Raging sex drive...help!

[TLM08]

You might also consider the old fashioned but very practical practice of “courtship”. The rules of courtship will safeguard your purity when you are with him.

Another thing that I forgot to mention in my previous post is that in our modern culture it is impossible NOT to have a constant stream of impure thoughts parading through the mind! The key is restoring the mind to the purity of a child.by avoiding all impure entertainment… that probably includes just about every single sitcom produced after 1970.

 

[George14]

There’s a reality in this idea: if there is a “fork in the road” in which the roads go in absolutely opposite directions (a choice of what to do at any given moment) and you take one of those roads, you are NOT going in the OTHER direction. Sounds simplistic, but it is true. You simply can NOT go east if you are going west!

I quit smoking years ago 1) by a serious “decision” not to smoke any more, 2) by getting rid of all cigarettes, ash trays, etc., and 3) by reminding myself that it was a serious decision that would be harmful for me to resume, EVEN TO START or toy with another cigarette. While obviously that isn’t about sex, it IS about addictive behavior, and the parallel is not inappropriate.

As for sex drive, it applies as follows: each temptation IS a fork in the road, and this is my own way of handling it. By RUNNING from the very first suggestion of allure or attraction, I’m able to"cut off" an ever increasingly stronger compulsion that replaces the first suggestion that could grow in strength almost immediately beyond my power to resist. BUT if I go “west” I CANNOT go “east.” And there is a parallel with smoking that is applicable here: GOING WEST AND HAVING A RESOLUTION ABOUT THE DECISION CHANGES THE BODY CHEMISTRY THAT GIVES RISE TO THE DESIRE DRIVING THE ‘ADDICTION.’ The chemistry changes, the drive subsides, and any other distraction removes its threat completely. Like being where other people are in a public setting, or getting into a pleasurable hobby or activity. (Practicing piano for example…)

In my own case about smoking, I found that my attraction to the nicotine “fix” EVAPORATED IN A VERY SHORT TIME (I had been a smoker for over ten years prior); and guess what, I also have had to deal with “excessive” sexual desire as well, so I know how “going west” is the only way to handle that. If I rightly realize that “sin is not negotiable” as a choice, I not only avoid the occasion of sin (i.e., I go west), I also IN MY DECIDING apply a remedy that helps remove or reprogram the chemistry of my body where desire is fostered and takes hold.

The clincher is that GOD IS ON MY SIDE IN THIS BATTLE, so that by asking Him and Mary to “help me not to sin” I KNOW I get all the angels and helps from heaven that I need. Truly! I see them as my allies, my friends, my sympathetic companions WHO ARE ROOTING FOR ME TO WIN THE FIGHT. I used to feel that “tough, man, it is YOUR battle and YOU MUST RESIST.” But that doesn’t work. The only thing that DOES work for me is to “GO WEST” AND CONTINUE TO ASK MARY TO HELP ME NOT TO SIN. And that is MUCH easier when I don’t feed the very first suggestions with “red meat” than were I to entertain SOME and then try to turn back…I’m not able to do that.

So the hard part is not the ‘resisting’ the temptation. The hard part is MAKING THE DECISION that has me turn my head, close off what is not permissible AT THE OUTSET, and deny it any truck with the pearl of purity that God wants of me. He is LOVE, not judgment about our struggles, so I KNOW His disposition toward me is one of encouragement “with a smile and a loving glance.”

Good luck to you. I might say that like AA where former addicts (and still struggling people) are the best counselors, I’ve been there and speak not from theory but experience. Not beating up on myself was part of this…and there just might be a gift awaiting, since it is IN STRUGGLING THAT WE GROW, and the best merit badges will be given for battle scars.

(Jesus chose Peter to head His church IN THE SAME BREATH ALMOST FROM THE REPRIMAND TO “GET BEHIND ME, SATAN” over Peter’s remonstrance that “Oh, No, Lord, YOU shouldn’t have to suffer like that!”) And of course the Father RAN OUT TO THE STREET to greet his returning prodigal son because he was so glad. That’s real joy; Jesus didn’t tell us that story to trick us…

 

[grandfather]

There’s a reality in this idea: if there is a “fork in the road” in which the roads go in absolutely opposite directions (a choice of what to do at any given moment) and you take one of those roads, you are NOT going in the OTHER direction. Sounds simplistic, but it is true. You simply can NOT go east if you are going west!..

That is great advice. It rang true for me, because I do the same thing. It works. I am not sure, although you did a great job of explaining it, if someone who has not personally experienced how this works, can understand it enough to apply it.

The instant temptation appears it is easy to turn it away. Once the fire is lit and is a raging inferno it becomes impossible to extinguish. The person has to learn to do this from practice.

 

[larsegarots]

If you are trying to be on a diet it is not wise to buy a chocolate layer cake, bring it home and put it in the fridge, just in case you get tempted to indulge in a few extra calories.

If you break down and eat some extra calories, you don’t get an STD or pregnant. That is a bad analogy. A better analogy would be to stock your fridge with low calorie / high protein food like cottage cheese, so that if you eat some extra calories, you will reduce the risk of gaining weight.

 

[Soutane]

I also struggled with chastity and masturbation.My confessor gave me a Holy card of St.Maria Goretti and I have consistantly asked her to pray for me.I also pray the rosary daily and try to avoid near occassions of sin.I would not have thought it possible,but it does work.I’ll certainly pray for you in this struggle.

 

[Sonoran_John]

You are normal. As a human, this happens to everybody at your age.

Your thoughts are natural, so don’t feel like you are bad simply because you are having these thoughts.

The last thing I want to say, is that if you do break down and have sex, there is a very high chance you will get pregnant (I assume you’re not on birth control). If you’re not ready for that yet, you may want to consider having condoms nearby just in case.

WHAT?
I dont think this is good advice.

 

[warpspeedpetey]

You are normal. As a human, this happens to everybody at your age.

Your thoughts are natural, so don’t feel like you are bad simply because you are having these thoughts.

The last thing I want to say, is that if you do break down and have sex, there is a very high chance you will get pregnant (I assume you’re not on birth control). If you’re not ready for that yet, you may want to consider having condoms nearby just in case.

 

[warpspeedpetey]

The last thing I want to say, is that if you do break down and have sex, there is a very high chance you will get pregnant (I assume you’re not on birth control). If you’re not ready for that yet, you may want to consider having condoms nearby just in case.

That is very bad advice,

don’t let being compassionate, to another’s dilemma make you suggest that they sin, as a solution, sin is never the solution!

What is more important to you, your relationship with G-d, or a climax?

one lasts a minute, the other is forever.

you already know the right answer. pray for strength to follow it.

 

[TLM08]

What is more important to you, your relationship with G-d, or a climax? one lasts a minute, the other is forever

Are you kidding me?? I realize that you are trying to help, but heaping major guilt on a remorseful young girl with raging hormones with the above quote is short sighted, worthless and cruel. Of course her relationship with God is more important! Again, I am certain your intentions are good, but this is not helpful.

Many good Catholics struggle with the sins of, lust, masturbation and even pornography. This prescious girl loves God and is fully aware that she should stop doing this. God knows her heart and her struggle. He will not abandon her because she falls!

The best medicine at this point is for her to purify her mind by removing the influences of popular culture, attend regular confession and make prayer a priority in her life. As her mind purifys itself, she will regain a lot of the innocence she had as a child and the masturbating will slow down and eventually stop.

God expects us to try our best. As long as she does this, she will be fine.

 

[George14]

Another possible help is to compare using sex outside of its proper use to how we feel out goods that belong to someone else, in that they are good things in themselves, but WE don’t have a right to them at this time.

I know I need to strive towards a good to accomplish anything: brains do not have a “don’t do” faculty. I teach a sport activity and I know that there must be a POSITIVE IMAGE to enable a pupil to “get it right” instead of a “don’t do such and such.” So striving for the positive image - HAVING a positive image, is what makes it possible. An example I often use about how we are already wired for success is to consider that when we get a cup of coffee in the morning, we certainly do not have considerations like “move your hands like this, your feet like this, your elbows go here, and …” because as HUMANS ALREADY ENDOWED WITH INCREDIBLY WELL PROGRAMMED COMPUTERS, WE DO NOT WORK THAT WAY; OUR OBJECT IS TO GET THE COFFEE [OR STEER THE CAR WHEN DRIVING] AND THE PHYSICAL ACT IS DONE AUTOMATICALLY WITHOUT THOUGHTS OF “DON’T PUT YOUR FEET TOO FAR APART, DON’T LIFT YOUR HANDS TOO HIGH, DON’T MOVE YOUR ELBOW HERE, OR DON’T TURN YOUR WRISTS LIKE THIS.”

What I am getting at is that IF WE FORM A POSITIVE IDEA - create the real object or goal or good that we wish to realize and use THAT as our mental image, what we strive for, THAT is how we “go west so that we don’t go east” as opposed to “DON’T GO EAST.”

The positive image or goal applicable to this subject, the sex drive, is the beauty and dignity of the reservation of sex for sharing such an experience exclusively with that person whom God will have selected for us,

There is another approach: as above mentioned, someone else’s riches and beautiful home or car are good things, but they are not OURS - so it really isn’t hard to know that God has a reason for THAT person to have those things but WE don’t need them. In the same way, the good of sex is not OURS yet - it is a good of course but we don’t have a right to it yet; not having a right to something is something we can understand and that also might help our restraining ourselves from its use. I don’t have a right to my neighbors riches: I don’t have a right to my neighbor’s use of sex. And here is the “positive image” that helps in this regard: it is this: the refreshing pleasure that is derived from not taking something that doesn’t belong to you; there is a sense of integrity and wholeness in a good conscience like that.

By substituting whichever image of the GOOD that is the opposite of the mis-use of sex that registers and focusing on that good in place of the illicit good, and then realizing that God is on your side with his helps [mightily, I might add], your dispositions will be transformed.

I realize how painful this struggle is. I hope that these posts are of real help.

 

[warpspeedpetey]

Dont treat the subject of sexuality with kid gloves, the consequences are indeed grave.

everyone has that struggle not just her, i know it as well as any man,

i dont mean to suggest G-d would abandon her, i mean to suggest that she would be abandoning that state of grace which helps in the resistance to temptation

like all sin, it would be a slap to His face, thats what sin is by definition.

there is a purpose to guilt, to change behavior, to encourage correct decision making.

yes it feels bad, its supposed to. you may think of it as punishment in advance.

before you say i am not compassionate, or i am somehow hard hearted. i would say i am being very compassionate

i dont care if she feels a little bad now, if i could spare her the suffering that i have experienced, and that i have seen many others experience, than that is just the pain needed for the gain (so to speak)

better to put out a fire now when it is just on the stove than to wait until it consumes the whole house

that said i admire your compassion i just don think it is the best course

so no, im not kidding

 

[elvisman]

Most women masturbate (a majority admit it in polls… not to mention they are less likely to admit it to begin with), nothing sounds unusual about your sex drive. Often times, the happier a woman is in a relationship, the more she fantasizes. The key here, I think, is simply learning to overcome your urges (a platitude that is not helpful to you at all, I know). But remember, (here comes another platitude) all God asks is that you do your best - if you fall, so be it. That’s what confession is for. Under no circumstance allow yourself to think you are ‘different’ or ‘messed up’ because you are a woman with a healthy sex drive. You are NORMAL, and thankfully, God understands this - that’s why he’s got priests walking around ready to throw out some absolution if need be. Don’t allow yourself to be overcome with guilt if you fail - just do what needs to be done. Follow that, and you’ll be fine.

This is bad advice.
**First of all, God doesn’t simply expect us to "do our best - and if we fall, so be it". **Where does it say this in Scripture or tradition? Jesus told us to be perfect as our father in heaven is perfect (Matt. 5:48).

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We are not to take this admonition lightly because there are "priests walking around ready to throw out some absolution if need be", - as you say. This is a complete misunderstanding of the Sacrament of Reconciliation.;

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You have a really warped sense of contrition and forgiveness. True contrition is not only confessing the sin but resolving not to do it again with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Lastly, masturbation is grave sin - not “normal behavior”. Just because a particular sin may be common - it doesn’t make it alright.

 

[warpspeedpetey]

yeah, what he said

 

[sseason]

It is good to see that you have both decided not to have sex again before marriage. That is, unfortunately, uncommon in this society. I commend you.

The more you masturbate the more you will want it.  It is simply a fact.  And masturbation is a Grave Sin.  

When you get visuals in your mind, do your best to focus on something else.  Get up and go somewhere  you are around people so you CAN'T masturbate.  Go to Eucharistic Adoration and speak openly with God about how your feeling.  He is Truly our Father.  And will help you.  But we have to help ourselves.  Stay close to the sacraments.  Confession is NEEDED first so you can be in the state of Grace, then receive the Eucharist. 

Christopher West has a very good book that can help you.  It is called "The Good News about sex and Marriage" and was inspired by Pope John Paul II's  "Humanae Vitae" (Theology of the body).

Desires are natural but how we respond and act upon them is a choice.

I have someone I Love and we might get engaged soon. It is very tempting when I am around him.  But we have made choices so that we don't put ourselves in the occasion of sin.

Also, when you take something out of your life that was a habit, it is good to fill that space in with something else.  Wether that be going to daily Adoration if necessary or simply a physical sport.  Just so you're not left to sit and think about it.
Change your routine-
Don't watch shows or movies that are sexual (it is possible)-
Be on guard.  Satan is real.  And he will go to any lengths to have you.-

God IS a loving God.  And will help you through this.

 

[warpspeedpetey]

sseason,

eloquent, i wish i could speak the truth with such kindness, from me it just sounds harsh, i am impressed

 

[TLM08]

This is bad advice.
First of all, God doesn’t simply expect us to "do our best - and if we fall, so be it". Where does it say this in Scripture or tradition? Jesus told us to be perfect as our father in heaven is perfect (Matt. 5:48).

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We are not to take this admonition lightly because there are "priests walking around ready to throw out some absolution if need be", - as you say. This is a complete misunderstanding of the Sacrament of Reconciliation.;

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**You have a really warped **sense of contrition and forgiveness. True contrition is not only confessing the sin but resolving not to do it again with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Lastly, masturbation is grave sin - not "normal behavior". Just because a particular sin may be common - it doesn’t make it alright.

Answers like the one above do more to drive people away from God’s love, mercy and forgiveness and right into despair. Masturbation can be, but is not always a mortal sin. There are complicated issues both physical, mental and moral that must be considered in evaluating one’s degree of responsibility. A good priest can make that determination… not us!

Suppose a marine and his squad who are out of ammunition are hiding in darkness awaiting the heavily armed enemy to pass by on a dirt road in the dark of night. One sneeze will result in the entire squad being discovered and their capture or death. Now imagine being a young marine with the beginnings of a cold. Of couse it’s possible to hold back a sneeze, but sometimes no matter how hard you try, it’s coming out.

How about an itch? If someone offered you five hundred dollars not to scratch any itches and hold back all sneezes for one week, could you do it? Certainly, masturbation is more a serious issue than an itch or a sneeze, but the physical principle within the body is VERY similar. Scratching itches and sneezing both provide relief and are pleasurable to the body by the way!

Here’s another question: Suppose an generous, responsible 18 year-old boy who attends daily Mass, regular confession and is saving himself for marriage, finds a dirty magazine in a restroom and is overpowered by temptation and winds up masturbating. He fully intends to confess his sin when he goes to confession. While driving to help his sick grandmother is killed in an automobile accident. Did this sin cause him to go straight to Hell?

Before you accuse me of making excuses for masturbation, understand this: The catechism says that masturbation is an “intrinsically and gravely disordered action”. Nowhere does it say that it is always a mortal sin. Masturbation is an extremely primative and most natural act that occurs in many of God’s creatures. The forces that drive it in mankind can be very complex. As people of God, we are called to a higher standard of behavior than mere animals. People who struggle with this need to consult with their priest confessor regarding their level of accountability.

Her goal should be to focus her energies on getting established in her state of life, attend regular confession, include daily prayer as a priority and yes, DO HER BEST to refrain from all sexual activity until it can be expressed in an appropriate loving way in the marriage bed as their God given intended purpose.

 

[Leonardo_DV]

There is nothing sinful about sex. Just ask your man himself, Jesus.

 

[benedictus2]

I am an 19 year old girl and, have always been a very conservative catholic. I have a severe problem that I have been trying to fix for a few years. I have an abnormally, ridiculously high sex drive that I can’t seem to overcome no matter what I do. I have been with a young man for 2 years now, who is now my fiancee. We lost our virginity to eachother when we first started going out, which we dreadfully regret, and we made a commitment to purity ever since then. But for some reason within the last few months I want nothing more but to have sex with him again. Sometimes all I have to do is look at him and I am overwhelmed with sexual desire. I masturbate almost every day and am constantly filled with impure thoughts. Recently, I nearly seduced him because I wanted it so bad. I have tried everything to make it go away, because I know its so sinful. I have prayed novenas, begged the Blessed Mother for help, and talked to a priest about it. I don’t want to be in Purgatory for 10,000 years because what I do, and I don’t want him to think I’m becoming a slut. I even cry when I’m praying because I can’t stop thinking about sex. I don’t know what else to do, I know I need to stop, but I don’t know how. I love God, and I love my fiancee very much and am doing everything to keep myself from bringing him down with my impurities. Is there any possible way to calm my sexual urge?? We arent going to be married for three more years, so its a long commitment. Feel free to pray for me as well!!!

I think it is not something you can make go away.

I am not sure if you have heard of Breige McKenna. In her book Miracles Do Happen, she tells of a friend who was trying to reform his ways and could not do it. Jesus told Sister Breige that her friend was going nowher because he is trying to do it on his own.

We can only change by God’s grace. There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive. God made you the way you are. It is what you do with it that matters.

When I pray to God I pray to Him and bare everything. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So tell Him everything. How you are struggling and how you need His grace. There is something healing about being able to bare all that is awful about us. Talk to him as you would talk to a psychiatrist say.

The one thing I would suggest though is to do a little exercise.

When you are praying, imagine that God is looking at you. As you pray, try to see His face. What is the expression on His face. Is it condemning? Is He looking at you with a cold disapproving look? Or is He looking at you with love, His face full of tenderness for you?

Remember, Christ died for us while we are still sinners. He made excuses for us when He was on the Cross.

He loves you so very, very, much.

And if you let Him, He will love you into goodness.

Another little exercise is to prepare well for Mass. Come early and spend a few minutes before Him, remembering that you will soon be receiving Him. During this preparation time, meditate on His love for you and think about how He conquered sin, right there on the Cross. During the offertory, as the bread is processed in (if they do that at your church), imagine that you are kneading this weakness of yours into the bread.Knead yourself into the bread, and pour your mental anguish into the wine, so that as the Holy Spirit comes to transform the bread into His Body and Blood, you along with the bread will be transformed as well. Do this consciously everytime you go to Mass.

And remember, it is not how often you fall that matters. What counts is how often you get up.

It may well be that God is leaving you in this state for a while, that you will learn that all is grace.

Do little mortifications. Little denials of self go a long way.

And one last advice. Prudence. Do not put yourself in situations with trigger points.

And yes, remember always that He loves you very much and walks with you as you struggle with this.

Let God heal you, but wait for His time.

I will pray for you.

 

[TLM08]

There is nothing sinful about sex. Just ask your man himself, Jesus.

Agreed 100%, provided the sex is occuring within the bonds of a loving marriage! But something tells me that you aren’t on board with that Leonardo!

 

[Leonardo_DV]

Agreed 100%, provided the sex is occuring within the bonds of a loving marriage! But something tells me that you aren’t on board with that Leonardo!

I am of the opinion that sex occurring within the bonds of a loving relationship is not sinful, as long as both parties are consenting adults in the right frame of mind.