Reality check on aisle three, please!

[Just_wondering]

Today I am feeling a little under the weather. I have a headache and the start of a head cold. I am sitting at the computer in my pyjamas eating takeout, wishing my boyfriend was here. He is so sweet and thoughtful - today he send me half a dozen sweet and romantic messages while I was at work, telling me how much he loves me.

In my fantasy of married life, when I get home after work with a headache, he would make me a nice cup of herbal tea and give me a massage. Later on in the evening, we would snuggle up together as we fall asleep. I would feel so safe and warm in his arms that I would fall asleep right away, gently breathing my contagious germs in his direction.

I wonder, though, whether the reality might not play out quite the way I picture it in my mind… I dare not think what other possibilities exist, but I imagine them having something to do with the husband asking the wife to please have her headache in another room so he can continue watching the game, and an unwelcome inquiry into the effect the headache will have on the making of dinner.

Okay, all you married couples; feel free to edit my vision of married life as you see fit. Remember, we’re not even engaged yet, so don’t be too harsh!

 

[whatevergirl]

Today I am feeling a little under the weather. I have a headache and the start of a head cold. I am sitting at the computer in my pyjamas eating takeout, wishing my boyfriend was here. He is so sweet and thoughtful - today he send me half a dozen sweet and romantic messages while I was at work, telling me how much he loves me.

In my fantasy of married life, when I get home after work with a headache, he would make me a nice cup of herbal tea and give me a massage. Later on in the evening, we would snuggle up together as we fall asleep. I would feel so safe and warm in his arms that I would fall asleep right away, gently breathing my contagious germs in his direction.

I wonder, though, whether the reality might not play out quite the way I picture it in my mind… I dare not think what other possibilities exist, but I imagine them having something to do with the husband asking the wife to please have her headache in another room so he can continue watching the game, and an unwelcome inquiry into the effect the headache will have on the making of dinner.

Okay, all you married couples; feel free to edit my vision of married life as you see fit. Remember, we’re not even engaged yet, so don’t be too harsh!

Hi JW;

My dh takes care of me when I’m sick…he’s very sweet that way. I on the other hand, am the one who could use a bed manner course or something. I have grown to be more nurturing over the years with him, when he gets sick–but I’m more naturally nurturing with my kids.

I don’t think your fantasy is far off. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised that men can be quite nurturing, and not all women are* natural* nurturers.

I’ll say that we don’t snuggle when each other is sick…we used to do that when we were first married, but then we would both end up sick. lol So, while we try to be there for one another…while each other is sick–we make sure we wash our hands shortly after.

 

[Teakafrog]

Well, it depends on the guy you pick! Mine, honestly, is a lot like your dream. When I’m sick, he DOES make me herbal tea and give me a neck rub. Of course, he’s never been into sports much, so that doesn’t apply, but sometimes it is hard to get him off the computer.
The main thing in any relationship is to keep your lines of communication open. A wonderful way for a young married couple to do this is Marriage Encounter. If you’ve already got problems, then you need Retrouvaille. Both teach wonderful communication techniques, and I would highly recommend them.
But for now, not even married, you just need to learn as much as you can about each other BEFORE you get married, which means talking out the hard stuff before it happens–how will you raise your kids (what parenting style do you see yourself using), how to deal with inlaws, religion, finances (a big one!), jobs, where will you live, who will be responsible for what in the household, etc etc. Seriously, you need to really be inside each other’s heads before you commit to marriage. It’s a huge and sacred commitment that requires a lot of thought and prayer. God bless you as you discern your vocation!

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, it depends on the guy you pick! Mine, honestly, is a lot like your dream. When I’m sick, he DOES make me herbal tea and give me a neck rub. Of course, he’s never been into sports much, so that doesn’t apply, but sometimes it is hard to get him off the computer.
The main thing in any relationship is to keep your lines of communication open. A wonderful way for a young married couple to do this is Marriage Encounter. If you’ve already got problems, then you need Retrouvaille. Both teach wonderful communication techniques, and I would highly recommend them.
But for now, not even married, you just need to learn as much as you can about each other BEFORE you get married, which means talking out the hard stuff before it happens–how will you raise your kids (what parenting style do you see yourself using), how to deal with inlaws, religion, finances (a big one!), jobs, where will you live, who will be responsible for what in the household, etc etc. Seriously, you need to really be inside each other’s heads before you commit to marriage. It’s a huge and sacred commitment that requires a lot of thought and prayer. God bless you as you discern your vocation!

Excellent advice.

I have always wanted to do Retrouvaille…can it be a good time away, even if a couple is not having marital problems? My hubby and I have been thinking about it, but we’re not having marital difficulties (anymore)…it sounds so wonderful. I just wasn’t sure if couples who are doing fine in their marriages can benefit?

 

[Just_wondering]

I don’t think your fantasy is far off. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised that men can be quite nurturing, and not all women are* natural* nurturers.

I’ll say that we don’t snuggle when each other is sick…we used to do that when we were first married, but then we would both end up sick. lol So, while we try to be there for one another…while each other is sick–we make sure we wash our hands shortly after.

That’s nice. I’m glad your husband is so thoughtful. I was just wondering if I was setting myself up for disappointment by dreaming such positive things about marriage. You know, like imagining that he’ll be able to read my mind and stuff. He really is a thoughtful man, you know. I wanted to ask him to come over tonight and make me tea, but it really isn’t fair to do so when he lives 20 minutes away and it’s his only evening off this week.

Well, it depends on the guy you pick! Mine, honestly, is a lot like your dream. When I’m sick, he DOES make me herbal tea and give me a neck rub.
The main thing in any relationship is to keep your lines of communication open. A wonderful way for a young married couple to do this is Marriage Encounter. If you’ve already got problems, then you need Retrouvaille. Both teach wonderful communication techniques, and I would highly recommend them.
But for now, not even married, you just need to learn as much as you can about each other BEFORE you get married, which means talking out the hard stuff before it happens–how will you raise your kids (what parenting style do you see yourself using), how to deal with inlaws, religion, finances (a big one!), jobs, where will you live, who will be responsible for what in the household, etc etc. Seriously, you need to really be inside each other’s heads before you commit to marriage. It’s a huge and sacred commitment that requires a lot of thought and prayer. God bless you as you discern your vocation!

Thanks! It’s nice to hear such positive things. We’ve been working on the communication - we discussed a couple of issues this weekend that kept cropping up, and it turns out that he didn’t understand what I was asking for. Once he figured out that the problem wasn’t what he thought it was, agreeing to fix it was no problem at all! We’ll see whether it improves long-term, but we both feel good about our ability to resolve the issue now.

Funny about those communication issues. He thought I was asking for something totally unreasonable. I thought he was refusing a perfectly reasonable request. In the end, it was just that I wasn’t communicating the request in a way that he was able to understand.

Excellent advice.

I have always wanted to do Retrouvaille…can it be a good time away, even if a couple is not having marital problems? My hubby and I have been thinking about it, but we’re not having marital difficulties (anymore)…it sounds so wonderful. I just wasn’t sure if couples who are doing fine in their marriages can benefit?

You know, Whatevergirl, I know exactly what you mean. A friend lent me a book on relationships, and I was thinking to myself that going to a communication workshop would really be great for our relationship, even if we’re not having many problems at this point in time.

 

[kmleo]

LOL, sweetie. I love your fantasy world. It is my fantasy world, too!

It really depends on what sort of fella he is. I have found that the adage “How he treats his mom is how he will treat you” really is accurate. How he treats you while you are dating is a good indication, also, but as you are already aware, that will wear off when you are together, day in and day out.

My DH is lucky – I’m an ox – so I rarely need him to care for me, but when I went into anaphylactic shock at home one afternoon and had to “ride it out” he was great – kept the kiddo away, checked on me, did what little he could to make me more comfortable… Yours will too, especially when (as PP mentioned) you communicate with him about what it is that you need. If you force him to guess, you’ll most likely end up disappointed.

Best wishes for you both!

 

[Teakafrog]

Excellent advice.

I have always wanted to do Retrouvaille…can it be a good time away, even if a couple is not having marital problems? My hubby and I have been thinking about it, but we’re not having marital difficulties (anymore)…it sounds so wonderful. I just wasn’t sure if couples who are doing fine in their marriages can benefit?

I think Marriage Encounter would be more what you need. Retrouvaille really is focused on fixing problems. It was definitely what we needed at the time, but I don’t think it would help nearly as much where we’re at now. I wouldn’t mind going to a ME retreat though!

**You know, like imagining that he’ll be able to read my mind and stuff. **

we discussed a couple of issues this weekend that kept cropping up, and it turns out that he didn’t understand what I was asking for. Once he figured out that the problem wasn’t what he thought it was, agreeing to fix it was no problem at all! We’ll see whether it improves long-term, but we both feel good about our ability to resolve the issue now.

Funny about those communication issues. He thought I was asking for something totally unreasonable. I thought he was refusing a perfectly reasonable request. In the end, it was just that I wasn’t communicating the request in a way that he was able to understand.

That is exactly the problem most couples have–they expect the other to read their minds, and it ain’t gonna happen! NO ONE can read your mind (except God). You have to TELL your spouse exactly what you are thinking. Assuming they know is going to get you in BIG trouble–I know. I did that, and our marriage fell apart. Thankfully Retrouvaille was there for us, but it would have been a lot easier if I would have known then what I know now. So yeah, work on communication NOW, BEFORE you have problems!

 

[Just_wondering]

That is exactly the problem most couples have–they expect the other to read their minds, and it ain’t gonna happen! NO ONE can read your mind (except God). You have to TELL your spouse exactly what you are thinking. Assuming they know is going to get you in BIG trouble–I know. I did that, and our marriage fell apart. Thankfully Retrouvaille was there for us, but it would have been a lot easier if I would have known then what I know now. So yeah, work on communication NOW, BEFORE you have problems!

Thanks, Teaka. I’m really conscious of the need for communication in this relationship especially. Firstly, because there’s no doubt in my mind that I want it to lead to marriage, so irritations that I might have ignored in past relationships I want to fix before they get out of hand. More than that, though, we were raised in very different environments - him, in a large city in the Philippines, and me on a farm in Canada. I expect us to have very different ideas of what family life will be like, so we discuss it often. I tell him what I imagine life will be like when we’re married. He tells me his own vision for our future. Most of the time they’re compatible, although we’ve had to discuss a few of them in more depth - for him, the kids going to a Catholic school is non-negotiable, whereas I have no experience with anything but public school.

I’d really love to go to a formal marriage preparation course where we could write out our visions for the future in great detail and compare them point by point, to make sure that we’re both on the same page. I don’t want to miss anything big.

We’ve talked about money, careers, where to live, how to raise the children, and religion, but there are few areas on which we’ve really committed. For example, with careers, I will probably be a teacher, except I might end up staying home to raise the children, or having my own business, or working from home, but in any case it will be a family-oriented career if there is one. He would like to own his own business, but first he’d like to work for an employer while he gets used to Canadian culture, and it can’t be too physical a job because his current job is damaging his back, but whatever he does he is committed to working hard enough to support the family financially so we don’t have to depend on my salary if I have one. As you can see, we’ve discussed it all but haven’t come to many conclusions. I think as long as we agree that all of these possibilities would be acceptable to either of us, we’re probably okay… right?

 

[Teakafrog]

I’d really love to go to a formal marriage preparation course where we could write out our visions for the future in great detail and compare them point by point, to make sure that we’re both on the same page. I don’t want to miss anything big.
I think as long as we agree that all of these possibilities would be acceptable to either of us, we’re probably okay… right?

Make sure you do a good Engaged Encounter. Check around, some are better than others. And of course you don’t have to have everything set in stone already, but you do need to be on the same page! The fact that you are both practicing Catholics is a HUGE plus! So many people just assume that they’ll work through things as they come…then when they inevitably DO come, the other spouse is iron-set that things will be done THEIR way, and that’s when the problems start–from not talking about it ahead of time! Keep talking, and you should do great.

 

[lizaanne]

In my fantasy of married life, when I get home after work with a headache, he would make me a nice cup of herbal tea and give me a massage. Later on in the evening, we would snuggle up together as we fall asleep. I would feel so safe and warm in his arms that I would fall asleep right away, gently breathing my contagious germs in his direction.

This is us - my DH is very thoughtful and wonderful when I’m sick, almost to a fault. Although I still need to work on getting him to do the neck rub part.

Excellent advice.

I have always wanted to do Retrouvaille…can it be a good time away, even if a couple is not having marital problems? My hubby and I have been thinking about it, but we’re not having marital difficulties (anymore)…it sounds so wonderful. I just wasn’t sure if couples who are doing fine in their marriages can benefit?

Agree with others - you are looking for Marriage Encounter, not Retrouvaille. But beware of the ME session you attend, ask the leader couple how ecumenical/Catholic it is. We attended one once and were astounded at how it was just barely Catholic-lite - the only thing that made it Catholic was that it was at a retreat center and we had Mass. Other than that, you really would never have known. I don’t think they ever mentioned that marriage is a sacrament!

~Liza

 

[jrabs]

I love the advice that someone provided here…it all depends on the man you select.

Mine is even very loving and kind when I have monthly cycle aches and pains.

As for them reading your mind - expect no-one to be able to do that. Instead, practice articulating your needs and thoughts in a kind and loving way.

 

[BamaRider]

Mine is even very loving and kind when I have monthly cycle aches and pains.

 

[redtech]

Hmmm…

My husband doesn’t treat his mom very nice…

I know he cares, but I tend to emmm expound on how badly I feel. He usually asks me which ditch I want him to throw me in when I die…

He does pretty good about keeping the kids off of me and making sure they’re bathed at fed and put to bed. If I’m really good, I can stretch it into two days!

I agree with others, it depends on the man that you marry. I didn’t marry a snuggler. I did give birth to one though. Hopefully he’ll treat his wife very nice.

 

[HappyPerson]

Interesting thing about this thread is that I don’t think any men replied yet, so let me be the first.

Whether your fantasy comes true or not can depend a lot on YOU. When he goes out of his way to do those little kind things for you, do you let him know how much you appreciate them, and him for doing them? Do you constantly let him know how special he is to you? (Don’t assume he knows if you don’t outright tell him.) If you let him know, he’ll be inspired to do more, and your fantasy will come true.

If, on the other hand, you, instead, act like my EXgirlfriends used to, and fail to show appreciation for many of the little things I’d do for them (the big things, too) well, they are my EXgirlfriends. Need I say more?

When you are married, sex is the best way you can show him that you appreciate him.

 

[BamaRider]

When you are married, sex is the best way you can show him that you appreciate him.

“Hey Debbie! Cmere and see what this guy just said!”

 

[Teakafrog]

“Hey Debbie! Cmere and see what this guy just said!”

OK, NOW who’s living in a fantasy world?

 

[HappyPerson]

When you are married, sex is the best way you can show him that you appreciate him.

Holy guacamole! I meant to delete that line. Oops!!!

 

[BamaRider]

Holy guacamole! I meant to delete that line. Oops!!!

Noooooooo leave it up, I dunno if that ain’t the best line ever on CAF.

 

[Guitar]

Whether your fantasy comes true or not can depend a lot on YOU. When he goes out of his way to do those little kind things for you, do you let him know how much you appreciate them, and him for doing them? Do you constantly let him know how special he is to you? (Don’t assume he knows if you don’t outright tell him.) If you let him know, he’ll be inspired to do more, and your fantasy will come true.

Whilst this is, in general, good advice, one does not necessarily follow the other.

If a man (or woman) doesn’t “do” bedside manner (or physical affection or [insert desired behaviour here]) naturally or spontaneously, or has not got the specific message that his/her partner needs it, positive reinforcement (though good for the relationship) will not automatically put these specific ideas in their heads.

In fact, constantly telling a spouse or significant other they are special and appreciated, and waiting for that to produce a specific response you aren’t currently getting is the stuff of classic communication breakdowns. Putting out lots of general “I think you’re great” and expecting that to be translated into “I want you to fuss over me when I’m sick” or “I need you to show me more affection” is a bit of a stretch.

I mean no criticism of folks who aren’t good at bedside manner or who are naturally undemonstrative. I have one at home who isn’t - because doesn’t want it himself. He means no harm or neglect, he just assumes that others feel as he does and want to be left alone when suffering. Unless I specifically said, “I need X, Y and Z from you when I’m sick”, no amount of praise and appreciation in the world would put the idea into his head to behave as JW’s future husband is going to. (I hope. )

 

[whatevergirl]

When you are married, sex is the best way you can show him that you appreciate him.

really? :ehh:

hmmm.

really?

I’m speechless. lol