Reality vs. Pretending

[Larry1700]

Have you ever thought the problem might be that you are overthinking it? Maybe you are feeling forced because you are forcing yourself. I think once you just relax and stop pursuing this elusive “feeling”, it might just actually be there.

Good idea. Thank you. You know, it’s kind of funny. The most relaxed I ever felt was while holding her. Now, I want that feeling back, and I’m too tense (emotionally blocked, or whatever) to put myself in that position again. Ahhh, human emotions! Strange, strange, strange!!!

 

[Larry1700]

Personally, I don’t find you selfish or egoistic from what you write, although self-centred might be the case - not in an egoistic way or putting yourself above others, but merely because the situation makes you think a lot about how you feel about things, how you should feel, what you think, how you treat people, how you are treated, a big lot of “you”.

Thanks, chevalier, that makes me feel a little better.

all in all, it’s probably the best to unfocus and try to think less of it all, analyse less

I have been told several times that I over-analyze things.

Has someone been praying for her or for you both?

I don’t know, but probably not.

When was the last time you’ve been out?

A couple of weeks ago.

Sometimes men will just want to be kept company, but will have nothing interesting to offer for that time

This is probably true in my situation. For me, all I want is her. Just her being there is enough for me. Maybe she needs more.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

If I remember correctly from my neurology class, it’s actually a compensation mechanism in the brain, as opposed to tired nerves. An interesting phenomenon, but I refuse to reduce human emotions to simply biological reactions. It seems to me to make us no more than animals. However, I think I see your point, in that with our God-given free will, we have the ability to rise above our emotions.

Well, for me, the feelings lasted for 5 years of courtship and 23 years of marriage. Maybe that’s unusual, but wife’s quite a wonderful girl.

All true, when being loving towards family, friends and strangers. I understand that a person can do a loving thing (taking care of an invalid family member, for instance) when what they’re actually feeling is emotionally tired and ready to give up. I just believe that marriage is something special. I am not comfortable with my wife saying she’s happy to spend time with me, when she’s not really feeling that way. I guess the alternative (not spending time with me at all) is worse, but surely you can see how it is less special if she’s forcing herself to do so.

This is crux of my question. “Skill” conjures up images of self-help literature. I want to deal with it the way God wants a marriage to work; I’m just uncertain as to what that means.

That helps a little in differentiating between Jesus’ teachings and self-help books, along with the emotions vs. free-will idea, but I’m still wondering about how the Holy Spirit’s conversion of heart enters into the picture.

Anyway, the last couple of days saw good improvement, so hopefully there’s more to come.

I wasn’t trying to reduce human emotions by saying they were biological; we are physical and spiritual beings, a duality. Our bodies, and what they do, are VERY important. The simple fact that humans can experience a much larger range of emotions that animals can (I believe) sets us apart. I will ask my professor about the nerve thing… it’s interesting. ^^

I think the difference between ‘self-help’ books and what I was getting at is that we learned from Jesus Himself how to act lovingly. “Love thy neighbor as they self” and all that. His actions all throughout His life was an example of how to act lovingly.

This is all I have to offer by way of advice; there are plenty of more experienced people on this forum who are helping you… it seems to me that you and your wife are on the road to being close again, though. The very fact that you are pursuing this issue so much says to me that you love her, and love her a lot!
Good luck, God bless, and I’ll be praying for the two of you.

 

[chevalier]

Thanks, chevalier, that makes me feel a little better.

I really was going to word it in a friendlier and more diligent way but the hour was very late… But it looks like I can take you at the letter. Sorry if it didn’t come out too well.

I have been told several times that I over-analyze things.

Yeah, I have the same. It’s easy to spot, not easy to heal.

A couple of weeks ago.

Maybe ask her out somewhere she likes going. Doesn’t have to be where you like going, you will be happy seeing her happy. Something romantic and appreciative maybe.

This is probably true in my situation. For me, all I want is her. Just her being there is enough for me. Maybe she needs more.

That’s possible. Remember that roles can change, the table can turn. It’s awful when it does. Maybe she needs some social stimulation or maybe she needs to be active all the time. If she genuinely had a genuine phobia about spending time with you, that would be therapy material in my humble (and unprofessional) opinion, but hopefully it’s not about you. The fact she’s putting effort in trying to overcome it means she cares and respects you. So big chances are it’s not about you.

 

[Larry1700]

This is all I have to offer by way of advice; there are plenty of more experienced people on this forum who are helping you… it seems to me that you and your wife are on the road to being close again, though. The very fact that you are pursuing this issue so much says to me that you love her, and love her a lot!
Good luck, God bless, and I’ll be praying for the two of you.

Thank you for your advice, your concern, and your prayers. They are very much appreciated.