Ready to kick out my Daughter! Her lies are causing trouble in my marriage!

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True, he may have done what he thought best. But, a child-even an adult child-should not be allowed to usurp the mother/wife’s role in the family. The husband should never have agreed to keep something from his wife. When she asked him the question, he should not have agreed-if that’s what he did do-to keep any information from his wife. If the wife had already been acting angry and childish, all the more reason to start turning things around.

I know, every family is different, and the husband may have thought h was doing the right thing. But, the wife was justified in feeling angry at him. Which was tHe only question I addressed, in this post. There’s a possibility that she was under pressure to abort. but, we must be careful not to read what isn’t there.
 
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Legend said:
. But, a child-even an adult child-should not be allowed to usurp the mother/wife’s role in the family. The husband should never have agreed to keep something from his wife
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What? A man presumably told something in trust should run off to blab to his judgemental and gossipy wife and break his word? Really?

It sounds like the husband’s comment was spot on, from the various threads and posts on this topic.
 
Legend said:
True, he may have done what he thought best. But, a child-even an adult child-should not be allowed to usurp the mother/wife’s role in the family. The husband should never have agreed to keep something from his wife. When she asked him the question, he should not have agreed-if that’s what he did do-to keep any information from his wife. If the wife had already been acting angry and childish, all the more reason to start turning things around.

I know, every family is different, and the husband may have thought h was doing the right thing. But, the wife was justified in feeling angry at him. Which was tHe only question I addressed, in this post. There’s a possibility that she was under pressure to abort. but, we must be careful not to read what isn’t there.
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The op said she was pressured to abort so initially she stopped contact with the father
 
Praying that you have peace, op.

Others outside your family will take your lead about how you speak about the this. If you speak unkindly about your daughter and grandson, you add more negativity to it and to yourself. I would guard your words and actions for the time being.

You can talk to your priest about the situation to see how you can be a blessing to your daughter, grandson and to your marriage during this time.
 
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Look. You’re trying to get the OP to improve her relationship toward her husband and daughter, yes? So why do you (and some, but not all) other posters think it’s a good idea not to acknowledge the OP’s feelings, or believe that only a heartless monster could feel them?

“Deal with the daughter and grandson” means work out a situation in which the family can, at the very least, coexist peacefully and without resentment. From what I understand, Daughter is working toward a degree and independence, which is good, but the kind and degree of help the grandparents give–as well as the relationship they have with their daughter–is something that needs to be worked out by them. If Dad is completely gung-ho for daughter and Mom is wanting to kick her out, that’s a problem.

I hope the OP comes to terms with all that has happened and is able to let go of resentment. But berating her for heartlessness sure isn’t going to make that happen, and it’s not recognizing that the OP’s vulnerable, too.
 
heidi_storage said:
I hope the OP comes to terms with all that has happened and is able to let go of resentment. But berating her for heartlessness sure isn’t going to make that happen, and it’s not recognizing that the OP’s vulnerable, too.
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I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for a woman who visciously gossips about her own daughter. Telling people her unwed daughter is pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is? Really? She’s not the vulnerable one here.

You want to improve the relationship between the OP and her husband? Well, like it or not, that’s going to entail letting go of these feelings. It’s these feelings that drove her daughter to confide in her father. It’s these feelings that drove her husband to keep pertinent information from his wife. And it’s these feelings that are driving a wedge between the OP and her husband.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If this problem has the slightest chance of being solved, it’s going to start with the OP letting go of her concern about others’ opinions of her and her family and replacing those feelings with compassion for her daughter and grandson.
 
You have no sympathy for a woman trying to raise 7 kids, and having the middle one reject her values then come home pregnant? Really? You have no sympathy when she finds out that her husband knew some important information and wasn’t sharing it with her? That’s unkind.
 
I can’t speak for k, but what did the OP expect to happen when she kicked her 18yo out? Her daughter would suddenly get more mature and have a great life? In reality that never happens.

The whole “rejecting her values” is dramatic. None of my brothers practice Catholicism. One is particularly–vocal. He dosn’t even believe in God. My parents respected their adult children. They didn’t threaten to kick them out. For the minor children, they were parents and explained the rules of being a minor–which was “attending” Mass. They could pick any mass and drive themselves, they could sit in back (or even the vestibule) when the family attended.

The daughter didn’t lie to the mother. She was being pressured by a man to KILL her baby. She couldn’t get his name out when her mother was questioning her and her mother ASSUMED. At some point, the daughter told her father. Perhaps the way she perceived herself being treated has much to do with which parent she feels capable of sharing it with. I’m with K–the gossip about not knowing the father–when it was NEVER confirmed to the OP is beyond heartless.

Also, she’s not a single mom trying to raise 7 kids. She has stated that her “other” children are all how she intends them to be. I’m guessing their father had a role in that.
 
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heidi_storage said:
You have no sympathy for a woman trying to raise 7 kids, and having the middle one reject her values then come home pregnant? Really? You have no sympathy when she finds out that her husband knew some important information and wasn’t sharing it with her? That’s unkind.
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Did you even read my post? I said I have no sympathy for a mother who tells people her unwed daughter is pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is. That is beyond cruel and unkind. I see exactly why the husband kept information from her. And the daughter apparently did learn at least some some values. She proved that by choosing to have her baby rather than take the easy way out and have an abortion. In this day and age, choosing not to have an abortion in these circumstances is flat out heroic.

The OP is not the innocent victim you want to make her out to be. And these feelings you want everyone to validate are exactly the kind of thing that drive many young women to the abortion clinic.
 
heidi_storage said:
You have no sympathy for a woman trying to raise 7 kids, and having the middle one reject her values then come home pregnant? Really? You have no sympathy when she finds out that her husband knew some important information and wasn’t sharing it with her? That’s unkind.
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In her first post, the OP says “She wants to name her son Messiah. When friends and family ask if She chose a name I cant even bring myself to admit it.”

The second post the OP started was about a baby shower the girl’s cousin wanted to give the expectant mother, where the OP wrote: I’m personally embarrassed my daughter is single and pregnant, I dont see why it would be flaunted.

The third post, announcing the birth, she says " I’m so sad and angry over this".

The OP is angry, embarrassed, and bitter. And she wonders why her daughter doesn’t want to confide in her? Everything the OP has written is “me me me”. It’s all about how everything affects HER. About how she looks to her friends. About how embarrassed she is.

I don’t see any compassion or empathy or love in this woman’s posts. She needs counseling. It’s not about her!!!
 
She does need counseling. And she needs to let go of her anger, or it will poison her whole life and relationships–indeed, already has done so. And you, I think, have reached out to her in past threads and shown some compassion–which she needs. In her mind, the world is against her. But many of the comments on the forum are merely enforcing that hostility–she’s a horrible person!! How could she think this way!! I think she’s lashing out because she’s hurt.
 
Legend said:
The husband should never have agreed to keep something from his wife.
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?!?

Spouses are not bound to tell each other everything. One of my wise business mentors told me “everyone has a best friend in whom they confide, it is not always you.” That has served me well in my business and my professional life.

I am trustworthy. If you ask me to keep a secret, I will keep a secret. In fact, even if you don’t ask me, if they matter is of a sensitive nature, I feel it is “not my story to tell” and I keep my mouth shut.

In my work, there are often things of a sensitive nature I learn about people. I am not going to run home and tell my husband “so and so are getting a divorce” or “blah blah has a pregnant teen!”. I may simply ask him “there is a family having extra difficulties, please pray for them”. No names, no hints.

I WANT my adult child to trust me and to trust his father that we know how to keep a confidence.
 
heidi_storage said:
I think she’s lashing out because she’s hurt.
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I agree.

But this daughter has been “the problem child” in her mother’s eyes since well before this situation. It may be a self-fulfilling prophecy because the mother does not show unconditional love to the daughter. The daughter has been seeking out that love and validation-- in all the wrong places. These things are not unconnected.

It seems this is a case where a mother had the picture of the ideal family in her head, the one that looks great to all her friends and family. The picture perfect family did not come to fruition, and it’s this daughter’s fault.

NO! Come one, we all know that’s not realistic. And all this ‘embarrassment’ and “what other people think” is 100% the mother’s problem. She needs counseling for why appearances are so important to her.

Her daughter messed up-- you move on.
 
heidi_storage said:
In her mind, the world is against her.
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This way of thinking stems from selfishness. The world is not against her — because it’s not about her.
heidi_storage said:
But many of the comments on the forum are merely enforcing that hostility–she’s a horrible person!!
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She’s behaving in a very un-Christian way and many are calling her out on it.
heidi_storage said:
I think she’s lashing out because she’s hurt.
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Being hurt doesn’t give her the liscence to commit the sin of gossip against her own daughter. What about a mother’s unconditional love for her child?
 
Legend said:
True, he may have done what he thought best. But, a child-even an adult child-should not be allowed to usurp the mother/wife’s role in the family. The husband should never have agreed to keep something from his wife. When she asked him the question, he should not have agreed-if that’s what he did do-to keep any information from his wife. If the wife had already been acting angry and childish, all the more reason to start turning things around.
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I wanted to address this part. My dad and I get along WAY better than my mom and I for the most part. I was dealing with something serious arising from my adoption I went to my dad. It was a LONG time before I told my mom. He kept my secret because he knew that my mom would probably over-react and I was vounerable. Eventually, as I neared being able to tell her, he gave me tips on how best to talk to her so as to upset her the least.

There have been things that I chat with, with my mom. My dad can have an ego and often he dosn’t understand what it’s like to be really frustrated and feel as if you can’t move on. My mom gets it. So then we talk. She dosn’t “keep” it from my dad becuase it’s not his to know. It’s between us. It’s our relationship and that’s the way it should be.
 
1ke said:
But this daughter has been “the problem child” in her mother’s eyes since well before this situation. It may be a self-fulfilling prophecy because the mother does not show unconditional love to the daughter. The daughter has been seeking out that love and validation-- in all the wrong places. These things are not unconnected.
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Yes, I very much agree. Very well said.
 
You’re saying, I believe, what I was trying to express. The entire situation is quite complicated, and I was really only addressing one incident. The OP has a right to be angry at her husband, True, the daughter put him in a difficult situation. But, when the daughter asked if he would hide some things about her situation, he should not have agreed. Even if she slipped some things past him, and he felt he couldn’t tell his wife, he should not have encouraged her further, even meeting the baby’s father behind his wife’s back. The OP has her problems, to be sure, but I don’t think its her husband’s place to add to them. Oh, and, on another thread, the husband was on board with kicking the daughter out, (for not going to mass)before she got pregnant. Overcompensation, maybe?
 
I’m nor giving the OP a free pass. I was speaking, mainly, of one thing…the fact that the father helped hide the baby’s father’s identity, and even met him, without his wife’s knowledge. The OP would have been relieved to know this. But the husband kept it from her! Once the first relevant issue was told in confidence, the husband was obliged to let his daughter know that he wasn’t going to keep any more secrets for her. His wife, not his daughter, is his marriage partner!
 
Ok, so betraying your children is all good with you. What about confidences from other family members? Colleagues?
I’m happy you came clean in public that your word cannot be trusted, that you are comfortable breaking trust others put in you. We all have priorities, but backstabbing isn’t a pretty one.
 
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