Reality check on aisle three, please!

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Today I am feeling a little under the weather. I have a headache and the start of a head cold. I am sitting at the computer in my pyjamas eating takeout, wishing my boyfriend was here. He is so sweet and thoughtful - today he send me half a dozen sweet and romantic messages while I was at work, telling me how much he loves me.

In my fantasy of married life, when I get home after work with a headache, he would make me a nice cup of herbal tea and give me a massage. Later on in the evening, we would snuggle up together as we fall asleep. I would feel so safe and warm in his arms that I would fall asleep right away, gently breathing my contagious germs in his direction.

I wonder, though, whether the reality might not play out quite the way I picture it in my mind… I dare not think what other possibilities exist, but I imagine them having something to do with the husband asking the wife to please have her headache in another room so he can continue watching the game, and an unwelcome inquiry into the effect the headache will have on the making of dinner.

Okay, all you married couples; feel free to edit my vision of married life as you see fit. Remember, we’re not even engaged yet, so don’t be too harsh!

You nailed the breathing-in-each-other’s-germs part.

 

[HappyPerson]

Whilst this is, in general, good advice, one does not necessarily follow the other.

If a man (or woman) doesn’t “do” bedside manner (or physical affection or [insert desired behaviour here]) naturally or spontaneously, or has not got the specific message that his/her partner needs it, positive reinforcement (though good for the relationship) will not automatically put these specific ideas in their heads.

In fact, constantly telling a spouse or significant other they are special and appreciated, and waiting for that to produce a specific response you aren’t currently getting is the stuff of classic communication breakdowns. Putting out lots of general “I think you’re great” and expecting that to be translated into “I want you to fuss over me when I’m sick” or “I need you to show me more affection” is a bit of a stretch.

I agree with what you are saying, but my impression is that the OP is looking to maintain current good behavior, rather than change or create new behavior, and the advice was given from that perspective.

 

[Guitar]

Yep, fair enough, Happy. I agree and have seen for myself that if you want desired behaviour to continue, you have to feed and water it. (Like, I didnt get fed and watered, and then folks wondered why I “changed”. )

If, on the other hand, you, instead, act like my EXgirlfriends used to, and fail to show appreciation for many of the little things I’d do for them (the big things, too) well, they are my EXgirlfriends. Need I say more?

This is not strictly on-topic but is still related to the communications issue and kinda looking at it from the other side.

I don’t know you, Happy, so I’m not suggesting for a minute you are guilty of this, but your comment just prompted the memory of a man who was keen on me in the past.

He kept doing lots of things to help me out that were in fact not going to help me out because I didn’t need them and actually couldn’t use them anyway because I was accomplishing this particular task in a totally different way to to how he assumed I was doing it. Recognising his kind intentions, and not wanting him to put himself out further, I explained this to him amidst profuse thanks for his kindness in wanting to lighten my load. I made it clear I recognised the intent and valued it greatly, and that I was reciprocating by making sure he didn’t waste his time. Did he get it? Nope. Got all huffy because he was “unappreciated”.

It’s still a two-way street … good things done for folks that don’t want 'em sometimes get underfoot as much as bad things or neglect. if I insisted on treating my sick H as JW would like hers to treat her, it would not end well.

 

[Just_wondering]

This is not strictly on-topic but is still related to the communications issue and kinda looking at it from the other side.

I don’t know you, Happy, so I’m not suggesting for a minute you are guilty of this, but your comment just prompted the memory of a man who was keen on me in the past.

He kept doing lots of things to help me out that were in fact not going to help me out because I didn’t need them and actually couldn’t use them anyway because I was accomplishing this particular task in a totally different way to to how he assumed I was doing it. Recognising his kind intentions, and not wanting him to put himself out further, I explained this to him amidst profuse thanks for his kindness in wanting to lighten my load. I made it clear I recognised the intent and valued it greatly, and that I was reciprocating by making sure he didn’t waste his time. Did he get it? Nope. Got all huffy because he was “unappreciated”.

It’s still a two-way street … good things done for folks that don’t want 'em sometimes get underfoot as much as bad things or neglect. if I insisted on treating my sick H as JW would like hers to treat her, it would not end well.

That’s not off-topic - it seems to me that it relates very well. The overall message I’m getting is that I have to be specific about what I need from him (when I’m sick, or whenever) and then reward those behaviours with abundant praise (and possibly sex, after marriage ). If I expect him to read my mind, or if I attempt to read his rather than listening to what he says he wants, we’re headed for communication breakdown.

 

[kage_ar]

If you are going to marry someone who can read your mind - run away. Believe me, in the best marriage on earth there will be some things in your mind that are best keep to yourself …

Also remember, sex is something with a purpose, it is not a reward for being a “good boy”.

 

[HappyPerson]

Also remember, sex is something with a purpose, it is not a reward for being a “good boy”.

Very true. Like I said, I meant to delete that part, after thinking it through. I was rather mortified to see it quoted when I didn’t even realize I had posted it. Talk about reading minds…

 

[BamaRider]

Very true. Like I said, I meant to delete that part, after thinking it through. I was rather mortified to see it quoted when I didn’t even realize I had posted it. Talk about reading minds…

Yeah, but that was a awesome line.

 

[Just_wondering]

Also remember, sex is something with a purpose, it is not a reward for being a “good boy”.

That’s very true, but I’m wondering - isn’t it a good way to show appreciation? Not as a reward, but as a show of love and appreciation for the wonderful husband / wife you have?

How can I phrase this right… a husband and wife should engage in loving actions in order to reinforce their emotions. It’s not enough to say, “I love you and appreciate you” - spouses need to feel it in your actions, not just words. Sometimes that’ll be a bouquet of flowers, sometimes it’ll be a back rub, sometimes it’ll be a homemade meal, and sometimes it’ll be love-making. I don’t think Happy Person meant that I should say, “As a reward for your faithful service while I was sick, we shall now make love!”

The image I had in my mind was me saying something like, “I’m so glad I have such a thoughtful husband. It was so nice of you to bring me tea and take care of me when I was sick on Monday, especially since you were so tired after getting off work. I just want you to know how much I appreciate that.” I’d probably be rubbing his shoulders as I said that. If that leads to making love, so much the better. The only way it would seem like a reward is if I only ever initiated love-making after he did something particularly nice for me.

 

[Guitar]

I don’t think Happy Person meant that I should say, “As a reward for your faithful service while I was sick, we shall now make love!”

Probably not but Guy’s sure enjoying the opportunity to make 'im squirm.

(Sorry, Happy, )

 

[kmleo]

I’m kind of jumping back in with a random thought, and one that isn’t at all ecumenical, so bear with me please.

There is a book called The Five Love Languages that DH’s evangelical aunt gave us. It showed us why he and I struggle to make our needs understood and met by one another. His love language is “Touch,” meaning that when I touch him, I communicate my love for him, better than if I were to compliment him or make him a nice dinner. Conversely, I am in no way a “Touch” speaker, as I am much too busy! I’d rather be told I’m loved or shown through help with chores. My point? That while the book is not Catholic in any sense, it did help me to realize that men and women truly do speak separate languages. It showed me why, like the exboyfriend of the PP, all of my efforts to show him I loved him weren’t met with gratitude, because it was like Greek to him and I felt unappreciated. The converse was true. When we started to understand better what language to “speak” to one another, our communication improved greatly.

 

[puzzleannie]

took me a while to stop laughing before I could answer

as newlyweds, your scenario may play out well

once there are a few kids, you will be limping around trying to deal, but when he is sick–look out.
bring me Puffs
bring me juice
rub my feet
change the channel for me

if you married one that is always afraid of deadly contagion, count on being banished when you are even suspected of harboring germs

 

[puzzleannie]

Hmmm…

My husband doesn’t treat his mom very nice…

I
I .

red flag to anyone who is still dating

 

[maryj]

Reality…I went into my kitchen the othr morning while my husband was still upstairs dressing for work. I was pouring myself a cup of coffe and turned to go to the counter and stepped on a huge piece of glass. I was bleeding pretty bad and gimped myself into the bath off of our kitchen. I yelled for him to come help me since I couldn’t see where I had cut myself, too much blood. I waited patiently for him to come downstairs, when he entered the kitchen he exclaimed" what the heck happened in here", there was a trail of blood puddles leading to the other side of the kitchen. He gently cleaned my foot, checked it out and found where the cut was, applied pressure to get it to stop, applied a bandaid and then gently kissed the foot and said “I hope that’s better”. Oh did I say my husband will faint dead away when he sees blood!!! I laughed when I got to work and looked at the band aid he had applied, It was Mrs. Incredble from the incredibles. Yeah, there are men like your dreams out there.

 

[maryj]

red flag to anyone who is still dating

Big red flag.