Ready to kick out my Daughter! Her lies are causing trouble in my marriage!

[alleykat71172]

My daughter apparently knows who her child’s father is. Her antics have caused a huge argument between me and my husband. He knew everything all along. She confides in him but won’t tell me squat.

When she came home pregnant needing a place to stay I questioned her about the pregnancy. Her plans, if she’d been getting care. When I asked who the father was she cries and looked down shaking her head in shame. Obviously it seemed like she didnt know. Any rational person would rake that as a no! But my husband FINALLY told me she knew and he met him!

He wanted my daughter to abort and she said she just didn’t feel right about it so she decides to raise the child on her own. Soon after she moved in with me they started talking and now he wants to be part of his life. By the way my husband said Judas was his middle name, that’s why they chose it, since she’s using her surname and choosing the middle name. It’s still dumb to straddle a baby with that name.

I asked my husband how could he not tell me all this! He said it’s not his business to tell. When I asked him why my daughter wouldn’t tell me he said it was probably because I acted like a sanctimonious jerk to her and I should talk to her like a respectable adult not a naughty grade schooler.

After all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was! All the shame, pity, embarrassment.

Now she’s causing discord in my marriage! I slept in the guest room last night. My husband has never in his life talked to me the way he did yesterday.

Im ready to kick her out. I can’t deal with this stupid mess anymore.

 

[F_Marturana]

Are you done venting? You really want approval in throwing you daughter who just gave birth and her baby out of the house?

It’s not about you. Support your daughter in her time of need and put aside the drama. She doesn’t need it.

 

[pensmama87]

After all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was! All the shame, pity, embarrassment.

I’m confused about why this would be necessary to tell. I’d inform anybody who needed to know that you had a grandson, and leave the circumstances out of it.

I’m sorry about the problems you’re having, but maybe there’s a way you and your husband can both get on “Team Grandson.”

 

[Lou2U]

This may sound harsh, and I’m sorry for that. But:

You need to get over your feelings of shame and embarrassment. What’s done is done. Don’t let your feelings of resentment poison your relationship with your daughter and grandson any more than they have done. Clearly she didn’t feel comfortable telling you - this should be your focal point of what to work on with your daughter. Please don’t kick her out so soon after she’s given birth.

 

[angel12]

After all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was! All the shame, pity, embarrassment.

Seriously? you told people that she didn’t know who the father is? Why would you do such a horrible thing to your own daughter?

 

[Legend]

I’ve been feeling this way, and was debating whether to say it on one of your other threads, but, you have seemed quite judgmental, and surprisingly cold, given the fact that you just became a grandmother. Regardless of the circumstances, most grandmothers are happy when their grandchildren are born. And, I can see why you’re angry at your husband, he should have told you about the father, but you seem to sweep this anger aside, and transfer it to your daughter.

Is your place as a prominent, Catholic family the source of your embarrassment? That attitude is what encourages many abortions. Would you want for your daughter to have done that? If you’re a true Catholic, of course not! Try to keep your mind on the fact that you have a new grandson. And, something to be happy about, he does have a father that cares about him! Does anyone ever tell you that you’re being judgmental? Because you seem to have a problem with that!

It’s time to stop thinking what others think, and celebrate this new life!

 

[1ke]

Now she’s causing discord in my marriage!

I’ve got news for you. It’s not your daughter causing the discord.

 

[Legend]

And I just saw something else to rejoice about…this independent, promiscuous, has-no-need-for-mass-or-church-in-general young woman refused to have an abortion! Something she’s been taught has gotten through! And no, Mom/Grandma, it wasn’t to annoy YOU…she’s going to have this child in her life, for as long as it lasts!

Praise God, He’s happy and healthy! And his father, although he wanted the Mom to abort him, is going to be a part of his life (although I don’t know how good we should feel about that, he might not stay around, time will tell). So, he has a definitely pro-life Mom, if not a traditional Catholic.

Time to join the celebration, and put aside anger and resentment!

 

[Roseeurekacross]

ter all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was! All the shame, pity, embarrassment.

Why would you run around telling people this when you did not know.

When I asked who the father was she cries and looked down shaking her head in shame. Obviously it seemed like she didnt know. Any rational person would rake that as a no! But my husband FINALLY told me she knew and he met him!

It seems you are shocked and stunned that your daughter has had a baby.

This is your daughter, Judas is your grandson.

A Priest once said to me,

More love. Less words.

Try it, more love, less words.

She isn’t causing marital dischord , you are. Why not listen to your husband, who seems to be showing them the love and acceptance they need at this point. You can too

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Judas is and will always be your grandson.

More love, less words. Pick Judas up, hug him, love him. Hug your overwhelmed daughter. Love her.

Take them to Mass, organise a baptism. Become joyful and thank God for this new grandson in your life.

 

[TheLittleLady]

After all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was!

Why in the world did you feel the need to tell people this?

Honestly it is no one’s business.

“My daughter is expecting our first grandchild”. Is all you need to say.

Your husband is right, it is not his secret to tell.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

My daughter apparently knows who her child’s father is. Her antics have caused a huge argument between me and my husband. He knew everything all along. She confides in him but won’t tell me squat.

Perhaps there is a reason for that.

When she came home pregnant needing a place to stay I questioned her about the pregnancy. Her plans, if she’d been getting care. When I asked who the father was she cries and looked down shaking her head in shame. Obviously it seemed like she didnt know. Any rational person would rake that as a no! But my husband FINALLY told me she knew and he met him!

So she NEVER told you she didn’t know? You assumed? WHAT???

He wanted my daughter to abort and she said she just didn’t feel right about it so she decides to raise the child on her own. Soon after she moved in with me they started talking and now he wants to be part of his life. By the way my husband said Judas was his middle name, that’s why they chose it, since she’s using her surname and choosing the middle name. It’s still dumb to straddle a baby with that name.

A man has a right to his son. That’s the way it is. Who cares about his middle name. I take it he has a sensible first name?

I asked my husband how could he not tell me all this! He said it’s not his business to tell. When I asked him why my daughter wouldn’t tell me he said it was probably because I acted like a sanctimonious jerk to her and I should talk to her like a respectable adult not a naughty grade schooler.

You ought to take his advice. You are driving away your daughter.

After all the embarrassment of telling people my own daughter was having a child out of wedlock and disnt even know who the father was! All the shame, pity, embarrassment.

Why in the WORLD did you have to disclose that information. EWWWWW. I mean really? That’s not on her, that’s on you. Completely.

Oh wow, shela’s pregnant?
yes
I didn’t know she was dating
she’s not
oh, who’s the father

you actually answered, “she doesn’t know”??? How very crass. Decorum would have you be aghast at such a tasteless question.

Now she’s causing discord in my marriage!

No. She’s not causing the discord. You are.

I slept in the guest room last night. My husband has never in his life talked to me the way he did yesterday.

Perhaps too little too late. You are not entitled to know his every thought or every confidence someone provides to him.

Im ready to kick her out. I can’t deal with this stupid mess anymore.

You see what happens when you kick her out. Please seek reputable counseling.

 

[heidi_storage]

Looks like I was wrong that she was deliberately trying to bait you with the child’s name.

I’m not going to get on the bash-the-OP train, here. I understand your anger–you took your rebellious child in, and look how she’s repaid you!! And now she’s driving a wedge between you and your husband! I might also disagree with your husband that your daughter has acted like a responsible adult.

However, this anger isn’t getting you anywhere. First thing to do is mend fences with your husband. Apologize for blowing up at him, and don’t ask him to apologize for his part in the fight. When you two have reconciled and you’re calmer, then you need to have a good discussion about what to do with your daughter and grandson. If you two can present a united front, I think you’ll have a lot better chance at negotiating a workable relationship with your daughter that does not involve lies and omissions.

Hang in there.

 

[kptrs]

I’m not going to get on the bash-the-OP train, here. I understand your anger–you took your rebellious child in, and look how she’s repaid you!! And now she’s driving a wedge between you and your husband! I might also disagree with your husband that your daughter has acted like a responsible adult.

No, no, just…no. This is absolutely not the Christian way to respond to this situation, and as others have said, it is this attitude that leads to many abortions.

And she did act responsibly by choosing life for her child.

When you two have reconciled and you’re calmer, then you need to have a good discussion about what to do with your daughter and grandson.

What to do with your daughter and grandson?!?!?!?!?! What does this even mean?

This thread makes me sick.

 

[pensmama87]

I mean, I get being upset about the situation (from way back on the first thread that the OP posted). Frankly, I would be too. I would be disappointed, not by the pregnancy but by the act that led to it, wishing my child had made better choices and feeling guilty that maybe I didn’t do all I could. And maybe, yes, sadly, I would be embarrassed by the “evidence.” That is my human fault. But there’s no putting the genie back in that bottle. The mother made a courageous choice to have her baby. It may have been the only courageous thing she did - I don’t know, I’m not privy to the details, but any mom who chooses to have her baby in this day and age when we like to pretend that our sins can just be erased like they never happened - that’s courage.

And, yes, like sin often does, it means that she and others will have to deal with the fallout. This would have happened with an abortion too, or even if the sex had occurred but pregnancy had not. But we’re dealing with what actually happened.

But what a blessing! God chose to use this situation to give the OP a grandchild. This is how God “writes straight with crooked lines.” The OP has an opportunity here, to repair what is clearly a very fractured relationship. I would have advice for the daughter if she posted here, too, but it’s mom who’s here. And she’s angry, but that anger will not change what’s already happened. It won’t heal her marriage, or her relationship with her daughter, or help her bond to her grandson. The OP needs to be concerned with her own sins and her own reactions, because that baby has done absolutely nothing wrong, and he is helpless and needs love.

 

[Mi_Rose]

Congratulations on the wonderful gift of a grandchild. My first was not born under ideal circumstances either but she needed me and still does. At 13 she is happier to see me than anyone else has ever been except my husband.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

More love, less words

 

[kptrs]

This reminds me of a meme I saw once:

“When you truly do not care what others think of you, then you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.”

 

[Legend]

That’s true, when we’re dealing with other people, but It is important what God thinks of us. I was obviously in the minority in saying the OP had a right to be angry at her husband, but, how quickly she turned her anger towards her daughter! It’s like If the daughter were out of the picture, the marriage issues would heal themselves. They wouldn’t. The husband was treating his wife like a child, and even if she were acting childish, she is a partner in the marriage, while the daughter is not. He should have told his daughter that, if she was going to be staying in the home, he could not keep something as important as the identity of the father from her. He should have told her he had to tell his wife, and, if there were anything that she wanted to keep secret, she shouldn’t tell him.

I’m not agreeing with the OP about throwing the daughter and grandson out of the home, but he should have told her about the father. It would have kept her from telling anyone else that the father was unknown to the mother. It would have kept the marriage on an even keel, at least as to what each partner has a right to know. And it would have empowered the OP, whose anger seems to stem partly to having a lot of responsibility, while being treated like a child-one whom the ‘grownups’ have to decide what she has a right to know!

Am I siding with the OP? Not entirely. But, it’s more clear where her anger is coming from. But, she is completely wrong in thinking that if she and her child left, the marriage would be free of problems. It wouldn’t.
So, OP, do your best to accept your daughter, flawed as she is, and put aside the idea of making her leave, at least for now. Work on your marriage. Let your husband know that you are a partner, not a child. and try to get rid of your anger, or at least, for now, put it in its proper place. Let her know she is welcome, if she honors your restrictions. Making her go to mass will do no good, now. but make sure she respects your rules, while living in your house. Allow supervised visits with the farher, so they can figure things out, once she leaves you

Make her know she will be expected to live and act as an adult, and also the father, if he chooses to stay involved with his child’s life. The only person involved from which childish behavior will be tolerated will be…the child!

Start fostering your love for the child. Encourage the other adults to do so, also. He is going to need it.

Prayers and best wishes for you…ALL of you!

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

That’s true, when we’re dealing with other people, but It is important what God thinks of us. I was obviously in the minority in saying the OP had a right to be angry at her husband, but, how quickly she turned her anger towards her daughter! It’s like If the daughter were out of the picture, the marriage issues would heal themselves. They wouldn’t. The husband was treating his wife like a child, and even if she were acting childish, she is a partner in the marriage, while the daughter is not. He should have told his daughter that, if she was going to be staying in the home, he could not keep something as important as the identity of the father from her. He should have told her he had to tell his wife, and, if there were anything that she wanted to keep secret, she shouldn’t tell him.

I’m not agreeing with the OP about throwing the daughter and grandson out of the home, but he should have told her about the father. It would have kept her from telling anyone else that the father was unknown to the mother. It would have kept the marriage on an even keel, at least as to what each partner has a right to know. And it would have empowered the OP, whose anger seems to stem partly to having a lot of responsibility, while being treated like a child-one whom the ‘grownups’ have to decide what she has a right to know!

Am I siding with the OP? Not entirely. But, it’s more clear where her anger is coming from. But, she is completely wrong in thinking that if she and her child left, the marriage would be free of problems. It wouldn’t.
So, OP, do your best to accept your daughter, flawed as she is, and put aside the idea of making her leave, at least for now. Work on your marriage. Let your husband know that you are a partner, not a child. and try to get rid of your anger, or at least, for now, put it in its proper place. Let her know she is welcome, if she honors your restrictions. Making her go to mass will do no good, now. but make sure she respects your rules, while living in your house. Allow supervised visits with the farher, so they can figure things out, once she leaves you

Make her know she will be expected to live and act as an adult, and also the father, if he chooses to stay involved with his child’s life. The only person involved from which childish behavior will be tolerated will be…the child!

Start fostering your love for the child. Encourage the other adults to do so, also. He is going to need it.

Prayers and best wishes for you…ALL of you!

Yes on the daughter not being the cause of stress in the marriage

No on the rest.

The daughter did not want to tell her mother and her mother then assumed information. The daughter was under pressure to abort and may have had justified reasons for her hesitation to name the father that her mom mistook as lack of knowledge.

The OP has clearly been struggling with this situation and her husband acted as best he knew how for the sake of an unborn child’s life. This is not as simple as treating his wife like a child. I’m guessing a lot of life experience went into his decision.