Questions on Heart Behavior?

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Robster

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This is a personal issue. Thank you for reading and commenting on this.

A little over two and a half years ago I met this person. I fell in love with this person immediately. I never told this person how I felt or anyone because I thought in my head that this was just a crush. I thought that maybe it was just simple attraction. I told myself time and time again to suck it up and move on for the fact that she was involved in another relationship. Till this day those feelings have escalated and I continue to think about her continuously knowing that there is no hope in a relationship between us. I feel for someone that will never reciprocate those feelings, but yet my heart will not let it go. For over two and a half years I have been lying emotionally to this person and it has become so difficult that I have stopped putting myself in situations that I will encounter an apperance with her. I have always been nice to her and have never hinted my feelings towards her. This problem is something I cannot seem to fix. I have talked with priests that have told me to tell her in the idea that it will solve the hope issue, but I have no hope in this situation so therefore it’s idiotic to tell her. I weigh my options: either tell her and be hurt or not tell her and be hurt…where in lies the point…is there a middle option I have not found yet? I have a pretty good back ground of mental strength, but to tell her would be selfish. To burden her with my feeling would be selfish. I just want free from this curse. All I want is freedom.

Your opinions are most welcome. Thank you!
 
Wow, that is a really tough situation. I had a situation that was kind of similar to yours. I fell in love with a guy who was called to priesthood. I ended up telling him not because I wanted him to love me back, but because he is a very close friend and I wanted to be honest. We are very good friends to this day and he is entering smeinary next year! I am so happy for him, but I believe that I gained my acceptance from daily prayer.

As for your situation, all I would really tell you to do is pray. Pray every night to find peace and for the woman you love to be happy. This is a prayer I said every day sometimes up to four times a day when things were hard…
God, Grant me the serinity to accept the things I can not change,the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference- Amen

If you really feel like you need to tell her how you feel(and it wouldn’t be idiotic), do it because you care about her and want to be honest. If she’s a real friend(and it sounds like she is) then she will understand. I don’t think it is ever selfish to tell someone how you feel, you can’t change how you feel. You didn’t ask to feel that way. And it’s not like you would tell her with the intent to break up her current relationship. I feel that the truth will set you free. Just a suggestion.

The right person is out there for you, just keep looking! God has a plan for you. Stay strong in your faith.

You’re in my prayers,
Rachel
 
Love may not speak at all times, but it is never dishonest.

Affection and desire are not a curse. The curse is the effect of sin upon our hearts such that our desires are out of control.

The middle option is annoyingly simple (but probably not easy). It is this: to pray. Not to merely “pray about the situation”, for that can be just worrying under the appearance of prayer, but to pray for specific things: that God will give you a stronger, more genuine love for this person, that he will bless her and protect her, and that she will come to love him more and more everyday. A true love for her will help you be able to let go of her, because true love is focused on the good of the other, not one’s own personal gain.

To be even more daring in your prayers, ask God to bless the relationship she is currently in.
 
I pray all the time about this. I go to confession almost two times a week because of this. I have started a journal devoted to this, because It seems to be a good outlet. I continue to pray for her as well as pray for myself to be happy for her. I continue to pray for a different distraction, to give my mind and immune system a break. I try to think of my future wife and what I can do to better myself for when I meet her. I try to distract myself with other relationships. It is so hard when I go to sleep trying to control my thoughts, but end up dreaming about her anyway. Then to wake up to reality is such a tease and annoying routine that seems to never end. It’s almost as if I cannot get over this obstacle with out creating some terrible scare in the process. I continue to be patient and wait, but this is rediculious. She is so incredibly beautiful to me in everything she does…why can I not create a situation in which I can forget about her? She is a human being for crying out loud! She is no God! Why is this so difficult!
 
Is she by chance an older woman…maybe the mother of a friend and that is why she is “unreachable”?
~ Kathy ~
 
well you cannot control your feelings no matter how hard you try…this you already know!

i would tell her how you feel. by not doing anything things will continue the way they are now but if you tell her things will change. my opinion is that you need the situation to change whether it be good or bad at least it wont be what you have now!

plus you will feel better once you have unloaded this burden. its not selfish to share your feelings with another, it is selfish to keep them to yourself!
 
Is she by chance an older woman…maybe the mother of a friend and that is why she is “unreachable”?
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She is a year older than me. I am 22 and she is 23. She is unreachable do to the fact that her feelings are for someone else other than me.
 
Just talk to her then. It is actually unfair to her to not do that, as you are in effect holding on to a virtual relationship with her without her knowledge.
 
It is actually unfair to her to not do that, as you are in effect holding on to a virtual relationship with her without her knowledge.
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It’s not something that I want to hold on to. I would rather not have these feelings at all. I know all of her friends and she knows all of mine. I know her parents well and her boyfriend rather well. If I tell her I risk losing all of this. I will feel uncomfortable with them in any situation and I will end up secluding myself from them. This is how it has always happened in the past and I feel that I will dead end into this again if I go down the same road. It’s inevitable that I will never feel comfortable around her if I tell her. She will know what I am feeling and probably see right through me, I am affraid of that insecurity.
 
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Robster:
I have talked with priests that have told me to tell her in the idea that it will solve the hope issue, but I have no hope in this situation so therefore it’s idiotic to tell her.

Your opinions are most welcome. Thank you!
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In my humble opinion I see that you have spoken about this to a number of Priests. You also say that they have given you the same advice. I would go with that my friend. They are seldom wrong especially if it has been a number of Priests who have given the same advice.
 
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Robster:
She is so incredibly beautiful to me in everything she does…why can I not create a situation in which I can forget about her? She is a human being for crying out loud! She is no God! Why is this so difficult!
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For some reason, this part of your statement really stuck out.

Then I realized it’s because it sounds as if you have very unrealistic expectations about this girl. You’re right that she is not God, she is not perfect. But do you sometimes envision the two of you in a relationship? If you do, I bet you imagine it’s all rosy and perfect.

I have a feeling that if you actually do get into a relationship with her, the reality will never live up to the expectations you’ve already created, and that would be a disaster for both of you.
 
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Robster:
She is a year older than me. I am 22 and she is 23. She is unreachable do to the fact that her feelings are for someone else other than me.
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Then let her go. She belongs to someone else.
Kathy
 
Hi Robster 👍

I really sympathise with you in this situation and you seem to be genuinely doing what you can to solve the problem.

Just a couple of thoughts/suggestions:

(a) it sounds like you may need to move away from the situation for a while, just to give yourself a bit of a break. I know that you now try not to put yourself in situations where you will see her. How is this working, is it easier when you don’t see her as much? How about moving away from the situation altogether for a while, say take 6 months out and go on the Missions perhaps…or even for a summer? Going out on the Missions (as I personally found out) often has a way of changing your perspective and giving you back a bit of balance. I don’t advocate running away from the situation but sometimes you need to give yourself a bit of a breather particularly if you go and do something worthwhile that will help you put this more in perspective.

(b) if this is not possible and you really feel that you can’t/shouldn’t tell her how you feel, I think you need to be strict with yourself in terms of your thoughts. I know, believe me I know, this is not easy. But I would suggest that you really make heroic efforts to replace thoughts of her with thoughts of …anything else …when they pop into your head… and keep on trying. Over time it would hopefully get easier.

(c) I remember someone telling me that situations where we love somebody who does not return that love are times of purification for our souls. This is your cross at the moment, although of course this shouldn’t stop you taking steps to alleviate the problem where you can.

(d) I would agree with Kay Cee that you may see this girl through rose coloured glasses and perhaps the reality of dating her would not live up to what you expect it to be now. Be conscious of her faults too and look at her in a real way, warts and all. You seem to be doing this but maybe focus a teeny bit more on the warts…just for a while!

(e) I do believe that there is a time and a place for expressing your feelings to someone, and I don’t believe that a person should always disclose their feelings. Do listen to priests that you trust and feed their (name removed by moderator)ut into your own reasoning process, but ultimately make your decision based on your own honest appraisal of the situation after prayer.

(f) you are praying which is the most important thing. I am sure that this prayer, which I’m sure is prayer from the gut, is strengthening you and you will look back on this time in the future as being a time of great spiritual growth…which is ultimately what’s most important, we need to keep the eternal picture in mind…

I will keep you in my prayers. I know it is not easy, I really feel for you in this situation.

God bless.
 
GirlfromIreland really had some good things to say about this.

I agree with most everything she wrote, but feel like I might add a little to it.

If you have this feeling, there is a reason for it. It’s one thing to have a crush on someone who doesn’t return the feelings…it’s quite another to not be able to get rid of feelings for someone after trying for 2+years and never even trying to tell her about them to have a chance to find out if she might actually feel the same way!

You say you would be selfish to tell her about this, I say you might be being selfish not telling her about this! It would be better to tell her now than still be feeling this way after she’s married. Just stop for a minute and try to see it from her perspective…What if she also has had these feelings for you , but assumes that she’s not your type because you’ve never let on that you might think of her as anything more than a friend.

These superhero types always get me. You have to love them because they’re doing the admirable thing, but at the same time you want to shake the daylights out of them because they would only have to do so little and they could be happy. For some reason they’re never allowed to be happy. Yes I’m referring to you as a superhero. I’ll call you Spidy from now on 🙂

I’ll pray for you. Pray that God shows you His plan for your life, so you can stop living in this limbo state. It’s hard to say why God allows some things to happen. Why you havn’t been able to rid yourself of these feelings for her. Maybe it’s because there is still some unfinished business with her that you need to work through to help you along in God’s path for your life, Maybe it’s because you are supposed to be with her. Maybe like someone else said, this is your cross to bear right now. Finding your way through this heartache may bring about some sort of tremendous good in your life, I know it might be hard to imagine that now, but God can always bring Good out of suffering.

I feel for you, and truly hope you find your way.
 
I have thought many times about what I would say to her if I was ever given the oppurtunity. If God gave me a sign that made it clear as daylight that this was what I should do, I would not hesitate. Since I have not seen that sign, my biggest fear is the recoil from past experience. I have gained so much through this women. So many friends and memories that will last for the rest of my life. Her parents have been huge spiritual advisors in my growing faith life, but to lose all of this and more is something I don’t think I can face.
It would be better to tell her now than still be feeling this way after she’s married. Just stop for a minute and try to see it from her perspective…What if she also has had these feelings for you , but assumes that she’s not your type because you’ve never let on that you might think of her as anything more than a friend.
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I have thought about this many times, but I realize that for me to think that way is only hope trying to find it’s way back into the situation.
Be conscious of her faults too and look at her in a real way, warts and all. You seem to be doing this but maybe focus a teeny bit more on the warts…just for a while!
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I have tried the worst case scenario and I’m still stumped when the rose pedals are still flourishing. What is it about someones personality that makes them seem so incredible. For someone to pass the worst case scenario test and still have the I’m so beautiful effect is considered a curse to me.
 
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Robster:
I have thought many times about what I would say to her if I was ever given the oppurtunity. If God gave me a sign that made it clear as daylight that this was what I should do, I would not hesitate. .
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Spidy,

If only more people could be like you! I sincerely hope that things work out for you. One thing you could be sure of, with an outlook on life like this, God will take care of you. Stay on this forum. It is a wonderful place for encouragement, love, and knowledge. I’ll continue to pray for you.

God bless you!
 
Hi, Robster,

I have a couple of observations, for what they’re worth. I do wish you all the best, and hope this doesn’t come across too cold:

It sounds to me like you’re addicted to being infatuated with this girl. Constantly talking to priests about her, keeping a journal about her, writing hundreds of strangers on a forum about her are not signs of letting go…they are signs of actively fueling the fire. I do believe you when you say you wish you could get a clear answer on this question, but I don’t believe you want to let the matter drop at all --the whole exquisite agony of it sounds quite intoxicating.

As a young women who was approached twice (before meeting my husband) by men who said they had harbored similar yearnings for me for years without telling me…I have to say your whole problem, while somewhat sympathetic, is also wearisome. My reaction to them: why weren’t you man enough to tell me earlier (I asked this in curiosity). I wasn’t dismayed by the fact that they could see I was in love with someone else; I was dismayed that they couldn’t pull themselves together enough to either let me know or let things go.

My question to you is similar, but I’m also puzzled: why do you want to be with someone who apparently does not want to be with you? The real girl, not the one in your imagination, has a life and feelings that do not include you. The girl in your imagination…probably does not exist.

The risk you run by carrying on this extended internal dialogue of yearning is completely losing track of who the real object of your affection actually is. When one of the men I mentioned above decided to reveal his true feelings for me, he quit his job and drove across the country with all his belongings in a car to move back to my town. He FedExed an impassioned, 10 page letter ahead of himself, revealing all his pent up love, and his knowledge that we were supposed to be together at last. But his “love” had become such an obsessive internal head trip…he had no idea who I actually was any more. His reception, I have to say, was a cold one.

Gosh, I sound mean. I know this can’t be easy, but as that awfully crude saying goes, Rob, sh*t or get off…
 
Tell her. Please, tell her. All of the bad things that you listed (you’ll feel awkward around her and others, etc) are already the case for you as it is. Things won’t get worse if you tell, but they will get better; either that will be the act needed for you to move on, or you’ll find that she has feelings that she’s never expressed (I’ve seen it plenty of times). The right people will end up together in the end, but that can only happen if people are honest and tell others how they feel.

I’ve seen a lot of dilemmas posted on here with really tough choices, but this is one where the right answer is just really clear.
 
we’re praying for you, robster.

(my personal opinion: you should tell her. or else, as another poster said, keep your distance for awhile.)
 
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Robster:
If God gave me a sign that made it clear as daylight that this was what I should do, I would not hesitate.
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As I said before a number of Priests giving you the same advice is a very clear sign from God as to what you should do.

I would certainly follow it.
 
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