Quetion about ... er, marital relations

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admonsta

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I’ll try to keep this nice. I’ve been married for 8 years and have five kids. For the entire of my married life, my interest in “the act” has been low. Now I seem to have absolutely no interest at all - it’s a chore. I might add that my youngest child is 9 months old, so I suspect there’s a bit of post-partum something there.

I feel like I’m doing my husband a disservice by being disinterested, and sort of going through the motions, or sometimes not putting in any effort at all. Hubby’s very nice about it, and we’re very close otherwise.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on how to change my attitude, to start enjoying it more and prevent us from drawing apart in this area? I’m not looking for graphic descriptions and things, of course.
 
admonsta said:
I’ll try to keep this nice. I’ve been married for 8 years and have five kids. For the entire of my married life, my interest in “the act” has been low. Now I seem to have absolutely no interest at all - it’s a chore. I might add that my youngest child is 9 months old, so I suspect there’s a bit of post-partum something there.

I feel like I’m doing my husband a disservice by being disinterested, and sort of going through the motions, or sometimes not putting in any effort at all. Hubby’s very nice about it, and we’re very close otherwise.

I wonder if anyone has any advice on how to change my attitude, to start enjoying it more and prevent us from drawing apart in this area? I’m not looking for graphic descriptions and things, of course.
Click to expand...
mayoclinic.com/print/female-sexual-dysfunction/DS00701/METHOD=print&DSECTION=all
 
I might mention this to my OBGYN. Sometimes hormonal issues can be the culprit.

Do you care about this only for your DH’s benefit, or do you want to enjoy it more for yourself, too? I think you should pursue it for yourself as well. A healthy enjoyable sex life is such a blessing and a help in keeping us close to our DHs, and not to completely lose our “wife-ness” in all the “mom-ness” that comes with having a young family, if you know what I mean!
 
You’d better find the reason(s) before trying to find solutions.
 
It sounds like you just have a low libido, and after five kids (wow) then I’m not surprised you’re not enthusiastic. It’s hard to give advice on this without it being perceived as crass, so I will continue in the light that we are all (most of us) mature adults.
  1. Being that you have a low sex drive, your husband would obviously initiate proceedings for most, if not all, of the time. It would help his confidence (and performance) if you got the party started every now and again.
  2. Problem is you have FIVE kids! You are probably running around exhausted for most of the time and sex is the last thing on your mind. By the end of the day, when you’re finally both alone your energy and interest will be at it’s lowest.
  3. And…when you have time, does your husband make an effort to get you in the mood? Do you get back-rubs, massages, bubble baths? If these things sound appealing to you, then drop a BIG hint that would be a good thing for him to do. Unless the mood is there, then it’s not going to be a good time.
  4. Going along with 3, do you guys have foreplay or some gradual build up to intercourse? If it’s just in and out, then I can’t imagine you find it that great. Additionally, not all women achieve orgasm through intercourse. Maybe try different positions?
Anyway, summing up 1, 2, 3 and 4, a good idea would be for both of you to take a holiday away together without the kids - ideally a weekend away. Hand the rug-rats over to the in-laws, and go off with the intention of having a sex-mad weekend. If you book ahead, you could build up the excitement and anticipation for it.

Hope that helps.
 
I will relay something my daughter has told her Mom and me.

Daughter is now 30… Her husband is a deacon in the Anglican Church in America (part of the TAC)

Daughter and three of her married girl friends were talking… All agreed that when the husband prays before the marital act it brings God into the act (as He should be) and makes husband more desirable. >> That’s the word from 4 married ladies… Hope it helps… BTW: Bringing God into any situation always helps…
 
Sorry to hear about your struggles. It must be hard.

If you don’t mind and he doesn’t mind and you’re both ok with it, then maybe it’s ok.
 
All marriages experience this at some time, so don’t feel alone. I had two babies within 16 months and the 2nd one had health issues…believe me, it took maybe 2 years to get my desire back! So after FIVE in 8 years - wow…I would be amazed if you DID have any frequent desires!

One thing I can share after 38 years of marriage is to try to be the one who initiates once in awhile. EVEN if you don’t “think” you want to, the anticipation of it in your mind through the day and maybe a special plan for a back rub, massage (foot massages and back massages are so nice!) - it seems to place one’s mind “in gear” so to speak. Don’t tell Husband you plan this - let it surprise him! Then he will be twice as happy - happy that you are initiating and happy that you have “those feelings” for him! (Which of course, you do, it is just difficult to act upon most of the time).

I think it says a lot about your husband that he is so understanding. Mine is as well and it is a true blessing to me!

Remember to pray for your husband eery day, too. Placing him in God’s hands helps in every way.

Bless you my dear! And bless those kiddos … and their Daddy! 👍
 
By the way — I will share a laugh with you to make you feel better…

My hubby weeded my flower bed for me. Then he came inside and I was thanking him for doing it…I began to tease him that he was so “macho” looking all sweaty and such.

Well, one thing led to another and …now I have poison ivy all over myself in places I don’t want to mention - let alone scratch!!! :eek:

Next time - he WILL take a nice, hot shower first!!!😃
 
You have a lot on your plate. It’s no surprise that your libido is low.
If I were you I would make a special attempt at least once a month to make your experience romantic and loving if only for your husband’s sake.
If this continues, talk to your dr.
 
I would suggest talking to your doctor and potentially getting hormone levels checked. Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and thyroid hormone levels can all negatively impact libido. I was recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism and synthetic thyroid hormone has changed my life!

Don’t mean for this to be medical advice. This area of our sexuality can be easily affected by endocrine imbalances is all.

Other posters have offered other good suggestions. As hard as it may be sometimes, try to talk about it with your husband and come up with some ways of addressing this issue that only you two can really know.
 
Great advice from previous posters. I have 6 at home at present, 4 of them 5 and under. Dh is 55, I’m 49 (5 adopted and 1 foster baby) and starting menopause, so have little desire compared to my heyday, so I’m right there with you. But I try to make the effort once weekly to have a ‘special evening’ after the little folks go to bed so DH doesn’t feel left out. It keeps him happy and we are so much closer when that effort has been made, no matter how ****** & tired I feel before it gets going. Thnakfully he’s never been one to push it on me, in fact, much the opposite, so he’s actually enjoying me not climbing all over him all the time.
 
Do you guys think couples should keep having sex regardless of age?
 
phil8888 said:
Do you guys think couples should keep having sex regardless of age?
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If health is not preventing them, why should they stop? Sex is a renewal of the marriage vows. It’s up to individual couples to determine how often they choose to have sex throughout the seasons of life.
 
Try this - and yes it is a little quid pro quo- but it may help- tell your dh the best way to initiate “relations” would be to come home, make dinner, get all five kids homework checked and in to bed — while allowing you to lounge in a bublle bath and shave your legs. I know when things get busy in my life sometimes nothing can make me feel more attractive then having those extra minutes to “pay attention to detail.”

It may suprise men that we don’t all have fairy godmother’s who wave a wand and make us all extraordinarily beautful. Some of us have to do a little work. Just a tad. 😉
 
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