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Terra_Rosarum
Guest
Especially when they’re still living at home–do you keep asking them to go to Mass? Or do you “let go and let God” and just keep praying for them?
Questions for parents of young adults who have stopped going to Sunday Mass
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Catholic1954
Guest
Your house, your rules. If going to Mass is a condition for living there, they can comply or move out. You have no responsibility for children over 18; they are considered adults and entitled to make their own decisions and mistakes, good, bad or stupid.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Did you ask them why they aren’t going? It does make a difference. Be gentle, treat them like adults, but you can ask. If they are still believers, encourage them to make it a priority. If they find your parish unacceptable for some reason, encourage them to attend a different one, but to still go.
As for whether you and your spouse have a policy of “as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Jos 24:15), that is up to you. You may certainly tell your children that if they are old enough to decide not to follow the faith of their parents, they are old enough to keep their own household, but that depends on you.
I don’t question the value of asking for opinions from those who will never know if you ignore their advice or not, but only remind you that it is not a good idea for anyone outside your family to overrule your sense of how you answer the question you are asking. We can only help by giving you things to consider and questions to ask yourself. It is your relationship with your children and your sense of what your integrity requires that counts, not what anyone else says.
As for whether you and your spouse have a policy of “as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Jos 24:15), that is up to you. You may certainly tell your children that if they are old enough to decide not to follow the faith of their parents, they are old enough to keep their own household, but that depends on you.
I don’t question the value of asking for opinions from those who will never know if you ignore their advice or not, but only remind you that it is not a good idea for anyone outside your family to overrule your sense of how you answer the question you are asking. We can only help by giving you things to consider and questions to ask yourself. It is your relationship with your children and your sense of what your integrity requires that counts, not what anyone else says.
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Trident_H
Guest
I’d just turn the tables a bit. I wouldn’t make a big deal. But I’d definitely start doing something special after Mass. Go out for breakfast. Go grab a treat. Dive into something fun. And then every week just ask them if they’re coming.
Definitely no heavy preaching on this. Just quiet patience. And prayer. And hope.
Sometimes people need to be away from what they’ve come to take for granted. Just so they can appreciate it all the more later. When they see the contrast in their lives. The contrast of not having that anymore.
Peace Rosarum.
-Trident
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jmcrae
Guest
At our house, the rule has always been that on Sunday morning, you go to Church.
My husband even enforces this when someone has already been to Mass the previous evening. Sunday morning, from his point of view, is sacred, and you go to Church even if you already went this weekend.
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pianistclare
Guest
How old are we talking?
You said “young adults”.
You said “young adults”.
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sesenena
Guest
I understand your pain, my brother stopped going to church when he was 16 and he hasn’t gone ever since. My parents were sad but never forced him to go. I don’t know what is the best choice, you know your son: if you believe that forcing/asking him to go to Mass would be what he needs to start going on his own agaín, do it! If you believe that forcing him to go would make him angry or make him even more determined to not go, let it go, maybe do what other commenter said: plan a special activity (maybe something he likes) after Mass. I really hope that your son will return to God soon! Don’t loose hope!
God bless!
God bless!
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Terra_Rosarum
Guest
I have a 26 year old son and a 24 year old daughter. We sent them to Catholic grammar and high schools. They used to go to Mass on their own, but just decided to quit. They don’t want to hear me talk to them about it any more. All I can do is pray.
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Trident_H
Guest
Ah. Yeah that’s a hard thing. But I mean just stay true on your path with them. Keep praying. And stay faithful. And keep the door open on that. But yeah. Don’t bring it up. Love them where they’re at. That’s got to speak for you.
Peace Terra Rosarum.
-Trident
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hazcompat
Guest
Evangelize by example. Be gentle. Remember it is the Holy Spirit, not you, that will accomplish what you desire. Love like Our Father. Never lose hope.
Peace
Peace
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acadiANNA
Guest
We have too many people to pray for, we can’t miss, is a reason I once gave that worked. And I learned in Catechism that 1 hour for God out of the 7 days he’s giving us is not too much. Honor God in this life so when you face him, he will not say I don’t know you. I am reading the book Praying for our Sons and Daughters by John and Therese Boucher. Sub-title: Placing Them in the Heart of God. You will benefit from reading this book no matter what age your children are. Excerpt: The Grace of Spiritual Adoption: We are never more like Christ than when we are praying for others. Intercession is laying down our life for our friend; it is bearing another’s burden; it is sharing in the suffering of Christ. The work of redemption…is the work of intercession. Jesus is interceding, the Holy Spirit is interceding, and we are interceding. Sometimes God calls us to pray for someone else’s son or daughter in a more intense way, perhaps because of some special circumstance. Therefore, I will pray for your son and daughter.
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Neofight
Guest
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Gordon_Sims
Guest
When our son was still living here, my rule was that if he was at home when we went, he went with us. Going to anything afterward was also contingent on going to Mass (we had several instances where he “got held over at work” and got home just after we left for Mass then expected to go to breakfast, etc. with us after). I reminded him occasionally of the “my house, my rules” statute, but after a while he decided that complying was the easiest path.
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Trident_H
Guest
Originally Posted by Trident H forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_khaki/viewpost.gif
Ah. Yeah that’s a hard thing. But I mean just stay true on your path with them. Keep praying. And stay faithful. And keep the door open on that.
Good advice
But yeah. Don’t bring it up. Love them where they’re at. That’s got to speak for you.
**Not so good advice
The salvation of children is the primary mission of parents given by God.
Not “bringing it up” is 60s psycho babble and not responsible Christian parenting.
Would you not hold an intervention if your kids were addicted to drugs, rather than just “love them where they are at”?
We should no more allow our kids to face the second death when they are judged by God anymore than failing to keep them safe in this life.
Ok Neofight. I see we’re doing this again. This red talking to me. So now I’m blue talking back. I guess we’ll just roll with this that way.
So here’s the deal Neo. And I mean I think you’ve got a good direction in this. I mean I think you mean well here. But the problem is that in dealing with people who’re turned off their faith. With those kinds of people. Well they’re already sort of facing away from you. They’ve already turned their back that way. So running up and pushing them more. Well that only sends them in one direction. Away from you. No psycho babble needed.
See the problem is a bit about the place in the world where we’re at. I think in the 50s maybe someone would have been pretty much on the outside of things by abandoning their faith. But today they’ve got a pretty big group to hang out with. So constantly bringing the difference home to them makes you the bad guy. The one to avoid. And if you’re the one to avoid. If every conversation with you is awkward and groan-inducing. Well then you’re less able to show the good examples of what it means to be a real Christian. The positives. The gentle nudges. The quiet kindness. The peace of it all.
Because that’s the contrast they need to see. They need to realize that when they’re out there. In the sterile uncaring world apart from religion. That coming home to you is a positive change. Not an uncomfortable guilt-trip. Returning to church out of guilt is not the same as coming back out of love. Just sitting in the pew to quiet someone else is not a true turn-around. The heart’s dead in that. It’s a kind of defeat in a way.
And as for drug use. Yeah. You nailed it. It’s intervention time. At first. But after that guy’s been using long enough. And has crossed enough lines. It’s time to let him go. So that he can really hit that ground he’s aiming for. So that he can finally wake up and have no other choice in things. Because too much intervention can also push off that moment of clarity. It can keep him afoot longer than he should’ve been. So there’s a balance in that. Like in all things.
I mean the first few times there’s push-back on going to church. The first time there’s resistance. Sure. Don’t be a push-over there. But once it becomes a set thing. Once the mind’s been decided. Well there’s no point in cementing things. You need to allow for a bit of bounce. Let them fall a bit. Let them lie there on the floor. Cold and uncomfortable. Don’t be in a hurry to jump on top of them when they’re already on the ground. Because you might end up pinning them there. Instead of letting them help themselves up. Instead of letting them slowly get back up. And stand stronger for the experience. To have learned how to brace themselves so they don’t fall so easily the next time.
Peace Neofight. Thanks for your understanding in this. Thanks for dealing fairly on this score.
-Trident
**
Ah. Yeah that’s a hard thing. But I mean just stay true on your path with them. Keep praying. And stay faithful. And keep the door open on that.
Good advice
But yeah. Don’t bring it up. Love them where they’re at. That’s got to speak for you.
**Not so good advice
The salvation of children is the primary mission of parents given by God.
Not “bringing it up” is 60s psycho babble and not responsible Christian parenting.
Would you not hold an intervention if your kids were addicted to drugs, rather than just “love them where they are at”?
We should no more allow our kids to face the second death when they are judged by God anymore than failing to keep them safe in this life.
Ok Neofight. I see we’re doing this again. This red talking to me. So now I’m blue talking back. I guess we’ll just roll with this that way.
So here’s the deal Neo. And I mean I think you’ve got a good direction in this. I mean I think you mean well here. But the problem is that in dealing with people who’re turned off their faith. With those kinds of people. Well they’re already sort of facing away from you. They’ve already turned their back that way. So running up and pushing them more. Well that only sends them in one direction. Away from you. No psycho babble needed.
See the problem is a bit about the place in the world where we’re at. I think in the 50s maybe someone would have been pretty much on the outside of things by abandoning their faith. But today they’ve got a pretty big group to hang out with. So constantly bringing the difference home to them makes you the bad guy. The one to avoid. And if you’re the one to avoid. If every conversation with you is awkward and groan-inducing. Well then you’re less able to show the good examples of what it means to be a real Christian. The positives. The gentle nudges. The quiet kindness. The peace of it all.
Because that’s the contrast they need to see. They need to realize that when they’re out there. In the sterile uncaring world apart from religion. That coming home to you is a positive change. Not an uncomfortable guilt-trip. Returning to church out of guilt is not the same as coming back out of love. Just sitting in the pew to quiet someone else is not a true turn-around. The heart’s dead in that. It’s a kind of defeat in a way.
And as for drug use. Yeah. You nailed it. It’s intervention time. At first. But after that guy’s been using long enough. And has crossed enough lines. It’s time to let him go. So that he can really hit that ground he’s aiming for. So that he can finally wake up and have no other choice in things. Because too much intervention can also push off that moment of clarity. It can keep him afoot longer than he should’ve been. So there’s a balance in that. Like in all things.
I mean the first few times there’s push-back on going to church. The first time there’s resistance. Sure. Don’t be a push-over there. But once it becomes a set thing. Once the mind’s been decided. Well there’s no point in cementing things. You need to allow for a bit of bounce. Let them fall a bit. Let them lie there on the floor. Cold and uncomfortable. Don’t be in a hurry to jump on top of them when they’re already on the ground. Because you might end up pinning them there. Instead of letting them help themselves up. Instead of letting them slowly get back up. And stand stronger for the experience. To have learned how to brace themselves so they don’t fall so easily the next time.
Peace Neofight. Thanks for your understanding in this. Thanks for dealing fairly on this score.
-Trident
**
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Terra_Rosarum
Guest
Thank you for all your supportive and positive comments, and prayers. All things are possible with God.
S
Sugabee43
Guest
This is a very delicate and sticky situation. I’m dealing with it first-hand with my own sons.
Son #1 is 19 1/2; still at home. He’s refused to attend Mass since he was 16. He has been our most difficult to parent- running away when disciplined; drug/alcohol use; brushes with the law as a juvenile. He graduated on time in HS with a decent GPA (3.0); probably could have been accepted at most colleges but refused to take the SAT/ACT. Chemistry was so easy for him that he made A’s but never cracked a book (and partied on top of it). Since graduation, he’s worked as a plumber’s assistant (worked hard; earned good money but spent it all partying), and a pool manager (same result). Now is trying to get another job and/or apply to earn a Medical Tech Asst. certification, but is still just drifting. He knows that he’s always welcome to come with us, but always says no. When we eat together, he joins in prayer but I doubt he is actually engaged. He pays a minimal rent and the cost of his phone, and does chores around the house.
Son #2 is almost 18 and a senior in HS. Good grades; compliant (mostly). Has been accepted at a nearby (4 hours away) university. He refused to go to youth group and CCE beginning in 7th grade; we allowed him to go with a Methodist friend just so he would have SOME type of fellowship with Christians. He started questioning why he couldn’t just go to church with his buddy instead of Mass with us whenever he spent Sat. nights with him; we said he was more than welcome to go with his friend as long as he came to Mass with us as well. Now, he comes to Mass with us but barely participates; he does it only out of respect for us, I guess. He still receives Holy Communion, and I’ve struggled with whether to say anything. But I feel like at least he’s getting some Graces by receiving, and if I were to tell him not to receive I think it would just lead him to reason, “then why go at all?”.
Son #3 is 15 and in 9th grade (late birthday). He still attends youth group and CCE. He enjoys youth group but hates CCE- says it’s boring. He’s gone to LifeTeen summer camp the last 3 summers and has enjoyed it. At this point, it looks like he’s the only one who will even be confirmed. He’s the easiest to parent- helpful; communicative; affectionate.
To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement. I’m a convert, and I love my Catholic faith. Part of this has been the terrible example that the oldest has been- there was NO way we could have “forced” him to go to Mass at 16. He basically said, “I won’t go, and you can’t make me”; and believe me, we tried- door off the hinges; privileges taken away; everything. All it did was make him dig his heels in even more and run away. St. Monica and I are bffs!! I pray and offer every Mass for the conversion of my children.
So the short version of this is to say that every child is different, even within families. The same approach won’t work with each child. You have to speak THEIR language, and then at some point realize that they have free will and will make choices you don’t agree with or that break your heart.
Son #1 is 19 1/2; still at home. He’s refused to attend Mass since he was 16. He has been our most difficult to parent- running away when disciplined; drug/alcohol use; brushes with the law as a juvenile. He graduated on time in HS with a decent GPA (3.0); probably could have been accepted at most colleges but refused to take the SAT/ACT. Chemistry was so easy for him that he made A’s but never cracked a book (and partied on top of it). Since graduation, he’s worked as a plumber’s assistant (worked hard; earned good money but spent it all partying), and a pool manager (same result). Now is trying to get another job and/or apply to earn a Medical Tech Asst. certification, but is still just drifting. He knows that he’s always welcome to come with us, but always says no. When we eat together, he joins in prayer but I doubt he is actually engaged. He pays a minimal rent and the cost of his phone, and does chores around the house.
Son #2 is almost 18 and a senior in HS. Good grades; compliant (mostly). Has been accepted at a nearby (4 hours away) university. He refused to go to youth group and CCE beginning in 7th grade; we allowed him to go with a Methodist friend just so he would have SOME type of fellowship with Christians. He started questioning why he couldn’t just go to church with his buddy instead of Mass with us whenever he spent Sat. nights with him; we said he was more than welcome to go with his friend as long as he came to Mass with us as well. Now, he comes to Mass with us but barely participates; he does it only out of respect for us, I guess. He still receives Holy Communion, and I’ve struggled with whether to say anything. But I feel like at least he’s getting some Graces by receiving, and if I were to tell him not to receive I think it would just lead him to reason, “then why go at all?”.
Son #3 is 15 and in 9th grade (late birthday). He still attends youth group and CCE. He enjoys youth group but hates CCE- says it’s boring. He’s gone to LifeTeen summer camp the last 3 summers and has enjoyed it. At this point, it looks like he’s the only one who will even be confirmed. He’s the easiest to parent- helpful; communicative; affectionate.
To say that I’m disappointed is an understatement. I’m a convert, and I love my Catholic faith. Part of this has been the terrible example that the oldest has been- there was NO way we could have “forced” him to go to Mass at 16. He basically said, “I won’t go, and you can’t make me”; and believe me, we tried- door off the hinges; privileges taken away; everything. All it did was make him dig his heels in even more and run away. St. Monica and I are bffs!! I pray and offer every Mass for the conversion of my children.
So the short version of this is to say that every child is different, even within families. The same approach won’t work with each child. You have to speak THEIR language, and then at some point realize that they have free will and will make choices you don’t agree with or that break your heart.
- Status