Questions about trying to date again

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carguy

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So it’s been years since I’ve been on a date. Also around the same time that I feel into being a cafeteria catholic about sex. Now that I’m back into my faith fully I worry that my stumbles of sex outside of marriage will be an issue with the type of women I want to date. Those who want to and will wait. That are in for all the teachings. Should I not tell anyone who I date? Because that feels dishonest and I feel they should know so that they can help keep me from falling.
 
Things you reveal to someone when you are in a relationship leading to marriage: How many marriages, any children, any STDs, if you are or are not a virgin. Gritty details, number of partners, those have been confessed and forgiven and there is no reason to discuss them.
 
carguy said:
Should I not tell anyone who I date?
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There is certainly no reason to bring this up at all during dating.

If you start to become seriously involved with someone, that is the time to talk about any issues of a personal nature. And certainly not detailed information.
 
I actually laid everything out at the beginning and so did she. Didn’t want to waste anyone’s time to be honest.
 
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lonegreywolf20 said:
I actually laid everything out at the beginning and so did she. Didn’t want to waste anyone’s time to be honest.
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This is what I am thinking about here. I also would hate to have my heart broken over it too.
 
But is it fair to either person to get invested if this could be an issue?
 
carguy said:
But is it fair
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What does that even mean in this context? You do not owe a person information on your sexual history. It is nobody’s business. We are talking about dating, getting to know someone. If a person is ready to move to a more serious relationship, they can discuss these sorts of things in general. They can move to specifics if they believe there is an issue.
 
Thank God I do not have any children or STDs I know of, but it also has been years. I feel it would matter to people so I don’t want that to a problem.
 
I did not mean it as a full detailed history just a letting them I am not virgin and could be prone to that vice.
 
carguy said:
I feel it would matter to people
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It might matter to some people, and it won’t matter to others. I suggest that at the point you are dating someone and it starts to become more serious, or exclusive, you have a discussion about dealbreakers. If a person has a dealbreaker or something they feel strongly about, you can discuss it in general terms. When the time feels right, you can discuss any more specific details of your own past and theirs.
 
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carguy said:
I did not mean it as a full detailed history just a letting them I am not virgin and could be prone to that vice.
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You do whatever you think you should do. I’m just saying, if I guy asked me out to go to a movie and led with… I’m not a virgin… on a first or second date, I would think I was weird and he would get put in the weird zone.
 
I never got to the stage where there would be heart break because I laid it all out there. Most said your cute and all, but no thanks. No harm no foul. Moved on because most times it would be in the first hours of talking.

That is how I am though. I have been with my girlfriend one year and eight months. She wanted to give it a shot with me and she couldn’t be happier.
 
See, maybe that is where there is a misunderstanding?

I’m talking about in the talking stage before going on a date. We laid it out during the messaging and phone talking stage before going on date 1.

My girlfriend and I talked for three weeks before we went on our first date.
 
Yeah that makes sense and what I would like to do, but I am not sure how or when to bring it up.
 
My girlfriend did it as well with me. It has really made things much easier during our relationship. The possible deal breakers were said and now we don’t have to worry about getting emotionally involved and then oops a deal breaker comes out and the relationship ends and hearts break.

In this day and age, there are lots or unusual circumstances that people are in.

I had seven kids and was living with my parents when I started dating again. For some, the kids was the deal breaker, for others living with my parents, and still some others it was both. So, I decided early that I would get my situation out there at the forefront and whomever I was talking to good decide if they wanted to continue talking or not. Most said no thanks. A couple were okay with it all, but we weren’t compatible in other ways.

With my relationship now, she wasn’t frightened off by the kids or me living with my parents. She wanted to give it a shot because we clicked very well on the phone and in chatting. We’re four months shy of two years.

I’m not saying this because I am trying to change your mind, just wanted to flesh it out more and maybe it will make more sense or not seem so weird. Maybe I just made it worse.
 
I brought it up by hour two. Especially if you are just chatting through a dating site or something. Chatting that way tends to be slower between messages.
 
lonegreywolf20 said:
I’m not saying this because I am trying to change your mind, just wanted to flesh it out more and maybe it will make more sense or not seem so weird. Maybe I just made it worse.
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I think children are a bit different than “sexual history”. Children are obviously part of the conversation early on because, well, there they are. The OP is a single guy with no marriages or kids in his history. I didn’t say you shouldn’t talk about something obvious like the existence of children. But your intimate, personal details-- no.
 
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