Questions/Advice about Abortion, Pre-Marital Pregnancy and the Catholic Church

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wonderingwandering said:
Hello,

Yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. As you can imagine it’s quite a shock. Well I’m here asking for advice because our situation is a bit unique.

I currently live in Vietnam. She’s Vietnamese. I’m American.

She comes from a very traditional Catholic family. And she herself would say she is a strong Catholic (however she has made the decision to have sex before marriage and “rebel” in other ways.)

I’m not Catholic. I used to be protestant but have in recent years stepped away from the faith.

As you can imagine she is terrified of what her family will do/say. She has expressed that she will be a shame to her family for the rest of their life and hers.

In this situation, as you might imagine, two options come up. 1. Have the child and deal with the struggle that comes with the mistake that was made. 2. Have an abortion and deal with the mental struggle of having had an abortion.

For option 2, especially for her, there is a heavy concern about the implications on her faith. She’s mentioned that she would need to be forgiven by the local father and the greater regions archbishop (sorry if my terms are wrong - but I think you know what I mean).

[Edit] She specifically wanted me to ask you all if she will get excommunicated from the church if she does have an abortion? Or is there some other sort of punishment?

[Edit 2] She, also asked me to ask how to show repentance so that she can be forgiven?

Honestly, we both have no idea what to do. But, when I asked her yesterday which direction she was leaning she said she was more leaning on the side of having an abortion.

It’s my feeling that it’s the women’s decision given that it’s her body. I do have a feeling about the whole have an abortion or not topic but now that this situation is upon me/us I don’t feel like I could/should pressure her one way or the other.

I guess that’s enough context for now. I don’t want to provide too much of my own “opinion” but am purely interested to hear advice, stories, first hand experiences, encouragements, really just anything. And if you’re Vietnamese it would be really great to hear from you!

Thanks in advanced.
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Here’s how the Church answers your question about excommunication.

2272 Formal cooperation in an abortion constitutes a grave offense. The Church attaches the canonical penalty of excommunication to this crime against human life. “A person who procures a completed abortion incurs excommunication latae sententiae,” “by the very commission of the offense,” and subject to the conditions provided by Canon Law. The Church does not thereby intend to restrict the scope of mercy. Rather, she makes clear the gravity of the crime committed, the irreparable harm done to the innocent who is put to death, as well as to the parents and the whole of society.

Latae sententiae = automatic on the act.

Sacramental reconciliation is available for this sin, but keep in mind,
  1. this is a horrible sin, and not so easy to blot from one’s memory.
  2. there are people who dearly want to adopt a child.
Don’t choose abortion.
 
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Yes, you can be forgiven for a mortal sin like abortion, but you WILL suffer the temporal effects of that sin! For me, in the case of a long list of various serious sins, I suffered for 29 years before complete healing from those sins began. And for over half of those 29 years I was truly repentant. It seems to me as if I was required to suffer for a certain amount of time. Please do not do this to your unborn child or yourselves. You will all suffer and you do not realize how bad it will be.
 
Brittany said:
Her parents should forgive her, because that is the Catholic way to go about it, but I can’t promise that’s what will happen. They are only human, after all. Humans mess up.
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Yes, and my concern is her parents put their Asian culture ahead. That is the greatest cross and temptation any Asian Catholic (christian actually) will have.
 
Jestersage said:
Yes, and my concern is her parents put their Asian culture ahead. That is the greatest cross and temptation any Asian Catholic (christian actually) will have.
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You’ve really addressed the bulk of her concern in this statement. Actually she was grateful that I was willing to reach out to all of you for advice but she was worried that no one from western culture would really understand the pressure coming from a Asian Catholic (Vietnamese) family.

It’s true, she’s quite concerned that Vietnamese traditional culture will be put in place of proper Catholic belief.
 
Marriage right now is probably not an option…the impending pregnancy can be considered a form of coercion and grounds for future annulment.

Ask me how I know…
 
That traditional culture is incredibly strong and can dominate your entire life, so I understand the fear she has about that. The only words I can offer are: Culture and religion are both very powerful influences. Culture influences your life on earth, and religion influences your life on earth as well as your immortal soul. It’s not easy, to place God’s commandments above the expectations of a very rigid culture. I’ve never been in that situation so I imagine it is incredibly hard.

Obviously, everyone on this site is against abortion as abortion is murder and avoiding the sin should (as much as possible) be done before committing and then repenting the sin.

I think she knows the right thing to do is to not abort, as this goes against Catholic teaching, but it’s a difficult situation and I wish it were easier for her. I can’t even fathom that type of confusion and pain… I’ll be praying for her.
 
My wife is South Korean, and I am an American Catholic, we lived in Asia together for a few years. Catholics in Asia are just like Catholics in other countries, it’s only their culture that is really different.
wonderingwandering said:
She specifically wanted me to ask you all if she will get excommunicated from the church if she does have an abortion? Or is there some other sort of punishment?

[Edit 2] She, also asked me to ask how to show repentance so that she can be forgiven?
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I must be very blunt with you. Yes, she will, but that is not the worst thing. Your girlfriend has a human life in there, and aborting it would be committing murder of an innocent. You nor her want to be involved in murder.

There is no sin that is too great to be forgiven, but knowingly committing a sin you know for sure is wrong is very serious, and will put her and your soul in jeopardy. Lots of women die during abortion, and dying in such a state would put her soul in eternal peril.

Either accept the responsibility of raising the child, or give it up for adoption.

You must face the consequences of your actions, avoiding it will only bring trouble for you.
 
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Please do not let a doctor brutally murder a baby by dismembering it, crushing its skull, and turning it into a river of gore.

It is a particularly heinous crime, a very brutal form of murder.

Consider adopion.
 
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@wonderingwandering—Dude. First of all, good job on asking for help.

But think about this—that baby’s your responsibility, too. Saying that you believe it’s the woman’s choice is a nice way of ditching your responsibility to her and to your son or daughter.

You were part of it enough to do the sex, right?

Step up to the plate. It’s your turn to bat. Now.
 
OK, I understand that. I just suggest that to the OP so that they can examine that as an option and to see if that can be possible. I will not go into discussion on this because each experience can be very individual and unique.

If there is enough ground for them to marry, then why not. In Asian practice, arrange marriages are not uncommon. They often work because of the mentality and the culture that suit them to make such marriages work in their countries.
 
I wanted to say that too. The baby in the womb is their child. He/she is a human being that has a body, a head, limbs, brain, liver, kidneys, heart, stomach, etc. He/she can think, talk, laugh an cry when the time comes; and even has a soul. Closer to home, the baby is their own flesh and blood. How could parents allow such beautiful human being then to be murdered and cruelly too by the abortionist?

Please OP, saves your child by all the power on you as a dad to defend him/her. Do not allow abortion.
 
I would strongly recommend that if they decide to marry they wait until AFTER the baby is born. I have seen shotgun marriages and marriages between young parties (18-19). In most cases the marriages did not end well. ANYONE contemplating a shotgun wedding must consider what is holding the marriage together apart from the child. We hope it would never happen, but the reality is that infants and children do die on occasion. If nothing else, the time will come when the child grows up moves out. At that point, what is the motivation for continuing the marriage? Worse, if the marriage fails the child could feel at fault if the marriage only occurred because there was a baby on the way.
 
I am a Chinese living in Canada myself, so I understand that.
 
Any option where the child lives is the one that is preferable, abortion is murder, case closed.
 
The killing of the unborn is not a question of a woman’s body: amother human is not you.

It is murder. Do not commit it.

Adoption perhaps. Best thing to do is to be honest.
The family might not be as hard on her as she is thinking. But this is a great example how sin leads to more sin. (Premarital sex to abortion to presumption of forgiveness).

If you can’t at all take the responsibility for your acts, do consider adoption with a good agency. Perhaps speak with a local, devout priest.
 
ktmeyer said:
Marriage right now is probably not an option…the impending pregnancy can be considered a form of coercion and grounds for future annulment.
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Pope Francis wouldn’t give sacrament of matrimony when there is a baby already in the womb. That’s what he did when he was archbishop in Argentina. Let them live together raising the child, until they are ready to really marry.
 
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wonderingwandering said:
As you can imagine she is terrified of what her family will do/say. She has expressed that she will be a shame to her family for the rest of their life and hers.

In this situation, as you might imagine, two options come up. 1. Have the child and deal with the struggle that comes with the mistake that was made. 2. Have an abortion and deal with the mental struggle of having had an abortion.
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Do you think there will not be a greater “shame” involved if or when an abortion comes to light?
 
Do you think there will not be a greater “shame” involved if or when an abortion comes to light?
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You will be surprise with the Sino-thinking line, which can be expressed simply as: 家醜不可外傳. It was so bad that such concept is placed in consideration in the Legislative assembly of Hong Kong during discussion of social issues: 家醜不可外傳 - English translation – Linguee (scroll down to external source)
 
I’m pleased to announce the decision has been made to keep the baby.

Whether that means we raise the child together or put it up for adoption is still up for discussion and decision.

Thank you, for all of your thoughtful answers they were definitely influential in this decision.
 
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