RCIA: An incident and consideration (black American Catholics?)

  • Thread starter Thread starter iwillrisenow
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

iwillrisenow

Guest
I am currently in an RCIA program near where I live. For about a month or so, I have been seeking knowledge about the Church, growing to see its Truths, and being drawn into the Faith in a way. Though it’s been a bumpy road even within the past few weeks, an incident that occurred yesterday has brought up some questions in my mind.

I was sitting around a table with a number of other church members after mass, when the priest made a joke about my and another black woman’s natural, kinky hair. Everyone in the room laughed for about a minute. I mean, knee-slapping, side-splitting laughter. While the comment was enough to irk me, what really drove the point home was the reaction of my peers.

I am now very aware that the community is not comfortable with me because of my race.

I believe that a person’s spirituality is very tender and can only flourish in a supportive, nourishing environment. This small comment may seem like nothing, especially to those of you who are in the cultural majority at your churches, but to me it was a hurtful comment serving as both a wake-up call and a reminder of the challenges that I will inevitably face as a black American woman in the Catholic Church (especially in the United States). Having such interactions within a parish community is one thing, but for RCIA? I firmly believe that trust is an absolutely vital ingredient. There are other wonderful people there, but the priest is in charge and ultimately sets the tone of the experience as everyone defers to him.

Should I consider looking into an alternative RCIA program (I live in a large urban area and can potentially find a larger, more diverse group)? Do I say something about the incident to someone I trust in the program? Or do I stick it out and suffer in silence (and maybe spend less time with that group and seek out other opportunities to meet Catholics in the area)? I am praying on it, but wanted to share.

Black American/other culturally non-traditional Catholics especially welcome to respond.
 
My feeling, having been on both sides of the fence, is that you should certainly mention your feelings about this to someone, before you leave. They need to know that that sort of thing is unacceptable - otherwise, down the road, they are going to be asking “Why can’t we attract people of other races to come to our parish?” They need to know that what seems like a frivolous joke to them is actually very hurtful to you.

But at the same time, they aren’t going to change their habits overnight, so you will probably need to leave and go to a parish that has already learned how to treat people of every race with respect. But these people need to know why you are leaving, so that they can work towards not making similar mistakes in the future.
 
=iwillrisenow;5822704]I am currently in an RCIA program near where I live. For about a month or so, I have been seeking knowledge about the Church, growing to see its Truths, and being drawn into the Faith in a way. Though it’s been a bumpy road even within the past few weeks, an incident that occurred yesterday has brought up some questions in my mind.
Click to expand...
I was sitting around a table with a number of other church members after mass, when the priest made a joke about my and another black woman’s natural, kinky hair. Everyone in the room laughed for about a minute. I mean, knee-slapping, side-splitting laughter. While the comment was enough to irk me, what really drove the point home was the reaction of my peers.
Click to expand...
I am now very aware that the community is not comfortable with me because of my race.
Click to expand...
I believe that a person’s spirituality is very tender and can only flourish in a supportive, nourishing environment. This small comment may seem like nothing, especially to those of you who are in the cultural majority at your churches, but to me it was a hurtful comment serving as both a wake-up call and a reminder of the challenges that I will inevitably face as a black American woman in the Catholic Church (especially in the United States). Having such interactions within a parish community is one thing, but for RCIA? I firmly believe that trust is an absolutely vital ingredient. There are other wonderful people there, but the priest is in charge and ultimately sets the tone of the experience as everyone defers to him.
Click to expand...
Should I consider looking into an alternative RCIA program (I live in a large urban area and can potentially find a larger, more diverse group)? Do I say something about the incident to someone I trust in the program? Or do I stick it out and suffer in silence (and maybe spend less time with that group and seek out other opportunities to meet Catholics in the area)? I am praying on it, but wanted to share.
Click to expand...
Black American/other culturally non-traditional Catholics especially welcome to respond.
Click to expand...
Dear Sister in Christ Jesus,

May I extend my deepest and sincere apologies for what happened.😊

We so much need to have diversity in our parishes. I get very fustrated over racial prejudice as it simply makes no sense at all. You did’t chose your race any more that I chose mine! So we have no reason to be critical of each other.

But this like piety is a learned response. Gear God help us!

The first thing you should do is confront this priest and tell him clearly, but with charity, how painful this experience was for you. Then depending on his reaction and degree of sorrow and sincerity you should plan you additional actions.

If he just makes light of it; find another program AND write to your Bishop with a ONE page, factual, chairtable recanting of what took place including for follow up meeting.

You are correct; no one should have to deal with racial predijudce, but in a Catholic Church, it can be greviously sinfull and is SHOCKING:eek:

Meet with the DRE [Director of religious education] or pastor at the parish your moving too, and relay in general terms why you are changing.

Pray for this priest and congregation. And friend, I shall pray also for you.

I really like your “name”🙂

Love and prayers,

Pat
 
I was sitting around a table with a number of other church members after mass, when the priest made a joke about my and another black woman’s natural, kinky hair. Everyone in the room laughed for about a minute. I mean, knee-slapping, side-splitting laughter. While the comment was enough to irk me, what really drove the point home was the reaction of my peers.
Click to expand...
He should never have done that and no one should have laughed that much . He probably didn’t think about what he said before he said it.
I am now very aware that the community is not comfortable with me because of my race.
Click to expand...
Chances are, it’s the other way around, you are not comfortable with the community, which is very understandable. If you are not comfortable with them, they will not be comfortable with you. Most of the people at my church are very comfortable (mostly white) around different races, if that person doesn’t make a big deal about their race, and has a nice personality.
Should I consider looking into an alternative RCIA program (I live in a large urban area and can potentially find a larger, more diverse group)? Do I say something about the incident to someone I trust in the program? Or do I stick it out and suffer in silence (and maybe spend less time with that group and seek out other opportunities to meet Catholics in the area)? I am praying on it, but wanted to share.
Click to expand...
If you like the church, stay. If you choose to stay, you might want to have someone say something to the priest so similar things don’t happen again. Chances are he didn’t think about what he said. If you would rather go to a different church, you should.
I am sorry for what happened to you -some people can be insensitive and do not know that they are being offensive.
 
My 1st parish (the one i go to most and went to RCIA in) is so mixed… i am in the MINORITY as an english speaking white person.
we have a largely Latino, and Portugese parish… the polish and Italian contingent… and i would say … depending on which Mass you go to… probably about 20-30% black.
mind you, i hardly ever make the 9 am Mass and i know the (black as far as i can tell) family i went to RCIA with (mom, dad, 6 kids… ) go to the 9 am. so the ratio may be higher.

there are Catholic churches with almost 0 of any race/ethnicity but whatever is dominant… and others that are mixed.

My RCIA class divided the primary English speakers and Spanish speakers. i think the “spanish speaking with black ancestry” was about 40% of the spanish speaking class… which was MOST of the RCIA

the english speakers were a group of about 14 of us, and… ummmmmm…mom, oldest son, the other girl… her friend. that guy…5? i think

and no one would have dared make any even remotely racist joke… sister would have killed them. she is also the director of religious education for the parish school… which is 70% black kids judging by recess.

so you see, like any church its very regional.

now… you MUST go talk to the priest, and tell him his joke was hurtful, and more importantly made you feel unwelcome. and that the reaction of the RCIA class tells you you cannot continue with THIS Parish’s RCIA. ask him to help you find a church where you will not be subject to harrassment and stick by it

i would bet he is clueless, not deliberately racist… but still. if he sincerely doesnt want tyou to feel unwelcome he will try to fix this or find you a new program. if he doesnt call the diocese and ask for a new RCIA parish with a less racist instructor.

unfortunately they are tares among the wheat… and always will be. a large group will have bad people in it… but more liely they will have clueless people in the group.

hugs
good luck
and i assure you, Philadelphia is full of churches where YOU would likely be more at home than I would by the numbers…
 
Ouch. I remember how open and my vulnerable my heart was during RCIA. There were more than a few times I found myself wondering how such kind and holy people could bruise my heart so easily. Please, whatever you should choose to do, do not shield or begin to close off your heart towards people that should be hurtful. It’s tough, very tough, I know.

If you do explore RCIA at another parish, please do speak to the DRE and/or pastor at your current parish prior to leaving. Let them know that you want to make this a “teachable moment” for all involved in the hopes that it should not happen to anyone else again.

May you continue your journey towards Christ and the Catholic church and always allow your faith and the Holy Spirit to sustain you. May you also be able to find and see grace in every moment, even the painful ones. Sometimes that is where grace can abound the most.

Peace and prayers.

ps: People in my parish community are often confused about my ethnicity and make erroneous assumptions about it. Yeah sure, it’s part of who I am but it doesn’t define me as a person. It’s weird to inherit other people’s labels…
 
my personal feeling is that when confronted by ignorant personal remarks like that you have to call them on it right away. This is especially true when the person is someone in authority, especially over the group you are in at the moment. They have to understand the remarks and the reactions are unacceptable. If you remain silent, or laugh, you assent.

No you don’t necessarily have to quit this RCIA, but you are being called to evangelize this group on Christian charity.

go back to the next session and tell them, exactly as you have decribed this here, what you heard and how it made you feel. This is serious, they need to get this lesson from you. God bless you. The Church is great but it is the hospital for sinners, so go into this expecting to run into a lot of us.
 
Why do I feel people are overreacting here and a little oversensitive?

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing…

I do not think that laughing over differences that are hereditary equals prejudice, neither do I think a level of uncomfortableness equals it either. Our culture encourages the latter by making people feel they will be accused of something if they joke about things that are simply differences, not things that make people better or worse in any fundamental way.

I wasn’t there but…

There is no way to get past differences if you do not give people a break and meet them as they are to a certain degree.

Our feelings can be hurt but… we can overcome that… And try to understand others feelings too.

Yes I do think though there is an opportunity to help each here all around. 🙂
 
Shin said:
Why do I feel people are overreacting here and a little oversensitive?

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing…
Click to expand...
I don’t necessarily think anyone has overreacted. The people OP is describing are not just casual aquaintances from church, which would be bad enough, but the priest and others on the RCIA team engaged in the very ministry of evangelizing and welcoming new people into the Church. They of all people should recall they signed a code of ethical conduct and promised not to engage in this very behavior.

Jesus was very harsh on people who used disparaging language toward others, and even equated it to murder.
Forgiveness is fine, but it does not equal condoning objectionable speech and actions.
 
puzzleannie said:
I don’t necessarily think anyone has overreacted. The people OP is describing are not just casual aquaintances from church, which would be bad enough, but the priest and others on the RCIA team engaged in the very ministry of evangelizing and welcoming new people into the Church. They of all people should recall they signed a code of ethical conduct and promised not to engage in this very behavior.

Jesus was very harsh on people who used disparaging language toward others, and even equated it to murder.
Forgiveness is fine, but it does not equal condoning objectionable speech and actions.
Click to expand...
Well, I don’t know what the joke was, and I wasn’t there… and neither do you.

Just from what we’ve been told… which is not enough to judge as well as one would like…

I am not comfortable being so quick to condemn something like that. Merely joking about people’s attributes is not something that is necessarily wrong, even if it may be at time untimely or inappropriate… which is what I get from this… that the pastor made a joke that either was inappropriately timed, or could be considered such but might not be… and the rest sensed it so laughed nervously… not wanting it to become something more than it was.

Leeway, humility, forgiveness… there’s that too.
 
Shin said:
Well, I don’t know what the joke was, and I wasn’t there… and neither do you.

Just from what we’ve been told… which is not enough to judge as well as one would like…

I am not comfortable being so quick to condemn something like that. Merely joking about people’s attributes is not something that is necessarily wrong, even if it may be at time untimely or inappropriate… which is what I get from this… that the pastor made a joke that either was inappropriately timed, or could be considered such but might not be… and the rest sensed it so laughed nervously… not wanting it to become something more than it was.
Click to expand...
It was not the joke itself (although no doubt the joke was also inappropriate), but the fact that the joke was the pretext of uncontrollable laughter at the OP’s expense, that was significant. It signified to the OP that her priest and sponsors are extremely uncomfortable with her, because of her race.

I think anyone who lives in a multicultural society has probably been on both ends of this, if they have lived long enough - and yes, joking about someone’s racial characteristics is always unacceptable - you can joke about your own race, but not someone else’s. Ever.

(Another thing I have learned along the way is that it is an extremely bad idea to discuss racial stereotypes in a mixed group, because nobody wants to know or hear about how they are stereotyped - not really.)

Forgiveness can come when it has been asked for - for right now, the OP should take steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again, which includes telling the priest and the leaders of the RCIA group why she is finding it necessary to leave that particular RCIA group, at this time.
 
Thank you very much for all of the supportive responses. The priest is out of town for the next several days, so I am taking some time to pray on this and perhaps will discuss it with someone I trust who is also involved in the RCIA. It really is something worth discerning, as this is the second little ‘challenge’ I’ve faced since beginning the process (in addition to some internal ‘attacks’), and perhaps these things are coming from a certain someone as I move closer to the Church…

To respond to the ‘overreacting’ posts, I am not a person who cries ‘racist’ at the slightest acknowledgement of difference. As a matter of fact, using the ‘r’ word for a situation such as this may make matters worse. I have travelled quite a bit abroad, sometimes to places where black people are not so common (except on tv, in movies, music, etc.), and of course, there is curiosity: people point out differences. The incident I described is different from this curiosity. There is a history of tension between ethnic groups in the U.S., especially in certain parts of the country, that we sometimes like to pretend isn’t there. It has never quite left us. And it can complicate things, even when we come together as Christians. By making this a point of discussion, I am not pulling the ‘r’ word out on anyone. I shared my experience and personal reaction, at the risk of being called oversensitive, in hopes that a dialogue would emerge (and one certainly has).

That being said, I would like to clarify that the group of individuals who were laughing was not my RCIA group but rather a group of people from Mass (most of whom I do not know well yet). It’s hard to imagine unless you were there, but the laughter (and it wasn’t the nervous chuckling you sometimes get in these situations) is really what got to me, more so because I am new to the group and people do not know me as well.
 
I suggest talking to someone about this too. It wasn’t appropriate at all. The Catholic Church is so diverse, and exists basically in every part of the world… and we’re all one Body of Christ. It’s not a nationalistic church… so I think that’s important for people to realize, that everyone is welcome in the Church. I think it might largely depend on the parish… Most parishes in my area have people with various cultural/racial backgrounds… in some of them I was the minority as a white person. Sometimes it depends on where you live. But in any case racial prejudice is wrong, obviously… I think probably the people in RCIA didn’t mean to be hurtful, so maybe it would be good to let them know it wasn’t appropriate.

Sometimes becoming Catholic can be a very difficult time. As a convert, sometimes I wondered if I’ll ever fit in, for various reasons. I hope this experience didn’t discourage you or made you feel like only white Catholics are welcomed. I know lots of Catholics who are black, - for example two girls who were confirmed with me, the president of my university Catholic club, and friends I’ve met at retreats… also you might know of Cardinal Arinze 🙂 the Church is very multicultural, - even the word ‘catholic’ means universal. However maybe some people haven’t realized that, or maybe they’ve grown up with certain prejudices.

God bless!
 
Ugh… I’m sorry that you encountered yet another ignorant person… I would suggest that you tell the priest that you found his comment offensive. If he cannot recognize why it would have been offensive, then I would consider finding another RCIA option.

Keep in mind that your peers may have reacted more than usual because the comment came from an authority figure. (See: Milgram Experiment for the reason why I say this…)

That being said, if you do not feel comfortable where you are, try to find another RCIA program.
Best of luck! Welcome home!
 
I agree. You need to tell the priest about it.
I can’t conceive of anyone in my RCIA laughing at another person’s appearance.
 
So this story has a bittersweet ending. I talked over the situation with our other RCIA instructor and she explained some of the history behind the relationship between the other woman involved and the priest (which helped me understand the context of the joke). Needless to say, the other woman was not too happy about the comment herself, even though it was something of a familiar joke between them.

Bottom line: I stay put for now, but if something like this happens again, it’s time for a conversation.

It’s hard to be the new kid sometimes…😊
 
Hello iwillrisenow,

I’m sorry you were treated the way you were, even if it happened as part of an in-joke between two people who’ve known each other longer … it happened without your prior knowledge or consent, and in public, where you would expect to find a warm and respectful welcome coming into the Church the way you are.

I’m glad you’re continuing with your faith journey into the Catholic Church. Pray to stay strong and steadfast, and I’ll pray with you as well.

As a small feisty woman with a partially (but highly noticeable at the time from my answering machine message) Irish ethnic background, I can actually relate to unwelcome ethnic comments made by a priest. At least when it happened to me it was not in public. I was on the phone informing the priest that I was switching parishes. He asked the name of my new parish. When I told him, he asked, “What’s a nice Irish girl like you going to do in a Polish parish?”

"Oh, I feel right at home there, Father … " I replied.

The important thing is to keep our eyes on what’s important in the Catholic Church … and that’s Jesus.

Welcome! 🙂

~~ the phoenix
 
I am african american and have natural hair and am currently attending the EF (TLM, Tridentine) masses locally on Sundays. Before we moved here, I belonged to a more traditional NO parish (historically the Irish parish in our city, we used our communion rail, confession available before every Sunday mass etc). I just say this to give you my cultural context.

I am so sorry and as others have noted, you should definitely speak privately with the pastor. As you well know, we still have so many hair issues in the african american community and there are many of other backgrounds who just don’t understand and are not really aware of what can be offensive.

The Lord may be using you as a means of helping that priest and the other members of your RCIA group grow. I urge you to speak with him. I hope he is receptive and only if necessary would you need to go to another parish and RCIA group.

Mary
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top