Questions about marriage and divorce

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osutuffy

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First, a little backgound: I have just started looking into becoming Catholic. I was sort of raised Southern Baptist. Well, if you asked what religion I was, I was raised to say that. I haven’t been to the Baptist church in about 10 years. I honestly know next to nothing about the Baptists beliefs. My mother went to the church for many years, and stopped going when I was about 4 or 5. We moved, and she never bothered to find another church. She recently renewed her faith and has started going again, which makes me happy for her.

I however, do not feel comfortable in the Batist church. I have been to a couple Catholic weddings and have always felt a connection there. My father and his parents are Catholic (well father was). I have not had contact with his family in years so I have never had anyone to ask about the Catholic faith.

I have been married, and divorce is going to be final in a couple weeks. We were married at the court house. The future ex husband is a non practicing Muslim, and has been living in another country the last couple years. When we separated, he had become an alcoholic, was verbally abusive, threaten to kill me, and cheated on me. I had also talked to him about religion and wanted to look into some local churches he admitted then that he did not believe in God. For some years I had felt an unease about not going to church, but per upbringing didn’t know where to go and where I fit in. I moved out and told him to straighten up. He said that he did not have any problems and that it was my duty as a wife to put up with it. That he would not attempt to change, and this is how it would always be. Shortly later, he got in trouble with the law, left the country and took his girlfriend with him. They were married about 6-8 months ago. Under their laws, he can have more than one wife. She called me about a month ago and informed me that she is pregnant, they would like to come home, but he can’t get his greencard yet and they need to file. The US does not recognize his marriage to her, so she can not file for him. I would need to file for divorce so they can get married again and she can file.
A little more background, I never filed for divorce before this, for two reasons, one I felt it was wrong (even though my mother’s church permits it), and two I never thought I’d care to marry again. I knew that there was no chance that we would get back together. I won’t lie, I did not want to be with him anymore, he is not the man that I married. He admitted that he was a different person before we were married, but he said that this is how married men act.
Now for my question. My bf is Catholic, his family is Catholic. He does not go to Mass that often, and he has never said that he would expect his wife to convert if he got married. I have been considering converting for a long time, and now that we are seeing each other, I feel that I should actually look into it. His father and brother in law both converted. And more importantly, I have decided I no longer want this disconnected feeling that Ihave had for years.

My question is, will the Catholic church let us get married when I have been divorced? I understand the views on remarriage, but I don’t feel like I was really married. I cared about this man, but after we were married, I discovered that he did not believe in God. I realize now that I should have learned more about him before I married him, but I did not realize he was deceiving me intentionally (he needed a greencard). I was too young to get married and had no spiritual guidance beforehand. Does the church recognize my first marriage? I have never been Baptised. I know that his church (mosque) did not recogize our marriage as spiritually binding there.
 
You’ll need to present your situation to the the “Tribunal” for your diocese for them to make a determination as to whether your marriages were valid. Based on your telling of the story, I’d expect they would agree with your gut feeling that your ex wasn’t capable of being married in the way someone form a Judeo-Christian background would presume marriage would be like. You can contact the Tribunal about this even before you convert, I’d go ASAP to talk to a priest, perhaps one at a church where someone of your BF’s family is active.
 
Being a convert can certainly complicate things, but speaking from experience, it is a wondeful process. I would concur with the previous poster, talk to your priest ASAP. Another good person to talk to would be the director of the RCIA. I have found that they tend to be some of the most knowledgeable people in the church, and they could certainly help you. I have a feeling that given the situation this would be valid grounds for an annulment, especially since you feel that you were never really “married” to him and you certainly cannot help that he up and left the country with his girlfriend. I hope that it works out for you.
 
Thanks for the replies. I agree that I need to talk to a priest, and soon.

I have been researching some answers online, and I find answers for and against. I did find a verse about how some that had unlawfl marriages to get a divorce, but not a lot about remarriage. While I feel divorce is extremely wrong, I feel that staying married to a man with another wife is worse.
 
osutuffy said:
Now for my question. My bf is Catholic, his family is Catholic. He does not go to Mass that often, and he has never said that he would expect his wife to convert if he got married. I have been considering converting for a long time, and now that we are seeing each other, I feel that I should actually look into it. His father and brother in law both converted. And more importantly, I have decided I no longer want this disconnected feeling that Ihave had for years.

My question is, will the Catholic church let us get married when I have been divorced? I understand the views on remarriage, but I don’t feel like I was really married. I cared about this man, but after we were married, I discovered that he did not believe in God. I realize now that I should have learned more about him before I married him, but I did not realize he was deceiving me intentionally (he needed a greencard). I was too young to get married and had no spiritual guidance beforehand. Does the church recognize my first marriage? I have never been Baptised. I know that his church (mosque) did not recogize our marriage as spiritually binding there.
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From what you have stated, I doubt that you will have any problem receiving an annulment. You need to speak with a Priest. God bless.
 
My bf is Catholic, his family is Catholic. He does not go to Mass that often…
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Whoa. A seemingly minor detail in the big picture, but be careful. Make sure he is not just a “Catholic in name only”. My experience with some of these folks is that in reality, their beliefs run from agnostic, to Deist, to cafeteria Catholic. If you become a true believing Catholic, and think you will be happy with a lukewarm-Christmas-and-Easter-churchgoing “Catholic”, better read more of the posts on this forum. Some of the most miserable marriages are born of this type of misunderstanding.

I’m just sayin.

-Tim
 
Oh, it’s not that he doesn’t go, I expected that someone would notice that, but did not want to make my post longer than it was, nor make the post about that. He goes, but his job keeps him out of town for 3 weeks, he works 12 hour days 7 days a week for those three weeks and then is home for a full week. On that week he is home, he usually goes with his family. He is hoping to be out of this job soon and be home permanently.
 
osutuffy said:
Oh, it’s not that he doesn’t go, I expected that someone would notice that, but did not want to make my post longer than it was, nor make the post about that. He goes, but his job keeps him out of town for 3 weeks, he works 12 hour days 7 days a week for those three weeks and then is home for a full week. On that week he is home, he usually goes with his family. He is hoping to be out of this job soon and be home permanently.
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OK, thanks for clarifying. You are contemplating some big changes; just going to RCIA and learning about the rich deposit of the faith is seemingly big enough, not to mention your divorce, annulment first. (BTW, down the road you could ask if your bf could accompany you to RCIA for a refresher!) The door appears to be opening for you at this time, may God bless you in your journey!

-Tim
 
Every case needs to be examined by the tribunal, so it’s only there where you will find official knowledge about yours. 🙂
 
Just wanting to encourage you on this. If you search on the internet for the website for your archdiocese, you should be able to find some information and the preliminary questionnaire for starting the process. It might make you feel better to take a look at it, and then make an appointment to talk to a priest.
 
Thanks for all the help. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I made some terrible choices when I was younger (17-25) and made a huge mess of my life. With help from the bf I have gotten almost all of it together.

He doesn’tknow that I am considering converting. He does know that I have looked into many faiths over last couple years. But something has always pulled me back to wanting to learn more about Catholicism. I want to make the decision on my own, just do some research, then talk to him about it when I am actually ready. To my undestanding the classes start in the fall. I did record the Catholic Mass today, so I can watch it tomorrow. I am going to record a couple others. I also have a Catholic Bible and another book on Catholicism coming in mail in next couple days.

But I have never been comfortable talking about my religious beliefs with anyone. Probably because I never really understood them myself. I always felt at a loss on what to answer people when they asked what church I was with. I also don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to think that I am doing this solely for him, for it is not. Nor do I want his parents to know yet. I’m not saying this is going to happen, but I could change my mind and I would rather not get their hopes up. Rather wait until I am ready to start the process to convert or until I have made a choice not to. I do intend to talk to a priest. My problem ATM is that I do not have transportation when he is out of town and cab fare is not cheap. I hope to have a car soon and will be able to go out and do these things.

I have a busy couple of days, but hope to get some reading done tomorrow and Tuesday. I am sure I will have questions afterwards. I will also be makig a post about suggested reading. I noticed the book of the month club, that looks interesting. I have been trying to make time to get around to finding some answers. Fortunately, life is about to slow down in next month or two and I will get to participate in more activties that matter.
 
Hi osutuffy,
your situation struck me as being similar in many ways to mine - I’m also considering converting but don’t want to speak to my boyfriend about it (or my family and friends) until I’m sure and ready to take the plunge. I don’t want him or anyone to think I’d do this just to make someone else happy. If I convert, I will do it because it’s right, not because I have a Catholic boyfriend.

My boyfriend also has the work on Sundays thing, which is terrible. This year they even made him work Christmas day and Christmas eve, though they knew he’s Catholic and that it was essential for him to go to Church.

In our relationship, it was him that had the early invalid marriage - he got a girl pregnant in college, and wanted to do the right thing. Instead he got a huge mess and his wife abandoned him and the children a few years later. His marriage was declared invalid last year, and we started dating shortly after that.

Anyway, I hope the Church recognizes that your first marriage was invalid, and I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck with your relationship. And I hope you do come to join the Church! Good luck in your journey of faith. 👍
 
Just_wondering said:
Hi osutuffy,
your situation struck me as being similar in many ways to mine - I’m also considering converting but don’t want to speak to my boyfriend about it (or my family and friends) until I’m sure and ready to take the plunge. I don’t want him or anyone to think I’d do this just to make someone else happy. If I convert, I will do it because it’s right, not because I have a Catholic boyfriend.

My boyfriend also has the work on Sundays thing, which is terrible. This year they even made him work Christmas day and Christmas eve, though they knew he’s Catholic and that it was essential for him to go to Church.

In our relationship, it was him that had the early invalid marriage - he got a girl pregnant in college, and wanted to do the right thing. Instead he got a huge mess and his wife abandoned him and the children a few years later. His marriage was declared invalid last year, and we started dating shortly after that.

Anyway, I hope the Church recognizes that your first marriage was invalid, and I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck with your relationship. And I hope you do come to join the Church! Good luck in your journey of faith. 👍
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Yeah, I know that my conveting is going to ruffle feathers. Tht’s why I want to do it privately for now, that way I can answer any questions that my family is going to have. Not sure how my mother will take it. A few years ago I know she would flip out, now I am hoping tat she would be happy for me that I will be involved in a church. I know how she viewed my Catholic grandmother, so it may be a long road ahead of me.

Good luck to you!
 
Yeah, good luck telling your family! My brother knows my BF is Catholic, and hasn’t made a comment yet, which is good I guess. My parents know he’s Filipino, and many people know that Filipinos are usually Catholic, but they haven’t made any comments either. I don’t think they’d object, though. My mother said that she regretted raising us without faith. And I was baptized in the Catholic church, although my parents weren’t married in the Church and didn’t raise us with any religion. I don’t think they’ll object. But I wonder why they decided to leave the Church after I was born - they never talked about it. If they felt they had a good reason to leave, they might be upset that I went back.

My friends, now that’s going to be the challenge! I have one strongly anti-religious friend, who particularly hates the Catholic church. You should hear the stuff coming out of her mouth! I don’t participate in those conversations, but it’s going to be difficult. Right now, I figure it’s just none of her business, but eventually it’s going to come up, I’m sure. My other friends are just dismissive of religion in general. They’d never understand why I’d convert to Catholicism. They all believe that religion is for the undereducated, you know, like people who don’t understand birth control?

Oh, it’s going to be an interesting conversation when it comes up. My friends are also dismissive of having children in general. I see us drifting apart before long, really, which scares me a bit as I consider having to find a new group of friends, but one of the reasons I’m considering converting is that I want to be around people who are positive and optimistic and good, not cynical overanalytical critics. Anyway, good luck!
 
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