Question on reason for divorce

[Psalm_22]

I have been married for 22 years. In this time my wife has never worked. This is not a problem for me. My problem has always been, when I get off work, I go grocery shopping. I come home and cook dinner. Then I load the dishwasher. Before work, I take all the dirty laundry to the basement, make the coffee, take out the trash, then I make my lunch. I do my own laundry, and on the weekends I help with the housework. All she ever tells me is " you’re lazy". I am sick of it and I want out.
My first question is, am I being a baby about this? Second question is, would it be wrong to get a divorce? Thanks for reading.

 

[1ke]

This is not a question we can answer. This is a question for you to discuss with your priest.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

Any kids?

 

[Psalm_22]

One son. 16. ^

 

[Psalm_22]

This is not a question we can answer. This is a question for you to discuss with your priest.

Only comfortable with my parish priests, don’t want to slam her reputation. See my dilemma?

 

[Christy_Beth]

Whatever we may answer would be how we feel from our own experiences and such. For an answer that’s in line with what the Church teaches, you would need to talk with your priest. I’d like to say how I feel, but that wouldn’t be the appropriate answer.

 

[Psalm_22]

I’m kinda asking for feelings. I’m totally lost.^ Thanks for your post. It helped.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

I’m pretty sure divorce is wrong. Have you tried marriage counseling? Your wife shouldn’t call you lazy but I do think raising a child is work. Now that he is grown up maybe she is feeling depressed? I don’t know…
I’ll pray for you both but try counseling. 22 years is a long time. Don’t throw that away.

 

[Psalm_22]

Thank you. ^

 

[Psalm_22]

Just answer this. Am I being a baby about this?

 

[Matthew_Light]

Divorce is wrong, wrong, wrong in every way.

Your wife is a child of God. It can be very hard sometimes but you must see the spark of God in her and not be blinded by the negative things about her.

God will help you if you have faith and turn to Him asking for help in this area.

 

[Blessedwithfive]

I don’t think you are being a baby, I do think you are very unhappy. Just being unhappy isn’t a reason to get a divorce. That is called the bad times as in good times and in bad, sickness and health.
You need an objective person to help out. If you have a relationship with your priest by all means start there. I wouldn’t worry about what he may or may not think. I hear they are good at being objective and at keeping secrets!

 

[CatholicRaven]

Only comfortable with my parish priests, don’t want to slam her reputation. See my dilemma?

I don’t think speaking with a priest would necessarily require slamming her reputation. Asking your priest for advice and spiritual direction in your marriage is generally a good idea, but if you really feel you cannot speak to him about it without “slamming” your wife or damaging her reputation with him, then perhaps another approach would be better. You know yourself and your wife best.

I wonder, if you felt there was hope for improvement, hope that your wife could learn to show you more respect and love, would you prefer to stay, even if it took some time, patience and effort? What do you think?

If yes, then I’d like to suggest that you might get some insight from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and/or Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs because it sounds like maybe you’re feeling neither love nor respect from your wife. If that’s a correct assumption, both books might help you articulate what you are feeling, what you need, and what you want in a way that your wife can accept and understand (so that she doesn’t feel you are accusing, blaming, or attacking her). It may even help you find a way to put in less effort (or at least the same amount) and get better results so that you’re both happier.

What do you need from your wife? Have you spoken to her about how you feel and what you want? Have you discussed the division of household chores? Have you tried marriage counseling or Retrouvaille?

When she tells you that you’re lazy, what is it she’s referring to, exactly? What does she actually need from you (because it really doesn’t sound like it is “helping more around the house”)? I mean, what is she expecting you to do that she feels you’re “being lazy” by *not *doing?

Feel free to consider all of these as rhetorical questions, just some things for you to consider. Hope that helps.

Will pray for you!

 

[Psalm_22]

I have asked for help for many years. My understanding is God hates divorce, but no sin unless you remarry?

 

[Psalm_22]

I don’t think speaking with a priest would necessarily require slamming her reputation. Asking your priest for advice and spiritual direction in your marriage is generally a good idea, but if you really feel you cannot speak to him about it without “slamming” your wife or damaging her reputation with him, then perhaps another approach would be better. You know yourself and your wife best.

I wonder, if you felt there was hope for improvement, hope that your wife could learn to show you more respect and love, would you prefer to stay, even if it took some time, patience and effort? What do you think?

If yes, then I’d like to suggest that you might get some insight from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and/or Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs because it sounds like maybe you’re feeling neither love nor respect from your wife. If that’s a correct assumption, both books might help you articulate what you are feeling, what you need, and what you want in a way that your wife can accept and understand (so that she doesn’t feel you are accusing, blaming, or attacking her). It may even help you find a way to put in less effort (or at least the same amount) and get better results so that you’re both happier.

What do you need from your wife? Have you spoken to her about how you feel and what you want? Have you discussed the division of household chores? Have you tried marriage counseling or Retrouvaille?

When she tells you that you’re lazy, what is it she’s referring to, exactly? What does she actually need from you (because it really doesn’t sound like it is “helping more around the house”)? I mean, what is she expecting you to do that she feels you’re “being lazy” by *not *doing?

Feel free to consider all of these as rhetorical questions, just some things for you to consider. Hope that helps.

Will pray for you!

lazy to her means helping around the house. I work. I do what I can at home. I am 1 person. Counseling is a no go with her.

 

[CatholicRaven]

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says, in part:

2382 The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.174 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.175

Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."176

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.178
2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.179

So a separation may be possible, but that’s also probably going to require that you speak with a priest, even if you fear damaging your wife’s reputation in doing so.

 

[underacloud]

I have asked for help for many years. My understanding is God hates divorce, but no sin unless you remarry?

It can be sinful to divorce even if you don’t remarry. Jesus makes this clear in Matthew 5:32 - “a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery”.

There can be reasonable grounds for divorce, due to fear of one’s safety, abuse (including emotional), etc. This would be a matter to discuss with a priest.

Have you and your wife been to any counselling?

I’m a little confussed when you say you don’t want to “slam her reputation”. What do you think a divorce will do? It is by its very nature a slam on one’s reputation from the other. It can be an unfortunate neccessity sometimes (eg when there is abuse), but otherwise I think you are better exploring ways to improve your marriage (especially counselling), not destroying it.

 

[Sunbreak]

I don’ think you’re being a baby. It seems like you are doing too much at home in my opinion.

 

[Corki]

I have asked for help for many years. My understanding is God hates divorce, but no sin unless you remarry?

Not always true.

From the CCC quoted above:

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.

The canon law this refers to:

Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

§2. In all cases, when the cause for the separation ceases, conjugal living must be restored unless ecclesiastical authority has established otherwise.

The short version is that if you or your children are in danger, you can separate on your own initiative. Otherwise, you are to consult the local ordinary (bishop) before doing so. As long as you are following his direction, you aren’t sinning by separating or even divorcing.

 

[Cricket2]

I have been married for 22 years. In this time my wife has never worked. This is not a problem for me. My problem has always been, when I get off work, I go grocery shopping. I come home and cook dinner. Then I load the dishwasher. Before work, I take all the dirty laundry to the basement, make the coffee, take out the trash, then I make my lunch. I do my own laundry, and on the weekends I help with the housework. All she ever tells me is " you’re lazy". I am sick of it and I want out.
My first question is, am I being a baby about this? Second question is, would it be wrong to get a divorce? Thanks for reading.

I have to ask what your wife does all day. It would appear nothing at all. This is something I have seen with another couple, and frankly the wife was a slob…totally a slob. If it was not for the man the kids would have had nothing to eat and would not have a home. He worked three jobs just to keep things going.

This marriage did end in divorce, and sadly she got the kids, the house was lost and she is living with her relatives. I feel so bad for him.

I just can’t imagine 22 years with someone who appears to do nothing all day long. I suggest you speak to your priest, this really seems over due.