Reading your kid's journal

[oxymom]

I read my son’s journal and found out that he had snuck out of the house and drank. I confronted him and he’s mad at me for “invading his privacy”. He’s 16 and never given me any problems before. I have two older kids that have given me a run for my money. Was i wrong to snoop?

 

[Jay82]

I think you were wrong to snoop. Now if he left the journal open on his desk or something and you happened to see it while cleaning or putting something in his room, that may be a different story. But if you went looking for the journal, read it, and then confronted him about his behavior…that is wrong in my opinion.

Kids want their parents trust and he probably feels like he can’t trust you. He is also probably upset because he feels you may think less of him now since he was/is a good kid and you found out he did something bad.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I read my son’s journal and found out that he had snuck out of the house and drank. I confronted him and he’s mad at me for “invading his privacy”. He’s 16 and never given me any problems before. I have two older kids that have given me a run for my money. Was i wrong to snoop?

Why DID you read it? Did something tip you off? Or were you just curious?

Yes, you were wrong to snoop. Your son deserves privacy and should feel safe knowing that his privacy isn’t being compromised. You owe him an apology for reading it.

But, with that said, you now know that he did something wrong. Maybe he’s been good up until now and you haven’t had the need for certain rules, but now that this has changed you need to *establish *house rules for exactly when and where he should be at any given time. Violating those rules will bring certain defined consequences, all of which need to be communicated with him and understood fully. Empty threats are useless, there need to be clearly defined consequences for certain actions. But, you also need to make sure those consequences don’t violate his privacy. Reading his journal isn’t an appropriate consequence. Removing privileges, such as going out with his friends, driving, etc… would be appropriate consequences…

 

[beckyann2597]

Hi. I don’t think you were wrong to snoop, but I do think you could have NOT told him how you found out. I would have told him I found out from a VERY reliable source about how he snuck out and did this and that, but I wouldn’t have told him I had read it in his journal. I also am an advocate for hiding the kids old baby moniter in the room to easedrop . I know that I am going to get people telling me I am a bad parent, but I would rather know What my children are up to, and whether or not it is safe for my kids to go places. I was a teenager, and I snuck out A LOT! and, my parents were clueless. I ended up pregnant at 18. My husband and I know better than to bestow trust where it hasn’t been earned.

 

[Jay82]

Hi. I don’t think you were wrong to snoop, but I do think you could have NOT told him how you found out. .

That is also a good option.

My husband and I know better than to bestow trust where it hasn’t been earned.

While I agree that you shouldn’t trust people who haven’t earned it. The OP’s son seemingly did earn the parent’s trust. He never did anything wrong or gave her problems (to her knowledge). Therefore, she had no reason to suspect him of anything (at least based on the info she provided us).

Additionally, growing up, my parents gave me a lot of freedom and trust. I could have snuck out or done whatever I wanted and they may not have known, but I always behaved and used my own judgement to keep myself out of situations that could have resulted in something bad (ex: underage drinking, etc). If they unfairly restricted me or invaded my privacy, it would have damaged the relationship between us.

 

[GreatBeliever]

I’m not an expert, but it sounds like it’s a good thing you did snoop, because you may have a chance to stop him from going down a dangerous path that you would have otherwise never known about.

I’m curious, is snooping and invading someone’s privacy a sin? Does it matter if it’s your child, spouse, friend, co-worker, etc? I understand if its your child, because you have a responsibility to keep them safe.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Hi. I don’t think you were wrong to snoop, but I do think you could have NOT told him how you found out. I would have told him I found out from a VERY reliable source about how he snuck out and did this and that, but I wouldn’t have told him I had read it in his journal. I also am an advocate for hiding the kids old baby moniter in the room to easedrop . I know that I am going to get people telling me I am a bad parent, but I would rather know What my children are up to, and whether or not it is safe for my kids to go places. I was a teenager, and I snuck out A LOT! and, my parents were clueless. I ended up pregnant at 18. My husband and I know better than to bestow trust where it hasn’t been earned.

No, I disagree. Lying to your son isn’t right either, despite your good intentions of wanting to keep an eye on his behavior. Nor does eavesdropping encourage trust. If he were ever to find out about your secretive techniques of watching him he would immediately stop trusting his own parents… and that undermines the entire point!

Does that mean you can’t monitor what he’s doing in your house? Not in the least! He just should be made aware of it. For example, if I were to give my kids a cell phone later in life for safety, I would tell them up-front that I have GPS tracking on the phone and expect to know where you are an be able to get in touch with you at any given time. No lying, secretive eavesdropping… but well-communicated guidelines for safety.
There’s a big difference.

 

[oxymom]

The journal was out in his room just like it had been all summer. I’m not sure why I read it. I thought I might find out what was going on in his mind regarding a trip he’s taking. Isn’t a parent’s job to use all available means to keep their kids safe?

 

[Em_in_FL]

The journal was out in his room just like it had been all summer. I’m not sure why I read it. I thought I might find out what was going on in his mind regarding a trip he’s taking. Isn’t a parent’s job to use all available means to keep their kids safe?

Sometimes the ends don’t justify the means, though.

There’s a better way than snooping… try communicating with him more openly. Ask him questions and respect his point of view and thoughts. Having healthy, open discussions will breed trust and understanding… but sneaking around and snooping will only breed distrust and close him off from you even more.

Ask him! “Hey, I know this trip you’re taking is important to you… can you tell me why?”
And then LISTEN. Don’t interrupt, don’t question, don’t interpret… LISTEN.

The more openly you can communicate, the more he will trust you with his thoughts and feelings.

Or… if this trip is something you don’t want him to take - explain why and follow through on that. You’re the parent!

 

[oxymom]

I’ve done all of the above. If a kid wants to keep something from you they will. What’s a parent supposed to do? I’m a stay at home mom. I have the great after school talks but he never confided in me that he was going to sneak out and have a few beers with friends before driving back home.

 

[petitfleur]

I dont think its wrong to snoop…the kid is a minor living under your roof, eating the food you provide him and wearing the clothes you most likely buy him, watching you tv using your computer ect. I might not tell them though except that drinking is dangerouse…of course he is going to feel “violated” .
We get copies of all emails sent to our kids unknown to them…found out interesting stuff too. Its dangerouse out there and its easy to say, “not my kid”. and ignore warning sighns. We want to believe the best of them. It is so hard to remain objective when it comes to kids.

 

[LucyLou]

As long a a child is under the age of 18, the parent is responsible for the child’s behavior. By all means parents need to know what is happening, where their kids are going, who are the friends they hang out with, who are the friends parents, what they are doing, you get the picture. So if by reading a journal that has been left out you find out behaviors that you have taught are bad choices are being done, then you are better able to deal with the issue.

While it “sounds” or seems like something minor to others, sneaking out is a a problem in today’s environment that can cause major consequences for both the parent and the child. I had a niece that snuck out to walk to her boyfriend’s house at 2 am and was found by the Sheriff and brought back home in her pajamas. I hate to image what could have happened if it had been someone other than the Sheriff.

Don’t feel bad at all about what you did. Keep after him and make him behave while he lives under your roof and you are paying the bills. There has to be consequences for disobedience. If he really is a good kid, then telling him how disappointed you are in him will be good punishment. And of course removal of some other privilege should be given too.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I’ve done all of the above. If a kid wants to keep something from you they will. What’s a parent supposed to do? I’m a stay at home mom. I have the great after school talks but he never confided in me that he was going to sneak out and have a few beers with friends before driving back home.

But you mentioned your motivation for reading the journal was regarding his trip, right? The fact you found out about his drinking is secondary.

If you aren’t satisfied with his level of communication as to WHY he wants to take this trip (which is why you were *motivated *to snoop), then don’t let him take the trip - you’re the parent!
But, you also need to communicate WHY you aren’t satisfied about his reasonings for wanting to take the trip. Either he communicates until you’re satisfied, or he doesn’t go on the trip. Period.

But that still doesn’t justify snooping.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

You are the adult and the parent, you have the authority to read whatever you want.

You did nothing wrong, he did wrong by drinking and keeping secrets, He is a child and lives in your house he has no right to privacy, or to do anything without your permission.

He is simply trying to shame you into letting him of the hook, whatever the punishment double it for his attitude.

 

[PatriceA]

Sometimes the ends don’t justify the means, though.

There’s a better way than snooping… try communicating with him more openly. Ask him questions and respect his point of view and thoughts. Having healthy, open discussions will breed trust and understanding… but sneaking around and snooping will only breed distrust and close him off from you even more.

Ask him! “Hey, I know this trip you’re taking is important to you… can you tell me why?”
And then LISTEN. Don’t interrupt, don’t question, don’t interpret… LISTEN.

The more openly you can communicate, the more he will trust you with his thoughts and feelings.

Or… if this trip is something you don’t want him to take - explain why and follow through on that. You’re the parent!

I agree. I would exhaust every single option of increasing the communication and trust between my child and myself before I would even think to snoop in my child’s journal just to see what she was thinking about an upcoming event. If you couldn’t ask your child about his thoughts on the trip, that should be your first clue that your communication between him and yourself is not as great as you think it might be.

Now that you have found out about the sneaking out and the drinking, how do you plan to address that, because how you handle it can make or break any trust and communication you still have with your son.

 

[dailey]

My mom used to snoop in my room to try to find things out about me. Of course, I was too smart and always got rid of the evidence!

Seriously though, her snooping only made me resent her. I suggest sitting down and having heart-to-heart talks on a regular basis instead.

 

[Scoobyshme]

I read my son’s journal and found out that he had snuck out of the house and drank. I confronted him and he’s mad at me for “invading his privacy”. He’s 16 and never given me any problems before. I have two older kids that have given me a run for my money. Was i wrong to snoop?

Oxymom, you did the right thing. As long as he is living under your roof, eating your food, spending your money, etc., he is under your rules. Explain to him that you will be held legally responsible for his actions, not him, because he is a minor. If he wants to get emancipated and live on his own, then he has all the rights to privacy of any citizen. Until then, he must live by YOUR rules, not his. That should motivate him to grow up, get educated, and gainfully employed.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Now that you have found out about the sneaking out and the drinking, how do you plan to address that, because how you handle it can make or break any trust and communication you still have with your son.

Yes…

And while I’ll maintain that it was wrong to snoop without him knowing, that doesn’t mean that the discovered behavior should go unpunished!

Remember I posted above:

But, with that said, you now know that he did something wrong. Maybe he’s been good up until now and you haven’t had the need for certain rules, but now that this has changed you need to establish house rules for exactly when and where he should be at any given time. Violating those rules will bring certain defined consequences, all of which need to be communicated with him and understood fully. Empty threats are useless, there need to be clearly defined consequences for certain actions. But, you also need to make sure those consequences don’t violate his privacy. Reading his journal isn’t an appropriate consequence. Removing privileges, such as going out with his friends, driving, etc… would be appropriate consequences…

Maybe removing the *privilege *of taking the trip would be appropriate… especially since you’re still questioning his motivation.

 

[surfinpure]

You were absolutely right to read his journal. A teenager’s “right to privacy” never supersedes his right to be protected by his parents. Your job is to keep him safe and raise him well, and if you have to read your minor child’s journal, talk to his friends, or rummage through his stuff to do it, so be it.

 

[twopekinguys]

I read my son’s journal and found out that he had snuck out of the house and drank. I confronted him and he’s mad at me for “invading his privacy”. He’s 16 and never given me any problems before. I have two older kids that have given me a run for my money. Was i wrong to snoop?

I think you did the right thing, and I say BRAVO!!!

Your house, your rules, your responsibility.

Too many parents today want to be their kids “friend”, and that is why so many kids have so many problems today.

I’ve read my kid’s journals, checked out his texts, cell phone calls, school notebooks, car, etc. etc. I also talk to his “friends” parents, his teachers, you name it.

He’s tried being sneaky, but he ain’t beat his old man yet.

Now that he’s on to you, you have to be more diligent.