Questions about trying to date again

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Well I meant avoid the topic. And I’ll see it’s not like I have any prospects at the moment. It’s just thinking and being hopeful.
 
carguy said:
I did not mean it as a full detailed history just a letting them I am not virgin and could be prone to that vice.
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If I was a female who believed in not having sex before marriage (I am female but don’t agree with all Catholic teachings) and found out you were not a virgin,that would not affect my decision whether to stay in a relationship with you.
I would be more concerned about your character,that you were mature,honest,faithful,kind and trustworthy etc.

"could be prone to that vice."
Are you referring to the “vice” as with your girlfriend or with someone else?
If with someone else then thats a whole other issue😬

Consider also that the girl that you are dating may also herself have had sex outside of marriage in the past.
I hope you aren’t going “virgin exclusive” in the dating market?
I’m not much of a Catholic so take what I say with a grain of salt but I think it’s important that a person who chooses to follow the Catholic Churches teachings about no sex before marriage does it with the right understanding/for the right reasons and not put virginity on a pedestal or making a false Idol of it if that makes sense.
 
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Rozellelily said:
Are you referring to the “vice” as with your girlfriend or with someone else?
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Rozellelily:
I would be more concerned about your character,that you were mature,honest,faithful,kind and trustworthy etc.
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I agree with you on those being important, I am not sure about the mature part, but I believe I’m very kind, trustworthy, and honest, it’s why I was worried about being it up. Faithful are we talking about the church or to a woman? Because on both I am, but I’ve never thought about being unfaithful to a woman. I clearly have not been spot on with the church my whole life.

If with someone else then thats a whole other issue😬
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I mean with a girlfriend, I could never ever cheat. That is wrong no matter what. I do not get how people do that.
Rozellelily said:
I hope you aren’t going “virgin exclusive” in the dating market?
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I also would never judge someone for the same thing I have done in the past. That is just wrong and hypocritical. Just assumed that it is a higher likelihood of that being the case.
 
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carguy said:
So it’s been years since I’ve been on a date. Also around the same time that I feel into being a cafeteria catholic about sex. Now that I’m back into my faith fully I worry that my stumbles of sex outside of marriage will be an issue with the type of women I want to date. Those who want to and will wait. That are in for all the teachings. Should I not tell anyone who I date? Because that feels dishonest and I feel they should know so that they can help keep me from falling.
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I think you’re stressing about it too much. The majority of adults who are in the dating pool are not virgins, so if the woman is realistic, she will have already come to terms with this fact. I would explain/stress your conversion. A sensible woman will put two and two together and assume you were sexually active before your conversion, very few aren’t. And I wouldn’t force this type of information. Let the conversation flow naturally. Take it day by day and enjoy the process.
 
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Well I wouldn’t call it a conversion since I’m a cradle Catholic. I just strayed once and it still weights on my conscience. But your right I’m worrying too much. I have social anxiety that I’m working on.
 
What I mean is that I would stress the fact that there has been a change in your faith, and that you have stronger devotion to the church teachings now. I’m sure she’ll get it. And she’ll actually probably appreciate that about you.

You can take confidence in the fact that any man who takes church teaching seriously, sees the beauty in it, and desires to live it out, is a diamond in the rough.
 
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Thanks for the encouragement. I need just embrace what I have going for me.
 
I’m an unmarried Catholic woman with no sexual history, and I would date a guy with a sexual past, especially if it had happened years ago (aaaaand obviously if the guy had gone to confession etc.) I’ve talked about this with other Catholic women. They agree.

Don’t drop the bomb too early though. This is not a matter of trying to deceive anyone. It’s a matter of protecting your own private history. Fiancees need to know this stuff, but it’s not appropriate for the early days of dating, in my opinion.
 
That does make me feel a lot better. I am so glad hear people are less judging than I expected.
 
Glad to help.

A guy might be a churchgoing virgin. That doesn’t make him immune from being a jerk. It also doesn’t guarantee that he has any real human virtue or formation. My friends and I have seen this a fair bit. You’ll be fine.
 
Hmm, I say just make it clear that you intend to remain abstinent until marriage and you do not have to go into details about your sexual past until you are seriously considering asking the girl to marry you. You do not have to tell someone whether you are a virgin or not at the beginning of dating. Most people can use their common sense and realize most people after a certain age are not virgins. And lots of people have stuff about their past that they dread having to bring up to a potential marriage partner. I have had to talk about drug and alcohol addiction, my sexual past, my previous criminal behavior and lots of other unpleasant things. So, you are not the first guy who decided to take his faith seriously to go through this and you wont be the last. Its not that big of a deal. If it has not been that long since the last time you fell into sin then perhaps waiting for a good amount of time to start dating again may be a good idea.
 
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Well depends on what we are talking about. Sex years and years. Adult entertainment closing in on a month. Swearing idk an hour?
 
If its been years since the last time you had premarital relations that is great. Ill put it this way… Its been over 8 years since the last time I have been in jail. That is more forgiving that if I said it has been 8 weeks or even months since the last time I have been in jail lol. My girlfriend was very forgiving because it had been years.

As for adult entertainment, a month is not that long. Not to downplay your progress, that is great that you have been able to not view it for that long if this is a major struggle for you. I am being honest, I would still try to date even if it had only been a month but when I stopped, I stopped for reals and I only fell once in the 5 years i have been Catholic (and i’m still ashamed and it happened 4 years ago) Only you have a idea of how your bad habits might affect your future love life. Adult entertainment is not good for the brain or the spirit. The longer you stay away from it the better.

I am sure no priest would tell you not to date if you cuss
 
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So here is how I look at it. You are who you are. That includes everything you have ever done. If you did wrong, and you learned from it, that contributes to the good you have to offer today. If you did good in the past, that also contributes to the person you are today. If you are considering looking for a mate (as in marriage), don’t you want someone who wants all of who you are? You don’t want someone who says, “Well, I want you from 7 years ago up to now.” That would be silly.

You may find someone for whom your sexual history is a dealbreaker. But you wouldn’t probably want that person anyway.

No need to discuss it on the first date. However by the 5th or 6th date I would imagine you may have natural conversations about values, etc. Fine to bring it up at that point. I would encourage it.
 
You are right if that is a deal breaker that does say a lot about other issue that could arise. I guess I am just worried about my potential dating pool being too small. I mean finding women who are Catholic and then even harder women who want to not pick and choose what they will follow.
 
Well you are right. The more particular you are, the smaller your dating pool will be.

But as another poster said, the older people get, the less likely they haven’t had sex. It is just a fact of life. So I think you are looking at people and not realizing that there are probably fewer people around than you think who are still virgins.

Find someone who shares your values that you have now. If you want to narrow it down further, find someone who is a practicing Catholic. I wouldn’t worry too much about your sexual history, as you describe it, because everybody has a history of some sort. Even not having a history, is still a history.

Like I said. Find someone who loves all of you.
 
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Yep. I think you are overthinking the issue. I am the type of person who likes to be efficient. Therefore, I don’t have a problem at all with having this type of a conversation right up front. So, on the second or third date…out for drinks or dinner… and I would say, “So, what are your values about pre-marital sex”. Now my date wouldn’t be shocked, becasue afterall they have already been out with me on date #1 and date #2. So they will know I am all about efficiency by that time. And that is part of who I am. Either they will like that about me or they won’t.

I have been married 30 years, but it was the way I was way back in the 80s when I was a dating girl. Be who you are. If you want to talk about something, talk about it. Don’t hide who you are, or who you were.
 
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