Questionable Remark

[Evainprayer]

Please a prayerful response is needed!

The other day one of my daughters invited her cousin over our house (both 18). The cousin mentioned her mom and brother (10) were off and could come as well. We have a pool and other yard activities, but it wasn’t the best weather and the pool is still pretty cold. My husband was working at home as was my other daughter (16)-she was studying.

After spending little time outdoors, the guest came in where my nephew started looking through the cabinets for food. My younger daughter told him we really didn’t have anything as my plan was to go shopping that day(before the guest came). My sister, who had also brought her two dogs over (and the one isn’t really house broken) then let the dogs in to walk her to her car to get something. My younger daughter then said to my sister that she didn’t want the dogs on the rug in the living room. Of course, when I found out later about these statements (I was not in the room at the time) I told my daughter she owed my sister an apology for hurting her feelings and chastising an adult. She did apologize by email and my sister told her not to worry about it, but my sister sent me an email telling me that she felt like she never really hit it off with that daughter anyway.

I am pretty hurt by that remark. Should I be or is it really not a big deal.

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

Please a prayerful response is needed!

The other day one of my daughters invited her cousin over our house (both 18). The cousin mentioned her mom and brother (10) were off and could come as well. We have a pool and other yard activities, but it wasn’t the best weather and the pool is still pretty cold. My husband was working at home as was my other daughter (16)-she was studying.

After spending little time outdoors, the guest came in where my nephew started looking through the cabinets for food. My younger daughter told him we really didn’t have anything as my plan was to go shopping that day(before the guest came). My sister, who had also brought her two dogs over (and the one isn’t really house broken) then let the dogs in to walk her to her car to get something. My younger daughter then said to my sister that she didn’t want the dogs on the rug in the living room. Of course, when I found out later about these statements (I was not in the room at the time) I told my daughter she owed my sister an apology for hurting her feelings and chastising an adult. She did apologize by email and my sister told her not to worry about it, but my sister sent me an email telling me that she felt like she never really hit it off with that daughter anyway.

I am pretty hurt by that remark. Should I be or is it really not a big deal.

I got kind of confused with all the people involved, but…

Maybe your daughter had a good reason to not want the dogs on the carpet?

Have you asked your daughter why she made that comment? And, it didn’t seem like anything major, it was just a statement that she didn’t want dogs on your rug…

Basically, ask your daughter why she said that.

 

[Zundrah]

It sounds as though your daughter only wanted to keep your rug clear from marks and the possibilty of “poo”!
I’m sure that if you tell your sister that, then it will be okay.
At least she has a good sense of cleanliness. Although if some one said that they didn’t want my dog on the rug I would be slightly embarrassed and hurt a bit too.
But it’s okay, it’s just one of those awkard times isn’t it?
I had that when my dog jumped on someones sofa. Embarrassing times…
But no worries! Try to make a joke of it with her.

 

[Evainprayer]

It sounds as though your daughter only wanted to keep your rug clear from marks and the possibilty of “poo”!
I’m sure that if you tell your sister that, then it will be okay.
At least she has a good sense of cleanliness. Although if some one said that they didn’t want my dog on the rug I would be slightly embarrassed and hurt a bit too.
But it’s okay, it’s just one of those awkard times isn’t it?
I had that when my dog jumped on someones sofa. Embarrassing times…
But no worries! Try to make a joke of it with her.

My daughter didn’t want the dog on the rug because the dog isn’t housebroken. We notice it whenever we are over my sister’s house, and my sister comments all the time on the smell of her house. My sister objected to the tone of my daughter’s voice and the fact that a child should not correct an adult. I don’t blame my sister for being hurt and my daughter did apologize but after that is the whole “she and I have never particularly hit it off” comment from my sister about my daughter, which really hurt me. I would never say that about a niece or nephew.

 

[Evainprayer]

I got kind of confused with all the people involved, but…

Maybe your daughter had a good reason to not want the dogs on the carpet?

Have you asked your daughter why she made that comment? And, it didn’t seem like anything major, it was just a statement that she didn’t want dogs on your rug…

Basically, ask your daughter why she said that.

My daughter said it because she tend to be no nonsense and is very aware the dog is not house broken and didn’t want it having an accident on the rug.

 

[kage_ar]

Your sister was rude to let a non-housetrained dog loose in someone else’s house.

Her son was rude to go rummaging about in the cabinets.

Perhaps your daughter used the wrong tone, however, it was not out of line for her to ask that guests are polite.

This is a no-win situation.

Sounds like you learned a lesson, do not issue an invitation unless you are clear “the dogs need to stay in their crates or garage” “we are not serving lunch”, etc. This takes your daughter out of the line of fire.

 

[jwashu]

My daughter didn’t want the dog on the rug because the dog isn’t housebroken. We notice it whenever we are over my sister’s house, and my sister comments all the time on the smell of her house. My sister objected to the tone of my daughter’s voice and the fact that a child should not correct an adult. I don’t blame my sister for being hurt and my daughter did apologize but after that is the whole “she and I have never particularly hit it off” comment from my sister about my daughter, which really hurt me. I would never say that about a niece or nephew.

Were you there? IMHO she is 16 and part of the family that “owns” the house. She has ever right to tell an adult or rather remind an adult of appropriate behavior when visiting someone else’s residence.

My sister comes over and smokes outside as do I because we don’t in the house. My 6 year old reminded her a few weeks ago where to put the cigarettes when she was done, a bucket rather than on the porch. While my sister would have done that anyway he response was “thank you for reminding me Joseph!” It wasn’t out of malice it was out of love because we have to clean the porch. My sister didn’t take it as a child correcting an adult, rather just a young man trying to help his parents. I will say that have a fantastic relationship though and I know she loves him like a son… maybe that’s the difference.

And yes I’m teaching him not to correct adults though, I believe there is a difference. Tell someone the “rules of the house” no matter there age is different from saying something is black when they say it is white. That is “correcting” IMHO.

Joe

 

[yellowbird]

Everyone’s family dynamic is different - while it may be perfectly fine for a child to correct an adult in one family, it obviously was not in this family because the child later apologized. It would not have been acceptable in my family either. My teenage children would’ve gotten their father to tell the aunt the dogs should not be in the house. But all of that was delt with appropriately - I’m glad your daughter apologized and her aunt said no big deal.

I’m guessing though you are now wondering what to make of the comment your sister made about “never really hitting it off” with your daughter? I can totally understand why you would be hurt.

Here are my thoughts… although your sister said “no big deal” she was probably still stung just a bit by your daugther’s perceived rudeness to her. If your daughter is a speak her mind sort of person, maybe this isn’t the first time she’s said something that has rubbed her aunt the wrong way? I think your sister loves her niece - it sounds like she just doesn’t like her too much. I say let it go. Personalities being what they are, we obviously can’t like everyone. So long as your sister isn’t mean to your daughter, I don’t think you need to make a big deal about it.

I have some neices and nephews I like much more than others. I also have the good sense to keep my opinions to myself. It’s unfortunate your sister didn’t. Hey - it sounds like SHE is a speak your mind sort of person also? You might remind her, in jest, that your daughter takes after her Aunt?

 

[Evainprayer]

I have some neices and nephews I like much more than others. I also have the good sense to keep my opinions to myself. It’s unfortunate your sister didn’t. Hey - it sounds like SHE is a speak your mind sort of person also? You might remind her, in jest, that your daughter takes after her Aunt?

My sister isn’t fair. She never has been and is the first to sit on her high horse and tell the world she tells it like it is, but heaven forbid anyone critize her or her family. One of her sons took a dvd from my house without permission once, I suspected it and gently asked her to check for it. When she did find it she told me neither of her two sons would admit who took it and there was nothing she could do to make them. The dvd is scratched and doesn’t work now. Trust me, my daughter does not take after her and if she did I would be seeking psychiatric help asap. But she is my sister and I try to let things go to keep the peace.
I think your advice is good though, my daughter has lesson learned that she can show good manners even when someone else doesn’t.

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

My daughter said it because she tend to be no nonsense and is very aware the dog is not house broken and didn’t want it having an accident on the rug.

EXACTLY what Kage said (I re-read it). Your sister’s and nephew’s actions (the dogs, the cabinets) was very rude and presumptive.

I would applaud your daughter for having the sense to tell your sister this.

16 is not that young. She may not be an adult, but she is certainly no child.

If the dog is not house-broken, it seems that your sister was VERY RUDE in bringing the dogs into someone else’s house. For that, I think she should be reprimanded.

I think the issue might lie with your sister (and her feelings about your daughter).

I don’t think your daughter should have apologized knowing that your sister’s dogs aren’t housebroken. She could have saved you from cleaning and disposing of a rug.

Also, I don’t think 16 would be a child, and I don’t think that that rule (a child should not tell an adult what to do) is an always-rule. Sometimes (these cases) when the child knows more, the child has a duty to inform the adult.

 

[yellowbird]

Sometimes (these cases) when the child knows more, the child has a duty to inform the adult.

Pet peeve of mine: Children who think they know more than adults and say so. I think it comes off as totally pretencious and unappealing. Not saying that was the case in the OP’s situation - just children in general whose mission it is to inform or correct adults.

Just asked 3 of my kids (ages 11, 13, 17) what they would’ve done in this situation and ALL said they would not have corrected the adult, but would have informed their parent in the house. They also said they would’ve said to their cousin - Hey - get out of the cabinets!

To the OP - it sounds like there are unresolved issues w/ your sister and her children, but you are right to keep the peace and let it go. Things like this can escalate and get so out of hand with hurt feelings which might lead people to go years without speaking over something that didn’t amount to much to begin with. I think we are called to forgive others… and often times it’s family members who allow us to practice this the most.

And I LOVE that you are teaching your daughter to have good manners even in the face of borish behavior. I think we were a better society when the majority practiced this.

 

[Norseman82]

If the dog had an accident, who would have had to clean it up? If it was the daughter, you can see why she was just practicing some preventative maintenance.

 

[puzzleannie]

an adult had the gall to bring her pets over uninvited in the first place, the pets are not housebroken in the second place, and she got offended because a family member and resident of the house (who at age 16 probably has some responsibility for cleaning up messes that occur) asked her not to allow the pet on the rug? somebody needs some sensitivity training and a good smack up side the head, and it is not the teenager.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Did she tell you about these comments (the ones from your daughter) or did you find out some other way? Maybe she was embarrassed that you found out, or maybe she was embarrassed that your daughter had let her know what she was doing (and what her son was doing) was not ok. Whatever the case, there are many reasons why she may have said that remark without really meaning it, kind of to deflect the attention towards your daughter, etc. She might have forgotten she said it already. In other words, although the words were hurtful she may not really mean it, she might have said it as a form of defense.

 

[takers]

Perhaps your sister was trying to explain why your daughter would say something, that could have been construed as rude, to her. By saying that she and your daughter ‘never hit it off’ maybe that is her explanation for why your daughter may have not treated her as politely as she could have. I still agree that it’s a weird comment, but perhaps this is one explanation for it.

 

[Sr_Sally]

Let it go. My sister and sister in law have both said similar things to me in the past and everyone is perfectly friendly and gets along great now. I think she probably said it in the heat of the moment or out of embarrasement at the situation. Don’t blow the whole thing up into a bigger deal than it is.

 

[Joe_5859]

If I’m understanding you correctly, it seems that what you’re really asking about is the comment your sister made, not the events that transpired beforehand.

Based on the other comments you said about your sister’s personality, it could just be that the comment is her way (albeit not a way that many of us would choose) of making light of the situation. It seems like she might have said that in order to save face, not that they she was serious about it.

I agree that the comment is not a particularly good way to achieve that end, but I wouldn’t read too much into it myself.

 

[Evainprayer]

If I’m understanding you correctly, it seems that what you’re really asking about is the comment your sister made, not the events that transpired beforehand.

Based on the other comments you said about your sister’s personality, it could just be that the comment is her way (albeit not a way that many of us would choose) of making light of the situation. It seems like she might have said that in order to save face, not that they she was serious about it.

I agree that the comment is not a particularly good way to achieve that end, but I wouldn’t read too much into it myself.

I never thought of this! The comment still bugs me because I would NEVER say such a thing about any child to the child’s parent. I do admit I have said to my husband things about some of the nieces/nephews along the lines of “I do not understand that kid” or “that kid drives me crazy” but for the most part the kids in the family are nice kids, considering some of the horror stories out there. I would never correct someone else’s child or even give advice unless asked by another parent. I pretty much live by the idea that no one is perfect and being good example is the best teacher.
My sister isn’t fair, the whole family just shrugs it off most times, but when it feels like she is being unfair to your own kid it still stings. Maybe from anyone else it would mean they didn’t hit it off and therefore don’t like the kid, but from her it just means she sees that kid as someone who won’t shrug off her unfairness and doesn’t like that.

 

[Cajun_Girl]

I agree with Kage’s comments in particular.

It sounds to me as if you did exactly what you needed to do. Your daughter didn’t do anything outrageous, and an apology was all that was needed.

Honestly, if my nephew were 16 (admittedly, he’s only 3), and he reminded me of a reasonable house rule, I can’t imagine that I would be offended. I don’t think that I would have made such a comment about a child in my family over such a small issue. I think you have acted appropriately and do not need to do anything further. If the comment truly stung, maybe pray for the ability to forgive your sister and simply attribute it to her quirky nature. Hopefully, this will not hang in the air and harm your relationship with your family.