Question & Response Please

[EasterJoy]

Go talk to your pastor, because you are very much mistaken. I hardly know where to start.

Let us start with this: What do you mean “if something is immoral, then I would disagree, but everything else is to be obeyed without question”? It is immoral to fail to go to Mass. You have no right to remain silent and give tacit approval to lies…and do not fool yourself, those rationalizations that the two of you are using as excuses to miss Mass are lies! And it is a lie that a Catholic wife vows to obey her husband without question. Her first duty is to do all in her power to help him to get to Heaven, and if she is keeping her mouth shut and not expecting him to love God and neighbor–including his wife!–in order to save herself unpleasant situations that come from having to remind him of his duties when his failures are habitual or severe, she is failing as a wife. That doesn’t mean you try to force him to do anything, or that you become a nag, but that you know what it is your duty to know and say what it is your duty to say.

See him as King David, yes, but realize that you are his Prophet Nathan. You may not remain silent while he sins. You may not leave all the financial decisions on him, without using the common sense God gave you to confirm that he is within prudent and honest boundaries. Furthermore, he cannot take care of you unless he readies you for the possibility that he may die suddenly or be incapacitated and leave you in charge of the household. It is not wrong to give him the final decision, but you two have to be ready for that! He is the leader, but he is not a dictator, and if you put him into the position of a dictator and a tyrant, you are failing him as a wife even if he does not exploit the situation against you. Do not try to fool yourself about that!

You believe not just that lie, but a whole pack of lies. Perhaps those who taught you these lies did not know they were lies, perhaps you teach yourself lies not knowing these were lies. I am not here to judge you or them, you sound like a very selfless and giving person, but I am judging whether or not the guiding principals you are describing are the truth.

It is not meek and mild to abdicate your responsibility and act like a coward in order to avoid unpleasant situations. It may be much harder to do what you’re doing than to have the courage to speak up, I do not mean that you are a coward, but that you are at the very least misplacing your courage. It may not be your fault that you do this, but it is totally wrong. You are not making a happy home, but merely a non-confrontational one. You are providing your husband a near occasion of sin by permitting him to treat you without the honor and love that he promised as part of his marriage vows, and you are especially providing him with a near occasion of sin by letting him make excuses for himself for not going to Mass. Even if he is not Catholic, if he is a Christian he knows that God is owed worship, by reason of justice and by reason of the love you say you have for him and for the Body of Christ. Do not let this self-deception go on.

I’m speaking to you in a fierce way, but I cannot stress too much how severe are the lies you are allowing yourself to live by. It makes me angry. I do not mean I am angry with you, but rather that the situation itself is very upsetting. You are a woman willing to make great sacrifices for the sake of love, but you are making your sacrifices in order that sin may go on, instead, and that virtue in your home may refrain from being advanced. That simply cannot go on. You have the heart of a saintly and courageous woman, but you are being guided by wrong principals. Please talk to your pastor, and clear this up.

In the meantime, though, go to Mass. That much you do know. No excuses…go, even if you have to go alone!

 

[p31k]

I am not here to cause discontent or anything else. I came here looking for opinions on what I’m feeling. I’m sorry if i caused any problems. If I say that my husband isn’t Catholic then I will be judged for being unequally yoked. It wasn’t always like that. He chooses to follow a religion that I’ve followed with him because he felt it was the right thing for me to do. I don’t really care for it personally. I would much rather go to the church of my choice. He has no problem with me attending church. Just not a Catholic one. It causes me to feel very conflicted because I’m told to follow the other church teachings & forget the Catholic ones. Also, I was told that I was raised wrong because of being Catholic. I was deeply offended by this. Still am. Now that he doesn’t feel the need for church, I see no need to go at all as well.

 

[Aviatrix]

You haven’t caused discontent and you have NOTHING to be sorry for to us. We are merely concerned for you and love you as a fellow Christian and a fellow human being.

I am not here to cause discontent or anything else. I came here looking for opinions on what I’m feeling. I’m sorry if i caused any problems. If I say that my husband isn’t Catholic then I will be judged for being unequally yoked. It wasn’t always like that. He chooses to follow a religion that I’ve followed with him because he felt it was the right thing for me to do. I don’t really care for it personally. I would much rather go to the church of my choice. He has no problem with me attending church. Just not a Catholic one. It causes me to feel very conflicted because I’m told to follow the other church teachings & forget the Catholic ones. Also, I was told that I was raised wrong because of being Catholic. I was deeply offended by this. Still am. Now that he doesn’t feel the need for church, I see no need to go at all as well.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean. You have already said you were born in to a Catholic family and grew up with the Catholic faith, right? Are you saying your husband was never Catholic, but of another religion and you have followed him into that other religion? And now he has discarded that, you no longer feel the need to go to that other church? But he has forbidden you from attending a Catholic church? Just seeking to understand is all.

Prayers and Best Wishes,

Aviatrix

 

[p31k]

Yes exactly. So, I struggle with all the worldly issues & church doctrine issues on a daily basis. The feelings I have go back & forth. Never really settling. One day it’s all wrong & other days it’s all right. No one knows. Only God. How do I know what IS correct? Most times I give up & follow what I’m expected to follow because I like to keep the peace.

You haven’t caused discontent and you have NOTHING to be sorry for to us. We are merely concerned for you and love you as a fellow Christian and a fellow human being.

I’m not sure I understand what you mean. You have already said you were born in to a Catholic family and grew up with the Catholic faith, right? Are you saying your husband was never Catholic, but of another religion and you have followed him into that other religion? And now he has discarded that, you no longer feel the need to go to that other church? But he has forbidden you from attending a Catholic church? Just seeking to understand is all.

Prayers and Best Wishes,

Aviatrix

 

[Aviatrix]

Do you struggle with the doctrines of your husband’s religion? Or the Catholic church? Or both? Is there anything that you believe consistently from day to day? Growing in faith isn’t always easy, btut asking these questions and looking for answers can be a good sarting place

Yes exactly. So, I struggle with all the worldly issues & church doctrine issues on a daily basis. The feelings I have go back & forth. Never really settling. One day it’s all wrong & other days it’s all right. No one knows. Only God. How do I know what IS correct? Most times I give up & follow what I’m expected to follow because I like to keep the peace.

 

[p31k]

Both I guess. I guess I don’t really know what I believe anymore. One side says Catholics are wrong/bad because our religion is correct. Other side says our religion is correct because are Catholics right/good. When I do start (as I have in the past) to worship privately (at home) without anyone knowing I feel such extreme peace but then shortly I feel guilt & fear because I then think I’m doing something wrong & should stop worshiping the way I feel is right for me…I feel then that I’m going to h* because I’m doing this! So I stop & then I start feeling badly. So I go back to it & feel guilty & stop & on goes the circle! I can’t get into my husband’s church no matter how hard I try. It’s not spiritually in tune with me. I love the Catholic church. Everything about Mass. Everything. I have such peaceful feelings & warm fuzzies from my childhood.

 

[Joe_5859]

Both I guess. I guess I don’t really know what I believe anymore. One side says Catholics are wrong/bad because our religion is correct. Other side says our religion is correct because are Catholics right/good. When I do start (as I have in the past) to worship privately (at home) without anyone knowing I feel such extreme peace but then shortly I feel guilt & fear because I then think I’m doing something wrong & should stop worshiping the way I feel is right for me…I feel then that I’m going to h* because I’m doing this! So I stop & then I start feeling badly. So I go back to it & feel guilty & stop & on goes the circle! I can’t get into my husband’s church no matter how hard I try. It’s not spiritually in tune with me. I love the Catholic church. Everything about Mass. Everything. I have such peaceful feelings & warm fuzzies from my childhood.

Have you considered seeking the advice of a priest in this? That might give you some good insight.

 

[Aviatrix]

I love the Catholic church. Everything about Mass. Everything.

I think that is your answer then! When you doubt, why not look at the Catechism, or other writings online. Or the lives of the saints. I’m sure they will affirm your beliefs.

Your husband doesn’t have the right to stop you from going to Mass, although I know it would be difficult for you to go against his wishes. I think you mentioned having gone to counselling; maybe bring this issue up with them. They might have some good suggestions on how to handle this.

Prayers,
Aviatrix

 

[EasterJoy]

I am not here to cause discontent or anything else. I came here looking for opinions on what I’m feeling. I’m sorry if i caused any problems. If I say that my husband isn’t Catholic then I will be judged for being unequally yoked. It wasn’t always like that. He chooses to follow a religion that I’ve followed with him because he felt it was the right thing for me to do. I don’t really care for it personally. I would much rather go to the church of my choice. He has no problem with me attending church. Just not a Catholic one. It causes me to feel very conflicted because I’m told to follow the other church teachings & forget the Catholic ones. Also, I was told that I was raised wrong because of being Catholic. I was deeply offended by this. Still am. Now that he doesn’t feel the need for church, I see no need to go at all as well.

Both I guess. I guess I don’t really know what I believe anymore. One side says Catholics are wrong/bad because our religion is correct. Other side says our religion is correct because are Catholics right/good. When I do start (as I have in the past) to worship privately (at home) without anyone knowing I feel such extreme peace but then shortly I feel guilt & fear because I then think I’m doing something wrong & should stop worshiping the way I feel is right for me…I feel then that I’m going to h* because I’m doing this! So I stop & then I start feeling badly. So I go back to it & feel guilty & stop & on goes the circle! I can’t get into my husband’s church no matter how hard I try. It’s not spiritually in tune with me. I love the Catholic church. Everything about Mass. Everything. I have such peaceful feelings & warm fuzzies from my childhood.

You’re Catholic, you love the Catholic Church, you have an obligation to go to Mass…so go to Mass. I have a non-Catholic husband, too; that doesn’t let you off the hook.

Talk to your pastor…that is why you have one. Beyond that, you don’t need our opinion on what you’re feeling. You need your opinion on what you’re feeling and you need the truth about the nature of marriage and the rights and duties of spouses. We’ve let you know that you’re carrying around a lot of baggage that has nothing whatsoever to do with what the Church teaches. Beyond that, you’re getting beyond our pay grade. Get yourself some help.

 

[akela135]

I know of the protestant types that demonize the Catholic church and all its members. When I grew up I was part of a Christian group that had a large number of these types. There were a few families that refused to socialize with mine, reminding their children to never play with me or my siblings because my family practiced an ‘evil’ faith. I was bullied by some of the other girls who wanted to know why I didn’t love Jesus and wouldn’t convert to Christianity. During this time I developed a personal prayer that I would say after communion. I would ask God for the grace and strength to remain Catholic even when it was hard. I recommend you start praying the same prayer right away.

You don’t need to go behind your husbands back. You need to tell him that you are a Catholic but that doesn’t change who you are. You are still his wife, the one he married and promised to love and honor for the rest of his days. You can tell him you will be going to Catholic Mass every Sunday. He will not like this, he will probably be angry with you. You need to have the strength to go anyway. You don’t even have to bring it up after the initial conversation. Let it become the elephant in the room if you have too. Go to Mass like the Catholic you are. It will be incrediably hard but if you presist God will give you all the grace you need. Talk to your priest. Let him know the situation and he will help you in what ways he can. If you are still seeing a councelor then bring this up.

You are an adult, as is your husband. There is no reason two adults, especially adults who loved one another enough to get married, can’t agree to disagree on religion to keep the peace. You have every right to have a fulfilling spiritual life.

 

[p31k]

Tonight I’m having doubts about going to a church of my choice. I think I will just stay where I’m at & ride this out like I always do. Maybe I’m not supposed to be attending my own church & this is a test. I mean my husband is not going to church for his reasons which are good reasons to him so…I don’t know. If my husband comes to me in a month or whenever to say we are finding another church that he wants to attend then I will go. I will endure it as I have all the others. I really think this is the best thing for me regardless of how I feel about it. I don’t view a spiritual life as something joyful. I see it as serious & somber. Maybe my husband is correct. Maybe I’m correct. I just don’t have those answers nor do I feel confident enough to be who I really am. Years back yes. Now no. I think it’s alright for him to change his mind & flip flop but I need to stay right where I am. I need to look consistent to him. I need to not give off the vibe that I feel or think what I think so I will keep it to myself. I can tell God at least. He hears me & always listens.

 

[JackieMom]

I’m going to be really blunt here. If that’s going to bother you, stop reading now.

Okay?

You are in an abusive marriage. It reflects zero of what our faith teaches a marriage should be. You need to seek serious and intensive psychotherapy, probably with a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. Your views on marriage and men in general have nothing to do with Catholic doctrine and are very, very disturbing and shocking. You have a child. It is NOT okay for him/her to live in a home with this dynamic.

Or, you are a troll. I say that not to insult you, but to let you know that your posts are so outrageous and upsetting that it is hard for me to believe they are legitimate.

 

[aspirant]

I can’t go behind his back & attend church.

There is no reason to “go behind his back.” You can tell him you are going to Mass and then go to Mass. You do not need your husband’s permission to go to Mass, because by going to Mass you are obeying God. As St. Peter together with the other apostles said: “We must obey God rather than men. The God of our fathers raised Jesus… God exalted him at his right hand as Leader and Savior, to give repentance to Israel and forgiveness of sins. And we are witnesses to these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him.”

If your husband tries to forbid or stop your going to Mass, your husband is clearly in the wrong and, in such circumstances, I strongly advise you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800−799−SAFE {7233}) for assistance in creating a safety plan.

I was raised/told that a man is the head & superior to a woman.

Men are most definitely not superior to women. That is absolutely contrary to the teaching of the Catholic Church.

sometimes wives must actively correct their husbands’ decisions. The most dramatic example is in Genesis 27, where Rebecca decieves Isaac in order to prevent him from giving their boorish son Esau the blessings of the House of Israel. Much later we see Queen Esther challenge King Ahasuerus’s authority in order to eliminate the wicked vezier Haman, who nearly exterminated the Jews. In both situations the wives’ passive silence could have led to disastrous outcomes.

Another example is found in Zipporah, the wife of Moses. As they were on the way to Egypt to ask Pharaoh to free Israel, “the Lord met him and sought to put him to death.” Why? Moses had failed to circumcise his own son. Zipporah circumcised their son, saving Moses’ life.

If I say that my husband isn’t Catholic then I will be judged for being unequally yoked.

I don’t know why you think this. The Catholic Church permits Catholics to marry non-Catholics.

I’m told to follow the other church teachings & forget the Catholic ones.

Your husband has absolutely no authority to do this.

I’m going to be really blunt here. If that’s going to bother you, stop reading now.

Okay?

You are in an abusive marriage. It reflects zero of what our faith teaches a marriage should be. You need to seek serious and intensive psychotherapy, probably with a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. Your views on marriage and men in general have nothing to do with Catholic doctrine and are very, very disturbing and shocking. You have a child. It is NOT okay for him/her to live in a home with this dynamic.

Or, you are a troll. I say that not to insult you, but to let you know that your posts are so outrageous and upsetting that it is hard for me to believe they are legitimate.

Agreed on all points.

If what p31k is saying is true, this is an abusive marriage. I strongly advise p31k to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800−799−SAFE {7233}) for assistance in creating a safety plan.

 

[Rosary_Girl_1]

Having said that, I suspect that this thread might be another trolling opportunity.

That’s my first thought.

 

[agnes_therese]

I’m going to be really blunt here. If that’s going to bother you, stop reading now.

Okay?

You are in an abusive marriage. It reflects zero of what our faith teaches a marriage should be. You need to seek serious and intensive psychotherapy, probably with a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. Your views on marriage and men in general have nothing to do with Catholic doctrine and are very, very disturbing and shocking. You have a child. It is NOT okay for him/her to live in a home with this dynamic.

Or, you are a troll. I say that not to insult you, but to let you know that your posts are so outrageous and upsetting that it is hard for me to believe they are legitimate.

This. You said: “nor do I feel confident enough to be who I really am. Years back yes. Now no.”
That, in itself, is proof positive that you are in an extremely unhealthy marriage. Real spouses don’t suppress each other, they enhance each other. In fact, I hesitate to even call it a marriage, it’s so far off base.
Please listen to the advice you’re getting here.