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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**Geez, it was just an example!
How about this one…
ah, nevermind. It’s a minor annoyance that just got the better of me today. I’ll get over it, lol.
Malia
**
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How about this one…
ah, nevermind. It’s a minor annoyance that just got the better of me today. I’ll get over it, lol.
Malia
**
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Leopard
Guest
On the other hand, we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. On those occasions in my communications with Mrs. Leopard, the Leopard daughters or various Leopardess relatives, friends or co-workers, when one of them does make a comment that does call for a response, I turn out to be an insensitive idiot for giving the wrong kind if response.
For example, sometimes I am accosted by one of these women upset or angry about some problem bothering them that is not directly related to me and wanting to tell me all about it. If I were speaking with a man, I would know exactly what he wanted and exactly what I should do about it. He wants to solve this problem and is asking me for help or advice in doing so.
But with women, this is usually not the case. Suggestions for solving their problems are often treated as unwelcome intrusions into their personal business. In this regard, I agree with them. Many of these problems brought to me, if they were my own problems, I would consider to be my own personal business too, and would not discuss with anyone not an interested party or whose advice in solving the problem I did not want. But women, at least those women close to me, tend not to think this way. Often they just want me to be angry or upset along with them. What is this supposed to accomplish? Sometimes I don’t even know the people they are upset with and sometimes the matters they are upset with are not, in my opinion, worth getting upset over.
But on the other other hand, sometimes my women really do want help or advice with a problem, and this usually happens at those times when I think I have figured out that they just want sympathy. Then I am boorish jerk who is belittling their feelings and obtusively trying to be unhelpful. :banghead:
Talking to other men is so much easier. Sometimes it doesn’t even require talking at all.
For example, sometimes I am accosted by one of these women upset or angry about some problem bothering them that is not directly related to me and wanting to tell me all about it. If I were speaking with a man, I would know exactly what he wanted and exactly what I should do about it. He wants to solve this problem and is asking me for help or advice in doing so.
But with women, this is usually not the case. Suggestions for solving their problems are often treated as unwelcome intrusions into their personal business. In this regard, I agree with them. Many of these problems brought to me, if they were my own problems, I would consider to be my own personal business too, and would not discuss with anyone not an interested party or whose advice in solving the problem I did not want. But women, at least those women close to me, tend not to think this way. Often they just want me to be angry or upset along with them. What is this supposed to accomplish? Sometimes I don’t even know the people they are upset with and sometimes the matters they are upset with are not, in my opinion, worth getting upset over.
But on the other other hand, sometimes my women really do want help or advice with a problem, and this usually happens at those times when I think I have figured out that they just want sympathy. Then I am boorish jerk who is belittling their feelings and obtusively trying to be unhelpful. :banghead:
Talking to other men is so much easier. Sometimes it doesn’t even require talking at all.
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KCtheMommy
Guest
It’s all in the Ovaries Mr. Leopard…it’s ALL in the ovaries.Next time just say: “Honey don’t you have a girlfriend you can discuss this with?” No wait, on second thought – you’ll just be a boorish jerk. Smile and nod, or frown and nod, or grimace and nod, whatever emotion is called for. Picture yourself as a little emoticon and you are responding to your female relative’s daily “posts.” Simple. If they are upset that your response is lacking you can either plead the fifth or plead testosterone!
Good luck!
Psssst my hubby has gotten very good at this role. He is a virtual suitcase of emoticon. My favorite is his eye-roll! HE even asks the apppropriate question back to me, then he let’s it go with an expression. That’s it, I vented, he responded, we’re done. If I need more biased and unfaltering support I call my girlfriends…LOL
If I do push him and he could care less about what I am yammering about I get this:
followed by “Well what do YOU want ME to SAY?”“OK point taken…nothing you don’t want to say honey! So uhm, where’s the phone?”
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rayne89
Guest
Malia have you asked him to give you a verbal cue so you know he heard you? My husband does this too. Or he nods when I’m not looking at him.
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jman507
Guest
Have you tried asking things in a way that might need an answer that needs to be more than a yes or no. That would make him have to actively listen, if he has not done so.I understand that being direct and to the point is a good thing. That’s not the problem. Hubby has no problem doing what needs to be done or helping me out.
**It is the not knowing IF I have been heard that bothers me. It doesn’t matter if I am making a comment on the weather, asking him for help, or telling him about something. More often than not it appears as if he is not listening because he doesn’t respond…at all. But most of the time he does here me when I ask if he heard me**
Malia
Maybe something like, “The baby needs a bath, can you check if she’s ready for it now, if not which time do you think would be better for you afternoon or in the evening.” Or ask “What are you doing today? when do you think you could fit in a bath for the baby?”
Even if it forces you to ask a question of which you all ready know the answer, sometimes you have to do that to get to the actual point. You want to make sure the other person not only heard the comment, but actually listened to it.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**
Rayne: I have asked. It works for maybe a day, lol.
Others (especially the men, lol):I am not debating the hows and whys of the differences between male and female communication. I understand that and it is not the problem here. It is the simple acknowledgment of being heard that I need. I don’t care if it is a nod, grunt, or actual english word. ANYTHING to indicate that I would not have been better off talking to the cat
malia**
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lifeisbeautiful
Guest
Maybe taking into account the differences would help solve the problem of getting acknowledged? Making a statement is different than asking a yes or no question, which is different than asking a question that requires an answer other than yes or no. I think jman had a good idea, asking a question other than a yes or no one. If you just say a statement, then there is no expected response. If you ask a yes or no statement, the person can answer with a yes or no without really listening, so you might not know if the listened, but if you ask a question that requires an answer that has to be thought about, and the person answers something that makes sense, then odds are they listened. If they don’t answer, then you know they didn’t listen and right then and there you can ask them again, rather than waiting and wondering if they heard or paid attention.**
Others (especially the men, lol):I am not debating the hows and whys of the differences between male and female communication. I understand that and it is not the problem here. It is the simple acknowledgment of being heard that I need. I don’t care if it is a nod, grunt, or actual english word. ANYTHING to indicate that I would not have been better off talking to the cat
malia**
For some people its just a bad habit that needs to be worked on.
I do remember before I was married having acquaintances that would call and talk my ear off (especially on the phone) and I would be busy trying to study or something and sometimes
(not saying this was a good idea) I would just do what I had to do without paying attention to them and act what I was listening and occasionally answer a yes or no question without really paying attention. If the person would have asked more difficult questions I would have had to listen or (what I should have done) been tactfully honest.
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Guitar
Guest
Dragging gender into it isn’t always helpful. Lots of stuff that gets labelled a man-thing or a woman-thing would get solved a heckuva lot quicker if it were seen as an issue between two individuals who need to analyse a problem and solve it. Sticking to the problem instead of trying to analyse All Manhood/Womanhood (complicated by the fact that individuals do not always tick along gender stereotype lines therefore a gender-based/biased solution may be putting square pegs in round holes to start with) is sometimes, just sometimes, more efficient.**
Others (especially the men, lol):I am not debating the hows and whys of the differences between male and female communication. I understand that and it is not the problem here. It is the simple acknowledgment of being heard that I need. I don’t care if it is a nod, grunt, or actual english word. ANYTHING to indicate that I would not have been better off talking to the cat
malia**
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jrabs
Guest
Why agonize either way? If there is no response, then just make it your natural assumption that he has not heard you and either repeat the question, or go up to him and directly ask him.
There could be external sounds or distractions he is observing that you cannot hear or see.
It sure would clear up simple frustrations, no?
I do this with my fiancé or children. If they have not responded, then I need to directly ask if they heard me and repeat, or address them up close.
There could be external sounds or distractions he is observing that you cannot hear or see.
It sure would clear up simple frustrations, no?
I do this with my fiancé or children. If they have not responded, then I need to directly ask if they heard me and repeat, or address them up close.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
I am not turning it into a general man/woman thing…just this thread. The men who have posted seemed to have read more into the problem and that is what I was addressing.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**You would think so, wouldn’t you?
But often that entails me going out of my way to find him only to get the “yeah, i heard you”. Well then why did I just have to come all the way upstairs??? argghhhh. On the rarer occasion he gets angry that I repeat myself. I wouldn’t repeat myself if he acknowledged that he heard me****But this thread is turning into more than it’s worth. **
It was a simple pet peeve and generally my hubby is a great guy. I was just wondering if I was the only one bothered by not being acknowledged, that’s all.
Malia
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Shiann
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paradoxy
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I want one! (tell me to go write my essay instead of hang out here!)
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MooCowSteph
Guest
That’s how things go here sometimes too. Are these the same husbands (like mine) who also need to be given the GPS coordinates of something you’ve asked them to grab, such as the baby wipes from the bathroom? What do they look like, where are they? I don’t know…they’re babay wipes and they’re in the bathroom! It’s not hardA second echo here. My husband would not hear the OPs request as an actual request, he would hear it as an optional suggestion. A direct, “would you please…” is almost always met with an immediate response in my house though.
Now, whether or not the baby actually gets clean is another story…
Actually when I think of it, the way bath time works in my house is: “Would you please run the bath for Allen, put him in it, and watch him till I finish , and then I’ll come in and finish him up?” Notice the detail in instruction here. If I were to say, " Would you please give Allen a bath for me?" Hubby would be just as likely to wipe him down with a wet wipe, that is after all much easier than filling the tub.
Not that this thread is about bath time in particular, I mention this to say that specific instructions more than likely produce specific results!
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whatevergirl
Guest
I feel the same way many times…although, he says I can’t hear very well. What happens for us is…I will share a story at work…and he is clearly not listening. (watching a football game or the evolution of the ant on discovery channel, or something like this) So, I continue…and then, there is no answer. I said, didn’t you hear me? And then he repeats everything I said!
I don’t know how they do it, but it’s a clever trick those husbands have, I tell ya!
What happens for us is…I will share a story at work…and he is clearly not listening. (watching a football game or the evolution of the ant on discovery channel, or something like this) So, I continue…and then, there is no answer. I said, didn’t you hear me? And then he repeats everything I said!I don’t know how they do it, but it’s a clever trick those husbands have, I tell ya!
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MaryB23
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I’ll tell you tomorrow.
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gardenswithkids
Guest
If your hubby complains about you repeating yourself, then maybe try waiting longer for his response. Sometimes I ask my husband a question and get no response while I see this look on his face that clearly indicates he’s thinking of something completely different. So I drop the subject and say nothing more, figuring he doesn’t want to talk. Then after an interminably long and awkward silence, he answers my question as if I had just asked it.…**On the rarer occasion he gets angry that I repeat myself. I wouldn’t repeat myself if he acknowledged that he heard me
…
One of my pet peeves: that look on hubby’s face when he’s in another world when I want to talk. That’s why I like you people here on Catholic Answers–*your *faces don’t look disinterested. *Your *faces look like this:
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Guitar
Guest
That’s what I meant too, Malia, sorry for not making that clear - you were just stating something that happened then it was approached as a gender issue by others.
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NoxSineStellae
Guest
Before marrying my DH, I lived with my mother and could not only phrase things indirectly or vaguely and have them perfectly understood, I could not say them altogether and we’d be on the same wavelength and everything would get done - it’s been quite an adjustment
I am learning to be more direct, without feeling like I’m “bossing”. DH says he never feels like I’m bossy/nagging, but if I tell him/directly ask him, I do. I know it’s my issue, and I’m working on it before it causes many more problems. I learned a big lesson friday - we were out, he asked, “Bus or tram”. I said “I hate the bus, I’ll always choose the tram, I have horrible bus-luck, it’s always late when I go for it, the tram runs on time, I want to get home.”
He silently walks to the bus stop
Twenty minutes later, still waiting for a held-up bus in the frigid night, our fingers freezing to the ironing board we’ve been dragging all over the city, I say, “This is why I wanted to take the tram”. He says, honestly perplexed, “They why didn’t you say so?”
Apparently, what he heard, was some sort of nonsensical ramble about public transportation in general. And he’s a good listener. So I told him to not bother asking in the future, the answer will always be the tram, and I will work really really hard on making clear and concise statements/requests in the future
To address the original problem though - my DH always gives an answer if he’s heard me, I consider myself pretty lucky. If he doesn’t answer, I know I have to repeat myself. My father would never acknowledge anything my mother said/requested, and then yell if she repeated herself…very glad I don’t have to deal with those sorts of mind-games.
I am learning to be more direct, without feeling like I’m “bossing”. DH says he never feels like I’m bossy/nagging, but if I tell him/directly ask him, I do. I know it’s my issue, and I’m working on it before it causes many more problems. I learned a big lesson friday - we were out, he asked, “Bus or tram”. I said “I hate the bus, I’ll always choose the tram, I have horrible bus-luck, it’s always late when I go for it, the tram runs on time, I want to get home.”
He silently walks to the bus stop
Twenty minutes later, still waiting for a held-up bus in the frigid night, our fingers freezing to the ironing board we’ve been dragging all over the city, I say, “This is why I wanted to take the tram”. He says, honestly perplexed, “They why didn’t you say so?”
Apparently, what he heard, was some sort of nonsensical ramble about public transportation in general. And he’s a good listener. So I told him to not bother asking in the future, the answer will always be the tram, and I will work really really hard on making clear and concise statements/requests in the future
To address the original problem though - my DH always gives an answer if he’s heard me, I consider myself pretty lucky. If he doesn’t answer, I know I have to repeat myself. My father would never acknowledge anything my mother said/requested, and then yell if she repeated herself…very glad I don’t have to deal with those sorts of mind-games.
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Melo
Guest
It drives me crazy!
When I think my hubbie isn’t listening, I start quizzing him on what I just said. It keeps him on his toes at least some of the time.
When I think my hubbie isn’t listening, I start quizzing him on what I just said. It keeps him on his toes at least some of the time.
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