Questions again... this time mainly about love

[hopeforfaith]

Ok, i know my grandparents are actually quite strict when it comes to dating. My grandma once said 'Don’t date until you’re in university," usually I just say ‘uh-huh’ but I don’t consider doing it. My parents seems to have no problem though, my dad would just say, ‘yeah she knows’ sounding a little annoyed. My mother seems to be encouraging me to know more boys and even make me consider them as a potential boyfriend.

And so now it comes to the point… I have a crush on a guy, and I don’t know if I continue liking him, or eventually go out with him, I would be doing something against something like the commandments. I did ask God to send me some signs… but it was confusing. He doesn’t send me a positive sign, but when I like pray ‘please don’t let me dream about (his name)’ and then I ended up dreaming about him. And when I don’t pray about it, I end up not dreaming about him.

The second question is that, I think if you’ve been following my posts, you should know I was dealing with something liking a girl. Thank God I am almost over it, I mean her. But sometimes I get so nervous like ‘ok, don’t blush, don’t…’ and so on that made me very nervous and ending up being very tired of this mentally. And to make things worse, there is always this little voice inside my head saying ‘you like her’ or something like that the makes me worried and confused. But all the signs are saying that I don’t. Because if I have a crush on someone, I know. Like the guy.

So… any advice?

 

[Totterman]

God bless You.
You gave the ansver Yourself,if You feel the way You feel,then he is the one You want,for now. Years will come,and years will past,and You will grove up,find the one who will be Your husband,to love and to hold on,the father of Your children,and sometime You will remember this guy,and many moore,and those memories are Your tresure and Your past. Do what Your heart say,and go whit that,and remeber,You are still young,and there is a lot of things in front of You,and some day they will be behind You,but the first real love,that You will never forget. And the other thing You asked,it will past,that is normal when You are Young,and since You have a crush on this boy,I would not be worried,but I have a thing I teach people to do,if they are thinking of doing something wrong,or stupid,every time You think of doing a thing You know is wrong,say Hail Mary’s until You don’t think about the other thing anymoore,for me one or two are enough,but say as many as You need. Take care,Totterman

 

[hopeforfaith]

Thanks Totterman. Your advice made me feel loads better! =] Actually I don’t know if the guy likes me back, I hope he does…

 

[Cat]

“Asking God for a sign” is not the way to find a husband.

You have to get to know the men that you are interested in.

Right now you have a crush on a “body”, a man that you see only, but don’t know at all. That’s not going to work. Perhaps he’s very nice and Christian and interested in all the things you are interested in, and just perfect for you. But he might be really rude and a non-believer and totally uninterested in everything you are interested in and totally unsuited for you as a marriage partner.

Sweetheart, you HAVE to get to know him! And that means dating him, or at least talking with him whenever the opportunity presents itself.

If you feel that you must obey your grandparents and not date while you are in university, then you should not look at ANY men during your college days. I’m serious about this.

I personally think that’s unrealistic and rather foolish of your grandparents to put such severe restrictions on you. But I am not the one that God has placed in authority over you. It sounds like your grandparents are in authority, and you should obey them, even if their commandment is unrealistic and foolish. Obedience to authority will be honored by God and He will eventually lead you to a man who will love you and you can love.

But if I were you, I would talk to your grandparents and ask them to please ease up on the restrictions about dating, as there is no other way for you to get to know men, date various men, and learn which man is good “husband” material.

If they say no, there’s an end to it. You’ll just have to wait to get to know men until you are emancipated from your grandparents and out on your own and supporting yourself.

If I were you, I would ask your grandparents if you can get to know this man through casual dating–coffee, lunch at the university cafeteria, etc. And tell them that if things seems to be going well, you would like to bring him to their house, or have them meet him, too.

Again, if they say no, there’s an end to it. Don’t disobey them. That’s a very poor start for a relationship with a man.

Again, let me repeat that I think your grandparents are wrong about this. But perhaps they have reason for the strict laws that I don’t know about. Perhaps there is a family history of women behaving foolishly with men and getting into trouble. Perhaps your grandparents have seen traits in you that have led them to make this very strict and confining rule.

If you believe that they have made the rule unfairly, perhaps you could speak with another (older) female relative in the family (an aunt?) and ask her to intercede with your grandparents and ask them to ease up on the rule.

But again, don’t deliberately disobey them.

Many men seem very appealing from a distance (that’s why we get crushes on movie stars). But it may be that when you actually meet him and talk with him, he will be the biggest loser you’ve ever met! But you HAVE to get to know him.

God has already given you a “sign.” That sign is the various social methods of getting to know men that are already established in our modern culture, mainly asking someone if they would like to spend some time together (dating).

 

[dconklin]

Not knowing what your relationship is with your grandparents, it is hard us to know how to answer. I am the father of a young teen. She has not started dating yet, but she does tell us about boys she “likes”. Her mother and I have no problem with her talking to them - she is far to young to go out on a date. My wife’s parents live near-by and would never put restrictions on her. It is one thing for a grandmother to say or suggest don’t date until you are in high school and a total different thing for her to not allow you.

As far as breaking a commandment, I don’t see it. Have sex with the guy, yes - #6. Date against your grandmother’s wishes/ideas, not really. #4 is honor your mother and father. He gave you to them - not your grandparents - unless your grandparents adopted you.

If you know a guy and have a crush on him, that is not a sin. God made us attracted to each other so their would be a reason/cause to meet. I bet there will be many guys in your life. God will let you know. You may break up with a few before you find the right one.

 

[St_Francis]

OK, I’m a little confused, first you liked a girl, and now you have a crush on a guy? Was that a typo?

Anyway, my advice is different. I told my children not to date until they were in a position to marry. People get more involved than they are able to handle outside of marriage, they are continually putting themselves in temptation’s way, and the end result is they learn bad habits of leaving someone when things get rough or when someone doesn’t make them happy, etc.

My children have friends of both sexes, they are allowed to go out in groups of people, etc. But dating is a strange institution: two people go off on their own (temptation!!!), they are on their best behavior (can you really get to know someone that way?), there is an assumption beyond the first few dates that they are getting serious, it’s just a mess.

All too many people get way too over-committed, physically and emotionally, as a result of our current set-up. Look at your friends and slightly older relatives who date. How’s that working out? Are they miserable over a break-up? Has that happened more than once or twice? Why put yourself into that situation? Look at all the girls who have babies when they are young and single, or worse yet, who have abortions.

Listen to your grandmother, she knows what she is talking about.

 

[Trinity117]

I suspect that once you get to know this guy better, it will be much easier to discern if you “like” him or not. We are attracted to people physically, based on looks; a nice smile, pretty eyes, etc. But I agree with Cat, you will have to know him better in order to determine whether his ‘inside’ is attractive to you as well.

As for the dating thing, well, that is up to your family. . . I am afraid that is the rule in my house, as well! (I have a young daughter) I would assume that your family will give you the rules for dating when they feel the time is right and I am sure you have a pretty good idea of what is and is not sinful behavior!

Good luck with your young man!

Pax

 

[cmscms]

I too am confused about you first liking a guy then liking a girl. Are you worried you may be a homosexual ? (sorry if that came off as rude)

I also am confused as to why you are listening to your grandparents? Are they your legal guardian? If they aren’t and you live with your parents then there are serious boundary issue to look at.

I can understand a parent not wanting a child to start dating to young. But… dating can have very different definitions. For example ‘car dating’ can easily lead to ‘parking’ and premarital sex. Dating can mean ‘we are exclusive and call each other everyday’. A date could be two mom’s meeting for lunch to do girl talk and there is no romantic interest.

My definition of OK dating for a teenager is meeting in a public place for a specific activity. IE going bowling and shaking hands good bye at the bowling alley and each person making their own way home. Or going to Mc Donalds and ending the date before 9pm. That is a good way to get to know someone.

if your grandparents are your legal guardian, I would suggest finding out what their definition of dating is

CM

 

[hopeforfaith]

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the comments. I would answer a few of your questions.

My grandparents don’t live with me, adopted me, or is my legal guardian. As for not allowing me to date… I don’t remember that they have ever specified this very clearly. But it IS a tradition in my country that thinks the later you date, the better… at least I think so. It’s quite traditional, and seeing that my grandparents are born in the time when everything’s not so open-minded, I think they have a reason for saying that. Me and my grandparents are quite close, and that’s about it, really. But I don’t really see my father and mother objecting to me dating…

And as for liking a girl… I am not homosexual. It is just that I’m confused… being at a girl school for so long, I mean. But I have already stopped a lot of that already after learning that’s wrong.

So… anything to add?