Questions on sexuality in an unequally yoked marriage

[Weepingmaytarry]

Backstory: I’m a Catholic revert (I think, strongly leaning towards coming back), and my husband is a Catholic convert of several years who has more or less abandoned Christianity as a whole. We have kids together in a valid Catholic marriage.
I dont know exactly what I’m asking here other than exactly what the Church would teach and why and how I would even be able to come to accept it if it seems too difficult for me. Just please, be kind. This is so hard.

My last pregnancy was rough with a rare condition that required extensive monitoring of my baby to make sure he lived. These were so expensive that we have to file bankruptcy because of them. I ended up having to be induced early because he failed his tests. The induction process was long and painful after a long and painful pregnancy. Any subsequent pregnancies would very likely have the same condition.

My husband adamantly doesn’t want any more kids. He says we have more than enough and he doesn’t want me to go through another pregnancy like the last one. There are other circumstances involved that make having only procreative relations a major burden.

I genuinely don’t know what to do.

 

[redcatholic]

1. You don’t know what a future pregnancy holds.
2. The Church mercifully allows for NFP (natural family planning). For your exact reasons. Please look into that. You cannot however be a faithful Catholic with ABC (artificial birth control). And you shouldn’t want to be!

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

And you shouldn’t want to be!

Little judgey, bro. It’s very understandable if that crossed her mind.

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

Thank you.

1.) A future pregnancy may or may not be the same as my last (Doctor says it likely would be), but it would nonetheless be unwanted by my husband.

2.) I practiced NFP successfully for years but it is extremely difficult to track while breastfeeding. Also, I have no desire for hormonal birth control.

 

[redcatholic]

Wasn’t meant to be judgey at all. Once someone understands and is convicted by the Church’s teaching on sex and marriage and what purpose they serve a faithful a Catholic would not want to thwart that.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Wasn’t meant to be judgey at all. Once someone understands and is convicted by the Church’s teaching on sex and marriage and what purpose they serve a faithful a Catholic would not want to thwart that.

You can understand something and still be tempted to do the opposite. We all understand that sin in general is bad, yet we all still do it.

 

[redcatholic]

Yes most married people have that temptation. But you cannot be a faithful Catholic and do it. That’s like saying m a faithful husband but I cheat.
Sure, I’m tempted. But I can’t do it and claim to be faithful.

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

I really, genuinely want to be faithfully obedient to the Lord. My main difficulty is, IF the Church’s teaching is a right teaching (again, leaning that way), why and how would that work in a marriage where the other half does not see it that way?

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

Is that Catholic teaching?

 

[redcatholic]

We won’t be able to discuss that in depth. I can tell you that in my marriage we have not always seen eye to eye. We’ve moved from ABC to NFP to no NFP. My wife has severe medical issues, has had a PE and several pregnancy complications. It’s been our single biggest struggle. My advice to you is to be true to your convictions and, with patience help your husband. That’s a spouses job, to help each other achieve heaven! And yes trust God, but Trust the love of your husband for you as well, trust that he will respect your convictions.

 

[redcatholic]

That see pounds like an endorsement of birth control. Would you like to clarify do it is a Catholic answer?

 

[redcatholic]

True. As long as artificial birth control is not used for avoiding pregnancy.

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

Thank you.

What is an ethicist? This is a dumb question, but is this some sort of Church appointed counselor who can solve problems like this? Or just in a general sense?

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

When a Christian is married to a non-Christian. In my case, my husband and I were married as Christians but my husband left the faith.

 

[redcatholic]

Not really a dumb question. A Catholic ethicist could be someone who is knowledgeable in both the issue you have and Catholic teaching.
I’ve used national Catholic bioethics center for some pretty in depth questions.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

That poster is not Catholic.

 

[Vico]

how I would even be able to come to accept it if it seems too difficult for me.

Through the strengthening of mind and will by the Holy Spirit in the state of sanctifying grace.

 

[Gorgias]

Mercifully? Is the mercy found in the allowance for spouses NOT TO HAVE sex on Mon, Tue, Wed, Thurs, and Friday while fertility levels are high. Or in allowance of spouses TO HAVE sex Sat and Sunday while fertility levels are low?

Is mercy found in telling a couple that what’s most important is holding sex as the most important thing in their relationship, such that no other considerations are more important than “I want it now, and that’s that”?

My main difficulty is, IF the Church’s teaching is a right teaching (again, leaning that way), why and how would that work in a marriage where the other half does not see it that way?

It seems like you’re asking “if I don’t want to have sex tomorrow and my spouse does, then do I have to acquiesce to his demands?” In that light, does it really matter what the reason is? “I’ve got a headache”, “I’m not in the mood”, and “I’m in a highly fertile portion of my cycle and I don’t want to conceive right now” are all merely reasons; don’t you have the right to say “not tonight, dear”?

On that, I won’t comment, as my value system does not coincide with Catholic teaching.

In other words, “I’ll provide my opinion, because I would implement my opinion easily enough with ABC. You’re on your own implementing it if you don’t want to use ABC.”

 

[Zaccheus]

It ounds to me like you have valid medical reasons for a tubal ligation.
You wouldn’t be doing that just to avoid having more children. You’d be doing it to avoid life-threatening medical problems.

I would say consult both your physician and your priest.

 

[Weepingmaytarry]

I’ve used national Catholic bioethics center for some pretty in depth questions.

Thank you! This is exactly the sort of thing I need but didn’t know it existed.

It seems like you’re asking “if I don’t want to have sex tomorrow and my spouse does , then do I have to acquiesce to his demands?” In that light, does it really matter what the reason is? “I’ve got a headache”, “I’m not in the mood”, and “I’m in a highly fertile portion of my cycle and I don’t want to conceive right now” are all merely reasons ; don’t you have the right to say “not tonight, dear”?

The problem is that in light of St Paul’s instruction to married couples that they fulfill their marital duty to each other and not withhold it except for a time and by mutual consent for the purpose of prayer, and then come together again, I can’t just say, “Not tonight” every night until I’m done breastfeeding and can chart my fertility accurately.

It ounds to me like you have valid medical reasons for a tubal ligation.

I don’t believe I do. While the condition is painful and uncomfortable, it poses no threat to my life, just my baby’s, and the chances of the baby making it are very high with good medical care. The main problem (besides the severe discomfort) is the medical cost.