Questions on Heart Behavior?

[MarilynIN]

I think the approach is what will determine if the young woman is put-off by it or if she will come to understand your feelings and perhaps be able to reciprocate or help you maintain the underlying friendship while you work your way through it to a better understanding of her feelings and an acceptance of them so you can move on.

You don’t have to come straight out and say that you love her, but you can tell her you have had deep feelings for her for a long time and that you realize that she is in a relationship that is serious. By doing this you are validating your feelings while acknowledging your understanding of her relationship and feelings. You can tell her you value her friendship and yet you have felt the need to avoid her because of your unspoken feelings. Now you feel the need to tell her so you will know where you stand with her, yet you do not wish to lose the friendship with her that you value and as a friend you feel the need to share those feelings to work through it and preserve at least the friendship that has been blocked because of your avoidance of her.

By harboring an unrequited love, you stand in danger of distorting your perceptions and feelings for her. They may become so out of proportion to the actuality of her that you won’t be able to be receptive to meeting or becoming serious with someone else who may be the true soul mate of your life. One way or another, you are going to have to end this and move on so this truly doesn’t transform into an obsession.

 

[Robster]

It sounds to me like you’re addicted to being infatuated with this girl. Constantly talking to priests about her, keeping a journal about her, writing hundreds of strangers on a forum about her are not signs of letting go…they are signs of actively fueling the fire. I do believe you when you say you wish you could get a clear answer on this question, but I don’t believe you want to let the matter drop at all --the whole exquisite agony of it sounds quite intoxicating.

When you say this, it makes me feel pretty sick about myself. This may be some sort of addiction, but if it was I think I would know how to control it. I have three years left of college before I recieve my pilot slot with my guard unit. It’s going to be a long journey before I come close to settling down with a steady job. I can’t even see myself in a relationship; all the more reason to give up on this. But if it was that easy, I probably wouldn’t be talking to priests, writing journals, and writing on this discussion forum.

My question to you is similar, but I’m also puzzled: why do you want to be with someone who apparently does not want to be with you? The real girl, not the one in your imagination, has a life and feelings that do not include you. The girl in your imagination…probably does not exist.

She is not my imaginary friend. lol! I still see her about once a week, but I seclude myself from the friend that I have become to love so much. Trust me when I say I know who she truly is and can probably tell you word for word what she will say when I tell her how I feel. Don’t worry, I’m not going to pack up all my things hoping that when I see her, her response will be “I feel the same way”. I know this is not possible.

By harboring an unrequited love, you stand in danger of distorting your perceptions and feelings for her. They may become so out of proportion to the actuality of her that you won’t be able to be receptive to meeting or becoming serious with someone else who may be the true soul mate of your life.

I believe in this as well, although, I don’t think that I have thrown the person that she is out of proportion, but more of how I feel about that person. And I’m not sure how that happened except maybe because I was simply attracted to her in the beginning. I also believe that the right approach is something I should be concerned about. I don’t want it to be such a surprise but more of something to work up to. And by the time I tell her, maybe there will be some sort of friendship left to salvage before it’s over.

 

[tossolul]

I’m not saying it’s this way for everyone. Some people are simply infatuated with another, and can’t let that go. However, it doesn’t sound like that is what Rob is dealing with. This is something that I have dealt with also. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why I couldn’t let go of the feelings I had for this person, even after I was married with children. They never left me. I now realize the reason I wasn’t allowed to let them go was because God was the one who put this person in my life, (but it possibly wasn’t for the reason I originally thought it was). When it is God that puts someone in your life to help you along your path, you will remain attached to them- at least until whatever it is your supposed to accomplish together has been worked through.

Spidey- I highly suggest talking to this woman. It might do you both good.

 

[tossolul]

Robster:

. I have talked with priests that have told me to tell her in the idea that it will solve the hope issue, but I have no hope in this situation so therefore it’s idiotic to tell her. I weigh my options: either tell her and be hurt or not tell her and be hurt…where in lies the point.…is there a middle option I have not found yet?

Your opinions are most welcome. Thank you!

I might be pushing the opinions are welcome line, so I’ll try to sum my opinions up here in this last post- and leave you be.

It’s the bold that doesn’t make sense to me. How do you know you have no hope. Faith, hope, and love. It seems like you have the other two down pretty well, who’s to say the third isn’t taggin along for the ride? The middle option is this… I think you might be letting some sort of self conciousness get in the way here. It seems more that you think she will turn you down and so you havn’t given this the chance it deserves. Have faith in your love and hope will follow!

One last thing. Although you do seem to really have your morals straight, and seem to know how God wants people to live their lives better than all but maybe one person I’ve ever known- I have one last thing to add…Even the saints listen to their spiritual advisors (priests). They are obedient to them. Maybe this is what is missing, and why you can’t seem to resolve the feelings you have for her. You were told by several priests that you should talk to her.

I wish the best for you…

 

[Robster]

Have faith in your love and hope will follow

Nice!

The majority seem to have all said one thing in common; I should tell her. I believe this is what I am going to do, but it’s something I am not confident in enough to accomplish. I will have to wait, like I said before, until that oppurtunity arrises. I will continue to pray upon this delivery and pray for all of you who have helped me open my eyes to another decision. I just “hope” that if I do follow through with this, that it will disappear faster than it has prolonged. Thanks everyone for your comments, and keep me in your prayers. God Bless!

 

[Robster]

Whelp! It has been two months and I’m still waiting for this opportunity. I talked with another priest, but this time I was given the advice not to tell her. He actually knew who I was talking about and understood the situation a little better. He told me the best thing I can do is just to stay humble and pray for an explination to this situation. He said to try and figure out “what God is trying to teach me with this experience”. So I continue on my journey although things are going to be a little more rough now that I’m starting back to school. I hope that this will not be to much of a distraction. I ask you for your prayers once again. Thank you!

 

[Eliza10]

I suggest not telling her if you already know the situation is not a possible one. And you are obssessing, so you should address that. Its a waste of your mind and heart which should be loving God. Find a way to mortify your thoughts when you have them. Find a way to replace that love with a determined move toward increasing your love towards God - imploring Him to fill that hole in your heart instead.

The most powerful tools are the Eucharist and the daily rosary. Can you find a way to get to Daily Mass? If not, can you find local Adoration and make a weekly or more appointment that you always keep? Or say the daily rosary with devotion, and always keep your commitment to do it. I think if you do any of these things with the intention of growing closer to the Lord, asking Him to do the work in your heart to replace this fruitless obssession – which is a sinful one if she belongs to someone else (you didn’t say) – then God is faithful and you will overcome this. Its a heart issue, you are right, and thats right where He does his best work!

 

[Island_Oak]

Robster:

Having just read your thread on your roomate’s religious conversion, I am wondering if you expereince this unusual intensity with other relationships in your life. You seem to take things very personally and/or obsess about them. Have you spoken with anyone other than a priest about this? It sounds to me like there is something out of balance in the way you interpret your interpersonal relationships.

 

[tossolul]

Eliza10:

I suggest not telling her if you already know the situation is not a possible one. And you are obssessing, so you should address that. /QUOTE]

What if he lets her go, but there was more that was supposed to have been done? How does a person really know? It seems as though the feelings contained inside of him for this woman are pretty powerful, but not obsessive. There is a diffence between feeling someone is your solemate and obsessing. What do you do when you know that someone is your solemate but you also know you cannot be with them? That isn’t an easy situation to be in. It isn’t something any normal person is going to be able to let go of very easily

Not to pry, and I understand if you dont’ want to go into more detail…But what changed that several priests told you that you should tell her, and now all of a sudden you found one that says not to? Did she get married?

 

[Eliza10]

tossolul:

What if he lets her go, but there was more that was supposed to have been done? How does a person really know? It seems as though the feelings contained inside of him for this woman are pretty powerful, but not obsessive. There is a diffence between feeling someone is your solemate and obsessing. What do you do when you know that someone is your solemate but you also know you cannot be with them? That isn’t an easy situation to be in. It isn’t something any normal person is going to be able to let go of very easily…

I think if he has no peace about telling her his feelings then that caution is ther for a reason adn he should listen to it and wait till he has peace about it. Plus he will really look a fool if his is not at peace and stumbles his was clumbsily through a proclamation he doens’t even think he should make. It will be awkward and make her awkward and perhaps cause her, off guard to reply uncharitably in a way she may regret too.

If she is taken then she is not his soul mate - he needs to leave her alone. If she is is soulmate then he can trust God to bring her to him.

I think as far as “knowing” someone is your soulmate, there is a lot of room for deception there. I remember a very gorgeous and sweet young friend who was saving her first kiss for her husband, telling me that quite a few godly young men were absolutely convinced that it was God’s will that they shoul be together, that they were each other’s destiny - and she knew God didn’t want her to have THAT many husbands!

 

[Beebs]

Robster

I know you can’t see it now but she prob is not the one.

I know from experience. I dated one girl steady for over a year and I could not see anything but my fantasy future marriage.
I quit smoking, stop hanging with other friend and devoted every thing two her. Years later I see it now it was all one way.

Well anyways she left me to go bar hopping with her friends for the summer. I was devastated. For two years, I dated infrequently and could only think of what I lost.

Then it happened I got a job, due to a scheduling mess-up missed the first day of work, got fired, when back and begged for the job back, got the job and met my future bother in-law.

He introduced me to his sister at an apologetic seminar at his sister. We went on three dates then after the third date I spent the night at her house.
:tsktsk: on any of you with bad thoughts, we talked all night, honest, about everything. We talked about politics, morality, raising children and I knew that night I was in trouble because I knew I had met my soul mate.

We have been married for 13 year now with two beautiful children.

My wife and I are a prefect team, we see eye on most things, but on the things we don’t we work things out as a team. That was what I was missing before and could not see at the time.

God comes to when you least expect it.

Beebs

 

[lontas]

Rob,

I know what it’s like. I’ve been there, more than once. I don’t think at all that you’re being obsessive, as you have demonstrated here that you don’t even want these feelings. I think it’s very healthy and admirable that you recognize that these feelings won’t necessarily lead to anything. But, could it be that you’ve felt for this woman for such a long time now that you can’t imagine feeling any other way? That’s something to think about.

Let me tell you what worked for me: Meet other women. I know, that probably sounds impossible for you now. You can’t imagine any other woman even coming close to this one. But you’d be surprised at just how weak your supposedly-unstoppable feelings can be. I know she seems like the most amazing person on the earth right now. But you see, all women and all humans are created in the image and likeness of God! If you get to know other women, you will soon see that they, too, are just as amazing as this one (but perhaps in different ways).

And you know what really amazed me? Just when I thought I would never get over one woman…I met someone else. Within a matter of days, my feelings had shifted completely to this new woman!! Please, I realize that this sounds unfathomable to you in your current state, but give this a try. If you give lots of other women an honest chance and you STILL can’t get over your friend, THEN you should probably tell her (and pray hard about it). If you happen to fall for a new woman, then, no need to tell your friend about your feelings for her; just brush it off as a passing fad.

Feelings are crazy things, eh? Peace,

Chris

 

[Cupofkindness]

Robster:

What are you hiding from in unrequited love? What does fixating on a single, unobtainable woman provide you with? What are you afraid of finding out about yourself if you enter the confusing, unpredictible world of real dating and courtship? These are the questions I would seek answers for. Next, what is the worst possible scenario if you tell her? That she laughs at you? That she tells everyone about your feelings? Ask yourself, would she really do that? The answer is probably “no.”

I was “in love” with a man that was entering a seminary. A very bad situation. When that finally dawned on me (very quickly because the situation was so clearly wrong), I shifted gears and shortly thereafter met the saintly man who I’ve been married to for sixteen years. We have seven beautiful children. “Thanks be to God for His Unspeakable gift” of grace. His grace will be there for you, but you need to act! Your life is too precious to dwell on this any longer.

 

[Robster]

She called me last night just to talk and to see what I was up to. I haven’t talked with her in a while and it seems that when I’m starting to feel good about the situation something like this happens. I just started school and my devotion is going to be mostly towards that and God. I will honestly try my best to meet other people and open my eyes to new things. I really want to take the honerable approach out of this and if it means to be patient then I will do my best to uphold that. I’m not afraid or hiding from anything I don’t think; I’ve just found everything I’m looking for. I guess as someone told me before, “Jesus is truly Body and Blood in the Eucharist and I will settle for nothing less”. I believe the same goes for her; I have found what I’m looking for and I don’t want to settle for anything less. It seems like a rare find to me and might be a while before I see the same, if not more, qualities in another individual. But like I said, I will take your advice and continue on looking for my future wife. If this is the soul mate that God intended for me to be with then I believe it would of worked itself out by now.

 

[tossolul]

Robster:

If this is the soul mate that God intended for me to be with then I believe it would of worked itself out by now.

I don’t want to encourage something that shouldn’t be. I obviously don’t know your situation beyound what you’ve written…

BUT- if you truelly are 22…Then may I encourage you in your pursuit of patience. When I was 22, all I was concerned about was going out and having a good time. You on the other hand seem to be a bit ahead of your years. Or on the other hand maybe I was a bit behind. If that’s the case don’t tell me- I don’t want to know

22 is still very young, even though it may feel like forever right now, you still have another forever to go.

 

[coyote]

maendem:

Hi, Robster,

I have a couple of observations, for what they’re worth. I do wish you all the best, and hope this doesn’t come across too cold:

It sounds to me like you’re addicted to being infatuated with this girl. Constantly talking to priests about her, keeping a journal about her, writing hundreds of strangers on a forum about her are not signs of letting go…they are signs of actively fueling the fire. I do believe you when you say you wish you could get a clear answer on this question, but I don’t believe you want to let the matter drop at all --the whole exquisite agony of it sounds quite intoxicating.

As a young women who was approached twice (before meeting my husband) by men who said they had harbored similar yearnings for me for years without telling me…I have to say your whole problem, while somewhat sympathetic, is also wearisome. My reaction to them: why weren’t you man enough to tell me earlier (I asked this in curiosity). I wasn’t dismayed by the fact that they could see I was in love with someone else; I was dismayed that they couldn’t pull themselves together enough to either let me know or let things go.

My question to you is similar, but I’m also puzzled: why do you want to be with someone who apparently does not want to be with you? The real girl, not the one in your imagination, has a life and feelings that do not include you. The girl in your imagination…probably does not exist.

The risk you run by carrying on this extended internal dialogue of yearning is completely losing track of who the real object of your affection actually is. When one of the men I mentioned above decided to reveal his true feelings for me, he quit his job and drove across the country with all his belongings in a car to move back to my town. He FedExed an impassioned, 10 page letter ahead of himself, revealing all his pent up love, and his knowledge that we were supposed to be together at last. But his “love” had become such an obsessive internal head trip…he had no idea who I actually was any more. His reception, I have to say, was a cold one.

Gosh, I sound mean. I know this can’t be easy, but as that awfully crude saying goes, Rob, sh*t or get off…

Maendem, You said it perfectly. I was thinking the same thing. The obsession is with the obsession.

 

[Prometheum_x]

I don’t think someone can really be your soul mate until you have married them. We don’t call people our physical mate until we have married them, however sure we may be that we are in fact going to marry them.

 

[tossolul]

Prometheum_x:

I don’t think someone can really be your soul mate until you have married them. We don’t call people our physical mate until we have married them, however sure we may be that we are in fact going to marry them.

I totally disagree… I believe that there are many instances where people are not able to end up with their soul mate in this lifetime. The choices we make, get us to our destination. Sometimes we can only live with what we’ve sowed for ourselves. Only God knows what he originally had intended for us. But I believe that every person has a soulmate. If they don’t meet them while alive on earth, I believe they will be with them in heaven.

 

[Prometheum_x]

tossolul:

I totally disagree… I believe that there are many instances where people are not able to end up with their soul mate in this lifetime. The choices we make, get us to our destination. Sometimes we can only live with what we’ve sowed for ourselves. Only God knows what he originally had intended for us. But I believe that every person has a soulmate. If they don’t meet them while alive on earth, I believe they will be with them in heaven.

To be blunt, however much they have been designed and destined for you, they aren’t your mate until you’ve mated with them. Exactly how one achieves the mating of two souls, I do not know, but that is what the phrase implies.

 

[Prometheum_x]

tossolul:

I totally disagree… I believe that there are many instances where people are not able to end up with their soul mate in this lifetime. The choices we make, get us to our destination. Sometimes we can only live with what we’ve sowed for ourselves. Only God knows what he originally had intended for us. But I believe that every person has a soulmate. If they don’t meet them while alive on earth, I believe they will be with them in heaven.

To be blunt, however much they have been designed and destined for you, they aren’t your mate until you’ve mated with them. Exactly how one achieves the mating of two souls, I do not know, but that is what the phrase implies.