Question re: son and first reconciliation/communion, etc

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mumto5

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My son has just turned 8 and as such, was enrolled in the parish reconciliation course. Reconciliation is in three weeks. In February, they would then go on to do their First Communion and Confirmation. The only reason he was enrolled is age. This is when they do it with the kids in our diocese.

My son is going through a weird phase at the moment where he doesn’t want us to leave him in places he is unfamiliar with. So while he entered the classroom to do the preparation programme, he didn’t stay. I wasn’t going to push it with him so let him come home. Parish priest said he would let us prepare him for reconciliation at home and then just have a chat with him beforehand to check he knows his stuff. Main reason for this is that the priest knows we are practicing where-as most of the parents of the school children are not and are just doing it with the school.

I’m seriously considering NOT preparing my son and making him wait until next year. First, he isn’t really interested in the sacraments other than just trying communion since it’s something he hasn’t experienced yet. I’m sure giving him an unconsecrated host would mean about as much to him. He is spiritually immature - is silly during grace times, hates church, is behaving better but still doesn’t participate and only kneels when told, etc. If I didn’t make him he’d just sit. His sisters haven’t been like this. One was allowed to do hers early at the age of 7. The other did it at the normal time and got a lot out of it. My son is quite anti-church and can make quite anti-religion statements. I’m really wondering if I should leave him since he clearly is not ready, interested or at the right point spiritually.

What would you do? Prepare him and just go with the sacraments at the appropriate age or wait?
 
I would prepare him anyway. Two reasons:
  1. It’s always better to receive the Sacraments than not. As a child, it’s expected that he wouldn’t have the same understandings and feelings we as adults do. Same with Church. Keep your head up and make him do what he’s supposed to. It’s better to have him there. Even if he only gets a fraction of information or only goes through the motions of praying, your setting a foundation he will carry for life.
  2. If you back down to him, you are teaching him that he can get his way by acting like he is. It may be hard to leave him somewhere, or make him do things he does not want to, but he’s 8. That’s how eight year olds are. My four year old started early with this. I hope he ends his behavior early too. 😉 But the point is, don’t give in to him. I don’t mean to tell you how to parent. You surely know your children better than I do. I’m just saying that kids crave structure and discipline. They may not know it, but they do. It may be a struggle, but keep up the hard work. I know what it’s like to take a child to Church who doesn’t want to go. Don’t lose your cool. Show him that you are in charge, and Church is not just something he has to do, it’s part of who he is. Who you all are. I’m sure he will eventually come around. If you wait and let him get away with not doing it, it may be harder next year. He’ll remember how he has to act to not have to do it, and act that way again.
Or, I could be totally wrong. 😃 Kids have a way of doing this to us. You’re a parent. Which in my opinion makes you the expert in raising him. I guess my revised statement should be to do what your parental instincts tell you. Take what I wrote above as food for thought, and forget it. You’ll know what to do. In the meantime, I’ll pray for your son in Church if you pray for mine! 😃
 
your son is not necessarily ready for the sacraments when he reaches the minimum age set by the diocese, and I recommend enrolling him in CCD according to his grade in school, letting him learn whatever they are learning in that class, and judging for yourself, perhaps in consultation with the catechist, when he is ready to begin sacramental preparation. Our diocese is moving the minimum age back from 2nd grade to 3rd since it is the overwhelming opinion of catechists, priests and DREs that most 2nd graders, at least here, are not ready either academically or any other way. I suggest a child beginning CCD, whether in 1st grade or older, attend with his class for at least two years, and at the beginning of the 3rd year begin sacramental preparation.

the parent is the best judge. No law says he has to celebrate reconcilation now, only that he must have the opportunity for confession before first communion. If he is not ready for reconciliation, he is also not ready for communion. In any case, there would be an interview with me, the catechist, you and the child beforehand to assess his readiness. Since they receive with their families, not the class, a child would not feel singled out or as if he had failed in some way if he did not receive this year.

I strongly disagree with the previous post. CCD in general and sacramental preparation in particular is not a battle of wills between parent and child. For the purposes of the sacraments a child over the age of reason is canonically and adult and must be allowed to decide for himself if he is ready. The very worse thing a parent can do is force the child to confess on a certain schedule. That can set up a life long fear and negative attitude toward this sacrament in particular.
 
I’m a little torn with the whole concept that with the Sacraments graces are obtained…perhaps the very graces your child needs to help him begin to appreciate religion.

And yet, as a parent, recognizing that each child is uniquely different, coming with their own quirks and blessings as gifts from God for us to discover each day and then guide toward Him, I think your observations are sound and consistent. Your eight year old seems to not be as mature as he should be at this time in other areas besides faith, so it would seem wise to spend this year he would have been preparing for the Sacrament actually focusing on why that is. Surely it would benefit him and you to work on the maturity issue for school matters and home matters overall, then next year, when he’s crossed this hurdle he will be more appreciative of the Sacrament he’d be preparing for.

The reason I’d be torn though about going ahead this year is because he might need those graces in order to cross the hurdle of maturity issues. I’d probably convince myself, however, to include with him daily prayer, weekly or monthly adoration time (15 minutes, not a full hour) and small ‘fasting’ type things (not necessarily food, but playtime, treats, etc.) throughout the year as we focus on the overall maturity issues to obtain the graces he needs that way instead of through the Sacrament of the Eucharist. That’s one thing I really rely on God for as a parent - He has given us so many way to obtain His grace, strength, mercy in order to help us through whatever issues we have - I only have to avail myself of them.

In the end I’d spend a good half hour or so before the Real Presence with all the options in my mind and present those to Him. He generally guides me toward which one to take. I bet He’ll do the same for you.
 
First of all Communion and Reconcilliation are not Confirmation. Though there are dogmatic aspects of each- we do believe that even the limited reasoning of a child is capable of the basic thoughts behind them EVEN if they are immature and flippant about them. I would say it is a very special child who can maintain complete reverence with these sacraments. And as an adult, I STILL struggle with the concept of Real Presence. (I completely believe it, and have Faith- but my human nature requires that I think it to death more often than not ;).)

I would encourage you to continue his preparation. ESPECIALLY reconcilliation. This is one of the most powerful Sacraments available to us. And the sacrament gets more fruitful every time you partake in it.

Your son can partake of First Holy Communion, and maintain his monthly visits to Confession (or however often your family attends). If you feel he is not ready to consume our Lord beyond that, I believe you would be correct in postponing further Communion. I would hate for him to go up to Communion and make a child’s mistake with our Lord, by pocketing Him, or some other offense just because he doesn’t wish to (or cannot) realize the gravity of the Sacrament.

That said, I still think he should be introduced to our Lord. We receive Sanctifying Grace each time we receive and I know in my heart of hearts it helps my own limited ability to believe.

All in all, if you wish to keep your son back from the Sacraments, I understand your reasoning- and if you have clearance from your preist, I support your decision.

But I do think that you should at least keep him on the path to receive his First Confession. If the child understands the wrongness of the things he does, he really should be partaking of Confession with the family. This sacrament is powerful, and is almost more tangible than the concept of Real Presence in Holy Communion (that’s a bit ironic).

We are emotionally attached to the Sacrament of Confession- myself included. (I’m sure we have all been witness to the tears of joy and relief from those exiting the confessional.) But I am not generally that emotionally attached to the Sacrament of Holy Communion- (which is something I work very hard to overcome.)

Maybe the Sacrament of Confession will help your son work through some of his thoughts on these Sacraments.

Long winded advice, but offered in love and support- from a fellow parent of a child of similar age.
 
Oh, that’s right…I forgot that reconciliation prep goes hand in hand with eucharist prep… :hmmm:

Well, I’d still offer all those options before the Real Presence to get a read on how to proceed. The guiding rule, of course, is ‘do no harm’…if any of the options would harm him, then that one has to be moved to the bottom of the list if not discarded altogether.
 
Thanks everyone, I’ve slept on it and come to a decision. First, I’m going to try and get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to be left anywhere at the moment. He will go to friends’ homes but anything else is ‘too scary’. My mother thinks I should just make him go and not worry about it and he’ll learn it’s ok but I’m more happy to just go with the flow and work through the phase.

Second, I will go through the material I have here and prepare him for his first Reconciliation, let him talk to the priest, and see how that goes. Then he can do the first communion / confirmation classes in February if all goes well with the Reconciliation.

The way it works here is that they do two 5 hour days for their reconciliation class and then in Feb they do one five hour day about Communion and one five hour day about Confirmation (which is received immediately before Communion). We don’t have an option to do CCD classes as they don’t exist. After these classes, the next time they get the opportunity to do anything is Lifeteen.
 
By all means then you are obliged to be getting involved in some serious home schooling when it comes to sacramental prep. I suggest first do something easy…like subscribing to some Catholic material that will allow you some structure to your schooling.

Perhaps there are some catechists who can suggest some good things that you can purchase online or thru catalogs.

An easy approach for you would to subscribe to Catholic Parent Magazine. osv.com/periodicals/periodicals.asp?id=19
Here’s a link for you plus there are all kinds of pamphlets and more for you to take your role as teacher more seriously when it comes to your child’s religious education.

Perhaps he is afraid because of the awesome nature of God that he has been previously exposed to? Whatever it is, gently bring him closer to what will be the greatest gift you have ever given him. The gift of your faith! With all things, Pray, pray and pray some more.
 
Listen to your Mum!

He’s a kid. He’s designed to push his limits and test his parents. That’s what he’s doing.
 
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mumto5:
Thanks everyone, I’ve slept on it and come to a decision. First, I’m going to try and get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to be left anywhere at the moment. He will go to friends’ homes but anything else is ‘too scary’. My mother thinks I should just make him go and not worry about it and he’ll learn it’s ok but I’m more happy to just go with the flow and work through the phase.

Second, I will go through the material I have here and prepare him for his first Reconciliation, let him talk to the priest, and see how that goes. Then he can do the first communion / confirmation classes in February if all goes well with the Reconciliation.

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O good and wise parent, thank you for being so perceptive about your son. I strongly agree there is more to this “scary” thing than just confession. I have to leave in a minute because our 2nd year communion candidates are making first confession this morning, but I want to congratulate you and doing a good job with your son.

Call Our Sunday Visitor, osv.com (or osv.org, I forget) they have two excellent books on preparing for these sacraments, meant for CCD teachers but very usable by parents, they also have pamphlets for parents we use in our parent meetings.

I know this morning there will be a few kids who just are too scared to go into the confessional. They have the option of going with another priest in the sacristy face to face, a priest they know because he helps here on Sunday. They have the option to go at another time, at another parish, with a priest they know, or to do what you suggest, have a friendly conversation with the priest.

don’t sweat it. Like adults in RCIA, kids in 2d-3rd grade are ready when they are ready and it takes as long as it takes.
 
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pira114:
Listen to your Mum!

He’s a kid. He’s designed to push his limits and test his parents. That’s what he’s doing.
Click to expand...
He is not pushing his limits or testing anyone. He is genuinely distressed by the situation and I refuse to ignore him and leave a young child alone to deal with it the way my mother dealt with me. I was always alone and unsupported in any kind of fear or difficulty and I don’t want my son to have those memories and he needs to feel safe and have his feelings respected.

He will be doing his first reconciliation in the next couple of weeks via personal appointment with our Parish Priest who I spoke to this morning. I will leave the decision as to whether he is ready to the priest.
 
well we got thru first confessions alright this morning, although one priest was an hour late due to construction closing our main street.

found out from the coordinator later we only had one teary eyed little girl who decided to give it a miss until later. But we also had one first grader, dropped of by grandma who did not read the message board, who just waltzed in, made her confession like a pro, and came out beaming. I only realized she was in the wrong class later when her mom came to pick her up. Oh well, one less thing.

pastor suggests to younger kids who seem totally clueless that he would be glad to see them again next week if they want to go home and think about it some more. I am so pleased because he does not treat this like a cattle call. Even with the delay, he spent more time with the older ones and youth. I think the proof he is a good confessor is that most of the youth do go to confession regularly, which tells me they have learned to see it as a positive experience, and don’t have the dread and fears I hear from some other kids their age.

parish gives each child a crucifix on this day and they really treasure these gifts. We lead in with an Advent penance service and examination of conscience in the hall before they go to Church. Another good things, a lot of parents took the opportunity as well.

For parents, one of the very best ways to help your child prepare for this sacrament is to let them see you pray, then confess, and return after your penance to share the peace you feel.
 
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