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iluvmybabies

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Why is it a bad thing if a man stays at home, does some house work, takes care of the children, cooks, and the woman goes to work?

Why is it so bad? I just want to know why that’s such a big deal…

And then why is it a bad thing for women that choose to stay at home with their children while the hubby works also a bad thing?

It’s a debate that goes on forever in my family! It’s devastating!

My mother would go all psycho on me when I would stay at home with my kids, it was so hard to enjoy being a s-a-h-m but she was one for about 10 years of my life…All of a sudden it was bad for me to do so!! 😦 Very disappointing…

Well because I have a really good job, and need my fiance’s help to watch my kids during vacations etc, he is going to leave his job, I am supporting my children and myself, and I will need to help my fiance as well…Yes I am poor, yes, we will have even bigger problems if this does happen since he’s been the one helping me financially but at least I will have someone I trust and love taking care of my children instead of my 5 year old son coming home crying because he gets picked on by the bigger kids in the daycare center!! 😦

And after we get married crossing fingers God willing, would it be bad for him to take off on his career supporting his new family and me staying at home as he would like me to do/as I would like to do, and raise more children?

What’s right and wrong??!! I don’t :confused: :confused:
 
I don’t think there is a “right and wrong”, it is whatever works for you and your family.

We have done both, I stayed home, dh stayed home, both worked. For us each worked in the situation we were in.
Don’t worry about what others say, my MIL is absolutely scandalized that all three of her boys have wives without paying jobs. To her it is awful, I just laugh. My bil makes close to $90k a year, and she will still complain that his wife should be working 🤷

To each their own.
 
mommamia said:
I don’t think there is a “right and wrong”, it is whatever works for you and your family.

We have done both, I stayed home, dh stayed home, both worked. For us each worked in the situation we were in.
Don’t worry about what others say, my MIL is absolutely scandalized that all three of her boys have wives without paying jobs. To her it is awful, I just laugh. My bil makes close to $90k a year, and she will still complain that his wife should be working 🤷

To each their own.
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Yeah seriously! It’s like ok fine we will be having a hard time but why should it matter to them…They aren’t paying our bills!?

I am telling you if I made 90 k a year my hone would never have to work…lol…
 
once married - neither situation would bother me
prior to marriage? having a man stay home with my kids and financially support him doing so when not my dh would bother me greatly
 
It’s not right or wrong per se when the father is the carer and the mother is the provider, but what is key here is that a man should not be effeminate and, more careful here, the male and female role (active-passive and so on) should not invert.
 
iluvmybabies said:
Yes that’s what I feel but no one in the family will accept it and they drive me insane!! 😦
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In a polite way, point out that none of them are paying your bills or engaged to your fiance, and that unless they are it’s not their place to comment.
 
chevalier said:
It’s not right or wrong per se when the father is the carer and the mother is the provider, but what is key here is that a man should not be effeminate and, more careful here, the male and female role (active-passive and so on) should not invert.
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Could you explain a little more what you mean by “active-passive” roles of males and females?
 
A couple should go about their household matters and parenting in a way that works best for them. Even if that means the Dad stays home with the kids or they take turns doing so. Why are dads thought to be less competent. I’ve never understood that but then I was lucky to have a great dad. 👍
 
iluvmybabies said:
Yes that’s what I feel but no one in the family will accept it and they drive me insane!! 😦
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Rise above it. That is what dh is always telling me 😉 .

I know it is hard, I have heard sooooo many times how we should have just put those kids in daycare and both worked. How I shouldn’t have to be tied down to them. Now I have to hear her start on my youngest SIL (who has 2 small children). I truly don’t undertand it, but I would just answer, Ok, I’ll think about that, and then let it go.
 
smallcat said:
Could you explain a little more what you mean by “active-passive” roles of males and females?
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That the husband is the head of the household and not the wife and that this should not be reversed. Some roles of husbands and wives are more societal, some are more biological. The more biological they are, the more troubling it is when they are inverted. If a man looks for a strong woman to be his protector and provider, that’s rather worrying.

This does not mean the woman can’t be taller, stronger, better with guns, earning more, etc etc. This just means there’s a limit to mothering and looking for a second mother, plus, the need to be the head of the household (and a competent one), stands.
 
iluvmybabies said:
Yes that’s what I feel but no one in the family will accept it and they drive me insane!! 😦
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Stop allowing it to be a topic of conversation. If someone brings it up, change the subject. If they continue, leave the room.
 
What KCT said.👍

Try:
“This is not a subject for conversation.”
“The matter is closed.”
“How abot them __________ (insert name of sports team)?”
“Sorry, not talking about it.”

And my favorite is a combo of LilyM’s and mine:
“Are you going to start paying our bills? I really appreciate the offer, but I can’t let you do that. So, let’s talk about something else.”

You have to be a little confrontational in thislife, hon.
 
iluvmybabies said:
Why is it a bad thing if a man stays at home, does some house work, takes care of the children, cooks, and the woman goes to work?

Why is it so bad? I just want to know why that’s such a big deal…

And then why is it a bad thing for women that choose to stay at home with their children while the hubby works also a bad thing?

It’s a debate that goes on forever in my family! It’s devastating!
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who said it is a bad thing?
who gave your mother the right to make plans for your own family?
the best solution is the one that works for your family, and that may change over the years as circumstances change. As long as you are not expecting her to babysit for free, she should have no say unless and until you ask for her advice.
 
Well his sister and I have always gotten along, and all of a sudden she just snapped at me just because I told her about the situation between df and myself…I told her that we felt it would be more cost effective if he babysat for me, and if he helped me around the house etc while I worked and then I would continue taking care of my children when I got home and he could be on his way…She snapped at me asking me if I was insane and what I was thinking about…Then she tells me her brother isn’t ready for a woman with kids, and that she feels (all of a sudden) that I am not what’s best for him!! That I needed to let him go…😦

I don’t know what to do…I love him but I am afraid that since his mother doesn’t like me and now all of a sudden neither does his sister, he and her are super close they are bff, I don’t know how this is going to work out?? I mean I decided to postpone the wedding…It was a stupid thing to do but I was overwhelmed and hurting because he was like OMG my sister is mad at you? And I know how much she means to him…and he means to her!!!

So out of the whole “before he postponed it, because I thought he would feeling” I did it… I feel so terrible and then he blurred out “well then I am not quitting working!” I feel so bad because I yelled at him about his mother and now his sister whom befriended me and said she loved me blah blah blah and now this happens?! UGH I don’t know what to do…I thought we were ok, we worked things out before with his mother issue and now this…

I am trying to have faith and be patient but sometimes I feel as if marriage and happiness with the person I love is not meant for me at all!!! :,(
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
once married - neither situation would bother me
prior to marriage? having a man stay home with my kids and financially support him doing so when not my dh would bother me greatly
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I understand and yes it kind of does but I am paying 300 a month in copayment for child care, something I have fallen behind and can’t afford it any more!!! 😦 He would save me that money…
 
chevalier said:
It’s not right or wrong per se when the father is the carer and the mother is the provider, but what is key here is that a man should not be effeminate and, more careful here, the male and female role (active-passive and so on) should not invert.
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No nothing like that, he is nowhere near looking for something like that…on the contrary, when he was a bachelor, no woman in his life, he always took care of his apt etc on his own, he was semi organized, which I was surprised since I don’t know many men that are even that!! LOL…so he knows how to cook and loves cooking, I know many men that do and won’t let their women cook! He loves my cooking too, but gives me a break since I work and have my children so he helps me out on occassions in my home cooking for my children and myself!

He also helps me around the house, he will stay a couple of hours right after the children go to bed helping me clean up the house…He’s a good man!
 
LilyM said:
In a polite way, point out that none of them are paying your bills or engaged to your fiance, and that unless they are it’s not their place to comment.
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Yeah right…you try that one!! 😦 My parents have helped me out before I met my fiance, they helped me out a lot…
And even after I met df they did as well but I am paying them back during tax season, so I won’t owe them anything at all…
 
Sierrah said:
A couple should go about their household matters and parenting in a way that works best for them. Even if that means the Dad stays home with the kids or they take turns doing so. Why are dads thought to be less competent. I’ve never understood that but then I was lucky to have a great dad. 👍
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I did too, my father though, never lifted a finger around the house…It frustrated my mother so much that she used to abuse us physically-beat the **** out of us, out of anger and frustration from my father…If you ever ask her though she WAS A SAINT AND IF YOU EVER ASK MY FATHER OR GRANDMOTHER OR SIBLINGS SHE WAS NEVER THAT WAY!! So I am always told I am ridiculous and imaginary on my own stupidity…So whatever…

But he was a great father and still is, even though when I ask for help he tells me he’s disappointed in me…so I have stopped asking for help… And I have turned away from them…Even though my mother and I speak on almost a daily basis, I try not to let her ruin my day by speaking about such things…But it’s so hard to hang up the phone once she starts speaking about it she gets upset when I ignore her or change the subject it really drives me over the edge!! And she doesn’t care…
 
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