RCIA - Exploring the Church - Why I may not make it

[AzrealGelert]

(I like to put threads on the right section, but wasn’t sure where this should go, if a mod has a better idea of where to place it please move)

Ok,

So many if not all will know I’m new here, my first post being yesterday regarding my thoughts/questions regarding Judas.

It is time I was honest with you all regarding my journey and why I have no doubt I won’t make it again. I said I was exploring the Catholic Faith for my wife who is Roman Catholic, and this is true; although I have tried once before in the past and went to RCIA for her but left after 6 weeks.

Time to give you my story. Firstly I am not depressed, I love life and my family, its religiously I am miserable, and with the feeling of being, not abandoned, but somewhat alone and (or) undesired.

Ok where to start, I have only been a good person since I met my wife. Before my wife, I was a horrid person. I walked a path so far from God that you can’t even imagine. I don’t really want to go into my past in detail but I will tell you bits. I was not a good, moral, ethical, caring human being, some would even say I was the scum of society. I also had a real issue with God. I hated him with my very soul. I would often …its embarrassing to say, pray simply to tell God how much I hated him and what a worthless pieces of (you can imagine) he was, I would pray to simply verbally abuse God and tell him how much I hated his very being. I purposely did EVERYTHING against what he would want me to do. I really cant stress enough how much hatred I had for God, I would just pray, and pray and pray, and it would just be all insults on how much he hasn’t done, and how little he helps anyone in need, and how much suffering he allows on humans, animals and the environment. I became a drug addict, which led me to needing a hart operation. It was around this time I met a girl online who later became my wife today, she lived in Canada and helped me get off the drugs. We had plans for me to come and see her after my heart op. Before the op I requested a DNR (Do, Not Resuscitate), it was my way of showing God I wasn’t afraid to die and tell him face to face of what I thought of him. However, an hour before for the first time I was scared of dying, and although didn’t regret everything I had said to God, I was genuine when I told him I was terrified and didn’t want to die yet. I woke up hours later, and again, although didn’t repent I did thank him for not letting me die before I met my future wife.

To this day I still haven’t looked or asked for forgiveness for any of my actions, I have said sorry in prayer for what I have done in the past, but have never officially asked for forgiveness on everything I did, and my actions. Why? What if some people aren’t savable? It’s easy to say God doesn’t think like that, but what if he does? I am not only terrified that he will reject me for all I have done (which is understandable), but also terrified that I pushed it to far, did I murder anyone, no, but some things are worse I think. So in the past when I tried exploring the Catholic Church I left RCIA because I fear that some can’t be saved, and fear that I may be one of them, or fear the rejection of God due to my past. The fear of rejection from God is unbearable; hence I sometimes feel a connection to Judas. I betrayed him in my actions thoughts, and words. I worry maybe this is now my cross to bear, to go through life not knowing if I did push it to far and lost any chance of receiving Gods love. I apologize all the time, but can’t bring myself to ask for forgiveness due to the idea of what if that grace of forgiveness isn’t felt. Then what? What if I complete RCIA, baptism comes when you are washed clean, and the feeling others have described as indescribable isn’t there…And is still have the feeling that I haven’t done enough to be forgiven and never will. And ultimately still feel…alone, religiously.

I hope some, or anyone can offer some kind of guidance, on how to approach this, or overcome it. I know this could and most likely will be the reason I don’t make it again, even though I would like to. I am sorry for my life story, but the only way I think anyone can help is if they know.

 

[just_came_back]

(I like to put threads on the right section, but wasn’t sure where this should go, if a mod has a better idea of where to place it please move)

Ok,

So many if not all will know I’m new here, my first post being yesterday regarding my thoughts/questions regarding Judas.

It is time I was honest with you all regarding my journey and why I have no doubt I won’t make it again. I said I was exploring the Catholic Faith for my wife who is Roman Catholic, and this is true; although I have tried once before in the past and went to RCIA for her but left after 6 weeks.

Time to give you my story. Firstly I am not depressed, I love life and my family, its religiously I am miserable, and with the feeling of being, not abandoned, but somewhat alone and (or) undesired.

Ok where to start, I have only been a good person since I met my wife. Before my wife, I was a horrid person. I walked a path so far from God that you can’t even imagine. I don’t really want to go into my past in detail but I will tell you bits. I was not a good, moral, ethical, caring human being, some would even say I was the scum of society. I also had a real issue with God. I hated him with my very soul. I would often …its embarrassing to say, pray simply to tell God how much I hated him and what a worthless pieces of (you can imagine) he was, I would pray to simply verbally abuse God and tell him how much I hated his very being. I purposely did EVERYTHING against what he would want me to do. I really cant stress enough how much hatred I had for God, I would just pray, and pray and pray, and it would just be all insults on how much he hasn’t done, and how little he helps anyone in need, and how much suffering he allows on humans, animals and the environment. I became a drug addict, which led me to needing a hart operation. It was around this time I met a girl online who later became my wife today, she lived in Canada and helped me get off the drugs. We had plans for me to come and see her after my heart op. Before the op I requested a DNR (Do, Not Resuscitate), it was my way of showing God I wasn’t afraid to die and tell him face to face of what I thought of him. However, an hour before for the first time I was scared of dying, and although didn’t regret everything I had said to God, I was genuine when I told him I was terrified and didn’t want to die yet. I woke up hours later, and again, although didn’t repent I did thank him for not letting me die before I met my future wife.

To this day I still haven’t looked or asked for forgiveness for any of my actions, I have said sorry in prayer for what I have done in the past, but have never officially asked for forgiveness on everything I did, and my actions. Why? What if some people aren’t savable? It’s easy to say God doesn’t think like that, but what if he does? I am not only terrified that he will reject me for all I have done (which is understandable), but also terrified that I pushed it to far, did I murder anyone, no, but some things are worse I think. So in the past when I tried exploring the Catholic Church I left RCIA because I fear that some can’t be saved, and fear that I may be one of them, or fear the rejection of God due to my past. The fear of rejection from God is unbearable; hence I sometimes feel a connection to Judas. I betrayed him in my actions thoughts, and words. I worry maybe this is now my cross to bear, to go through life not knowing if I did push it to far and lost any chance of receiving Gods love. I apologize all the time, but can’t bring myself to ask for forgiveness due to the idea of what if that grace of forgiveness isn’t felt. Then what? What if I complete RCIA, baptism comes when you are washed clean, and the feeling others have described as indescribable isn’t there…And is still have the feeling that I haven’t done enough to be forgiven and never will. And ultimately still feel…alone, religiously.

I hope some, or anyone can offer some kind of guidance, on how to approach this, or overcome it. I know this could and most likely will be the reason I don’t make it again, even though I would like to. I am sorry for my life story, but the only way I think anyone can help is if they know.

You are THIS CLOSE to committing the unpardonable sin here my friend!!! The absolute, willing rejection of God’s salvation is the most damnable sin you can ever commit? Christ died so that ALL MIGHT BE SAVED. There is no sin, not ONE, so bad that you’ve committed that Christ cannot forgive. Talk to a priest and step out in faith but do not EVER despair because that offends God more than anything you’ve ever done.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” - Romans 5:8

God bless you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Whether or not you have a feeling is not a measure of God’s forgiveness for your sins. You must BELIEVE that God is a loving, forgiving (but also just) God, whether or not you “feel” anything. Our feelings come and go, and while it is nice to have a flood of warmth or love or whatever as we come out of the confessional or after we consume the Body and Blood of Jesus, it is not going to happen every time, and some people NEVER have that experience.

Dear friend, do you really want to risk dying and never knowing the love of Christ? Do you really want to risk Hell out of some misplaced notion of punishment for your prior sins? Did you know that Jesus died on that cross for YOU and YOUR SINS that you are still committing? It wasn’t just one historical event, done for that time and then only, He knew every sin YOU were going to commit and He died so that you could have eternal life. I wish I could transmit that knowledge to you somehow, because once you recognize what Jesus’ sacrifice means to you, today, you would never want to sin again.

Please do not reject Jesus and go to Hell! He is holding out His arms to you even now. Read the story of the prodigal son in Luke. You can stay away but He still looks for you with anticipation. Go to Him and stop being hateful. He loves you even in your sin, but He looks for you to come to him humbled.

 

[ChibiViolet]

God can and will forgive ANY sin. For about two years I was a devotional Satanist (I wanted to join a cult, but didn’t know how) and He called me back and forgave me.

 

[triumphguy]

(I like to put threads on the right section, but wasn’t sure where this should go, if a mod has a better idea of where to place it please move)

Ok,

So many if not all will know I’m new here, my first post being yesterday regarding my thoughts/questions regarding Judas.

It is time I was honest with you all regarding my journey and why I have no doubt I won’t make it again. I said I was exploring the Catholic Faith for my wife who is Roman Catholic, and this is true; although I have tried once before in the past and went to RCIA for her but left after 6 weeks.

Time to give you my story. Firstly I am not depressed, I love life and my family, its religiously I am miserable, and with the feeling of being, not abandoned, but somewhat alone and (or) undesired.

Ok where to start, I have only been a good person since I met my wife. Before my wife, I was a horrid person. I walked a path so far from God that you can’t even imagine. I don’t really want to go into my past in detail but I will tell you bits. I was not a good, moral, ethical, caring human being, some would even say I was the scum of society. I also had a real issue with God. I hated him with my very soul. I would often …its embarrassing to say, pray simply to tell God how much I hated him and what a worthless pieces of (you can imagine) he was, I would pray to simply verbally abuse God and tell him how much I hated his very being. I purposely did EVERYTHING against what he would want me to do. I really cant stress enough how much hatred I had for God, I would just pray, and pray and pray, and it would just be all insults on how much he hasn’t done, and how little he helps anyone in need, and how much suffering he allows on humans, animals and the environment. I became a drug addict, which led me to needing a hart operation. It was around this time I met a girl online who later became my wife today, she lived in Canada and helped me get off the drugs. We had plans for me to come and see her after my heart op. Before the op I requested a DNR (Do, Not Resuscitate), it was my way of showing God I wasn’t afraid to die and tell him face to face of what I thought of him. However, an hour before for the first time I was scared of dying, and although didn’t regret everything I had said to God, I was genuine when I told him I was terrified and didn’t want to die yet. I woke up hours later, and again, although didn’t repent I did thank him for not letting me die before I met my future wife.

To this day I still haven’t looked or asked for forgiveness for any of my actions, I have said sorry in prayer for what I have done in the past, but have never officially asked for forgiveness on everything I did, and my actions. Why? What if some people aren’t savable? It’s easy to say God doesn’t think like that, but what if he does? I am not only terrified that he will reject me for all I have done (which is understandable), but also terrified that I pushed it to far, did I murder anyone, no, but some things are worse I think. So in the past when I tried exploring the Catholic Church I left RCIA because I fear that some can’t be saved, and fear that I may be one of them, or fear the rejection of God due to my past. The fear of rejection from God is unbearable; hence I sometimes feel a connection to Judas. I betrayed him in my actions thoughts, and words. I worry maybe this is now my cross to bear, to go through life not knowing if I did push it to far and lost any chance of receiving Gods love. I apologize all the time, but can’t bring myself to ask for forgiveness due to the idea of what if that grace of forgiveness isn’t felt. Then what? What if I complete RCIA, baptism comes when you are washed clean, and the feeling others have described as indescribable isn’t there…And is still have the feeling that I haven’t done enough to be forgiven and never will. And ultimately still feel…alone, religiously.

I hope some, or anyone can offer some kind of guidance, on how to approach this, or overcome it. I know this could and most likely will be the reason I don’t make it again, even though I would like to. I am sorry for my life story, but the only way I think anyone can help is if they know.

Jesus Christ has ALREADY died for you.

He’s just waiting for you to make the next move.

BTW neither you, nor I, nor anyone can do enough to atone for our sins or the sins of the world. BUT we don’t need to - Christ has already atoned.

 

[Della]

If you were unsavable, you would not be here asking for help. The truly unsavable hate God for who he really is. You hated a god of your own making–an unloving being who didn’t care about you or anyone else. Judas knew the real Christ for 3 years and betrayed him. You have no idea who God really is if you think he couldn’t and wouldn’t have forgiven Judas if he had wanted to be forgiven. You don’t even come close to being unsavable. Sorry to hurt your pride , but it’s the simple truth You have my prayers, please say a prayer for me, too.

 

[St_Francis]

Judas did not ask for Christ’s forgiveness, which we can see by His actions he would have reaily done because He forgave Peter, who denied Him 3 times, and asked God’s forgiveness for those who crucified Him. The Good Thief on the Cross asked only that Christ remember Him, but Christ said he would be with Him in Paradise.

Believe me, there are much worse sinners than you have been who have been forgiven! ***but they had to ask. ***

Ask and you will receive.

And a little point: feelings are not facts. Have you ever felt something and then found out you were wrong? I remember my friend and housemate called me at work and told me she wanted to talk with me after work and I fretted the entire time thinking that she was upset about something I had done, and then it turned out she was getting married!

Christ will forgive you if you ask, and if you go through with RCIA and go to Confession sacramentally, you will *know *you have been forgiven because it will be a fact–as Christ’s representative, the priest will say that your sins are forgiven.

If you do not “feel” forgiven, it will not be because Christ does not forgive you.

I pray that you will ask His forgiveness right away and receive a sign, and then that you will enter the Church and now for sure. Let Him free you from this burden by laying it at His Feet.

 

[Church_Militant]

So my friend, you have been a rotten guy? Worse than crucifying the Son of God? We ALL did that with all our sins.

Let me turn you on to a devotion that you may find a real blessing and a comfort because I have…and, like you, I was not an angel by any means.

The Divine Mercy Chaplet and this link will take you to a site where you can get a CD of the Rosary and DMC for only a dollar’s worth of postage and handling, and it’s well worth it.

Our Lord said to Saint Faustina:

Encourage souls to say the Chaplet which I have given you … Whoever will recite it will receive great mercy at the hour of death … When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between my Father and the dying person, not as the Just Judge but as the Merciful Savior … Priests will recommend it to sinners as their last hope of salvation. Even if there were a sinner most hardened, if he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from my infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls who trust in My mercy … Through the Chaplet you will obtain everything, if what you ask for is compatible with My will.

In fact…I have opened a special thread for us all to pray this chaplet constantly for all those like you and I who are often weighed down by our sinful pasts. Perpetual Divine Mercy Chaplet for the conversion of sinners. So feel free to come join me.

Do not despair my friend. Do you suppose that the changes you have made are solely because of your wife, or that she is not a messenger and instrument of God’s love and merciful grace to you? Mine is the same way and I often thank God for her (and my sons) love for me which is indeed a strong witness of His love for me.

Remember St. Peter? Cool guy huh? Check out what he told Our Lord when he realized who Jesus was.

Luke 5:1] While the people pressed upon him to hear the word of God, he was standing by the lake of Gennes’aret. 2] And he saw two boats by the lake; but the fishermen had gone out of them and were washing their nets. 3] Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon’s, he asked him to put out a little from the land. And he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 4] And when he had ceased speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” 5] And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” 6] And when they had done this, they enclosed a great shoal of fish; and as their nets were breaking, 7] they beckoned to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. 8] But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” 9] For he was astonished, and all that were with him, at the catch of fish which they had taken; 10] and so also were James and John, sons of Zeb’edee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, “Do not be afraid; henceforth you will be catching men.”

Are you and I all that different? I’ll be going in to Mass a little early this evening and will be praying this chaplet just for you. Shoot me a PM if you ever just wanna talk.

 

[loozcannon]

It was said once “Where sin abounds, grace abounds even more.”

Everyone here has offered some great advice.

You sound like you are already repentant, just ask, and it will be given!

 

[Hmgbrd]

Dear AzrealGelert,
When I read your post I see that God loves you now so much. Look at the blessings that you have already recieved from Him! Your love for your wife and her love for you, family, freedom from your past behaviors, and being able to recognize and pray to Him. Many can’t or don’t even have that connection of prayer! The courage to move forward despite your fears! You are babysteps from his loving arms. In God’s eyes you are supersavable. Remember that before you were born He knew you. The Shepherd knows each sheep and he knows your heart. You are precious to Him. Your own fear of the future is what is in your own way, separating you from Him. Learn to forgive yourself. Pray to Him to grow the Faith that he has given you. It is truly a process of trust, love and growth between both of you.

I came into the CC church this vigil so I just completed the process of RCIA. So on a technical standpoint, the pocess doesn’t just begin with the RCIA procedure. This is an eternal journey of the heart and you have already turned to Him and are moving forward towards Him. Don’t stop now! At the beginning of your post you said that you were doing this for your wife. Everyone has their own journey. Do this for yourself. You deserve it. Put your fears in God’s hands. Put your love in God’s hands, Offer to him your past, doubt and uncertainties, even your inabilty to ask for forgiveness. Trust in His Mercy. He truly loves you. It is worth it. One year of sticking out the RCIA classes isn’t hard.

One last thought… you are not alone. We are all unworthy of God’s grace and we know it. We are all sinners and not perfect. God’s mercy and patience is unending. He is waiting for you.

 

[JRKH]

Dear one,
You are receiving so many good responses, I am going to make mine brief. I hope you will forgive if I am blunt in spots.

To this day I still haven’t looked or asked for forgiveness for any of my actions, I have said sorry in prayer for what I have done in the past, but have never officially asked for forgiveness on everything I did, and my actions.

If you said “Sorry” to God…you have done so “officially” - God is very easy going when it comes to recovering a lost sheep.

Why? What if some people aren’t savable? It’s easy to say God doesn’t think like that, but what if he does?

If some people aren’t savable - well there is nothing that can be done…But it will be God and not we who determine which is which.
You were a drug addict right? You got off drugs right?? Well if you could get off of that addiction you can get off this addiction to hate and self loathing. Sure you can give up and sink back into the addiction, but is that what you really want? I don’t think so or you would not be here.

I am not only terrified that he will reject me for all I have done (which is understandable), but also terrified that I pushed it to far, did I murder anyone, no, but some things are worse I think. So in the past when I tried exploring the Catholic Church I left RCIA because I fear that some can’t be saved, and fear that I may be one of them, or fear the rejection of God due to my past.

There may be some that are not savable…But if you were one of these you would not be trying. Don’t let your past control you…God has already forgiven you…It is you who need to accept it.

The fear of rejection from God is unbearable; hence I sometimes feel a connection to Judas. I betrayed him in my actions thoughts, and words.

Two people betrayed Christ that night. Judas, and Peter. Judas did not repent - Peter did repent. It’s your choice which you wish to be.

I worry maybe this is now my cross to bear, to go through life not knowing if I did push it to far and lost any chance of receiving Gods love. I apologize all the time, but can’t bring myself to ask for forgiveness due to the idea of what if that grace of forgiveness isn’t felt. Then what? What if I complete RCIA, baptism comes when you are washed clean, and the feeling others have described as indescribable isn’t there…And is still have the feeling that I haven’t done enough to be forgiven and never will. And ultimately still feel…alone, religiously.

Our pasts ARE our crosses - and we all have them. I too spent many years in deep sin - that I won’t go into here. We cannot change that past nor can we forget it. What we CAN do is to turn it to good. To learn from it and maybe even use it in some ministry work for God. So - don’t let memories stop you from moving forward.

I hope some, or anyone can offer some kind of guidance, on how to approach this, or overcome it. I know this could and most likely will be the reason I don’t make it again, even though I would like to. I am sorry for my life story, but the only way I think anyone can help is if they know.

I know I have not offered very much, but it is heartfelt. Please persevere. Like I said above, these feelings that you have are no different than those feelings that kept trying to drag you back down into drug addiction. Fight them - and defeat them. Move forward as an act of Will and of Love for your wife and for the God who gave her to you.

Peace
James

 

[John_of_Woking]

Amen,Amen Truly I say to you, you are NOT FAR from the Kingdom of God. Mercy is yours

 

[IrishRush]

Two people betrayed Christ that night. Judas, and Peter. Judas did not repent - Peter did repent. It’s your choice which you wish to be.

If you want to cut to the chase, this says it all right here. You have a choice to make brother, and only you can make it.
May God keep you close on this journey to Him. May He guide to straight into His loving arms, to stay forever.
God bless you.

 

[Delaine75]

Before I decided to take RCIA classes, I also had a past where I was VERRRRRY far from God. Oh, I believed He existed, but mocked Him and insulted His name every time I got the opportunity to do so. I thought I was doing perfectly fine on my own, without God, and that when I left this life, whatever happened, happened. I wasn’t worried about it.

An event happened in my life where I found myself completely trusting in God. From that point on, I abandoned my old ways and continued to walk with God. 2 Peter 3:9 says: The Lord does not delay his promise, as some regard “delay,” but he is patient with you, not wishing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. I believe that God wants all of us with Him. I believe that when we are baptized, we truly are washed of ALL of our sins (including our ugly past no matter what it was). If you choose to be baptized, will you suddenly have this shining moment and feel a huge weight lifted? I don’t know. Only you will know. I was very emotional afterward because I knew that what had occurred was a wonderful example of God’s mercy toward us sinners. I was now a new person in the eyes of God.

Please don’t take RCIA classes with the idea that you’re unworthy of anything. We are ALL unworthy, to be honest with you. It is through God’s love and mercy and giving us the Sacraments that God shows us how much we mean to Him, even when we screw up, even when WE feel unworthy. But keep in mind… if you stay in that mindset, it can most definitely be the devil getting into your head and convincing you that God doesn’t want you! No past is too bad for God to handle! Jesus didn’t come for the righteous, he came for the sinners, my friend.

I will definitely pray for you. I hope you will give RCIA another chance. Taking the classes does not mean you are committing to become Catholic at the Easter Vigil unless you are ready to. You can take the classes, learn more about the faith and about God, and if you’re still unsure or not ready, you can take them again the following year. But please don’t give up because you feel unworthy of God’s love. Trust. Have faith. You will get there.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I prayed for you during Mass tonight.

The 2nd reading was about Paul’s “thorn in the side.” A most apt reading, I think.

 

[grandfather]

(I hope some, or anyone can offer some kind of guidance, on how to approach this, or overcome it. I know this could and most likely will be the reason I don’t make it again, even though I would like to. I am sorry for my life story, but the only way I think anyone can help is if they know.

We do not know God loves us by what we feel. We know He loves us by what He did.

You must think you are very great if you think your sins are bigger than God’s mercy.

 

[AzrealGelert]

Hi everyone,

I firstly would like to thank you all for your guidance and prayers. I think maybe the question I should be asking myself is how do I forgive myself for what i have done against God?

I have decided to return to RCIA, and actually had somewhat of a heart to heart with Christ today since reading all the responses. I’m not going to lie and say everything is fixed, but what i will say, I took the step of announcing to Him in prayer that I am willing to put my trust in Him and will attempt RCIA, and put a lll my effort into it.

I also, have made an appointment to talk to my local priest, where, obviously he can’t sacramentally hear my confession, but has said that I can come in and i suppose make an unoffical confession? basically, the idea is maybe if i sit down, and actually get all these sins of my chest it may help!

Thanks for being here for me everyone

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hi everyone,

I firstly would like to thank you all for your guidance and prayers. I think maybe the question I should be asking myself is how do I forgive myself for what i have done against God?

I have decided to return to RCIA, and actually had somewhat of a heart to heart with Christ today since reading all the responses. I’m not going to lie and say everything is fixed, but what i will say, I took the step of announcing to Him in prayer that I am willing to put my trust in Him and will attempt RCIA, and put a lll my effort into it.

I also, have made an appointment to talk to my local priest, where, obviously he can’t sacramentally hear my confession, but has said that I can come in and i suppose make an unoffical confession? basically, the idea is maybe if i sit down, and actually get all these sins of my chest it may help!

Thanks for being here for me everyone

:dancing::extrahappy::yup::clapping:

Being willing is the very first step. God will lead you home. I will keep you in my prayers. Great to hear that you will talk to the priest!

 

[snarflemike]

Not only will God forgive you, but he has waited since the beginning of time to forgive you. Cast aside your pride (for that is what holds you back, a perverse pride in how sinful you think you are), repent and accept God’s forgiveness and his flood of grace, mold your will to his will and become a saint. It’s all that matters, truly it is.

 

[tqualey]

Hi, AzrealGelert,

I am relieved to read you latest post. God loves each of us individually - not as some kind of collected group of sinners - but each of us - as an individual sinner! What is really important is to spend time in prayer to the Holy Spirit asking for an increase in your Faith.

Discouragement is the #1 Tool of Satan - and, he has had so much practice - he really does one hell-of-a-job to get people to withdraw into themselves and pour on the thick mass of despair and depression). Seriously, you have had a flood of excellent responses - and I think you have the idea that we care for people in such a position… and most of us do! So, here you have ‘perfect strangers’ giving you accurate information, combined with a genuine feeling that you come out of this mental fog you find yourself. And you found a list serve that has both an excellent reputation and a provider of excellent information. And most importantly, you have a Saving Lord, Who died for you sins.

Truly, discouragement leads to other things - and none of them are good! The way I read your ost, I am guessing that you are also working on having clinical depression. This is really a treatable problem - but, only if you avail yourself of specialized care and attention. The real problem is that people with depression never stay still - they are in a downward spiral - and thinking ‘happy thoughts’ is not going to change that situiation. While seeking medical attention sounds like a good idea … if you have thoughts of being a danger to yourself or to others - please report to the closest hospital Emergency Department and tell the doctor what you are thinking of doing to yourself.

Every year thousands of people avoid seeking the help that they need - and, as a result they do tremendous violence to one another. While making a real move to learning more about the Catholic Faith by joining CAF - you honestly need to combine this with prayers to increasing your spiritual life. Here is a link you may find helpful: comepraytherosary.org/ Here is a prayer you can right now if you so choose:

**Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
implored your help or sought your intercession,
was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother;
to you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.

O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.**

God bless your efforts to honestly move forward in your life, to seek forgiveness of God and from all who you have injured - unless doing so would cause them additional problems.

Hope this helps. God bless

My recommendation would be to begin developing a devotion to Our Blessed Mother. You just can not go wrong with such a devotion Here is a link you may find helpful: comepraytherosary.org/.

When you honetly and objectively look at your current position - you may want to consider

Ah, maybe if you changed your CAF name to something more positive - this would give you a less negative view of yourslef and your past. Here is a link> en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azrael

Hi everyone,

I firstly would like to thank you all for your guidance and prayers. I think maybe the question I should be asking myself is how do I forgive myself for what i have done against God?

I have decided to return to RCIA, and actually had somewhat of a heart to heart with Christ today since reading all the responses. I’m not going to lie and say everything is fixed, but what i will say, I took the step of announcing to Him in prayer that I am willing to put my trust in Him and will attempt RCIA, and put a lll my effort into it.

I also, have made an appointment to talk to my local priest, where, obviously he can’t sacramentally hear my confession, but has said that I can come in and i suppose make an unoffical confession? basically, the idea is maybe if i sit down, and actually get all these sins of my chest it may help!

Thanks for being here for me everyone