Questions about feelings for a priest (please read everything!)

[eve.mich]

This is the first time I’ve talked about this to anyone, probably because nobody here knows me. Anyways, I’ve had these feelings for a priest for a while, but I can’t seem to find an answer to this question I have. I want to know, is it a sin (if so, mortal or venial?) to dwell on any thoughts or feelings about him? What about going out of my way to talk to him? I know that entertaining thoughts/feelings is sinful if they are lustful, but I want to clarify that these are not lustful. I just like to think about the times we’ve talked to one another, as well as create opportunities to talk to him, purely for my enjoyment. Sometimes I fantasize about us spending time together, nothing romantic/sexual, just talking together usually. I know it sounds weird, but I just enjoy his company and having these feelings, I don’t actually have a desire to “interfere” with his vocation. I’m sorry this is long, but I’m struggling here because I don’t know if my actions are sinful, and if they are then I will certainly confess them the next time I go to confession. Thank you so much in advance!

 

[krayzevuze]

it sounds to me like you just have great affection for him as a person, I have had this too and even been depressed when they were taken away. if there is any sin it is being overly attached to a creation of God, dont let it go there. but enjoying their company and wanting to be around them, as long as it doesnt go to being rude and intrusive, is not a sin. loving them as much as your soul isnt a sin either. people who are friends often feel like this to each other

 

[Fauken]

I want to know, is it a sin (if so, mortal or venial?) to dwell on any thoughts or feelings about him?

Would you think those thoughts about a man with a wedding ring on his finger and a wife at home? That should give you an idea on the nature and severity of those thoughts.

 

[CRV]

They may start off as innocent, but you’re playing with fire. The risk is before you know it, you’ve crossed the line in your thoughts/imaginings and then it’s too late, with the common mistake thinking one is in control and “that won’t happen to me/I won’t let it get that far” type of thinking. But it does happen and has happened.

What if it did go further on your part to affection, but it wasn’t reciprocated? Talk about things becoming awkward for both parties, perhaps ending with the priest asking to be transferred.

Better to nip this matter in the bud and turn your thoughts to more productive occupations. Platonic relationships of female to male priest usually don’t happen (yes, I am aware of the platonic friendship PJPII had with the lady philosopher [which obviously meant their was a lot of intellectual meeting of minds]), instead priests have left the priesthood and it is a serious matter for them to break their vows.

Establish friendships with more suitable people around you.

 

[eve.mich]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut! Due to everything going on with COVID-19 I have a feeling we won’t cross each other’s paths like it usually happened after weekend masses, so at least I shouldn’t be any kind of “threat” to him now, and I believe this summer he, along with several other priests in the diocese, will be getting transferred to a new parish, so that will probably help with terminating my feelings as well. As of now though I still think about him, but I don’t let it mess with the relationships I have with other people. Is it still bad to even think about him? Eventually these feelings will pass, especially since I probably won’t see him much, if at all, anymore.

 

[CRV]

God knows your heart and your thoughts. Clinging to these feelings instead of letting them go and making an effort to turn your thoughts to other things when they occur is tempting satan. This is obviously a weakness for you, and you can be sure it is one satan will exploit all he can to your ruin. Do not forget he (satan) prowls round like a lion looking for souls to devour.

When a relationship between a boy and a girl ends, she will often miss him and grieve for what once was and "relive’ moments of the relationship - the closeness and good times. This is self defeating and only prolonging the unhappiness and sadness, a little like self-torture. Better to let go and move on and forget and thus heal, rather than to indulge in keeping the ‘fire stoked’.

No good can come of it. It is pointless and destructive. Accept the reality of the situation and let go. God has chosen him - he is a priest in the line of Melchizedek and has been set aside. He has chosen to accept and heed God’s calling, and has been imprinted with an indelible character by ordination for ever.

It seems to me that you are lonely or are missing something which you found by this “connection” with this priest. Keep searching for eligible men and female friends for this something - be it ease to talk to, a feeling of always being accepted/wanted/appreciated/important/understood or valued. These are things we all want - but look for them in the right places amongst the right people.

 

[CRV]

still think about him, but I don’t let it mess with the relationships I have with other people. Is it still bad to even think about him?

To what good purpose does this lead to? How is this benefiting you or him or others?

Our imaginations are gifts from God. We should put our gifts to good purposes for the good of others, rather than misuse these gifts.

 

[OddBird]

Anecdata alert :

In my experience (married woman in her thirties), meaningful friendships with men are possible.

In fact, most of my best friends are men, including a priest.

But, from my perspective, I find such friendships only work under precise conditions. A certain amount of emotional maturity is necessary on both sides to help discriminate between affection and love (and thus avoid potentially unhealthy situations). From your post, @eve.mich, it does sound as though you are not quite clear about what your feelings are, which is a sign you should indeed be cautious.

For me, it also never works if they have not already committed elsewhere in the same way I have : all my male friends are either happily married or live a form of consecrated life, and none of us is, actively or not, looking for someone. In other words, it works mainly because we do not need each other to fill an affective void in our lives.

Since my marriage, I have never been able to form a real friendship with a single man who does not intend to remain single, simply because I am always unsure of what their intentions are and feel ill at ease. I think that, with someone of the opposite sex, there is such a thing as being too “unequally yoked” for a friendship.

 

[Maximian]

There is a reason why the Act of Contrition contains not only an intention not to sin, but also to avoid the “near occasion of sin”, ie to avoid situations which might lead you there.

To take an example that is different from yours, a person with a drink problem should avoid going into a bar, even for an orange juice.

 

[eve.mich]

I’ll be honest, I felt this really hit home. Especially with being lonely and feeling like something is missing. I love my friends and family, but I think there really is something I feel is missing in my relationships with them that I felt was there when I would talk with this priest. This in turn brings about that lonely feeling. I’m probably just desperate for this feeling (whatever it is) I get when I’m around him, thus causing me to look for some means of getting it back (i.e. replaying in my mind all the times I’ve talked to him).

Unfortunately, I’m having a difficult time accepting that I can’t rely on him for the feelings I’m getting from being around him, even though, as you said, God has set him aside already. I’m not intending to mess up his vocation, but you’re right that it’s still far too risky to let these thoughts and feelings take over me. I’m realizing these things, I’m just struggling to truly accept them. Thank you for getting me to look at this from another point of view though. I feel a bit ridiculous now, but perhaps that will help me to fight off the feelings.

 

[MockSock]

Just enjoying someone’s company with no romantic/sexual undertones isn’t sinful.

Enjoying the company of a priest in the way you describe, can even be a good thing.

 

[CRV]

We all have needs, and sometimes we feel these are met by someone who simply isn’t ‘available’ to us, to fulfil these holes in our lives. But that doesn’t mean these needs aren’t genuine, but it does mean we need to look for our needs to be fulfilled by others instead.

Priests tend to have that quality that makes them focus just on the person they’re talking to at that time, completely without distraction, and to be focused on solely is comforting and validating that we are someone who matters. But priests tend to be this way with all, to be able to empathize with and relate to and care for all the souls in their care. Some priests find this comes naturally to them more so than it does to others. It’s part of being Father to all. And they are still human and like everyone they still will ‘connect’ or ‘click’ with various people and get along easy with some and find others difficult to engage with.

My concern for you, is knowing there is this unfulfilled need within you, you are vulnerable to interpreting things in ways that aren’t meant. Focus on forming friendships with various people and you will find someone else who you will ‘click’ with in a similar way - perhaps even better. Perhaps volunteer to help out at a charity nearby if that’s possible, perhaps change your focus from your feelings/needs to meeting others needs and in doing so you might just find your own special niche.

 

[goout]

…
as well as create opportunities to talk to him, purely for my enjoyment. Sometimes I fantasize about us spending time together, nothing romantic/sexual, just talking together usually.
…

An attraction does not have to be sexual to be “out of bounds”.
No relationship is “purely for your enjoyment”. Relationships are mutually respectful of each other’s state in life. Relationships have the good of the other person as a prime consideration.
Relationships are lived in reality, not fantasy. If you are fantasizing you are taking the relationship outside the bounds of reality.
The man is a priest. Your relationship should first of all respect the integrity of his vocation. He is a confessor, and he offers Mass. He might also offer spiritual personal counsel as is appropriate to his vocation, and as is appropriate to your real needs.

None of his duties as a priest are fantasy, and none of it is purely for you enjoyment. It seems to me that you ought to pursue personal relationships elsewhere. Not because priests can’t have personal relationships, but because you know this relationship has elements that are out of bounds for you, or you wouldn’t be asking the question. It’s good that you have this self awareness and are questioning.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Anecdata alert

Best phrase EVER. I am so stealing this

 

[edward_george1]

that you are being groomed to become an occasion if sin to a priest.

As a priest, I find this highly inappropriate and offensive, given the usual connotation of the word “groom.” It doesn’t sound like the priest is doing anything of the kind, and it is uncharitable to insinuate this. It sounds like the OP is young and confused about feelings for someone who is a strong role model. While she needs to turn away from the thoughts and not dwell on them for the sake of her own peace, it doesn’t mean she’s being “groomed.”

Flagged.

-Fr ACEGC

 

[Gab123]

Let’s clarify. Not being groomed by the priest, but rather, being groomed by the devil.

 

[edward_george1]

I don’t disbelieve in the devil, of course. I see firsthand what the devil does to people. I hear confessions.

But I also don’t think it’s worth giving the devil more credit than is necessary. Youth, immaturity, loneliness, and hormones are far more likely to be the cause of the troubles of the OP. Scaring her is just going to make things worse.

 

[Gab123]

But I also don’t think it’s worth giving the devil more credit than is necessary.

At the same time, we must never forget that Scripture reminds us to:
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion , walketh about, seeking whom he may devour . -1 Peter 5:8

But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Cor. 11;13

 

[libbeylu]

Please let go of your feelings…He is there for your spiritual guidance only so be respectful of him!

Maybe your feelings toward him is an indication for you to venture forth and meet other people.

 

[Gab123]

I find this highly inappropriate and offensive, given the usual connotation of the word “groom.” It doesn’t sound like the priest is doing anything of the kind,

if you read my post carefully before it was flagged and removed, I never said the priest was grooming her, I clearly and specifically said the devil is the one who grooms people to become occasions of sin to priests, who have made vows of chastity.