are you familiar with other cultures? Do you have girl friends who are not white? Have you ever brought a non-white girl home?

 

[7armyrugrats]

Well, my husband is one of those “Spanish people” your parents don’t like. He is also a devout Catholic, a terrific husband and a great dad to our 8 kids. He selflessly serves both his family and our country. He is the man I prayed for St. Joseph to send to me. I never thought of asking for a specific race in those prayers–it was the farthest thing from my mind. I also never thought of asking for a specific height, weight, hair color, etc. All I asked for was a man like St. Joseph to love and care for me and our kids.

Marriage is hard for everyone regardless of how the in laws feel about a couple. Cultural differences may at times make it harder, I’m not sure it really does though. I have no experience with marriage except my own. What I do know is we are 100% happily committed to marriage and have NEVER doubted that it is a lifelong commitment. Divorce has never crossed our minds even when times are hard–and there have been many horribly hard times during the last 20 yrs. We’ve had to compromise on cultural differences at times and give in to one another at times, but don’t all couples? Everyone brings unique traditions into marriage and combine and refine those into new traditions for their children to enjoy. My husband and I married 15+ years ago (we were together for 5 years before marrying) and are happier now than I ever imagined a couple could be. On the other hand, in the same period of time, people I know from school who married someone of the same race and from our hometown, are not together currently or are miserable together. This includes my brothers and sisters. Only one of my sisters is still married to her first husband and ironically he is also an immigrant (Asian instead of Mexican though)!

Being of the same faith is much more important than being of the same race. It still can work out but often creates larger hurdles

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I know you are a liberal and you guys love the term “racist”. Just too many people nowadays see racism in every single thing.

Me? Haha. I’ve never been called a liberal in all my life, and I almost never use the word “racist.” I suppose that, here at CAF, I may indeed be “liberal”, simply for being willing to use that word just once.

I will repeat what I have said before. In all cultures, there are people who want their children to marry within their race and that has got nothing to do with racism. It could simply be for cultural reasons and that suffices. There is absolutely nothing racist for a parent to desire that their children marry a woman (or man) within their culture!

I don’t know if culture has anything to do with it. The original poster specifically says,

asked my mother what she thought about me marrying a Japanese girl, and she said she would disown me, and that “You marry within your race.”

So his mother did not say anything like “you marry within your own culture,” she said, “you marry within your own race.”

Of course a marriage generally requires just the husband, wife, witnesses and celebrant to be present. In that case, one can decide to marry whoever they want. But for most people, it involves two families coming together. Therefore, it is only prudent to consider what the parents and would-be in-laws think.

I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about what they think when what they think is hateful, sinful or otherwise ridiculous. If they have valid concerns, that’s another matter. Race isn’t one of them.

For me, it’s just hard to imagine someone dumping their parents simply to marry a woman outside their race. It’s not like there is a shortage of women within a given race.
I will reiterate that I believe a common ground can/should always be found!

So now it IS about race? I see you bounced between using the words “culture” and “race”, they aren’t the same thing.

I am familiar with your posts on this forum. You will say the same thing if a parent were to discipline a child for refusing to go to Church for instance.

I do not remember the post in question, nor do I understand why it would be relevant.

There isn’t one specific woman God wants you to marry! That’s a common misconception.

That’s fine, and I agree. However, let us remember the purpose of marriage, yes? To guide one another to heaven, right? So parents should be making the decision of whether or not to bless a marriage on the basis of whether it will aid in that purpose. They should not base that decision on race, nor even on culture, but only whether it will aid in that purpose.

 

[kelvinf]

Me? Haha. I’ve never been called a liberal in all my life, and I almost never use the word “racist.” I suppose that, here at CAF, I may indeed be “liberal”, simply for being willing to use that word just once.

I don’t know if culture has anything to do with it. The original poster specifically says,

So his mother did not say anything like “you marry within your own culture,” she said, “you marry within your own race.”

I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about what they think when what they think is hateful, sinful or otherwise ridiculous. If they have valid concerns, that’s another matter. Race isn’t one of them.

So now it IS about race? I see you bounced between using the words “culture” and “race”, they aren’t the same thing.

I do not remember the post in question, nor do I understand why it would be relevant.

So much for not knowing the different meanings of race. I will help you look it up:

race
a group of people sharing the same culture, history, language, etc.; an ethnic group:
we Scots were a bloodthirsty race then
oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/race–2

5 [countable] a group of people who share the same language, history, culture, etc
the Nordic races
He admired Canadians as a hardy and determined race.
oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/dictionary/race

1. any people united by common history, language, cultural traits, etc.: the Dutch race.
   dictionary.reference.com/browse/race?s=t

b : a class or kind of people unified by shared interests, habits, or characteristics
merriam-webster.com/dictionary/race

When it comes to marriage, if someone says you marry within your race/culture/nation etc, just understand that there is a rational thinking behind it.
But there are people who see everything through the prism of racism and never think objectively.

That’s fine, and I agree. However, let us remember the purpose of marriage, yes? To guide one another to heaven, right? So parents should be making the decision of whether or not to bless a marriage on the basis of whether it will aid in that purpose. They should not base that decision on race, nor even on culture, but only whether it will aid in that purpose.

What you say can equally be applied to the disparity of cult for instance. But there are people who will tell you to avoid such marriages altogether.

The decision to bless a marriage is a choice parents are free to make. They are entitled to that even if someone doesn’t like their decision especially without even knowing their reason behind it. Period.