Re: how long does it take to get over a loss?

[anon52328184]

i have a hard time recovering from the number of losses i have experienced in my lifetime. i lost both of my parents 26 years ago when i was 30. they died 3 months apart. since then, other close relatives have passed. i find a lingering depression over these losses and i can’t shake it. i have read a few books on grief and grieving and they help for a little bit, but then i get sad again. has anyone else had a problem with grieving after a death or a series of deaths?

 

[whatevergirl]

i have a hard time recovering from the number of losses i have experienced in my lifetime. i lost both of my parents 26 years ago when i was 30. they died 3 months apart. since then, other close relatives have passed. i find a lingering depression over these losses and i can’t shake it. i have read a few books on grief and grieving and they help for a little bit, but then i get sad again. has anyone else had a problem with grieving after a death or a series of deaths?

Hi deborah–so sorry for your losses. I lost my parents when I was 9 and 10 respectively…my dad first to cancer, my mom in a car accident. I didn’t grieve as a child…I don’t think kids completely grasp what’s going on around them, when it comes to death of loved ones, until years later. That was my experience. I had a difficult time with their losses in my 20’s…and still to this day, have a fear of loss. Although I’m much better praise be to God,because I have prayed for the graces to ‘get over’ this fear.

So, not sure if we ever will be fully free of the loss of our loved ones. I don’t have lingering depression, but how it manifests is maybe when I’m facing a potential ‘next’ loss in my life…I turn everything back into the feelings I had when losing my parents. The feeling of abandonment, feeling of fear, feeling of anger…sadness…it rushes back at times, when I’m faced with challenges that honestly, have nothing to do with loss, but I sometimes turn the events that are happening, into the events I experienced with my parents’ deaths. So, for me, while it’s not depression, my mind still doesn’t let me forget, shall we say.

I would say that you should just allow yourself the time when you are feeling blue about these losses, to mourn. There is no time frame for mourning. If it is adversely affecting your life, you can’t get out of bed, then seeking counseling could be beneficial. I also recommend some good Catholic books about the grief process. CS Lewis wrote one about grief…can’t remember the title right now, but if you google his name and ‘grief’ it should come up. It helped me tremendously.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. Loss in life affects us all in different ways, and leaning on Christ, uniting this suffering with His…it takes time and continuous prayer. I also ask Mary to pray for me in this area–and wow, it has helped me also so much!

Praying for you–again, please feel free to pm me. I know about such losses, and please know that your feelings are not abnormal or anything. There are ways to coping with loss, and grieving to where it can be healthy. Unhealthy mourning, where you can’t function, etc for years, is what I would be more concerned with, but sounds like you, like me, just have days when it rocks your core.

Hope my words here helped a little. ((hugs))

 

[anon52328184]

thank you for your reply. it always helps to hear someone else’s story.
i led a secular life for 35 of my 56 years and just converted to Catholicism one month ago. i did find some little books on grief at one of the Catholic churches i attended. they did help. i will have to check out the book by C.S Lewis. that must have been very hard as a child to lose both of your parents.
i think i was busy all of those years i was raising my son alone. (i got divorced 3 years after i lost my parents) however, once my son left home and got married, then i was alone and really began dealing with the loss.
the emotions you mentioned of abandonment, anger, fear are all i have experienced. i am hoping that my new faith will help me have a closer relationship with Jesus and i will find peace. thanks for your kind words.

 

[whatevergirl]

thank you for your reply. it always helps to hear someone else’s story.
i led a secular life for 35 of my 56 years and just converted to Catholicism one month ago. i did find some little books on grief at one of the Catholic churches i attended. they did help. i will have to check out the book by C.S Lewis. that must have been very hard as a child to lose both of your parents.
i think i was busy all of those years i was raising my son alone. (i got divorced 3 years after i lost my parents) however, once my son left home and got married, then i was alone and really began dealing with the loss.
the emotions you mentioned of abandonment, anger, fear are all i have experienced. i am hoping that my new faith will help me have a closer relationship with Jesus and i will find peace. thanks for your kind words.

((hugs to you)) Welcome to the faith!!!

Your faith as a practicing Catholic will help you immensely. I bring all of my fears to Christ…lay them before Him, and somehow…I have grown much more peaceful. My marriage years ago was even affected by my anger with my parents’ deaths. Anger is an emotion people don’t always tie in with the grieving process. But, if you read books or get counseling on it–you’ll realize that anger is all intertwined with dealing with loss. It was the main emotion I felt for years, more than sadness…more than fear. I was angry even with God at times, for ‘taking’ my parents away. I now see that where I am today, is all part of God’s enormous and unfathomable plan for my life. I no longer try to figure it all out–I leave it to Him. Even with all of the pain and grief I have felt in my lifetime, I am grateful to God for my crosses. He has taught me well, and helped me to grow in faith.

God doesn’t want to see us suffer, but in our suffering we grow to be more like Christ.

I think your son leaving the home, probably dredged up feelings of loss. That’s probably why it feels like you’re losing your parents all over again–I understand. Just take it all and leave it with God…even if you have to do it several times per day…eventually, you won’t feel the crushing pain of losing your parents. It was a great day when I could look back at my parents and remember THEIR LIVES and smile. I hadn’t done that for so long, I was only focusing on their deaths and why me? why me? But, God is the best Counselor, I know. lol Let Him heal you.

God bless,
Sharon

 

[Gemmaologist]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Deborah.

I agree with everything that the previous poster said… there is no time frame for “recovery” after a loss. We all deal with loss in our own ways, and many external factors can delay this healing.

I think that we will always sort of feel that pain of a loss, no matter how many years have passed. That feeling is OK… emotion is what makes us human. It’s how we deal with those feelings that’s important.

I am concerned that you seem to be exhibiting some symptoms of saddness that may be best addressed with a counselor. There are many professionals that specialize in grief counseling, and might find it helpful to discuss your feelings and how to come to terms with those feelings with someone who is trained to understand the psychology behind grief and loss. I don’t know if this is something that you’d be willing to do, but it might be worth looking into.

 

[anon52328184]

oh you are so right. God was the target of my anger for so many years.
i think i am coming to terms with that now and a sign of that is converting to Catholicism. for me, i am reaching out to God again and admitting i need His help and i want Him back in my life again.

one thing i like about being Catholic is that there are masses everyday. it helps so much just to go on any morning and be with a group of people who are probably hurting like i am and know that i am not alone.

 

[anon52328184]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Deborah.

I agree with everything that the previous poster said… there is no time frame for “recovery” after a loss. We all deal with loss in our own ways, and many external factors can delay this healing.

I think that we will always sort of feel that pain of a loss, no matter how many years have passed. That feeling is OK… emotion is what makes us human. It’s how we deal with those feelings that’s important.

I am concerned that you seem to be exhibiting some symptoms of saddness that may be best addressed with a counselor. There are many professionals that specialize in grief counseling, and might find it helpful to discuss your feelings and how to come to terms with those feelings with someone who is trained to understand the psychology behind grief and loss. I don’t know if this is something that you’d be willing to do, but it might be worth looking into.

thanks for your reply. yes, i have sought counseling the past 10 years, but i just kept getting worse. i was having serious health issues at the same time so i was dealing with a lot of things. however, i think that by converting to Catholicism i am on the right track to recovering and trying to be a part of the community again. for awhile, i just wanted to be left alone and had a hard time maintaining any type of relationship. i used to be a very religious person, and then i let other things have more importance in my life than my relationship with God. it is hard finding a good counselor in this day and age.
thanks for your advice.

 

[dmelosi]

i have a hard time recovering from the number of losses i have experienced in my lifetime. i lost both of my parents 26 years ago when i was 30. they died 3 months apart. since then, other close relatives have passed. i find a lingering depression over these losses and i can’t shake it. i have read a few books on grief and grieving and they help for a little bit, but then i get sad again. has anyone else had a problem with grieving after a death or a series of deaths?

Hi Deborah,
There are a couple of things the Catholic Church teaches about death.

1. That God takes a person at the time in their life that they have the best chance of getting to heaven.
2. That all of the souls in heaven are present during mass. From the time the mass starts until the time it ends.

Have faith in God and what Jesus taught us. Celebrate mass in a new way.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Deborah, as Catholics we believe that our relationship with those who have died can be closer than when they lived here on earth. That we can still help those souls in Purgatory (maybe your parents?) and that the souls in Heaven can help us. We never really get over loss. Our souls were made for eternity, and this world is finite. We want love and people to last forever and when it doesn’t, it’s a reminder that we weren’t made to stay here forever either.

I find one of the most amazing stories of loss ever is the biography of Pope John Paul II. By the time he was 21 he had lost every member of his family and many of his friends. God took those people. At the time, who could have known God someday would give him the paternal care of the largest family in the world. I would recommend you turning in prayer to that holy saint and asking his help in dealing with your pain. If anyone knows how he does.

His love for his children didn’t end when he died. Neither did your parents’ love for you. You can still help them and show them you love them by having masses said for them and praying for their souls. And they can still help and guide you.

God bless.

 

[anon52328184]

i think my case is a little more complicated. my parents were not my biological parents, although i loved them a lot. they were difficult because they had a bad marriage and both had substance abuse problems - alcohol and pills. i guess i felt most of the time that i was the parent of them since i was the oldest. sometimes i feel guilty because i remember the bad things that happened growing up and i can’t remember the happy times. and once they had passed away i was treated very badly by other members of the family who were all biologically related. it was very painful. then i really felt alone. i used to think of myself as a survivor, but at times i get overwhelmed.
i read about Pope JPII and his life story. i think he must have had a stronger faith than what i have. my relationship with God was somewhat like how Job’s wife felt about God. i am hoping that as time passes, the anger will diminish. i want my son to see me happy and i have a beautiful 22 month old grandson who i love dearly that i want to be strong for. right now they live in hawaii, but i am hoping soon they will be back on the mainland and hopefully in the same state.
anyhow, thanks for the advice and encouragement.

 

[Salonika]

Agree with the other posters who have said there is no set time for getting over a loss.

Also think we never get over some losses but we learn to deal with them and can even manage the flair-ups eg anniversaries of a person’s death, someone experiencing a similar loss, seeing someone who looks and sounds like someone we have lost, the particular impact of a death eg becoming an “oldie” in the family because the last relative the generation above you has died.

One of saddest things I have experienced was two elderly friends of mine, in their late 70’s, explaining they were now orphans as all their parents had died. Their brains said one thing (they had been fortunate to have them that long) and their hearts another (we want them back).

Be kind to yourself, Deborah, and grieve and heal in your way.

 

[anon52328184]

salonika, thank you for your kind words. that is so strange you mention what the elderly friends said. i also had someone who i hadn’t seen in 9 years call himself an orphan because he had just lost his father. i was a little offended, because this was his biological father who had passed away and he had this man in his life for 65 years!! he has no idea what it is to be a real orphan or to lose your parents at a relatively young adult age.

he was serious though.

i will try to be kind to myself, but that has always been hard for me to do.

thanks for the encouragement. i just look how strong i was after they had recently passed and i feel like my life has been going backwards. maybe it is just growing old.

 

[Salonika]

deborahaz:

salonika, thank you for your kind words.

Thanks very much.

I will try to be kind to myself, but that has always been hard for me to do.

Me too. I had to some thinking when someone challenged me with having one standard for others (being understanding and encouaging) and another for myself (hitting myself over the head (figuratively, not actually) and wasn’t I being arrogant having different standards. Ouch!!!

thanks for the encouragement. I just look how strong I was after they had recently passed and I feel like my life has been going backwards. Maybe it is just growing old.

Could also be raising our standards.

I can remember, and this is in a different context, being told some years ago that I was unrealistic at wanting to always be on a religious high (which I thought wasn’t true) and that it wasn’t possible plus we need the downs to appreciate the ups and vice versa.

 

[anon52328184]

you offer very good advice. i probably have different standards for others also.

i read the books on grief and they help and i feel better for awhile and then i go down again.

i just have had a frustrating life i guess. i realize that you have to still have some kind of a dream no matter what age you are. that probably sounds corny, but life becomes very dull if we don’t have something to dream about.

my faith in God has definitely been challenged.

it seems like i worked so hard to get my life organized in my 20’s and then so many losses happened around the ages of 30-35 and it has all been downhill since then. and i realize that the word loss is not confined to death of a person. there is loss of a career, loss of friendship, loss of health, etc.

i had been seeing a counselor and after being sick for 11 years she didn’t seem to understand what it is like to try to face everything you couldn’t take care of while you were sick and how overwhelming it is to try to put everything back together. i guess i am not a good patient anymore - i don’t have much patience with myself or others. not a good trait.

take care. thanks again.

 

[Salonika]

deborahaz:

i realize that you have to still have some kind of a dream no matter what age you are. that probably sounds corny, but life becomes very dull if we don’t have something to dream about.

Doesn’t sound corny at all - a dream or things to look forward are essential. Otherwise even getting out of bed can become a challenge.

my faith in God has definitely been challenged.

And also for me, my faith in my ability to realise my dreams or even to have them.

it seems like i worked so hard to get my life organized in my 20’s and then so many losses happened around the ages of 30-35 and it has all been downhill since then.

This must be really difficult as you are doing things the opposite way round to most people and some them can be quite judgemental about this.

And as we get older the losses can start to add up and it can become like a huge suitcase of losses and only a small handbag of gains. No wonder it can feel as if we are waddling through life.

i had been seeing a counselor and after being sick for 11 years she didn’t seem to understand what it is like to try to face everything you couldn’t take care of while you were sick and how overwhelming it is to try to put everything back together.

Two comments about the above - first, the counsellor must have been very fortunate never to have faced a backlog of things that have fallen by the way while she’s been sick. (We can look back when we are on the mend and wonder why it all seemed so difficult and need to remind ouselves that it was because we were ill. Know this because I burnt out a few years back.) Second, the counsellor could do with a refresher course in empathy.

i guess i am not a good patient anymore - i don’t have much patience with myself or others. not a good trait.

It’s a balance isn’t it? - too much patience can have its drawbacks too - we end up accepting what we shouldn’t and sometimes people take advantage of us as a result.

take care.

You too. And, try and do something you may find it hard to do, give yourself a pat for being a survivor - only survivors can become thrivers.

 

[anon52328184]

salonika, i really like your metaphor using a suitcase of losses and a small handbag of gains. that is a perfect description of how i feel.

i have tried very hard to find a good counselor to help get me back on my feet, but just can’t seem to regain my footing. it is very frustrating because i used to be a very independent person. since i live alone, i have to be able to take care of myself.

when i would sit in the office with this counselor, i just always felt like she was judging me and that made me feel worse. i just seem to have bad luck and the health problems had to do with going through the change of life which took close to 11 years. i didn’t want surgery, so i was working with a naturopathic doctor to get me through, but it took its toll on my mind and body i think. this counselor was recommended to me by the Catholic church i attend, and i was really expecting more from her. i felt like she was judging me on my faith too.

life is not gentle on the other side of 50 i am finding.

i appreciate your understanding. it has helped a lot.

have a nice day. i will be glad when fall is here. where i live, it is very hot!

 

[Salonika]

deborahaz:

salonika, i really like your metaphor using a suitcase of losses and a small handbag of gains. that is a perfect description of how i feel.

And maybe it helps explain why we don’t feel we are making progress and yearn for a breakthrough that will change things. And maybe the more we yearn, the less likely it is to happen.

i have tried very hard to find a good counselor to help get me back on my feet, but just can’t seem to regain my footing. it is very frustrating because i used to be a very independent person. since i live alone, i have to be able to take care of myself.

Think a lot of people overlook the added pressures on those who live alone when we are unwell. That pile of washing or the vacuuming came seem overwhelming and gets more so the longer it is not undone.

Also issues can arise if people want to move in and help us - some of us (and I admit this applies to me) can think “great to have help and company” but another part can be apprehensive of losing our independence and always having someone around all the time. The paradox can be when we need help most, we may need (feel we need) our solitude the most.

when i would sit in the office with this counselor, i just always felt like she was judging me and that made me feel worse.
…i felt like she was judging me on my faith too.

and them working on being non-judgemental can lead to the same feeling, especially if we start thinking things like “when I am well” I’d be able to act.

i just seem to have bad luck and the health problems had to do with going through the change of life which took close to 11 years.

11 years going through the change of life - you must be such a strong person. Many women would have become a jibbering wreck and remained so.

life is not gentle on the other side of 50 i am finding.

No it has its drawbacks and one I find it difficult to deal with is feeling that in some people’s eyes I’m either invisible or semi-invisible. This can include me suggesting something, have it ignored and then later someone saying the same thing and being applauded (know there can be other reasons for this). Maybe there’s a thread in this - if there hasn’t been a recent one?

i appreciate your understanding. it has helped a lot.

So pleased to be of help, its good to give and receive what we have learnt going through the furnace.

Deborah have a good day and a peaceful weekend.

 

[KingAlfred]

i have a hard time recovering from the number of losses i have experienced in my lifetime. i lost both of my parents 26 years ago when i was 30. they died 3 months apart. since then, other close relatives have passed. i find a lingering depression over these losses and i can’t shake it. i have read a few books on grief and grieving and they help for a little bit, but then i get sad again. has anyone else had a problem with grieving after a death or a series of deaths?

My entire approach to life has become the imitation of Christ. I find parallels between my experiences and elements of Jesus’ story. Whenever I face circumstances which Jesus also faced, I attempt to do what He did, to react the way He did, to accept the consequences of being His disciple, even unto death, if necessary. In this case, Jesus underwent tremendous loss, obviously. Imagine how much He agonized on the eve of His crucifixion, and how much He suffered throughout the brutal ordeal. Nevertheless, He stepped forward, and ‘drank from His terrible cup’, in fulfillment of His mission to Mankind. Because He suffered, I know I must. I know that because he suffered horribly, I too must prepared to suffer horribly. This is the way of the Disciple of Christ.