Questions about why you haven't had kids

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TrixieMcGee

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I as well as several other married couples I know of get asked regularly by family, friends, acquaintances, and total strangers sometimes why they haven’t had any kids yet. I have a cousin where every time she sees or talks to me says, “You have been married x amount of time and I have been waiting patiently, why haven’t you had any kids yet?” Honestly I think that these questions are rude and intrusive.

There are many issues that prevent people from having kids at the time that are touchy and/or personal and they don’t want to share with most people. Some people are barren, some have had serious diseases that have prevented them, some have had fertility problems, some have financial issues, ect. ect. ect. These issues are personal and sometimes embarrassing to talk about. I think that it is incredibly rude to ask about this because you never know what people’s situations are or if they want to share those with you.

So, I think people should refrain from asking this question of other’s. I know this really isn’t a question, but I guess feel free to discuss .
 
I have a cousin who has asked me what my clothing costs! I thought it perfectly fine to pointedlly raise my eyebrows, widen my eyes, and say, “I beg your pardon?”, in the hope that she would realize both that she has made a faux pas and that we aren’t so close to me that I am just going to just let it pass and answer her rude question. She didn’t get it. I kid you not, she repeated the question twice more. I finally told her that my husband had purchased it for me, and did not say more.

It is fine to finally be blunt and say, “You don’t ask people questions like that. It is too nosy.” If they don’t like it, too bad. In the culture we were born into, that is private information, and they are in the wrong. If they want to know why it is rude, then you can go into all the reasons why this is entirely a private matter. If they go back to asking you the question, you just have to say, “Sue. I just explained to you that the question is rude. After that, I explained why it is rude. I hope you can figure out that I’m not going to answer you!”

If they get mad at you, fine. Miss Manners says it would serve them right if their intended victim were to burst into tears and run from the room. That, in the end, is why it is rude.

I had another person make the non-specific remark that it is good to be generous with children. It was obvious what he was implying. I replied that wanting children is no guarantee that a person will get them, but did not elaborate. He backed off after that.
 
I agree that it’s extremely rude. My husband and I have been married two years and we are asked this question constantly. The people asking don’t realize that they are pouring salt into a big wound because we haven’t been able to conceive. And even if it wasn’t related to fertility problems, it’s still very very rude.

Unfortunately, his family members are some of the worst offenders and I’m afraid to say anything rude in return to them because it will hurt our relationship. And if I tell them the truth then that’s just going to stir up unnecessary drama too, since they obviously can’t be sensitive about sensitive topics. So it’s a lose-lose situation for us. We just grin and bear it.
 
Why not just be bluntly truthful?

“Trust me, we’re planting plenty of seeds, but nothing’s come up yet!”

“We’d love to, but we’re tired of mac’n cheese and the rent is overdue again. Want to contribute?”

“I’ve got this ovary problem, want to inspect my surgery scars?”

“She wants me to stop going out all night drinking with my buddies first, can you believe it?”

Find something blunt that contains some truth, but will throw them back on their heels. Have fun with it instead of getting mad. Turnabout is fair play, after all… 😉
 
manualman said:
Why not just be bluntly truthful?
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That’s one way to handle it. I like the idea of maintaining my privacy simply because the concept doesn’t get a lot of defense. Besides, what if there is something else down the line I want to keep private and really don’t want to talk about? Do I want them to conclude I have something to hide because I won’t talk? I’d rather they just get it that I have a sense of privacy that they don’t have, and that I deserve to have it. If I have the chutzpah to stand up for our privacy, maybe the rude will learn and someone else will be spared the assault in the future. That someone else could be…moi!
 
manualman said:
Why not just be bluntly truthful?

“Trust me, we’re planting plenty of seeds, but nothing’s come up yet!”

“We’d love to, but we’re tired of mac’n cheese and the rent is overdue again. Want to contribute?”

“I’ve got this ovary problem, want to inspect my surgery scars?”

“She wants me to stop going out all night drinking with my buddies first, can you believe it?”

Find something blunt that contains some truth, but will throw them back on their heels. Have fun with it instead of getting mad. Turnabout is fair play, after all… 😉
Click to expand...
If I responded this way then I would be giving offense for offense and I really don’t want to sink to that level. I’ve thought about it many times but realized it could cause damage in my relationships with those people. If it’s a stranger it’s one thing, but when it’s friends and family there’s no need to be nasty. Most of them just don’t realize they’re being so rude.
 
I find it offensive. We had friends who were blessed with two children shortly after marriage and they showed them to us with “Don’t you just envy these?” All we could so is smile politely.

God has not seen it fit to bless me and my wife with children, but some people just need to learn to not ask questions that can cause pain to those who do yearn for a child.
 
While we’re on the topic…I am really curious to hear how the OP and others (especially those with fertility issues) DO respond to these questions when they come up.

I’m always tempted to go the snarky route but it just doesn’t feel right to me. Instead of making me feel better it will just make me AND the person who asked feel bad, and that’s not really a good solution IMHO.
 
If you should be blessed with children, the rude questions won’t end, They will simply change form. After I adopted my first daughter I was asked (by a total stranger) “Are you going to have any real children?” I pinched my daughter and when she yelled, i said “See? She’s real”.
 
My experience has been that once I have figured out a snappy come-back, no one ever asks again. I never have a chance to use any of them 😦

But seriously, what I would do is tell a little story. Myself, I would tell the story of how I almost asked someone why she had only 1 child, but always managed to not ask. hen one day she told me she had miscarried several times before their one child was born,and were unable to conceive afterwards. I was sooooooo happy that I hadn’t asked her that question!
 
Schieffelin said:
While we’re on the topic…I am really curious to hear how the OP and others (especially those with fertility issues) DO respond to these questions when they come up.

I’m always tempted to go the snarky route but it just doesn’t feel right to me. Instead of making me feel better it will just make me AND the person who asked feel bad, and that’s not really a good solution IMHO.
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Well I know that we usually just say that it is a private matter and we would really not like to discuss it. I have had friends that break down crying in front of groups or in the middle of Church and then usually the person feels very bad. I try no to get snarky as it really is just repaying rudeness with more rudeness.
 
I’m still learning the art of the artful dodge. :o I always grew up thinking that someone asking me a question required me giving them an honest, straight answer. But often times that is not necessary or prudent.

I think that our society today in general has lost a sense of personal boundaries. When every famous person’s business gets splashed across the news for everyone to see, people start thinking (however unconsciously) that they have a right to know other people’s business. They usually don’t mean any offense. They simply don’t think about how inappropriate it is.

Honestly, if someone asked me such a question, I’d probably instinctively give a more or less straight answer and only later would I think of how I really didn’t owe an answer at all. :o But that’s not what I’d recommend.
 
I get asked all the time why I don’t have children or when I intend to have them because “I’m not so young anymore so I’d better get crackin’.” Yeah. I SO don’t want to go into my infertility even with my family, let alone perfect strangers. It’s particularly bad in groups of entirely Catholic women, all of whom have children. I’m either ostracized because they assume I’m using birth control or peppered with rude questions until I bluntly answer the question “I’m infertile.” Then, I’m unhappy that I’ve shared my health problem, AND I’m ostracized because no one has any idea what to say to me. Lovely. Great way for Catholic women to be charitable. And yes, it’s a real sore point. Everyone around someone who is infertile either seems to be uncomfortable about it or seems to take it personally…either I’m stupid to my non-Catholic friends for being Catholic because if I weren’t I could "do something about it (ie: IVF…which of course I wouldn’t do for a variety of moral and scientific reasons), I’m not serious about wanting children because if I were I’d adopt (adoption isn’t for everyone! Adopted children need more care…they have often been through some real trauma, and you have no idea what the intrauterine environment was like, or the postnatal environment was like), etc, etc…It never ends. I like the idea of raised brows and a comment along the lines of “I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood your question.” Repeat ad nauseum until they understand you will not answer.
 
We’ve had the opposite question, as in, why do we have so darn many (with 4, I don’t think we’re exactly quiverfull-reality-TV-material, here).

That’s people for you. If you have no children, they judge you for not having them. If you have one child, they judge you for not having more. If you have more than two kids, they judge you for having too many.

It’s a lot easier to work at pleasing God than pleasing people. God is consistent 🙂

:grouphug:
 
SciRia said:
I get asked all the time why I don’t have children or when I intend to have them because “I’m not so young anymore so I’d better get crackin’.” Yeah. I SO don’t want to go into my infertility even with my family, let alone perfect strangers. It’s particularly bad in groups of entirely Catholic women, all of whom have children. I’m either ostracized because they assume I’m using birth control or peppered with rude questions until I bluntly answer the question “I’m infertile.” Then, I’m unhappy that I’ve shared my health problem, AND I’m ostracized because no one has any idea what to say to me. Lovely. Great way for Catholic women to be charitable. And yes, it’s a real sore point. Everyone around someone who is infertile either seems to be uncomfortable about it or seems to take it personally…either I’m stupid to my non-Catholic friends for being Catholic because if I weren’t I could "do something about it (ie: IVF…which of course I wouldn’t do for a variety of moral and scientific reasons), I’m not serious about wanting children because if I were I’d adopt (adoption isn’t for everyone! Adopted children need more care…they have often been through some real trauma, and you have no idea what the intrauterine environment was like, or the postnatal environment was like), etc, etc…It never ends. I like the idea of raised brows and a comment along the lines of “I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood your question.” Repeat ad nauseum until they understand you will not answer.
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Exactly! It’s so frustrating! You can’t win no matter what answer you give, really. Even if you’re honest then you’re exposing this very personal health issue to someone who is obviously not a sensitive or tactful person, and you’re just inviting them to ask more rude questions about details.
For me it’s the worst when it comes to my in-laws because I don’t want to offend them by being vague or sarcastic but I also don’t want to talk to them about the truth because they will just give unsolicited advice. They mean well but they just don’t get it.
 
I posted about this just the other day. At first, I didn’t mind but now it’s really starting to bother me. I’m at a loss regarding what to say anymore, because I don’t want to be rude myself but I wish people would stop asking.

I have to keep reminding myself that it always tends to be the same people who ask. And that these are usually the same people who don’t mind their own business when it comes to other people or situations, either. These are the same people who questioned everything when I was planning our wedding, too. It’s a boundaries problem. I’m just a bit more sensitive when it comes to having children.
 
knotanes said:
We’ve had the opposite question, as in, why do we have so darn many (with 4, I don’t think we’re exactly quiverfull-reality-TV-material, here).

That’s people for you. If you have no children, they judge you for not having them. If you have one child, they judge you for not having more. If you have more than two kids, they judge you for having too many.

It’s a lot easier to work at pleasing God than pleasing people. God is consistent 🙂

:grouphug:
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Amen to that! 👍
 
SciRia said:
(adoption isn’t for everyone! Adopted children need more care…they have often been through some real trauma, and you have no idea what the intrauterine environment was like, or the postnatal environment was like)
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I agree that adoption isn’t for everyone, but I DO want to put in a plug to say “Adoption is fantastic and not nearly as scary as it looks from the outside!” Not saying it’s something for everyone, i just take every opportunity to shout that from the rooftops 🙂

Carry on 🙂

God bless
 
A few years ago I went to a small party for work and had to opportunity to meet some coworkers spouses.

I overheard one woman talk to someone else about her kids. She asked another woman about her kids. This other woman smiled and said she had none. Then that question was asked…“why not?”

She was bluntly honest…“well, five miscarriages might have something to do with it…”

😦

I don’t like supporting the idea of being bluntly honest…but I can understand.
 
“I haven’t had kids yet because I would name my firstborn Aristotle and I guess God just doesn’t approve.” 🤷
 
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