Questions about confession from a newbie

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I am 40+ and will be doing my first confession. I have read you do not need to give details on your sin. I wanted to say my sin was being unpure. But, I was told I need to say the sin and the frequency. Since it is sexual in nature, this is causing me great distress. Since most of it will fall under the umbrella term of sodomy, would that be okay to say instead of listing it?

Another question: is it really a sin if you are doing it within marriage?

Also, after confession, how can you ever look at the priest again without feeling shame and embarrassment?

Really nervous.
 
You don’t have to give detail, unless the detail helps to specify how serious a sin it was. So when someone says “I committed sexual sin,” I’ll usually ask them to clarify whether it was with another person or solo. As for “the umbrella term of sodomy,” and your next question about “within marriage,” I would assume you mean some kind of acts other than “the normal way” of going about it? In which case, depending upon the context, it might not be sinful at all. If you’d like to clarify that or ask for more information, feel free to PM me on here.

As for how you can look at the priest again without feeling shame and embarrassment, remember that 1) we do this all the time, 2) we don’t remember most of it, 3) you’re not confessing anything we haven’t heard, 4) you can go anonymously. It’s the same way you can look the doctor in the eye after he’s seen your physical woundedness.

As I say, feel free to PM me with any questions. I’m always happy to help with confession, it’s one of my favorite things to do as a priest.

-Fr ACEGC
 
To the OP, it is very normal to be anxious about your first confession. I was 42 when I made mine. Just try and remember, the confessional isn’t a place of judgement or punishment, it is a gift to us, from God. I know you will experience it as a profound place of comfort and healing. Medicine only works for those that take it. You are in my prayers.
 
  1. That (sodomy) would be okay to say. But you might get some clarity on it if you speak to Fr. Edward or to another priest about it in advance, just to make sure you actually committed a sin.
  2. My response is withdrawn because I like Fr. Edward’s response better.
  3. Regarding “how can you ever look at the priest again without feeling embarrassment”, priests generally say they forget all your sins the minute you leave the confessional, and also that they hear the same sins so often that something you think of as a big, memorable, embarrassing sin is just another dull day at the office to them. But having said that, when I had to confess big deep dark embarrassing sexual sins, I went to anonymous priests I knew I’d never have to see again, including for confession, and I usually stayed behind the screen. Also, having to confess these sins made me so nervous that it motivated me to not commit them any more because I’d be too hung up worrying about telling them in confession to get any pleasure out of doing them.
 
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S.m said:
I am 40+ and will be doing my first confession. I have read you do not need to give details on your sin. I wanted to say my sin was being unpure. But, I was told I need to say the sin and the frequency. Since it is sexual in nature, this is causing me great distress. Since most of it will fall under the umbrella term of sodomy, would that be okay to say instead of listing it?

Another question: is it really a sin if you are doing it within marriage?

Also, after confession, how can you ever look at the priest again without feeling shame and embarrassment?

Really nervous.
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Number and kind or mortal sins, if you can remember them, since baptism. The kind means species of sin so those circumstances must also be explained in confession which alter the species of the sin . For example, there was a serious lie told then that would be a lie, but if it involved the clergy, then it would also be sacrilege, so it would modify the species of the sin. For sexual sins it could be in general natural, or unnatural vice. St. Thomas Aquinas broke it down like this: “simple fornication, adultery, incest, seduction, rape, and the unnatural vice”. But then also in entertained thought not just carried through.
 
S.m said:
Also, after confession, how can you ever look at the priest again without feeling shame and embarrassment?

Really nervous.
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There’s the option of the screen, you know. But, don’t go for the screen. Face up to your sins. You can do this. Take a deep breath and just start talking. You’re worried about hiding from the judgement of the priest? You’re not asking for his forgiveness, you’re asking for forgiveness from the one who already knows, the one who said, “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.”

Easy for me to say, of course. I’m not in your shoes. But I have been. More times than I can remember and I’ve felt that same nervousness and anxiety. Just. Do. It.
 
As a life-long Catholic, I can tell you that you always are a bit nervous waiting to go into the confessional.
Our apprehensions, whatever they may be, are the devil working to try to keep us from confessing and seeking absolution.
Have courage. Do not be afraid. If you struggle in the confessional, talk to the priest. He is there to help you.
The focus on how many times you have committed a sin is not as important as trying to remember and to confess a sin.
God bless you. You will do fine. And you will walk away with a tremendous feeling knowing that you have been granted absolution. Hallelujah, what a feeling!
 
You should talk to a priest about what is gravely sinful or venially sinful or not necessarily sinful.
Sexual sins are embarrassing but that doesn’t make them any less rote. Deliberately climaxing outside of coitus is against life and charity and needs to be confessed. That being said, anal sex is done by people literally millions of times every day. That doesn’t excuse sin, but again: it’s not shocking and it’s not dramatic. Don’t fall into the trap of dramatizing. Love and devotion is surprising, but sin is almost always rote and predictable and unimaginative.

And yes, you can confess to a different priest and the Confession will be valid.

Peace brother.
 
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That reminds me of a story I heard many years ago. There was a young priest during the 1920s in Savannah who wanted to encourage the people to go to confession. He held up a new $20 bill and said, “If anybody can tell me a sin that I haven’t heard then I will give him this $20 bill.” Many years went by. This priest was transferred first to one parish, then to another. Finally in the 1960s he died. As they were going through his effects they found the $20 bill in his pocket.
 
S.m said:
Also, after confession, how can you ever look at the priest again without feeling shame and embarrassment?
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Go and confess to a priest you may never have to see again.

Use the screen as others have said. I get the impression that may not be the norm in the USA. Where I live in the UK it is.

As Fr. George said it is no more embarrassing than many things we tell our doctor.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
it motivated me to not commit them any more because I’d be too hung up worrying about telling them in confession to get any pleasure out of doing them.
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Yes, this has been my experience as well, especially when I first began going to Confession. Looking back, it was an excellent, concrete way of symbolizing the seriousness of mortal sin to someone who was really quite new to the faith and understood the rules, but had yet to internalize the logic and the love behind the “no”.
Tis_Bearself said:
priests generally say they forget all your sins the minute you leave the confessional, and also that they hear the same sins so often that something you think of as a big, memorable, embarrassing sin is just another dull day at the office to them
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Yes, I’ve heard that as well 😉
JackMcCoy said:
are the devil working to try to keep us from confessing and seeking absolution.
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Indeed. As well as our human nature not wanting us to be vulnerable and wanting to pretend nothing happened.
 
During Lent, we always have an evening with a dozen or so priests. So you can always find numerous priests who don’t know you. Or sometimes there is one who “visits” and that you really like, and you can wait and talk with him next time he visits. I have a favorite priest to confess to, and he’s sent from the diocese for, mainly, Advent. I search him out and just hope he keeps coming to our church.
 
As difficult as it is to do, I always find that giving the most detail personally helps me to admit guilt and work towards avoiding the same sins in the future.
 
You are actually confessing to Jesus who already knows all the details and is waiting to forgive you with all of his Sacred Heart. He loves you with infinite mercy, kindness, and gentleness. Remember how he treated the woman caught in adultery? You will never find a more Forgiving Heart.
I left the church and had to confess for the absence of 40 years and now I go weekly and still get nervous but never, never regret it.
 
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I usually am very nervous before confession but the more often I go, I have found the less nervous I am. I am more nervous when I say “my last time was 4 months ago” than when I say “my last time was 2 weeks ago”. Maybe it’s because the longer it’s been the more sins I have to confess presumably lol, but I think also it gets easier each time you go because of the graces you get from it and knowing what happens from more regular practice
 
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I am always nervous waiting for confession, whether it has been two weeks or two months since my last confession.
With me, it’s kind of like passing a police patrol car. Even though I am pretty much innocent, I am nervous.
 
Thank you all. I am less nervous. My priest gave me a leaflet that breaks it all down for me. He made sure I understood it wasn’t for condemnation.
 
Priests want to absolve us of our sins so long as we show remorse and a willingness to amend our ways.
I usually make a list of my sins, kind of a rough draft of what I want to confess. I destroy my notes after confession.
 
I keep things simple. I might use the word “Immoral” to describe something that I have done and I have never had a priest push me for details. In these days only a small minority of Catholics ever go to confession, so I thing the priests are grateful that some of us even go. You know, you can always go to another priest somewhere else for confession if you are afraid to look at your Pastor afterwards. Is there a Monastery nearby? An out of town parish?
 
Don’t stress too much over confession. Think of the joy you will feel after having been absolved of your sins.
 
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